Question:
family and friends
When I weighed 221 pounds, my family always talked about how unhealthy I was. I have lost 77 pounds, and weigh 144 as of this post, my Dr. is thrilled and all my blood work is perfect, off all diabetic meds. Now my family is constantly telling me I look sick and that I need to stop losing, I would like to weigh 120. With every comment, I defend what I am doing, and when I leave or hang the phone up, I cry. I would think they would be proud of me. If anyone looks at pics I posted you can see I am not "skinny"...I didn't post any before, cause I haven't found the right one yet. I hate being under the microscope. please advise — 775laurie (posted on June 11, 2008)
June 11, 2008
Sorry to hear you are going through that. I had wls once before in 1995
and got down to 130 and found I looked to thin myself I am big boned. but
i still got the comments as well from my family damned if you do and if you
don't. I got so mad once i just said my doctor is keeping tabs on me and
all is ok so mind your buisness. I took a look at your photos and you look
great you look healthy to me so keep it up. Try to keep your wt at what
your bmi says it should be and you will be fine. Eventually the family
gets used to it and really i only found the ones who needed to lose a few
pounds in my family were the ones saying I looked sick and to thin hmmmm
maybe a little jelousey just maybe. keep your chin up girl it gets better
— Nurse343
June 11, 2008
People who were close to you tend to remember the "old" you and
not remember what you looked like when you were younger and thinner. My
"color" looked off, even though I did daily walking. I switched
to the liquid vitamins mentioned on my profile page, and several people,
including my support group leader, commented that I had better facial color
tone. I managed to also get into the low norm on vitamin D on these liquid
vitamins from being way below normal. This may have been the difference, I
don't know for sure. But I do feel better, and my labs look good. Your lab
work is the determining factor of establishing how well your vitamin levels
are. Even though I take an excellent vitamin, my D levels could be higher.
I've opted to begin some Vitalady D, based on a post from her to OH one or
two days ago. Too many issues from low D levels, and it seems that more
than half of the human population suffers from very low or seriously low D
levels, leading to other issues. DAVE
— Dave Chambers
June 11, 2008
Laurie, I kind of agree with the first answer,,,jealousy, depending on who
is on you about it. Other ideas are that they see a big difference and are
truly fearful that you are losing too much from THEIR POINT OF VIEW. Maybe
too fast for them to absorb. Another thing is CONTROL. You would know
best if you were controlled by your elder family members. If you were, this
is just another kind of control...to have them tell you where you should be
weightwise. Your weight is yours to control, not theirs. Fluff it off and
forget about their comments. Of course, your doctor should let you know
what a good weight would be for you. I haven't looked at your pictures
yet, but don't over do it because you were heavy and now want to go too far
the other way. YOU are in control.
— SkinnyLynni2B
June 11, 2008
Lori, I know what you are going through. I haven't had the lap band yet
but I am seeing the doctor today at 5pm to tell her I want it. See how
that goes. But I totally understand about the family. They are so
concerned and then when you do something about it, it still isn't good.
You just do what is right for you!! Its how you feel in your skin and how
you feel when you look in the mirror. Let them say you look sick - do you
feel sick? NO! then phooey on them. You are living your life they aren't.
I congratulate you whole heartedly and wish you happiness and contentment
in completing your journey of weight loss. Its hard to ignore them but
maybe under your breath you could say, it was worth it.
— Ravenesqued
June 11, 2008
You are doing great and you must remember, you are doing this for YOU not
them. Don't cry, be happy, I wish I could give you a hug. I have not done
this yet, but wish I was you, congratulation.
— dlwhiz1
June 11, 2008
Honey, don't worry about them! Are you doing this for yourself or for
them? You need to let them know that it isn't for them and that you don't
need their negative comments in your life. You look pretty darned healthy
to me, far from sick! When these people start telling you these things,
simply tell them that you understand their concern, but you don't need
their comments. Keep your head up and Go Girl! As long as you feel good
about yourself, who cares what they think anyway!
