Question:
Did I expect too much??
I had my surgery 4 years ago and look and feel great. I honestly can't complain about the surgery it changed my life in so many great ways. Here's my problem-I'm 42 and single. Never been married and no children. I may have expected too much from the surgery-all my overweight life I thought if I lost weight I'd have no problem finding a relationship. Now I have dates pretty much when I want them but nothing ever works out long term. I'm depressed about this any advice would be appreciated-thanks — sachbe (posted on December 3, 2006)
December 3, 2006
Sounds like your dating the wrong kinda guy. Try a different type. Don't
look so hard, stop looking and they will find you. The more you look, the
more desperate you will become and date the wrong type. Give yourself a
break. Smile and keep yr chin up!
— crystalsno
December 3, 2006
You're looking to hard -- I'm sure youj've hearde that one before. Stop
looking yet -- go on the date and call it just that -- a date. Don't lay
out any expectation and try not to give out any. Just go on the dates and
have a good time. If its meant to happen, it will happen.
— the7thdean
December 3, 2006
Hi.... I have to say that I agree with the other two posters. I was
divorced and looking for someone and was, like you, getting discouraged.
Then people told me the same, "stop looking and they will come to
you". Within 1 month when I had just resigned to the fact that it
would happen when it would happen.... it happened. I met my current
husband. I went out and just enjoyed life. (This was before WLS) I
think, at times, we as overweight people tend to blame alot on weight.
"If I lost weight... then this will happen, I will meet the right
person, my problems will not be as big" Well, now being on the other
side, it doesn't always change everything that we thought it would. Just
have fun, be confident and comfortable in your own skin. The right person
will see this fun loving, attractive person and be drawn to you. Just
don't lower your standards. There is nothing wrong with high
expectations.... you deserve it.... good luck and happy holidays....
— Kari_K
December 3, 2006
Please go to your local library or bookstore and check out any number of
books written by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. In particular, "10 things
Women do to Mess up Their Lives" (not that your life is messed up - in
fact, it's probably great right now, but the points in the book bear
attention.) And also, "Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands"
(applies to dating relationships, too). Her web site is DRLAURA.com.
Good luck!!
— Patricia R.
December 3, 2006
Go to places where you can meet people who like the same things you do. If
you like photography, go to a photogrqphy class, for example. When you
meet guys, don't look at them as life partners, just try to be friends,
like you would with another woman. The best marriaages are based on
friendship, respect and mutual interests.
— Novashannon
December 3, 2006
Along time ago I went thru the same thing.
I've been heavy most of my life since the teen years and I know my family
loves me but at times it has been difficult. My grandmother would always
say "you have such a pretty face/smile if only you loose weight. I've
heard if you loose the weight you would have men lining up. Pschyologically
I didn't believe it but I wanted to and ended up believing it. We have to
change the way we think and feel more secure .I lost the weight by myself
only to have a false security and shot right up after about 6mnths. I
wanted the world to say you look great. I thought they would be knocking on
my door. I learned You need to LOVE yourself and pamper YOU. Also we have
to STOP all the negative feelings we have. You are a child of God and he
loves you in any shape. He knows how your life will be and he doesn't want
us feeling that way. Ask for strength and guidance. I know sometimes we try
so hard and set ourselves to fall. I know I did many times. Things will get
better. I believe you haven't found that special one yet but he is coming
in Gods time.
— Kathleen Robinson
December 4, 2006
At 42 I would be eager for that special relationship too! But, like so many
have said before me...it will happen when you least expect it and you can
increase the possibility by getting involved in life and doing what you
enjoy doing! Don't sit at home waiting...and definitely think of dates as
"friends" you'd like to know better, NOT life partners! A
relationship based on friendship, then love, IS soooo much better than one
based on "lust of the flesh"! Be patient, he will come in time~In
the meantime, keep enjoying your new life! :O)
— zoeysgrami
December 4, 2006
Sandy - One thing I haven't seen written so far is one thing that could be
key to the "whole you." So many people out there have gone
through hell and back and can't figure out why things don't fall into place
when they finally get control of the thing that they perceive was holding
them back. You have to ask yourself a question though: What was holding
you back when you were fat? There are a lot of fat married people out
there - ones who were fat before they started dating. I'm one of them.
