Question:
How do you deal with close friends, after WLS

I'am 7 months post-op.I have loss about 112 pounds. I always say thank you to people who tell me how great I look. Both of my friends are also overweight, but I have always been the largest one.We don't talk like we use to do,I will call them and they will not return calls. I miss our girl talk. I do go walking a lot and have a gym membership, but I don't talk about weight unless they bring it up.    — USQUEENIE53 (posted on March 11, 2009)

March 11, 2009
I have had some issues with this as well. People have told me they want "the old Tina back" or "you've changed since you had the surgery." At first, I thought they were crazy. I hadn't changed. Then I realized that I had gone through more changes than I had thought. I was starting to put myself first where before I would be happy playing second violin. I said no if I didn't want to do something or eat something--I was pretty enthusiastic about saying yes to everything before! When I started to realize all the changes I was going through, I really vocalized my feelings and that has not made me so popular with some. Stay true to yourself, feel proud of what you are accomplishing and concentrate on your own self-improvements. We have all been part of sabotouge before--friends can be jealous of you making the change without them or they can be proud of what you are doing to take control. Don't let others interfere with your program. You don't have to talk about your weight--that might have been what you all talked (or moaned about) before! Good luck and stay strong!
   — kristina838

March 11, 2009
I thought I was the only one dealing with something like this. I have a friend of 35 years and she has gotten so withdrawn from me. She is a little over weight but nothing like I was. I have lost 28 lbs since surgery 3 weeks ago and not once as she said anything about how I look. It kind of hurts. MSLTS297
   — mslts297

March 11, 2009
From what I have read, this is common after weight loss. Read your letter to them, see what they say. Good luck, God Bless, Jan
   — jan M.

March 11, 2009
I, too, have lost one of my best friends since wls. I'm sorry to lose her but not sorry to lose the weight. I know it's a jealousy thing as she remains fairly overweight and it is a big issue. This is not an issue I can control so I have let it go. I hope that one day we can mend fences. In the meantime, I'm going to get to goal with or without her! Hang in there and find new friends that support your new, healthier lifestyle.
   — GlitterGal

March 11, 2009
Isn't it amazing what the little green monsters bring out in your otherwise good friends. Especially if they are themselves overweight- the sad part is, they are watching you like a hawk, hoping to see you start to put the weight back on in a few years. They were not true friends, just old eating partners. Hang in, keep doing well Cindi M.D. retired -230#
   — DollyDoodles

March 11, 2009
I find that people at work hae a hard time believing I can look this thin. When they started saying this it was fun. Now it has been months and it is disturbing. I want them to just treat me normal and not mention it all the time. Now they say things like, your just getting too thin. I am 162. None of them have pulled away but I feel watched all the time.
   — trible

March 11, 2009
I have been going through the same thing. I ave lost 82 pounds in 2 months. My friends are kinda being mean to me because I am actually taking care of myself. I say forget them. If they cant be positive to me on my journey, than I dont need them, and neither do you. Hang in there. Your doing great.
   — jackie L.

March 11, 2009
Fortunately, I have not had to deal with this issue myself, but it sounds like you are dealing with a bit of jealousy and envy on the part of your friends. You have done something that they are too scared to do, and they do not want to see you succeed. These are not good friends. They are like drug addicts. Good friends would be GLAD for you, and be there for support. I hate to say this, but you need to find NEW friends that can SUPPORT you and your new lifestyle. Don't just DITCH these people, because you may be able to influence them in the future, but do NOT rely on them to support you. Expect them to be upset with you for quite some time. DOn't PREACH to them, but let your LIFE be a testimony to healthy living, and perhaps SOMEDAY they will come to you for answers.
   — hubarlow

March 11, 2009
I experiecenced this myself as well. Even some MO family and in-laws can be quite this way as well...It's a little depressing at first and then you realize that they were not true friends or they are just envious to the point they cannot handle you happiness. I call those people toxic and got rid of them all! Even family that stopped coming around or calling...Or give me candy and cookies for gifts! That pretty much says it all! Life doesn't wait...and I'm not waiting for others to come around and just be happy for me. I made new friends and kept the ones that truly loved me through the THICK and thin...It's not easy though and it hurts until it goes away...but it does go away! :)
   — .Anita R.

