Question:
DID ANYONE ELSE OUT THERE HAVE FAMILIES WHO WERE DEAD SET AGAINST THE OPERATION?
MY MOTHER FEELS THAT I'M SELFISH BECAUSE I HAVE 2 SMALL CHILDREN AND SHE FEELS LIKE I'M VEIN IN MY CHOICE IT REALLY HURTS ME . ONE OIF MY MAIN REASONS FOR THIS IS FOR MY CHILDREN SO I CAN ENJOY THEM I'M SCHEDULED FOR SURGERY 3/20/2006 AND SHE KEEPS CALLING ME EVERY DAY TELLING ME ABOUT THE RISKS AND WHO ELSE HAD COMPLICATIONS AND OR DIED FORM THIS I'M HAVEING THE OPEN BYPASS. — TRISCHV (posted on February 28, 2006)
February 28, 2006
ok let me fill you in on some thing , my mom was scared to death of me
having the surgery almost two yrs ago and i made it through just fine and i
have a 10 yr old lil girl . and i have heard all the horror stories and
seen the bad side of it . i had the lap by-pass . all you can do is do it
for ur self hun and have the docotors keep her informed during surgery .
— lizzie72
February 28, 2006
My mother was so against this. I just stopped talking to her about it. I
finally realized that all of her friends had gotten on the right track and
I was the only grazing buddy she had left. Right before my surgery date I
tried one more time. She talked as if she was ok with it. When I came
home from the hospital she called and all she talked about was the places
that we could go ALL you can eat. I just listen. When I did go to take
her for errands she kept insisting that we go eat. I knew any thing that
early on that I ate would come back up. I went and I did. That made her
at last leave me alone about this. She saw me when I had dropped 25lbs.
Not since I have dropped 50. I am trying to put some photos up on my
profile. One photo I was even larger than that at one time. I can see.
You have to do what is best for you. You are the mother now and your
babies need YOU!
— pettykash
February 28, 2006
Hi Vanessa!
This is a choice you need to make for YOU! My mom didn't want me to do it
either. I had a great surgeon and a wonderful outcome. I have had very
little issues. Everyone is different. Have you ever had any negative
surgery experiences? talk about it with your spouse, invite your mom to be
a seminar to learn more with you. Then you and your spouse should do what
you feel is best for you and your family
— TeriC
February 28, 2006
I had the same problem Vanessa, except it was my dad and brother.. My mom
died two years ago and my family was so against me having this surgery it
was really hard for me.. I am a single mom with two boys who are my whole
life and that is why I did it also.. I researched all of the good and bad
on this surgery for over two years.. I watched on tv the good and the bad
also.. I live in Savannah I went to Atlanta 4 hours away to have the
surgery because the Dr there is one of the best around.. I went Vanessa by
myself and went through the surgery.. but now I am 4 months out, I have
lost right at 70lbs and they are both so proud of me and that I did it.. It
was definately the right move for me so I will be around for my boys!!!
Hope this helps!!!! MaryAnn
— MaryAnn M.
February 28, 2006
Hi Vanessa - when I first started my research I talked to my family to feel
them out for their opinion and they were completley against it. So when I
finally decided to go through with it, I didn't tell any member of my
family except my hubby of course... Anyway, I also live in AZ... Maricopa
actually so feel free to emali me directly and ask me any questions
[email protected].
Kim
— kimmy
February 28, 2006
Make the choice for you and no one else. My mom is against the surgery as
well. She says that she is just worried but I am not sure that there is
not some underlying issue there. Anyway, find your strong support system
and keep them close to you. My surgery is scheduled for 4/15/06. Good
luck!
— classite
February 28, 2006
I think you have to remember one item. You are doing this for yourself.
Not your family, kids, mother, father etc. If you are doing this for any
other reason you will fail. The other thing you need to think about is
will you live if you don't have this surgery? All surgeries have the
possiblities of problems. You need to be confident in your surgeon. Talk
to him, or her and ask them.
Good luck
— Steve Cohen
February 28, 2006
Have you told her how selfish it is for her to ask you not to have it. All
you are doing by being obease is killing yourself and eventually you will
die but with the surgery you have a chance at a wonderful life with your
kids and the bottom line is this is your decision for yourself and she has
no right to guilt you out of that decision. Good luck girls and hold on
tight to what you want It was the best decision I have ever made even
though I was terrified up to and right after surgery. Good luck to you.
