Question:
DID I OVER-REACT?? AM I TOO SENSITIVE???
This W/E I went out of town with my sister (who is probably a size 20-22) and her friend (who reminded me of a 39 year old cheerleader/sorority sister). We went in this "Retro Cowboy" store and the friend bought some little stuffed animal keychains that made animal noises when you squeezed them. She played with them in the store and that was embarassing (sp?) but I walked outside and pretended I wasn't with them. But then we went to a Benigan's to eat and she pulled them out and started playing with them...holding them up by me saying "See, he's laughing!!! Isn't he cute?!?" Well, I don't know about you all, but I am very self conscious anyway, esp. when going out to eat. I am embarassed to have to ask for a booth... I feel like everyone is staring, whispering and laughing me (I weigh about 330 lbs.)....then to have attention drawn to you by this "cute" little toy making animal noises. It would have been bad enough if it had been a duck, but it was a PIG and a COW!!!!! They were loud enough that you could hear them across the place. I was close to tears and asked her several times to "PLEEZ stop! you are embarassing me, please stop it!" She kept on playing with them. When the waiter came over, I thought, OK! I'll try to joke my way out of this...I told him in an amused tone, "I'm going to need a 6 pack of beer if she doesn't stop it!" Then my sister said to me..."I think you are over reacting!!!" That was the last straw...I said "I'm over reacting, HUH? thEN I'LL LEAVE!" and grabbed my purse and left them there, walking the 4 blocks back to the hotel both extremely hurt and then very angry. My sister and I have had a fight about it and she says I "need some help with this issue...you are too sensitive about your weight." Writing this has made me hurt and mad all over again.....soooo was I in the wrong to be upset with this? — DELINDA T. (posted on August 25, 2003)
August 25, 2003
I don't think that you over-reacted at all. I would have been utterly
embarassed by the way your sister's friend was behaving. The fact that you
stood up for yourself and expressed your anger is a natural response. Your
sister needs to open her eyes and ears to see that her friend was acting
like a 4 year old. You don't need to be around people like that. As hard
as it may be, I would try to move on and just avoid socializing with people
that act immaturly in public places (esp. after they have been asked to
stop). Good Luck to you....kelly
— klinzey
August 25, 2003
Hi Delinda- I don't see the connection between animal toy noises and your
sister's comment that "you are too sensitive about your weight".
Was it because they were "fat" animals, a pig and a cow? How
were the other people reacting to the toy noises? Did they seem annoyed?
Were they too busy inhaling their slab of ribs to even notice? That might
be helpful in determining if you were over reacting or not. If your friend
was annoying people, the attention was being drawn to HER, not YOU! We can
only control our own behavior, we are not the behavior police, nor are you
your friend's mother. All we can do is ask them to stop and leave their
immediate area until they agree to do so. But another question is, why did
your friend continue to make these noises if she knew it was bothering you?
Did you ask her to stop in a friendly way? A demanding way? Was she being
a noodge? I would ask someone you know and trust if they feel you are too
sensitive. Hope you and your sis can work it out :o) Mea
— Mea A.
August 25, 2003
Actually I think you were, but that's just my opinion.I don't see what the
big deal was all about. Those things are cute. Annoying after about 30 min
of the noise, but fun.
I understand the sensitivity, I had it too, But since my surgery and the
weight I am losing I feel pretty darn good!
I think that I would have joined in with your sister playing with the
little things. IF you can't beat 'em, join 'em!
— Beverly S.
August 25, 2003
Hi Kelly (first poster)- Because they were cow noises, don't you mean
"udderly" embarrassing? LOL, sorry girls, I couldn't resist that
one! No harm meant, have a good night, and hopefully a good laugh. Peace,
Mea :o)
— Mea A.
August 25, 2003
From my perspective there are two different issues going on here. One your
sister's annoying friend who hasn't grown up yet. Things like that can be
cute/funny the first time or two but annoying after that. So from that
standpoint I've with you all the way.
<p>The second thing is your self image and embarrassment of being
larger. This is something you need to work on because the better your self
image can become before surgery the better you are able to deal with the
crap that life can throw at you. You need a thicker/tougher skin -
mentally. You deserve to be in that restaurant as you are a paying
customer just like anybody else - skinny, huge or inbetween. I know this
is easier said than done but learn a lesson from this situation and please
consider getting into counseling. Learning more about yourself will be so
good for you. Post-op life can be wonderful and depressing all in the same
day. It's best to prepare yourself as much as possible to deal with the
ups and downs.