But that doesn't mean I'm a whiz at relationships - I am muddling through
myself right now trying to figure out what my issues are. It doesn't mean
you were beaten as a child or that you were otherwise abused, but living a
life of obesity takes it toll on our personalities. My advice to you is to
see a counselor. You may be a very well adjusted person otherwise, but you
have to ask: Why are you dating a lot but not finding a mate? I think the
answer lies within you. For me, I have been on a journey for awhile now in
counseling, learning things I never realized. For me, seemingly minor
things that happened to me as a kid coupled with a lifetime of obesity has
caused me to not let myself get past certain blocks. I had a "work
around" when I met my husband and we were best friends. But I have
come to realize that there is part of me that stops dead cold when I feel
uncomfortable....uncomfortable in situations that shouldn't cause me
discomfort. I fight it today but am learning more and more about why I
have this block that I never recognized before. I tought I was quite the
opposite, in fact, but I've come to see that just isn't true. I am open
and warm and a great companion, but when it gets too close I start to feel
smothered. And that is when the barriers go up...totally involuntarily I
might add. So look at yourself and ask some hard questions. Then go to a
counselor and start asking those questions. Spend a little time -
sometimes it seems to go nowhere....then one day a lightbulb goes on. And
that is when you might find yourself changing and either attracting the
kind of person you want to be with, or opening yourself up to more in the
long run. You aren't alone though - know that for a fact. You got the
outside fixed which helps the inside a bit, but sometimes you have to dig a
little bit to fix the inside to fit the outside....Dina
— Dinka Doo
December 4, 2006
ALL OF YOU ARE GREAT!
Yesterday when I posted that I was really sad and depressed and feeling
very alone. Each one of you that has posted a response has helped me feel
so much better. I needed to hear the things you said to me it helped me to
rethink things and take a good look at what's been happening since the
weight loss. My life is great and I need to start living it with or
without a man and that's exactly what I'm going to do starting today :o)
Thanks everyone!
— sachbe
December 19, 2006
I agree with Dinka Doo. I weighed 365 pounds when I first met my husband
4.5 years ago. We got married 3 months after my surgery. My husband is a
good guy....don't get me wrong. BUT, I have changed in some ways that I
didn't even know I would. Alot of the changes that have come about in me
now were suppressed when I was fat. I am now a very young and active 31
year old. My husband will be 41 in April. He looks extremely young for
his age (like early 30s), but is not as active as I would like him to be.
I get tired of him not wanting to go anywhere or do anything with me now
that I am feeling and looking good ( I weigh 164 pounds now at 5'8").
I don't have any children either, but that's by choice. I love them, but I
just like my life the way it is for right now. The other posters are
right. Unfortunately the weight loss does not solve any problems except
the weight problem. I also believe that everything else most likely
existed prior to the weight loss, but it is just easier to blame everything
that goes wrong on our weight. I am sure that you are a WONDERFUL person,
and you have come soooo far in life. You deserve to ENJOY it. I would
rather marry the right person for the wrong reasons than to marry the wrong
person for the right reasons. At least with the right person, you know it
will last. Anything can be worked out as long as you have the right person
by your side. Keep your chin up. The right person will come along. Let
me just end by saying this.....The right person will be attracted to an
active, fun loving, outgoing person. Not to someone who walks around
moping and depressed all the time and not enjoying life.
— Firebutie
December 19, 2006
Sort of the same--- I had two kids, youngest was almost1.5 and I weighed
330 day of surgery, I was depressed in almost every way, and single. Feb.
of this year I met my now bnoyfriend, and he has told me that if he had met
me before he probably would not have went out with me.....hhmmm. Well I
could hold it against him, but i am who i am now, not then... Go out be
careful, have fun, make up for the earlier years setting at home on Fri,
and Sat. nites..... But BE careful, and.. you dont have to tell everybody
your "health history"
— Margaret A.
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