Question:
Post-Op Relationship Problems
I am post-op 5 months, and my husband is asking for a seperation/divorce. He has gained weight and I have lost 82 lbs. He seems ok with my weight loss, but has suddenly started to pick a fight and he has NEVER mentioned seperation or divorce. Is this a fall out of WLS? Is he not handling it? Any suggestions? — Dana M. (posted on February 22, 2011)
February 21, 2011
I would highly suggest a marriage counselor or a psychotherapist for
couples. If he doesn't want to go to either of those, then go to a
psychotherapist by yourself. Yes, couples do go through changes when one
loses weight and the other panics. Don't sabbatoge your own weight loss to
make anyone else happy though - new body; new life. Good luck to you.
— Betty Todd
February 22, 2011
Thank you so much for your advice. I will call today and make an
appointment. I appreciate the reminder "New Body, New Life"
Dana
— Dana M.
February 22, 2011
Hi,
I am 8 mo post op and lost 130 lbs. and I am going threw some relantionship
problems too. Communication lots and lots of it. I also suggested a
shrink to. Reassurance seems to be working. good luck
— slvbullet
February 22, 2011
I am pre-op still but happen to have been dealing with difficul marital
issues. We are working with a therapist that is trained in Imago therapy.
It is hugely helpful in creating healthier communications. Research Imago
online and see if it may be a good fit for you and your husband.
— evelynmantilla
February 22, 2011
Dana, thank you for posting this question. I about 3 1/2 years post op and
we are starting to have some martial issues. I have contacted a therapist
to see if they can assist. At this time, he does not want to attend, but I
am taking the advice and going to go alone. Thank you again!
— DeeRhodes
February 22, 2011
This surgery changes how we react to things on levels we don't always see.
it can make you very moody. It is a big adjustment for both you and the
people around you. Counseling can be a big help. it is important to know
that you are doing something good for yourself. It is much harder when
those around you feel challenged or unhappy with the change.
— trible
February 23, 2011
i think the wls affects every relationship in one way or another. My
husband watched his wife..and i quote him not myself..."get young n
hot " while he gained weight and felt old and large. The best thing
you can do is talk to him about what u r feeling and what HE is feeling.
Yes a counselor will help also. But communication is key is any
relationship. My marriage of 28 years has always been a strong one. I was
96 lbs when we met and fell in love...ballooned to 237 lbs and now am at a
comfortable 118. Some times they dont' work..often times its cuz we as the
wl person feel we settled and now we feel sexy and like we wanna have fun
and the spouse is trudging on as if nothing is different. i will pray for
your marriage. It sounds like you love your man and i hope it all works out
for you! hugs n God Bless, Kim
— gpcmist
February 23, 2011
I agree with gpcmist.... i too recently had wls and lost 85 pounds and
still working on the rest. I am in a relationship of 7 years now, and
something has changed. He blames my change on my wls, and perhaps to a
certain point its true. i am so much more outgoing now, i feel good, i
like the way i look in my clothes and now love trying new things. I've
changed, i'm no longer the couch potatoe i was, unfortunately he is and
although I have talked to him and tried to communicate with him and include
him in working out with me or trying to have both of us eat healthy, hew
just not into it--we are not on the same page. Its hard, i can so
understand your situation. Truth be told sometimes we do settle, its a
change and a new life. Good Luck to You.......
— Chris O.
February 23, 2011
I am 4 months out from surgery and had lost a total of 70 pounds. I have
been separated from my partner for about 3 months. And I have to say it
has never been better! I love him dearly but I don't miss all the arguing
and guilt trips he would put on me. Sometimes it's just better to separate
and go your own ways. I have been with this man for a total of 15 years
and we are still friends...who knows further down the road we will be back
together again. Good luck to you and your decision.
— Its_Bea_baby
February 23, 2011
I had my surgery in 2000 and my husband and I entered counseling the summer
of 2001. We had a very hard time of things. I lost 240 pounds and went
through many physical and psychological changes and he had a hard time with
it. To this day he hates that I had surgery. I cannot get through to him
that he would be a widower if I didn't. We chose not to talk about the
surgery and most of the time it works. I wish you luck and agree that if
he won't agree to go with you that you should still go. A professional
will help you handle all of the feelings your transformation both in your
marriage and your body brings to the surface. Feel free to email me if you
need to. I am here for anyone and willing to share.
— rinnchris
February 24, 2011
After my and my wifes surgery my surgeon told us when only 1 MO in a
realtionship get WLS the divorce is nearly 100%/
Sadly me and jen survived WLS but long term issues have come up were
getting divorced....
— bob-haller
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