<p>You are certainly entitled to your feelings but it appears you
need to learn to let some things roll off your back. You are a good human
being who only has to answer to herself about her weight. Do not let
others force you into a self-imposed prison because of their problem with
your size. It is their problem!
— zoedogcbr
August 25, 2003
There was probably some over-reaction on your part but that is very
understandable! Your sisters friend was very rude to continue to play with
the toys even after you asked her to stop.. However, your sisters comments
are nearly unforgivable -- she chose her imature friend over your feelings
and in my honest opinion that is inexcusable.
— SJP
August 25, 2003
Just one more comment - Being fat isn't nearly as "funny" as some
fat people would like others to believe. As all of us hear should know...
Remember this.. The clown may have a painted smile but he's crying
inside.
That's not to say take every comment or joke to heart.. But for others to
expect the fat person to laugh at a rude joke (because as everyone knows
fat people are jolly) <sarcasm intended> is uncalled for. Too bad
political correctness hasn't reached the obese YET. (probably ever)
— SJP
August 25, 2003
Initially, I'm inclined to think you really over-reacted. Why would you be
close to tears because this woman was being silly with a moo-cow toy she
just bought? What did her being playful/dumb even have to do with you? You
are a completely separate adult from that woman. Anyone who might have
looked towards the three of you probably thought, "Look at that silly
(or annoying) woman with the toy." It seems like you are certain,
however, that everyone in the place looked, and that they ALL thought
"Look at that gross fat woman who is with that woman with the
toy." Which makes me wonder if you have a social phobia, or
similar.'Cause like the previous poster indicated, it wasn't about you. At
all. Still, it's obvious from your post that you really were suffering and
upset. And whether or not your reaction was reasonable, your sister and her
friend should have picked up on your distress, and stopped with the mooing.
Maybe they thought you'd lighten up and get over it. I'm sorry you had such
a bad experience, and I think you might want to talk with someone about
esteem issues. Good luck on your journey.
— Kim A.
August 25, 2003
Well, I have to agree with Brook Lee. I used to be sensitive too just
like you. You need to lighten up. Honestly life is too short to stare at
people in a resturant! If you people watch the next time you go in a
resturant, you'll notice that people look in your direction because they
are simply doing that! Just looking in your direction! It's ok to ask her
to stop, but no need to cry and 'cause a scene. People probably didn't
take notice until you had a temper tantrum and walked out of the resturant.
Life is just a giant test. In order to pass, you need to take everything
in stride! I do and I have a wonderful life.
To throw my psych in there, I think that you might be using your weight to
cover deep insecurities. I would suggest that you find a professional you
can confide in and ask what they think the appropriate response should have
been. I don't believe you owe anyone an apology but I do think you owe
them a different attitude next time you're together. Don't let something
that little 'cause you and your sister to fight. family is really all we
have in this world. I wish I could have my sister around again. Sorry for
such a long response. I tend to babble when concerned.
— Annie Hightower
August 25, 2003
Hi. I don't think you over-reacted. I think they were insensitive and a
little mean spirited in their "surprise" that this upset you.
Sometimes I think the people we love (your sister) hurt us the most.
— Mary S.
August 25, 2003
Delinda, hon yes u did over react however, we all have our days and its not
something to beat your self up over... let me tell you a little story of
mine..in 1995 i was diagnosed with ITP and put on steriods for my
condition, well i was like a balloon and at about 260 but soo swollen i
looked bigger. anyways my older brother Gary called me from reno he use to
call me bubba jones i always hated that and he knew it and so he hadnt
called me that in many years jokingly he said it during that phone call and
i blew up at him and hung up, he knew it hurt me and never said it again
well in 1996 he died and to this day if i could only hear him say that i
would give my everything, the moral of the story is, dont sweat the small
stuff because u never know how much you will miss it till its gone! good
luck hon ..
— Deanna Wise
August 25, 2003
Hey...
I am sorry this happened to you. I don't think you were over reacting, I
would have felt the same way. Whether they meant it that way or not it
still hurts. Sounds to me like the 'cheerleader' was maybe enjoying it a
little too much not to realize that anything that sounds like a pig or a
cow noise could cause pain to someone who is overweight. Your sis should
have been on your side REGARDLESS. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty
about getting your feelings hurt. Your feelings are just that, your
feelings. I can relate to this incident. I was in a dollar store the
other day and heard a small child say "that is a bad lady"... he
was looking at halloween stuff, jack o lanterns and witches, etc... but
after he said it I continued to ask myself over and over if he really said
"that is a fat lady" and was talking about me. It is hard not to
feel self concious at this size no matter wht the circumstances are. Give
yourself a break! Pam
— Pam B.