— EugeneHinson
June 11, 2008
Hi....I think that sometimes people just know us as overweight people and
that the change in us is hard on them, too. My family is thrilled that I
lost the weight but have also made comments that I look too thin. It also
makes them look harder at themselves...I myself have placed a lot of
emphasis on how I look that maybe I am making other people more
self-conscience of how they look. Just something to consider....! You look
great whether you lose more or not! ~Kristi
— Kristi S.
June 11, 2008
Laurie,
I can sympathize with you because I have gone through the same. I have
lost 164 lbs and hear about how sickly I look from my parents and sister
all the time. I know that I am significantly thinner, but I am a normal
weight. My parents are used to seeing me as a super morbidly obese person
and were always on me for being so heavy. I think my parents would have
been perfectly happy for me to stop at a size 14. I now wear a 6. My
sister who has always been thinner than I is currently wearing my 16/18
hand-me-downs. When I offered them to her she was offended. She said they
would be too big. I told her I was not trying to insult her but if she
wanted them she was welcome to them. If not, I would take them to my WLS
support group. She did accept them and is wearing them. I do not say a
word.
My father says that I am too thin but when I bring up the fact that my
cousins (that everyone considers to be beautiful) are at least 20 lighter
and 2" tall than I am, he says, "It's different, they live in
Manhatten it's expected they will be very thin." WHAT THE HECK!!
Anyway, I have found that I take them with a grain of salt. My husband and
children are very supportive as well as my WLS support group. The WLS
support group I attend is nice, and since we have all been through similar
situations.
Keep your head high and shoulders back and know that you did what was right
for you.
— itsjust4me
June 11, 2008
Some advice for you- Live your life for YOU... not what others think of
you, and two words for your family... bite me...;)
I am kidding, really, but relax and stop worry about what others think of
you, and tell them that's how you feel if you need to... life is short,
enjoy it!
My two cents
— Jeanne Aldrich
June 11, 2008
You look great! Dont let anyone get you down to your goal weight that you
and your Dr. have decieded is a safe, healthy weight for you! Keep up the
great work and don't lose sight of your dream! Much luck to you and your
bright future :)
— Jess4me
June 11, 2008
Don't listen to them...They don't know how to feel just yet. They don't
recognize you yet. My family took a while to get used to my weight loss.
Everytime my mom saw me she tried to "fatten me up". The last
time I saw her I was at her house a month and was bloated and had gained
some weight (4 years later) And what did mom say? OH, I thought you were
getting heavy again...LOL Can't win! Well now I lost all the weight I
gained at mom's house (10 lbs) and I can't wait to hear what she has to say
when she sees me next. I never know what to expect. She's family...Gotta
keep her....but friends that treated me like that can just move on their
merry way while I make new friends that don't try to make me feel bad about
myself in any way. When my mom says silly stuff I just look at her like a
dog cocking my head from side to side with no words at all...Then she looks
at me expecting me to fight with her and I change the subject as if I were
not hearing anything she said and say "so what did you plant in the
garden this year" Or some other question completely off
subject....and it's over!
— .Anita R.
June 11, 2008
I had the same thing happen to me. My mom, dad, sister, and friends all
tell me I look "too thin", "sick", "like a
skeleton" etc. I am 145-150 lbs (now) but my heaviest weight was 286.
I am 5'8". I have evened out (I hope) and have maintained now for
around 3 months. In a size 4 or 6 depending upon the cut and still have a
few size 8's that I don't feel like I am swimming in. I was in a size
26-28. People (I think) hold on to the image of being heavy, and don't
remember ever seeing your collar bone or your checks thin so to them it's a
drastic change. There are times even I look in the mirror and am like who
the hell is this skinny bitch - and want to kick her ass - then realize -
it's me and am like - wow....there are days I don't recongize myself - it
all happened so fast. It happened so fast for everyone. I know you feel
like you are under a microscope. I felt the same way. I just smiled and
told people that I am exactly where I need to be, my surgeon, PCP and
nutrionist are very happy with my results and so am I. Thanks for your
concern, but there is no cause for concern...I am happy, healthy and living
my life - be happy for me. Most people are like - oh...OK...you are right.
