Question:
Mom is adamantly opposed to WLS - HELP
— Beverly M. (posted on September 16, 2003)
September 16, 2003
I am sorry your mother is not supportive of you. All the reasons you
listed are what's wrong with her. She is worried to death about you and
being a nurse, she has seen all the bad stuff. I am aoso a nurse and i
think sometimes that too much knowledge is worse than none at all. You are
having the surgery for YOU. So do your best and let her see how well you
are doing. We have all tried to diet just one last time and it didn't
work. If I were you, I would stay with her after surgery and let her help
take care of you and feel like a mom. I know it might be hard to accept
help from her but in the long run, all things will work out. Good luck on
your surgery!!!!!!
— Delores S.
September 16, 2003
Tell her that that the National Institute of Health (NIH) has recognized
that only 2% of people, who try to lose weight, will lose it and keep it
off for a period longer than five years. They (the NIH) has published that
surgery is the only permanent solution to keep weight off and avoid death
and disease associated with obesity.
— Tom Barton
September 16, 2003
Ok, obviously you are not going to change her mind about it. What you can
ask her (since you will be recouperating at her place) if she will be there
for you AFTER and help you in the recovery process and keep the negative
comments to herself. She obviously isn't up to date on this surgery, nor
does she care to be. If she continues to harp on you regarding this, tell
her "Mom, I love you and I know your worried about me doing this. I've
considered/researched everything and I'm still going to do this with or
without your support. Now, please keep the negative comments to
yourself". Or something along those lines. I'm sure after you have
lost your weight and proved her wrong that she will be your biggest
cheerleader. Good luck!
— Kris T.
September 16, 2003
You've got to do what's right for you no matter what your mother says.
She's probably just afraid for you, because this surgery and the first 2-3
months aren't always a walk in the park. Nurses see all the bad and don't
always see the good results. If you think you can handle her negativity,
it might go a long way to bridge the gap if you stayed with her during
recovery. But in the meantime, do all the research you can do--have a
recovery plan for yourself. Try to see a nutritionist ahead of time and
get started on making sure you have found a protein drink you can stomach,
so there will be no surprises. Getting yourself in the best possible shape
now will go a long way to alleviating her fears.
— Cathy S.
September 16, 2003
My mother was very similar to yours. She thought it was too extreme and
that was that. I gave her Barbara Thompson's book to read and it really
gave her all the facts in black and white. At least she then understood
today's procedures. That was the first hurdle. Regarless of her
disagreement she is still your mom and will more than likely take great
care of you without being judgemental. After all once you have the surgery
she can no longer argue that point with you. My mother has seen me progress
beautifully and has been surprised to find that not only have I lost almost
all of my weight in 8 months but that I eat pretty normally and feel great.
As they say, the proof is in the pudding. There is no denying a huge weight
loss and the improvement in your self esteem. The end of this story is that
my mother is scheduled for her ver own RNY in October. Imagine that. Full
circle in a very short time. Bottom line is that they love us and are
afraid but they come around. Good Luck!!!!! :)
— Carol S.
September 16, 2003
ok...this is only my advise. DON'T talk to her about it at all. both of you
are firm on what you believe and are just butting heads. from what you
wrote i can see your mother loves you very very much and i don't think that
love will be taken away if you have wls..do you? she said that she wants to
be there to help with the recovery protion, but during that time she is
"helping" and you are feeling like crap, is she going to keep
saying "i told you so?". if you think that is the case then i
would NOT stay with her during that time. i had open RNY distal and the
first week was kind of tough because there were certain things i couldn't
do for myself...like wipe my own butt. thank go my husband was there for me
, just like your husband would be there for you. i stopped all pain meds
the day i came home for the hospital(my choice), i could shower on my
own(even in the hospital, the only think i couldn't do was wipe for the
first week. if your mother is so against this don't think because you are
feeling not so hot after surgery that she will stop. if you are set firm on
having wls..tell her that point blank. and that if she wants to still be
the one to take care of you after surgery that you don't want to hear
anything negative...if she can't do that then DON'T go there. and even
after the surgery only talk about it with her if SHE asks you. you sound
like you have alot of love in your family and i am sure all will work out
for you no matter what you choose.