August 25, 2003
Feelings are not right or wrong. I have behaved like you (especially
PMSing). However, I would have been annoyed by the continuous sound but
would have never related it to my MO. My daughter and I (both Post op) had
wondered why we had never incurred the prejudices others have. We decided
that we just don't associate other people's rudeness to our size.
BUT, her comes the butt LOL. A courteous friend and sister would have
stopped. The insult here is that they didn't consider your feelings and
stop. That was rude.
— faybay
August 25, 2003
I too am pre-op and weight about 330. I used to react very similar to the
way you reacted. I thought everyone was looking at me and never wanted
anyone to call attention to me. I talked to my Dr. about it and after a
lot of discussions, he diagnosed me with both General Anxiety Disorder and
Social Anxiety Disorder. He said it was simply a chemical balance problem.
He put me on anti-anxiety meds and let me tell you - I'm a totally
different person. I have much more self confidence and no longer feel as I
did. Please talk to your Dr. about this incident and others. Don't be
afraid - take this big step. Ask for HELP, just like you did here. Let
him know the nightmare that you live in. It will change your life!
— Tom Barton
August 25, 2003
I can understand how you felt because most of us have been there. Our
society conditions people who are overweight to feel like they are often
the brundt of jokes. Only those people at the restaurant that day could
possibly judge the motives of the people involved. Sometimes they are good
and sometimes they aren't. But I think perhaps you did over-react--and if
you did, it was just oversensitivity on your part to a brudishly
insensitive person. I used to react to things the same way and it was
those times when you have to have a talk with yourself. You cannot control
the behavior of anyone but yourself. You choose whether or not to take
offense to something and if you make the decision not to take offense, but
just to be bold and speak up, I guarantee that it will not always rectify
the situation, but will boost your self-esteem because you dare to speak
your mind. Eleanor Roosevelt said "No one can make you feel inferior
without your consent." There's a great deal of truth to that.
Society has conditioned those overweight to feel like they are less than
human sometimes and we're not. It just takes making up your mind that
you're not going to react in a self-conscious manner--but speak your mind,
whether or not you get the result you desire. You can always walk away
knowing that you did your best when you do.
— Cathy S.
August 26, 2003
You did over react but it was also thoughtless of her to keep it up after
you stopped. Don't worry. It will hopefully pass in time. You are allowed
to feel what you feel and don't need to apologize for it. I don't think it
was very nice of either of them to not respect your feelings.
— snicklefritz
August 26, 2003
Deinda,
I'm afraid that I would have reacted the same way you did, only
sooner. After all these years of my being M.O, I just don't like to be seen
in a restaurant. I feel people are staring and pointing at me, and I have
to sit at a table, I cannot fit into a booth. You friend was drawing
attention to where you were sitting and you just didn't want people to see
you there. I know EXACTLY how that feels. Oh, and I do see my psychologist
monthly about my poor self image.....I'm a work in progress. I am scheduled
for open RNY on 9/3/03. Wouldn't it be nice to go places without looking
"different" than others?
— Bob M.
August 26, 2003
They should have be decent enough to consider your feelings and stopped. I
don't blame you. Life is to short. Dump em.
— Danmark
August 26, 2003
They should have stopped after you told them to put the pig and cow away,
just out of respect for you, but it sounds like they were just being silly.
I hope you realize that no matter how much you try not to draw attention
to yourself, you are not invisible. You never will be invisible.
Sometimes we want to be, or feel like we are. But we're not.
— mrsmyranow
August 26, 2003
Yes, I think you overreacted on that one. In fact, I think your scene
might have caused more attention then the other woman's goofing around. I
weigh far more than that and have been to many restaurants across the
country and abroad with my sister. You have to get to a point where you
could care less what other people think about you (if they're thinking
anything at all). I've had a comment or two thrown my way in the past but
the vast majority of people are pretty cool and easy going. Who cares
about a fool and what a fool thinks?
As for your sister, I think since that was her friend, she should have been
more sensitive and seeing your discomfort, stopped her friend from playing
around. There's a time and place for everything. My sister and I travel a
lot and we go to a lot of places and one thing we do know is each other and
what our triggers are -- so as the saying goes "we have each other's
back". However, I certainly wouldn't let something like that come
between me and my sister. We're not guaranteed tomorrow and I rather spend
my energy creating great moments I have with my sister than stirring over
something that ultimately is not really that important in the big scheme of
things.
