Question:
M husband attended appointments with me--but he doesn't express his feeling about wls
When I ask my husband what do he think about the wls, he just say "whaterver you want" I gave him the information about all the complications. He found this wevsite for me. I want to discuss the complications with he, but I don't think thats something he feels confortable talkiing about. He'll say I trust your judgement. Any thoughts? — Toby2 (posted on June 8, 2008)
June 8, 2008
My longtime boyfriend is responding the same way. He has started asking
questions and I know that he knows that I'm not happy with the way I am
now. Are you looking for reassurance of your decision from your husband?
Is he truly being supportive when he says "whatever you want" or
is that just his demeanor? YOU are the one making the decision and the
fact he found this website for you means he is trying to be supportive in
my opinion. Have you opened up to him of how your weight has truly
affected you and probably your relationship? Once he understands then
maybe he'll open up more to his opinion but honestly, this is YOUR body,
YOUR life and YOUR health most importantly. I know it is very difficult to
have made this decision and support from your loved ones give us the
reassurance we need but remember WHY your're doing this and he will come
around once he realizes just how much your health and happiness is being
affected.
— psturgill
June 8, 2008
Not knowing your husband, it's hard to say. However, my husband told me
the same thing when I got closer to the surgery date and needed affirmation
more. I think my husband wanted me to realize just how much the surgery
would change my life. My husband knows that I value his opinion greatly
but he is smart enough to know that I needed to make this decision on my
own and for me only. David, my husband, is a wise man. He has always been
satisfied with me whether fluffy or skinny. You know us woman, it's a
catch 22. If our husband says "Yes, you need to do the weight loss
surgery" then us woman are going to immediately start thinking that we
are not good enough as we are. David stood by me and yet allowed me to
make my own decisions. I'm glad he did. I have now lost over 80 lbs (from
254 lbs to 169 lbs) and still my husband says, "You are beautiful no
matter what you look like." And you know what? I believe him.
— Breathin4him
June 8, 2008
I can honestly say when I told my husband what I'd been contiplating as far
as having the RNY (laproscopic) he was concerned, his first thoughts were I
don't want to loose you, then I left him the sites to check out for himself
and he did. After a long time of quiteness he said what ever you want, I
want you to be happy. He is always telling me that he loves me the way I
am, and I know he does. But I have not been happy about myslf for a very
long time and I'm ready for that change.Lam. 3:22 says" His Love leads
us to change!!" and thats where I am at.
Your decision should not be based on his approval athough that is
important, You must find your confidence in your surgeon and with God's
help and wisdom from above you will make the right decision, no one can
make the decision for you. This demands a life of change starting way
before the surgery, the real question is can you committ yourself to the
changes you will have to make. This is not something that you can do on a
whim, takes serious thought and you must be well informed and like I said
have total confidence in your Doctors abilities to carry you through.
Other reasons for my decision are based on a healthier me aftermy surgery.
I am pre-op, have gone through all the steps now I wait on a date for the
surgery which I should know before the end of this month. I will keep you
and your husband in my thoughts, and prayers.You may vivit me at my site
here any time, or at www.sparkpeople.com/nancyjean6
— Nancy C.
June 8, 2008
I been married for 42 years to a great wife, but I hate when she ask me a
question that is loaded. Somethings I feel no mater what I say, I will be
giving her the wrong answer to what she wants to hear. Things like, which
dress should I wear tonight; if I pick the red one, she wanted to wear the
white one and it only gets worse. I love the questions "does this
outfit make me look fat?" If she though it made her look slim she
would not ask, but then when I say yes, she is upset and goes and changes,
so we are late because I gave her my opinion. I try to avoid those
questions.