— franbvan
September 16, 2003
My family was the same but probably worse they refused to help me post op
or see me....they all stuggle with their weight too....my conclusion to
their irrational stance on WLS is that they will be left alone and still
fat fighting to win the endless battle with no hope...they are jealous and
envious b/c they do not have the courage to to take such a bold stand on
behalf of their help and happiness....there is nothing you can do for your
Mom ...she will slowly change as you start to loose weight....don't focus
on having her approval just let her start accepting the idea.....
— E. V.
September 16, 2003
Hi Beverly- Sorry that you're going thru this with your mom. If you
weren't related, she would probably be okay with it :o) Since you have
tried talking till you're blue in the face, I would say something like
"Mom, I am having WLS on Oct____, with or without your support. I
will be in _______ Hospital, then recovering at ________ (home, hotel,
etc.) It would be nice if you could support me, but if not, you need to
stay away." Then be prepared to go thru the surgery without her
support and not recovering in her home, as she is driving you crazy
anyways. If she continues to bring up the surgery in a negative way, I
would say "The subject is closed." You need to keep positive at
this time, it sounds like she is really stressing you out. Best of luck to
you, you'll do fine :o) Mea
— Mea A.
September 16, 2003
I would invite her to go to a lecture with you on WLS. Eventhough she is a
nurse she may not know about the surgery. She still may be thinking
intestinal bypass surgery from years ago. She is scared probably.
— Mary E.
September 16, 2003
I DID put off my surgery due to my family's misgivings for nearly 3 years.
I was actually out of state, at the hospital and scheduled for surgery the
next day. Sadly word was gotten to me that my cousin had been struck by
lightening and killed earlier in the day. With such a loss, my mother and
whole family was terrified of losing me too. So, yeah, I was freaked out
too. But, the end of the story is, that I waited and then went ahead 3
years later. I wasted 3 long years that I could have been healthier and
happier just to satisfy my family's fears. There is a balance here, but if
you are sweet, but firm, hopefully she will come around, but you MUST do
what is right for you, no matter what anybody else thinks! Good luck and
God bless!
— Marla H.
September 16, 2003
Thank you all. It's a tough spot to be in. I am going to do what I feel is
best for me, no matter what. I have tried to help her see what this is all
about now, but she just flat out refuses to listen, read or any of it. So
we'll see, I guess I am kind of in a play it by ear mode right now.
Jason & I have already started thinking about recovery and what to do,
plus alternate options. Thankfully the rest of my family and friends are
very supportive. So we'll see. It's actually more stressing on Jason right
now, since I don't have to be around her on a daily basis. So we'll see.
— Beverly M.
September 16, 2003
My mom was EXTREMELY opposed to me having the surgery. I knew she would be
and put off telling her about it as long as possible. Unfortunately, she
found out about it 4 weeks prior to the surgery. We had our discussions
and arguments about it and I finally told her that I didn't want to hear
anymore negativity about it. I told her it was stressful enough for me to
even be having surgery and she wasn't making it any better. I told her
that if all she had was negative things to say, then say nothing at all.
That actually worked. She also was the one who took care of me post-op and
she was VERY good to me during this time. You have to realize that she's
afraid that you will die. Once you get through the surgery and she sees
your doing well, her opinion will change.
— Patty H.
September 16, 2003
My guess (cause it sounds like we have the same Mom!)is that your mother is
projecting her own weight issues onto you.. She thinks SHE wouldn't need to
take such a step and SHOULD be able to do it on her own and she projects
these hopes onto you. Consider the likelihood of you losing the weight
without surgery and make your decision for yourself, not for your Mom or
your husband. My Mom ended up being thrilled with my weight loss, despite
her reservations. Good luck!
— Laura B.
September 17, 2003
WLS is a very personal decision. This is YOUR biz and YOUR life. I have a
suggestion for you. You don't need to stay with your mother, you can stay
home. I'm single and was perfectly capable of taking care of myself as long
as I had appropriate groceries and meds in the house. I had a visitor come
about every three days for the first two weeks. After that I was able to
drive and shop for myself. Hubby could take a few vacation days and you'd
not even have to deal with mom. In two weeks you'll be able to drive again
and be able to take care of your own shopping. Any lifting/vacuuming, etc.
can be done by hubby on the weekends. You don't need your mother's
negativity at this time. It's a difficult enough decision without a
naysayer pulling you down.
— Margaret G.
September 17, 2003
Sorry Beverly, but your mother sounds like a cruise director for guilt
trips!
— Bob M.
Click Here to Return