March 11, 2009
I guess the green-eyed monster is raising it's head. Maybe it's the fact you have the guts to do something about your weight and they don't. I am having jealousy problems with my wife because she won't work-out like I do. You never know where it is going to come from.
   — billbias

March 11, 2009
I had two reactions from my friends. Luckily most of them were supportive. One friend who is even overweight is very supportive. She even gave me cloths to wear. She has recently gained weight and couldn't fit into them. Another friend does not come near me and I even caught her staring at me at a dinner we had. I feel bad but I know she will come around.
   — Muggs

March 12, 2009
This is exactly why I never broadcast my RNY to any/everyone. Only my very closest, true friends know. If people ask how I lost, I just say "nothing too original, eating less, exercising more" and then stop. Discussing RNY just takes you down the crazy rabbit hole. Weight has always been the biggest and safest "prejudice"-- look at the media, lying in wait, to make comments about celebrities. It's too bad one can't expect others to rejoice in your better health and improved looks. I'm much happier if someone says nothing than to probe and poke with their questions.
   — Cathy 1.

March 12, 2009
It's definitely rough. Most of my friends are thrilled about it. A few ask me questions more than anything. However, I'm having probs with one of my best friends. Not so much worried about losing her, because she's declared that she's not going anywhere and she's stubborn enough to mean it. She's overweight but was never anywhere near as big as me. She was opposed to my surgery, both out of fear for my life and because she felt I would get skinny and "leave her behind." She's lost a considerable amount of weight through diet and exercise but says I make her feel like she's wasting her time. So we agreed to not talk about it, but her curiousity gets the best of her. She'll visit and peek over my shoulder when I'm on the scale or else she'll flat out ask what I weigh. Now that I'm lighter than her, she makes little comments and mopes about it. I hate it because it's almost like she's trying to make me feel guilty, but I know I shouldn't. I love her dearly but I did it for me, for my health and because I don't want to die young. When things get rough or she starts bringing in the negativity I just remind her of how well she's doing, or that she had the option to have surgery, or simply put it out of my mind and focus on all the positive things happening in my life.
   — snickersblk

March 12, 2009
Sherril, I imagine that it hurts. I'm 3.5 weeks post Lap/RNY & I too have begun seeing some changes. You know what? You need to live your life. You have chosen to be healthy. It sounds to me that your friends are envious of you and if they are, then they were not your friends to start off with. A true friend would support you and encourage you. I believe their own insecurity is what's keeping them away. I know it hurts sweetie, but continue doing what you're doing and maybe someday, if they too choose to be healthy, they'll come around.
   — Ruth M.

March 12, 2009
I have actually lost my best friend because of having the surgery....She says that I took the easy way out....and that she thinks i had the surgery just for my now husband !!!! She would roll her eyes when i would get excited about going down another size or loosing 5lbs...So i stopped talking about it...I am very sad about loosing her as a friend...But I am also very happy to be a normal size and much healthier person....We still talk but I do not look at her as my Best friend ....
   — british88

March 12, 2009
Great job on your weight loss. I have not had my surgery yet, but have let all those close to me know I will be having it. I have noticed it is not so much they weight loss they fear, but it is the old things we did together. Mostly eating out..I get comments like you won't be any fun to eat out with or to go to a movie with etc, as so much of our time together is eating and socializing. I just tell them, thats true, but I will have more enery to do so much more with you. Keep up the good work. Carolyn James
   — Cjames3259

March 13, 2009
I made it very clear to all my friends before I had WLS that their job was to be supportive. I also made it very clear that we would not continue being friends if they could not do this. This sounds harsh, but I was doing this for me because I'm worth it. If your friends can't see that, then they weren't good friends to begin with.
   — joshbearden

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