Here is what you need to consider. No that it will make you look better,
but you will be healthier, live longer and of course look better. My wife
is always been slim, and I have gained just 4-5 pounds a year. Yes, after
42 years of marrige that is between 168 to 220 lbs! I have tried every
diet. I dod the cooking, and I love to cook, but I want to see my
grandkids get married, and I want to do a lot of things that if I did not
do something I would die soon. RNY WLS saved my live. The older you get
the harder it is to diet. Now the risk. If you went to the hospital
tonight and they said that you had to have your appendex out or die
tomorrow, would you ask your husband what he thought? No you would just
have it done. With the right sergeon, WLS is no more of a risk to you then
having your appendex out. I waited three years worring about what my wife
would do if I died. Finally, my Heart Doctor told me I had 3-5 years if I
did not take the weight off. As he put it, I was, at 62, the oldest fat
patient he had, as the 64 year old fat guy before me died last week of a
stroke. That pushed me over the edge, along with the invitation to check
out a old folks home. Now I would not want to live there, but you know,
there were no fat people there. So did they put them on a diet that
worked? No, they all died before they could go to a home. Look at the
options, go to a support group meeting and talk to others that had surgery
with your sergeon and at the same hospital you plan to go to. Invite your
husband, but don't push. I backed off making my wife help me with this
decision, because she was never fat and new will be. Then she did not have
Diabities for 25 years, high blood pressure and high colestroal. All of
these and the drugs that tried to keep them in check are gone. I eat
healthy and my wife loves it. She is not crazy about my mood swings, but I
live with hers in her late 40's. We still socialize 3-4 times a week, I
just drink water now, and I do not have a plate full at dinner parties.
The real thing is for you to accept your new life style for the rest of
your life. It starts by accepting it today. The difference in diet and
WLS is you diet is your lifestyle because you would get sick eating like
you use to. I work out every day and now I can do the tings my wife always
wanted me to do with her. When we go on a vacation now, I can walk, run,
swim, and not join the old folk on the bus just looking from a distance. I
have the energy to pay with the grandkids and run on the beach. I am not
the last guy bringing up the rear any longer. Best of success to you.
— William (Bill) wmil
June 8, 2008
A alot of time I think they do not want to hurt our feeling and say yes you
need this, but then they do not realize how important there help and
understanding of what you are going to go throw is about. My husband told
me to do it for me because he did not care if I was big but he wanted me
health and around for a long time. He been throw good and bad moments, that
realy helps. He worry but never let me see it. But he not the I told you
so. I have My step-mom there with me all the way, from surgery to the days
at the hospital and all my meetings, I was hoping it help her out. But men
are very different and never want to show feeling, make them weak. But it
been 1 year almost to the date and Now I am divorce. Wish you all the luck
Carman In WV
— carman
June 8, 2008
You are asking your husband to walk into an emotional MINEFEILD! What your
husband wants MOST in life is for YOU to be HAPPY with YOURSELF and with
HIM. The LAST thing in the world that he wants is to have his WIFE angry
with him because he accidentally said something that upset her. One of the
most NOTORIOUSLY TOUCHY subjects between men and women, between husbands
and wives, has been WIEGHT. When your husband says, "Whatever you
want" What he is saying is, "I accept you no matter if you are
FAT or NOT. I do NOT want to FIGHT about this and I do NOT want to START a
fight by accident." Instead of WORRYING about his lack of support,
you should be grateful that you have a husband that accepts you as you are.
I am SURE that he is aware of the potential complications. HE found this
website for YOU. If you are really worried about it and want to make
CERTAIN that he is aware of the complications and want to give him the
information in a way that HE would feel comfortable with, give it to him in
a WRITTEN format. Let him READ it at his leisure and at a time where and
when he can do so PRIVATELY so that any emotional reaction that he may have
will not be displayed publicly. Let him have his dignity. After he has
read the information you can ask him what he thinks about it. If he
responds in a non-commital fashion, just let it be. Remember that he is
trying to support you by finding OH for you. He may not be able to
DIRECTLY support you emotionally, but he is trying to assist by finding a
group of people who CAN! Your man sounds like a typical man with a bit
more of a tough outer shell than most. Of course this is just from the
VERY LIMITED information that I have gotten from this post. Most guys are
DOERS, not TALKERS. They do not want to ANALIZE their emotions or those of
other people. If they see a loved one hurting, they want to DO something
to fix the problem. This is EXACTLY what your man DID. He found OH to get
you the support that YOU NEEDED and that HE COULDN'T GIVE. In DONG SO, he
actually GAVE you that support indirectly.
I hope this helps,
Hugh
— hubarlow
June 8, 2008
My Husband said the same thing when I was trying to decide. " Do
whatever you want." He also said, "I love you and I want you to
get old with me; I want you around for a long, long time."
I was fat when he married me so I know he doesn't care about my outward
appearance; he DOES care about my health. When I can't walk because my
knees hurt, he feels bad for me. When I'm facing hysterectomy because my
hormones are screwed up because of my weight, he's frightened for me. When
the Dr talked to us about increased risk of diabetes and heart disease,
stroke, and colon cancer--all of which are in my family background, I
watched his face register fear.