congrats, you look great and that is that. if people persist (like my mom)
I had a heart to heart with her. I told her that her comments hurt me. that
I am very sensitive to the fact that I have lost a lot of weight and that I
am keepin an eye on things along with my surgeon, PCP and nutrionist. there
is no cause for concern at this point, my body just responded very well to
the surgery and I am having better results than most. I am lucky. once I
told her her comments were hurtful to me - she stopped the you're too
skinny crap and started with you are beautiful and an inspiration. in fact,
she is having the lapband done now. people can and will change if given the
opportunity and given they are educated about the process. be open. be
frank and things will change. if not, do you need these people in your
life. think about it. good luck and by the way - I THINK YOU LOOK AMAZING!
— jammerz
June 11, 2008
Laurie you look absolutely amazing and don't you forget it!!!! Trust me if
that is sick looking, count me in...I wish I looked that sick, I'd be happy
happy happy!!!!
You look wonderfully healthy and happy to me!!!!! Celebrate your
life...you're waited long enough!
— Fredricka MacLean
June 11, 2008
I think you look great and healthy. The main thing is that you are healthy.
My family is the same way. I told them that what matters is that I am happy
and healthy.
You have to love yourself and not worry so much about what people say. Tell
them thank you for your concern but my doc says everything is fine.
Best to you and keep up the great work.
— Lynnmon
June 11, 2008
Hi Laurie,
You look amazing! I don't know what's up with your family. Maybe they are
controlling, maybe they just aren't used to seeing you skinny, maybe they
don't know how to deal with the "new" you so they are
unconsciously trying to get back the "old" you. Or maybe, they
are just so used to worrying about you that they haven't quite figured out
that they can STOP now.
I've read stuff on this site and around the 'net about how your
relationships change when you lose the weight. Personally. I'm looking
forward to it because my relationships with my family have always been a
little strained. My family has always treated me like I'm the village idiot
and I'm pretty sure it's because I'm the fattest one in the room. I'm
looking forward to changing my own personality a little too. I'm pretty
tired of taking crap from some of them--from allowing them too much
influence in my life. Yes, they are always on me about my weight but they
also give really bad advice and if I followed everything they said to do,
I'd be in way worse shape than I am now.
You are the one who had the courage to have the surgery-- which if a pretty
big step, right? My advice is to summon up some more of that courage when
dealing with the unwarranted criticism. Let it roll off your back or do as
you did before--tell them you have perfectly wonderful medical care and
it's no longer their concern! Big smile when you say it!
BTW, I lived in Reno for about 12 years. Love that town! Love it, love,
love it! What's shakin? Or is it still shakin?
— Tina G.
June 12, 2008
LOL! Jealously rears its ugly head. I am in the same boat. That is why I
go strictly by the scale. My doc says I am exactly where I need to be, so
I go by the numbers to not get off track. Some days I still
"feel" fat, and some days I "feel" ok. People ask me
how much more I am going to loose; they have asked me this for 6 months now
even though I have been stable that long! :0D I really wish you would NOT
cry or be upset. You can 't live through other people and worry about them
validating you. YOU have done fantastic and WE are proud of you! Forget
them!!!
— MAG
June 12, 2008
Laurie, your beautiful and you need to tell them that and tell them how
much they are hurting you with their words. That's really all you can do.
More than likely the people who say mean things to you are just a little
jealous of your weightloss and the way you look. Sounds mean, but that
little green monster can be vicious sometimes. I think if you let them
know how hurt you are they may begin to understand how badly they have been
behaving.
— deebunny38
June 12, 2008
It's not always jealousy. I have talke w/my Dr about this as my Mom is
already discussing I ned to slow down my weight loss @ 225. Need to be
about 140. She discussed that as you lose weight and your skin starts to
sag and your face thins those close to you become concerned you are getting
too thin & sickly. Just keep reinforcing to them you need to get to a
healthy weight and what that weight is.