— ree
February 28, 2006
Have you told her how selfish it is for her to ask you not to have it. All
you are doing by being obease is killing yourself and eventually you will
die but with the surgery you have a chance at a wonderful life with your
kids and the bottom line is this is your decision for yourself and she has
no right to guilt you out of that decision. Good luck girls and hold on
tight to what you want It was the best decision I have ever made even
though I was terrified up to and right after surgery. Good luck to you.
— ree
February 28, 2006
Vanessa,
Take the time to educate your mother. Try not to get angry with her. She is
scared and uninformed about WLS. Try to understand that you are her child
and we worry about our children no matter what age they are or what choices
they make. Just keep calm and give her all the information you can
regarding WLS. She will accept your choice eventually. She has no other
option. Good luck with your up and coming surgery date. I will keep you in
my thoughts. Judy M.
— J.Bug
February 28, 2006
you know all you can do is get more and more info for yout own
self-knowledge - if its not your mother - I will be someone else telling
you the same thing - my mom had her surgery 1 month prior to me and I heard
so much negitive things from the girls at work - but of course they all
weight close to or over 300 pounds... now a year and 4 months later - I
have lost 113 pounds - had a tummy tuck and my breasts done and all of a
sudden - no one has even one positive thing to say.... just do yout
homework, have cinfidence with your doctor and believe God for the
healthiest outcome... dont worry - you'll be fine and when your mom sees
how extra beautiful and you are - she be glad you did -- it is your
dicision - follow your heart....
— Sonya Galindo
February 28, 2006
Venessa,
I am 5 yrs Post-Op. I also had the Open bypass. My mother was soooooooo
against me having it at first to. She actually forbid me from doing it.
LOL... I did it anyway. I was verrrrrrrryyy big girl. Now five years
later....... My mother has had the by pass and 3 of her sisters. Funny how
things turn out. You do what you need to do for you. And getting that
weight off will bennifit those children more than hinder. As far as the bad
rumors that go with the open bypass. This is just my opinion so take it
nothing more than that..... but everyone that I know that has had the open
has had little problems and are still maintaining there weight loss...
verses alot of people I know that have had the LAP that are having weight
gain... I know they are the same surgery just one is big cut and one is
done by scope.. but it just makes one wonder if there is a difference of
some kind? Hope this helps...
— Jo_Michalko
February 28, 2006
Hi Vanessa,
Just wanted to send you this e-mail to let you know that your mother's
feelings are fear of the unknown for a loved one. She does not realize that
there are more success stories out there that nobody ever hears about.
Opponents to WLS use 1 or 2 cases to try to support their claim that the
surgery is dangerous. All surgical procedures are dangerous but most people
will accept the risks to improve their health and well being. This is what
you are doing by having WLS. It will not only improve your health but it
will allow you to be around longer for your kids and your mother. Try not
to talk too much about the surgery to her and find a support group in your
area to gain encouragement. Do not feed off the negative things you may
hear because this will sow more seeds of doubt in your mind. You are doing
the best thing that you can for yourself. Do not let others rob you of this
joy no matter what they think or feel. Take care and see you on the losing
side.
Prycey Lady
RNY 2/2/05
— one twenty five sixty to go
February 28, 2006
Your question is identical to what happened to me. I had my surgery
February 2004 and she many things to me in regards to this surgery and how
selfish and vein I was. I also have 2 small children. You have to do the
thing that is best for you. My relationship has suffered greatly because
of this. After all this time I have just spoken with my mother 2 months
ago after all this time. The relationship is still very strained. I would
do it all over again. It has been the best thing I have ever done for
myself and if they say it is selfish, it might be in their eyes but you can
not change the way some people think and feel about this surgery. Hang in
there. If you need anything please forward a message.
Leigh
— LeighChilders
February 28, 2006
Well, by the looks of things, everyone has pretty much said what I was
going to! One item you can mention is that RNY is the MOST successful wls
in regards to weight loss and maintenance of that weightloss and this was
reported in a study done by NIH in 1993. It is an approved wls with many
insurance companies because it is statistically the most successful. It is
major surgery and carries risks, but so does remaining sedentary and obese.
Good luck. Had my lap Rny on Dec 1, 2005. Am doing just fine and I am 51
years old with a 9 and 12 year old. They are excited and want to help me
pick out my first bicycle in 35 years! My goal is to ride a bike with my
kids and my ultimate goal is to ride horses, again.
