Question:
LOSS OF FRIENDS
I HAD SURGERY ABOUT 6 MONTHS AGO AND I HAVE LOST 125 POUNDS. I AM MUCH HAPPIER NOW OF COURSE BUT I HAVE A QUESTION. ANYONE OUT THERE LOSE ANY FRIENDS AFTER YOU HAD THIS SURGERY? I KNOW, IF THE "FRIEND" WAS A REAL FRIEND THEN I WOULDN'T HAVE LOST THEM BUT IT STILL HURTS. PLEASE HELP — CHRISTY F. (posted on May 13, 2003)
May 13, 2003
I lost my best friend of 36 years following this surgery -- 36 YEARS! I
can't tell you whether it was entirely related to this surgery and the
aftermath but I suspect it was. She was always the slender, pretty half of
our duo and I was the overweight but fun other half. All of a sudden, men
were no longer ignoring me. I was shopping in the same stores as her for
clothes. Personally, I hate that the friendship is lost but I feel as
though I have made many more friends since surgery and that kind of helps.
Sorry you're having trouble coping -- I still do too sometimes. Just keep
your chin up and keep being proud of all you've accomplished. Best of
Luck.
— Pam S.
May 13, 2003
yes, i lost 3 friends of 7yrs recently. I know it was due to the surgery
also. They said I had changed, though other friends and family said the
only thing that changed was the size of my waist and all.It's a terrible
thing, that i,along with others highly believe it's jeoulosy. And they can
not accept something good happening in my life, for once. I don't believe
i'll even invite them to my wedding, they are very childish(well we're in
our early 20's).... good luck to you, i feel i don't need so called friends
if they are going to downgrade me b/c of my decision... 9mos post op
-105lbs
— Sunny4x4chick
May 13, 2003
One thing that we have to be careful of post-op is not to overdo our
sharing our happiness with our non-WLS friends. By that I mean that those
of us who have had WLS often times can talk of nothing else to our non-WLS
friends but our WLS adventures-what we eat or can't eat or how much we can
or cannot eat, our new clothing sizes, how many pounds we have lost this
week, etc, etc, especially during the first year or so of our journey. Its
hard for our non WLS friends, especially those who were your eating
buddies, to see you change, grow smaller, not bond with them over food
anymore, etc, etc. Often times I don't think it is that they don't wish
the best for us, but that they no longer have common ground/interests with
us and yes, jealousy probably does come in to play some. I would advise
being very sensitive to their feelings, and seeing if you can talk about
any changes noticed in the friendship as soon as they occur. We're so
happy that we may not even be aware that "sharing" can seem like
"bragging". I try to keep my WLS stories, concerns, bragging to
other WLS friends, and if asked by non-WLS friends about my progress, I
make a few short comments and then ask, "what about you, whats going
on in your life?". So far, I have not lost any friends since surgery.
— Cindy R.
May 13, 2003
I haven't lost any friends yet, but the people who are really my friends
are really pleased with my weight loss and praise me. Then I have this one
friend, who praises me one day, then can find something negative to say the
next. I did a lot of research before surgery, and learned that a lot of
relationships can and will change. So I was very prepared with it. Just
keep your head up and realize you this for YOU and no one else. If the
peole in your life cant accept that, then oh well. Hope this helps *hugs*
— Shavonne P.
May 13, 2003
Interestingly, I haven't lost any friends but I've "lost" a
sister. She and I were always very close. She was even with me during my
hospital stay at surgery time. But, as soon as the weight loss became
obvious (a few months in) and I was losing sizes quickly, she walked away.
I would call her and she wouldn't answer or return my calls. When there's
a chance we'll be in the same place, she won't show up. When she was still
around, I made a point to never bragg or talk about my weight loss...I went
overboard NOT to make a big deal of it, but it made no difference. She's
struggled with weight issues for years, as well, so I know how difficult it
might be, to see someone close to you losing weight and becoming healthy,
but still this has been hurtful to me. I think a lot of people wrongly
assume that we will become egotistical and obnoxious after losing, so they
don't even give us a chance to show that we're the same person - just in a
smaller body. It's a shame.
— Mary W.
May 13, 2003
Yes, I lost my "best" friend after I lost weight. She's still
struggling with her weight. It's sad, but it happens, and it's not my fault
she can't deal with it. Since I've become more active, I've made a lot of
new friends, and I bet you will too!
— Angie M.
May 13, 2003
Dear Christine- Sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. That must
have been painful. Your heart and soul haven't changed, obviously, but
you've morphed from a caterpillar to the beautiful butterfly you were
always meant to be. The whole dynamics of your interactions with people
have changed, but your former friend can't perceive you in any other way as
the caterpillar. Hopefully she will realize how wondeful butterflies are
and see the error of her ways. Continued success on your journey!
— Mea A.
May 13, 2003
I am losing a friend I have had for 20 years. She has shut down. The joke
use to be that we were connected at the hip, our kids grew up together, we
shopped together did family things. From the beginning she was never
supportive of this decision for me to have surgery.
She didn't think it was worth it. And that all I would ever be able to eat
was tiny amounts.
If I want to see her I go to her house ( she has not been to mine since
last July ) If I want to talk to her I call her. As much as it hurts I have
to let her go, a one sided relationship is not worth the hurt.
— domestic G.
May 13, 2003
I have cut some old friends out of my life resently. Not because of the
surgery, just because it was time! As I see myself clearer, I see my life
clearer. I have broken off ties for one reason or another, mostly
one-sided relationships. It happens, it's a normal part of life. I still
have an abundance of real friends, I am blessed. As far as
"those" people, you have to realize that it's really their
problem, not yours. Most of the time we take things so personal, when in
acuality it rarely has anything to do with us. Don't look back..look
forward and enjoy your new life. If the friendship was meant to be it will
happen. Best of luck to you and congratulations!! Aimee
— chickiewickie
May 13, 2003
You've heard of fair-weather-friends? People who are only around when your
life is going great? Well I call these kind of people
foul-weather-friends. They are happiest when they have miserable people
around them. It seems to make their own miserable existance seem better.
— [Deactivated Member]
May 14, 2003
Im almost 7 months postie and have lost my best friend too. She and I
started out at the same weight...almost 400 lbs. I wanted the wls, she
said she preferrs eating and hates hospitals. She said she would support
me all the way. She never came to the hospital when I had wls...I should
have known it then. I gave her a bunch of my clothes that I 'shrunk' out
of...she got mad...we USED to wear each others clothes. I gave her some of
the clothes that she used to borrow....how would I know it would hurt her
feelings?? She rarily calls me, never comes over. Since I had wls she has
gained more weight and I feel like she blames me for it. She seems to get
a bit upset if I ever mention my weight or the surgery in any way....its
very sad...I loved her a lot.
— cherokey55
May 14, 2003
Losing friends, boy where do I start on that one... Yes you do find out who
your real friends are. Unfortunately I didnt have real ones. Now after 2
years of showing these people that it was still me even with out the 100
extra pounds they are starting to come around. I didnt really lose any
sleep over the deal, just thought they would come around in there own time.
And they did, but I know now who the real ones where/are... I can honestly
say that my opinion on the men I have met before and after surgury has
changed for the worse. For the ones that wouldnt look at me then are taking
2&3 looks now but that is it. I told them if I wasnt good enough then,
dont talk to me now... Good Luck
— Lisa J.
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