Question:
Telling family and friends

My surgery is scheduled and I haven't been able to tell my family. My husband knows and is supportive but my grown children and older siblings are another story.    — crazy4squirrels (posted on January 29, 2010)


January 29, 2010
I did not tell my family prior to the surgery, and I had only selected a couple of friends to tell. I have heard from many that they do not want to tell. It is a common yet very personal decision. One friend had it almost 2 years ago and she still hasn't told old friends and family. Here's what I did: I told the friends that my husband could have as support in case I didn't do well in surgery. I told one of my sibs just prior so that one family member knew, and for support to my husband. While in the hospital, I told my mom and gradually I have told the rest of my sibs. 6 weeks out, and I just told my mother in law but that is it for family. Everyone I have told knows it is not public knowledge and they do not have my permission to tell anyone else. I did not want to tell prior because I didn't want to have to defend my decision to anyone. It is scary enough to go thru w/out conflict. Plus nobody ever says the right thing when it comes to my weight, and I needed to protect myself before the procedure. Now that I have somewhat settled with the change, I am getting a bit more open about it. But once its out, you can't take it back, so I would advise you to wait if you are not sure. Best of luck.
   — arrowgirl

January 29, 2010
I am withyou on this, people are very judgemental. My sister till this day gives me grief each time I see her. It is a problem with me now. I have lost 98 lbs and feel good, but she is critical. I am sorry I told anyone that I had this surgery.
   — FSUMom

January 29, 2010
Before I had my surgery I didn't tell a lot of people that I was having RNY. One friend I told from work told everyone and that really upset me. Our friendship has not been the same sense. Although now I am very up front with everyone and anyone. I have started dating and I let the people I date know up front that I had the surgery. The reaction I get is amazing. Most people say you should be proud of what you did. And I am very proud. I saved my life this last year. It is your choice on who you tell and don't tell. Just don't be ashamed of what you have done. You are doing this for yourself not anyone else. Who gives a rats butt what they think or say. It is your body and you have to live in it the rest of your life. Good luck.
   — dsquire

January 29, 2010
I just told everyone and even still tell everyone even new people I meet. I did receive my surgery for me to get healthier. I didn't & don't care what others have to say. I put trust in my surgeon's reputation and staying motivated.
   — Michael Eak

January 29, 2010
I decided to be very open about telling people. Many were kind as asked if this should be public knowledge, and I decided to say yes. So... a lot of people know, including all my family. I've been lucky, I've only run into one "negative nellie"... an aunt who took the old line "couldn't you just diet and exercise." She didn't have the guts to say it to my face, she just said it to my wife. I decided not to even bring up the subject with her (she's 84) and we get along just fine. She hasn't asked about it and I don't bring it up when we talk. Other than that, I've been very pleased with the support I'm getting from friends and co-workers. Some say "how brave" and others say "good for you" and some have surprised me saying "I know this is tough, if you need to talk, I'm here." I count my blessings that I have such a supportive family and friends. I know "tell or not tell" is a very personal decision, and I support everyone who decides to keep it secret, but for me I just couldn't do it that way.
   — Greg K.

January 30, 2010
I had one co-worker whom I felt might give me some flack, so I didn't tell anyone at work until quite a while after I had the surgery. However, she noticed the change in my eating habits prior to the surgery (as I was following what was essentially the post-op "diet" only in larger quantities, in order to lose weight prior to the procedure itself), and she did comment favorably on the fact that I seemed to be eating healthier foods. <shrug> I guess it's just up to you and what you might feel like you can deal with. If you've had people in the past who've imposed their personal thoughts and ideas regarding your weight upon you, then for sure, what you're planning on doing is none of their business. But if you've had more people who have been supportive and positive of your efforts, then I think I might be inclined to tell them, because you can use all the support you can get. Plus, you'll be doing a lot to educate them, as well.
   — Erica Alikchihoo

January 30, 2010
I know every one's situation is different. But if I had it to do all over again, I would tell very few people; only those family members who had a need to know, for obvious reasons. I was unprepared for the negative responses I received. It became emotionally draining to keep having to defend myself once people knew. And as one post aptly said, it is hard enough to prepare for this without all the naysayers.
   — dasie

January 30, 2010
I have only tols my Son and his family. (Only reason I need someone to take me to the hospital and come and get me.) I do not feel like telling anyone else My husband knows but can't be here. I am not telling my daughters or their families as there is no need for a lot of people to know. I don't need the drama.
   — Tommy_my_girl

January 30, 2010
I agree with the others who responded about being open and honest. Once I went though all my pre-op tests and was approved, and KNEW it was happening, I was very open about it. I am PROUD of my decision to take control of my life and my health! It took years of thought and research to make my decision and once I did, I was not ashamed of it at all. As for nay-sayers, I simply tell them it was a decision I made for me, and I am very happy about it. Mostly they are misinformed as to the degree of risk...or jealous! Be proud and stand tall. You are very brave to take control of your life!!!
   — Karen K.

January 31, 2010
Donna, you are the only one that can make the decision to tell or not to tell. I've heard so many horror stories of people who've told and have had negative reactions. I've been very lucky with who I've told and my reactions have all been very positive. (I'm having surgery 4/8) I'm very open about it with my co-workers because there are 2 others in my office who've had wls. I've also told my mom, my boyfriend, and my sister. I haven't told anyone else in my family yet, but I probably will. My point is you don't have to tell, but you don't have to hide it either. I wish you all the best of luck. Be proud of your decision to do this for yourself, no matter who you tell.
   — bacon1975

January 31, 2010
Donna, deciding whom to tell is a difficult decision that I struggled with as well. I did share my decision with my silbings,mother and husband, because they are the people I love. They understood I wasn't seeking their approval,just their support. I chose not to share with others simply because it wasn't necessary. Seven years postop and I still have not shared with others. I know several postop whom have shared with others and they are constantly under the microscope....
   — [Deactivated Member]

January 31, 2010
I was trying to figure out whether or not to tell people outside my family when I came to the conclusion that I wanted to eliminate the sense "failure" sometimes associated with the surgery, so I told everyone and I told them with an attitude of pride in what I was doing. The response I got back has been completely positive and I think that is because I had a positive attitude. That has been my experience.
   — Muggs

February 5, 2010
congrats on you surgery, for me i am so private about my personal business i had told very few people nobody at my job at all. i just told my parents and my sisters, and not my friends at all because i dont wants to hear no neg talking at all
   — goal100

February 5, 2010
congrats on you surgery, for me i am so private about my personal business i had told very few people nobody at my job at all. i just told my parents and my sisters, and not my friends at all because i dont wants to hear no neg talking at all
   — goal100




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