— LauraA
February 28, 2006
I am anticipating the same response from my parents. The most difficult
issue with telling my parents is that my mother is a little over a year out
from quadruple bypass heart surgery and has fibromyalgia which is
exacerbated by stress. Yet, if I don't tell them they would be very upset.
So I bought a book for my mother to read called "The Skinny about
Weight Loss Surgery" and am bringing them to my pre-op appointment
with my surgeon. I suppose you could relate your quandary to getting a
divorce---do you stay together in a bad marriage for the children or get
divorced. Kind of the same sort of thing. Do you stay unhealthy for the
sake of the children? Seems as though they don't see your condition as
being unhealthy enough. So convincing them of that is what your priority
could be.
— Mary W.
February 28, 2006
I have to agree with the other posters...educate your mother, and if she
continues to be unsupportive then just do what you feel in your heart you
must do FOR YOURSELF. I had my open bypass surgery 3 1/2 years ago, less
than one week before my daughter's 2nd birthday. I had the same fears, but
I also had the resolve that if I was going to be the best mother I could be
and be around to enjoy my children (and them enjoy me) then I must take the
necessary actions to make it happen. At first, my parents weren't that
supportive, but it had to do more with fear than with the fact that they
didn't want me to change. Being on the otherside now, they see how much
more I can offer my daughter physically, and I was just recently blessed
with another daughter...a grandchild they never would have had if I hadn't
have had the surgery. So what if your mother (or anyone else for that
matter) thinks your selfish for doing the surgery. If being selfish means
that you want to have an opportunity to be healthier, happier, and have
more time (both quality and quantity) to spend with your children as a
result of your decision to have the surgery...then I say embrace your
'selfishness'. I constantly say that my surgery was the best decision I
have ever made for myself in my entire life. Yes, I'm thrilled to have
married my husband, had my children, etc...but this I did for me, and me
alone...so that I could further enjoy the opportunity to celebrate all the
other wonderful things my life has given me. BEST WISHES! Keep positive,
and please update us on how you are doing.
— angelav
March 1, 2006
Vannessa,
My mom was a nurse and initially when I spoke about having the surgery she
was dead set against it. She had only seen the bad of the surgery and not
the good and she feared that I wouldn't make the commitment that was needed
to be successful. Over the 6 months I truly proved to her that I was
making changes and had the commitment to make this surgery successful for
me. By the day of surgery she was the one who was by my side and took me
to the hospital and picked me up.
We are their daughters and they're fear for what we are doing to ourselves
is truly genuine. If you think that educating her, would help her accept
your decision, take her to a support group meeting, where she can meet
successful patients.
Ask her to support your decision even if she doesn't agree with it because
you NEED her. This surgery isn't done alone, the surgery itself is a
breeze, it's the hardwork to change years of bad habits that is the actual
work.
Tell her it's not vanity that compels you to have the surgery it's
selfishness you want to see your children grow up and you want to be around
for the big moments in their lives but knowing that you've tried and been
unsuccessful at maintaining the weight loss that you need help, a tool to
help you over the humps to maintain and remain successful.
Let her know that you love her and respect her opinions but that you have
researched and weighed the pros and cons and this is the best decision for
you. Tell her that you want her to be proud of you and that you don't want
your relationship to suffer from this decision because she is important in
your life, but you firmly know that you want this surgery and that adding
to the stress of that decision she is hurting your relationship with her.
Unfortunately, we let so much outside us influence our eating and dictate
the way we cope that we forget to work on the areas that started to create
the eating problems to begin with. Good luck, I am not one who wanted to
burn bridges during the process so I forewarned everyone to the changes
that I would be making prior to the surgery.
— dlryanoates
March 1, 2006
First, you need to make it very clear to your mother that under no
circumstances are you going to change your mind. This is the most selfish
thing we do for ourselves in our lives and we deserve it as an individual.
All other things, your a mom and/or a wife, or a colleage, or whatever,
this is all for you. That is a good thing!!!! Your future happiness is at
stake. Do not let anyone, including good ole mom, belittle or make you
think bad about your decision. If you tell her point blank that this is
what you are going to do, and she can either support you, or you will steer
clear of her for a few months, then possibly she will want to be more
supportive. but be prepared that she decides not to be...... and just take
a vacation from mom for a month or two. Then when it all comes out
great!!! She can be glad for you. She is probably scared to death for you
and has not done the proper research. Huggggggggggggsssssss and good Luck.