He reads everything I put in front of him about WLS and he also reads all
my blog entries so he knows what issues I'm trying to work through on any
given day. I researched extensively, so I read not only the glowing
recommendations but also the stories of WLS gone wrong. He knows the risks
as well as I do.
I can talk to him, and I do, about how the excess weight makes me feel. He
SEES how people treat me--the sideways looks and giggles; the barely
concealed disdain from waitresses and grocery checkers, etc. It hurts him
to see me getting my feelings hurt every day. He knows the trouble I've had
getting work, how anxious I am about my appearance. He knows how I avoid
social situations when I think I'm going to be the fattest person in the
room.
He loves me for who I am, not how I look, but he's terrified of losing me.
I give him a lot of credit for calmly saying, "Do what you want; I'll
be there to support you."
He's learning, along with me this week, just how difficult it is to follow
the low-sugar, low-fat diet plan. He's learning that we can't just order up
any old take-out food anymore. He can't bring home "treats"
anymore to show his love. He knows he's going to have to learn to cook for
himself if he wants things I can't have. He understands that I won't be
cooking and baking anymore as a way to show my love for him. He's going to
have to eat his Hagen Dazs bars in the car because he can't bring them
home--at least not yet!
When he says, "Do whatever you want," he doesn't mean that he
doesn't CARE. He means that he knows it's my body and that I am the one who
will need to live with the consequences, whatever I decide. He would never
try to influence my decision.
As difficult as it is, I can't expect him to take the responsibility for
this decision. I have to own this decision. I know, as much as I hate the
idea of the surgery (and I do) I know it's necessary for me. I know I am
not able to lose weight by any of the other 10 million methods I've tried.
I'm pre-op too. Believe me, I understand that you are uncertain and filled
with apprehension. Boy do I understand. But it's your body and it's your
decision. I don't know you and I don't know your husband. If he's the kind
of man who has trouble talking about his feelings, you might have to
(gently) pry it out of him but if he found OH for you, it shows he's
interested enough to get online and look up things on his own. If you're
really unsure of how he's thinking, try to get him to articulate his
feelings so that if/when they do wheel you into surgery, you'll
know--you'll both know--that you're on the same page. You'll both be
working together as a team on your new life--together.
— Tina G.
June 8, 2008
My husband is the same way. He was against the gastric bypass (but was ok
with Lap Band). My surgeon and I decided gastric bypass was the way to go
and despite the fact that the husband wasn't crazy about it (he was afraid
I would die), I had the surgery March 3. It was so successful and the
weight is coming off beautifully, that he's no longer worried... but he's
still pretty apathetic about the whole thing. He told me he'd love me fat
or thin... so I have decided that this is something that I've done for
myself... I'm happy with my decision and when I need moral support or a pat
on the shoulder, I talk to friends at work, support groups and/or websites
such as this. Do it for yourself. No one can understand what you're going
through unless they have been through it themselves so don't blame him..
and be happy!
— Donna_in_PA
June 8, 2008
OK here it goes, when I met my wife she told me she was thinking about
weight loss surgery and attending seminars for the last 3 years. I asked
her to take me to the next one. I walked out and she said "what do you
think". I said "we are getting this done ASAP. I have been next
to my wife at every step of the way. Every appointment, surgery, overnight
at the hospital. Thru the Optifast, crying over the bad, and crying over
the good. This is possibly the most important decision you will ever make.
Do it for yourself, for what you will benefit from it.
Find those who want to support you, I think once your husband sees how your
life will change, he will be sitting there in this great journey. Good Luck
.Please feel free to contact me if you need a cheerleader!!. I have a
strong passion for this surgery it will save your life!!
— Ira Sansolo
June 9, 2008
My husband Bill was pretty much the same way. He wasn't to happy with the
decision I made but now it is VERY different. He is one of my biggest
cheerleaders and helps me where food is concerned. I told him that it is a
learning experience for me on what and how much I can eat. Now he sometimes
reminds me to stop when I am full. I would rather have him do this than be
the way he was. He is happy with the new me for the most part. Sometimes
that green eyed monster comes out but he is getting control of that too. I
told him that I did this so we would have a long life together. That was
something that wouldn't happen if I didn't have the surgery. In time I
believe that things change and your hubby will come around and show a bit
more intrest. If not that is something you will have to accept.
— Brenda R.
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