But take this incident as a life lesson in cultivating the positive image
of yourself so you don't have to worry about what other's think. That's
better energy spent.
— dianna M.
August 26, 2003
I tend to agree with Brooke Lee on this one. One of my favorite Dr. Phil
sayings is.."You wouldn't be concerned about what others thought about
you if you realized how seldom they did." I know that when I go out
into public, I don't sit and make judgments about people's weight and
criticize their every move. Although there are folks who DO that, I think
generally people are just out enjoying their own company and aren't even
noticing you. I also think that your scene caused more attention than the
chick playing with the toy. It didn't sound like the friend was directing
the noises at you.. just making the noise with the toy because she thought
it was cute. If she had said.. "Look, the cow sounds just like you!
You are a cow just like this.." etc.. then that would be offensive.
Try to lighten up and try to smooth it over with your sister. I know it's
hard.. I have been there a million times.
— SarahC
August 27, 2003
Delinda,
I have two daughters. My 11 year old has major self esteme problems and
my 9 year old is very outgoing. When I read your post, I could easily see
my girls in the same situtation. Tami (11 year old) has feelings that she
is ugly, fat (she is VERY petite) and everyone is always looking at her.
Tami is very small (wears a size 7) due to her biological mom drinking
alcohol while she was pregnant which makes her self image even worse. Tawni
is just the opposite. She is loud, outgoing and thinks she is it. Tawni
doesnt give a hoot who is looking at her or what they are thinking. Tawni
tends to embarrass Tami is almost the same way you described and Tami would
react just like you did. What should I do as a parent?? Make Tawni not be
herself because it bothers Tami?? Let Tawni act anyway she wants eventhough
it causes Tami to go deeper in her shell?? See, there are no right answers!
The way I ended up handling the problem was by seeking help for Tami. She
has now been on Paxil for about 5 months and has completely changed. Tami
now has become very talkitive and no longer wants to be
"invisible". Tawni and Tami have always been close, but now they
are doing so much better.
I really dont think you over reacted. I think you acted the only way you
know how. The question is, do you want to continue to feel the way you do?
If not, talk to your doctor.
P.S. I am going to email you a picture of Tami. I know you will think she
is just adorable, but I want you to realize that she DID feel just like
you. When she looked in the mirror, she saw a fat, ugly, short person and
wanted desperately to be invisible.
— S A.
August 27, 2003
<p>Hi, Delinda: I'm so sorry for this humiliating experience. I am
also VERY insecure about my weight and very self conscious about it. I
understand your anger and embarassment. Let me please offer a different
point of view: Is it possible that the friend thought maybe you were
depressed and was trying to cheer you up? Perhaps she didn't mean it at
all as derogatory toward you. As a thin person, she would have no idea how
embarassed you felt.</p>
<p>While I think maybe you should possibly try to explain why you
were upset to your sister and try to smooth things over, the friend owes
you an apology for making you feel uncomfortable; the simple fact is that
she should have respected you enough to stop when you said stop. NO MEANS
NO!</p>
<p>One last bit if I may; I don't think you would have been nearly so
upset if this friend had also been doing it to your sister. As it was, it
appeared that she was making fun of only you, so I truly don't blame you
for being upset. I just wanted to possibly offer another explanation for
what she did.</p>
<p>Good luck, I hope you'll be able to work things out with your
sister.
— Moysa B.
August 27, 2003
This almost sounds like a panic/anxiety attack to me. Please note that I
am not saying I have never felt this myself: because I have (and I am sure
most of the WORLD has)this is not exclusive to the MO. But I also had the
common sense to "talk myself down from it" rather than acting on
it- sure there have been times where I have just left a cart full of
groceries in the aisle at the store and have gone home, the feelings are so
overwhleming, but I have learned to control the "insecurities"
... so to speak. As for acting on it (leaving the situation) not everyone
goes to such extreme.... SO, Yes, I do feel you overreacted. I think she
had every right to play with her toys- silly as they are & she is; they
amused her. How on earth is she supposed to know the thoughts going on in
your head? I do think you need some counseling or perhaps even medication
(I take Prozac) because fact is, not "everyone" is looking at
you, or whispering behind your back or noticing you need a booth.
Regardless of your size; I chalk it up to paranoid behavior. I also find
it ineresting how you refer to her friend as a "sorority
sister/cheerleader" type! As if that typical stereotype has no
insecurities/problems of their own???
— Karen R.
August 27, 2003
I do think you over-reacted, but I also think that they under-reacted to
your needs. Isn't that what friendship and love are all about?
— [Deactivated Member]
August 27, 2003
— Kristine K.
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