Kim
— Kimberly Felan
March 2, 2006
Vanessa
Exactly one year ago I was where you are with your Mother.
It's an honest fear that she may be having. However does she realize she
could lose you to a stroke or heart attack.
Do what you need to do for yourself so that you can live a normal healthy
life.
Just tell her that you respect her opinion but you have decided to have you
surgery and just respect your decision.
Oh and tell her that you love her. I wish my Mother was here to disapprove
of something but she passed away 3 weeks ago.
— PatsyB
March 2, 2006
You have to do what is best for you. My daughter was so mad it me for
having it. Mind you she is a size five and eats anything she wants and
still is a size five. I did it for me, so I would be here for my kids,
grandkids. To be here with my husband. I was 279 lbs. I had mine done
10/25/05 and I would do agin in a heart beat. I have lost 63lbs and I feel
great. But I did it for me. you have to do what is best for you.
God bless.
— bntfive
March 2, 2006
I had open RNY almost 2 yrs ago and my Mom was very scared too, but I did
this to be healthy and be able to be involved with my family and two young
children. She is just scared most likely, don't get angry, she's a mom,
thats what they do, right? My boys we're 2 and 3 yrs old when I had my
surgery and its the best thing I could have done for myself and health.
Good luck with your upcoming surgery.
— SJWendy
March 2, 2006
Vanissa that can be so discouraging to get nagged by someone you probably
love very much. I know she means well, but you have hopefully done all of
your research and are going into this with your eyes wide open. I read
books, was on the OH website all of the time, prayed a lot, sought my
husbands approval. I kept quiet for a long time about my research, but
when I was approved I knew I had to tell my Mom. I was scared because I
felt like she would feel the same way as your Mom. I have older children,
but I just didn't know. I decided to not ask for her approval, but tell
her that I needed her to support me on this decision that we made for my
health. You don't need her approval, but you would so much love to have
her support. She can disagree, and yes there are risks, but honestly,
there are more risks to being obese than to have this surgery, if you are
ready for it. Are you ready for the changes, are you ready to fight the
head hunger and lust for food, surgery does not fix that. Are you ready
for the head games of fighting yourself to not exercise or drink water? If
you have weighed all the pros and cons, and are going in with the support
of your family (immediate), then your Mom needs to come on your side. If
she will not come on your side, then you need to ask her to stop talking
about it. You both have to agree to disagree of this issue. You are 26
and it is your families decision to make. I would never go against my
husband on a decision like this, but if we are solid together, then other
family needs to stand behind us, or keep it to themselves. I am 2 years
post op, and would do it again in a heartbeat. I was scared and even read
the memorial section on this site before I went into surgery to respect
those who died from the surgery and its complications. I felt I owed them
that. I had a great surgeon, and things went well. Be sure your homework
is done and your eyes are wide open. Read books, and maybe even buy one
for your mom. Most fears from this surgery are due to ignorance. Many
complications happen to those who have very bad problems to begin with,
even though they also can happen to people healther than myself (good
health). I hope it works out for you. Love your Mom, but as an adult,
take responsibility for the decisions you make, and back up your decisions
with research and facts and truth. You can only come up with good answers
that way. Best to you V.
Patty Parkin
— Patricia P
March 3, 2006
From another angle, I WAS the mother dead set against my daughter having
the surgery. I was totally uneducated on the subject, but felt it was way
too radical. I decided since she was determined to do this no matter what
I said...to investigate exactly what she'd be going through. This was 6
1/2 years ago. The investigation, mainly on this site, opened my eyes to
the realization that this might be for me! I not only gave my daughter my
blessings....although I felt she was going into it totally ignorant, and I
still don't know if she understands what was done to her, nor does she seem
to care. I'm not like that...and did a thorough reseach of the subject, at
first looking for all the bad things that could happen to her in the hopes
that I could convince her to reconsider. Instead, I was pleasantly
surprised that this could be my answer. She is 6 months ahead of me, as I
had my procedure done after she did. I stopped opposing her after I was
educated on the subject...and it has been a life changing thing for me. I
would encourage your mother to not listen to the wives tales, and come to a
site such as this and get her info from the horses mouth, so to speak.
Education is the answer and was for my situation. If she is not open to
learning, then do what is necessary for you to do. You are definitely NOT
being selfish, in fact, quite the contrary. Best wishes for a happy
outcome. Regards~
— Statuesque
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