— Donna O.
June 12, 2008
Laurie ... welcome to the post-op world of the Negative Nellies.
Everybody's got one, and some lucky souls have an entire collection that
were only too happy to tell them they were killing themselves fat and have
now flipped to "Omigod, do you have cancer or something? You look
AWFUL!!" What is happening here (or at least this is my educated
guess) is that you've likely stopped being the chunky little doormat you
were pre-op and are gradually waking to your sense of self-worth, and this
is scaring the living hell out of everybody close to you. They can't
manipulate you or make you feel bad anymore, and they don't know how to
relate to you anymore, so what they want is for YOU to change back so they
don't feel so damned uncomfortable about what's going on with their own
selves. You are under no obligation to defend yourself for your obviously
medically-monitored changes, and you don't have to listen to it, either.
Just smile and say, "I'm so sorry you feel that way, but I'll take my
doctor's word for it that I'm healthy and managing well. If that changes,
I'll let you know." Or, "I know you feel that this wasn't the
right choice, but it was MY choice, and I would appreciate it if you could
respect that. If you can't, please keep your negative comments to
yourself, they are very distressing to me, and I KNOW that's not what you
mean to do." Put it all back on them, because, in my experience with
the Nellies in my own life, the more you defend yourself to them the more
convinced they become that THEY are right and YOU are wrong and, with
enough time and nagging, they'll have you right back to where you were
before. Courage, sister -- for this, too, shall pass. Blessings,
— Cheryl Denomy
June 12, 2008
You look so good. I dont know what you looked liek before but you look
awesome. I have the same issue. My mother especailly. Every time I see her
she says hi Skinzo. It is so aggravating. I never in my life thought I
would get mad about someone calling me skinny. My dr says I am fine. If
people understood what a BMI is they would know you are healthy. Tell them
to find out what there BMI is and they probably could stand to lose a few
themselves. Or take care of themselves better. Good job you look great
— Joanc
June 12, 2008
Laurie, first of again you are looking great. This surgery was done for you
and your sons's, so that their mother will live longer and be healthier.
Those who wish to be negative do not understand all the sacrifice you are
personally making to help yourself. I am sorry to say that this is their
ignorance, you do not need to own that. You are doing great , stay healthy.
— Ira Sansolo
June 12, 2008
Laurie:
I live in the Rio Grande Valley in Texas. It seems that the old adage of,
"Everything's BIGGER in Texas, is true. ESPECIALLY, when it comes to
the PEOPLE that live here. I suppose that people in the US have lost
perspective of what a healthy body weight really IS. My wife is a Nurse
Practitioner, and I occasionally go to the clinic where she practices. I am
a patient of TWO of her co-workers at that clinic. She has told her
co-workers of my surgery and has been bragging of my weight loss. Since
March 1, 2008; I have lost 73 pounds! This is just a little over HALF of
what I need to lose. The last time I visited the clinic, a few weeks ago,
several of my wife's co-workers congratulated my wife and I on my weight
loss and asked me how I felt now that I as DONE with my weight loss. My
wife had to explain that I was only HALFWAY done with my weight loss, and I
STILL had about 70 pounds to GO! The people looked at us with incredulity
written across their face in LARGE PRINT! They could NOT believe that I
would WANT to lose more weight! The comments that we got from these people
ALL were along the lines of, "He wants to lose MORE? Well, I think he
looks great NOW." If it wasn't for the fact that most of the
population around here gets almost NO exercise and are short, a good
PORTION of them would be good candidates to be LINEMEN for the DALLAS
COWBOYS! Many of the people that my wife WORKS with are severely
overweight! MY experience with weight loss surgery seems to have inspired
some of THEM to look into it as an option for themselves and may have
swayed some of the DOCTORS that WORK at the clinic to revise their opinion
of it as an option for their severely obese patients with severe health
problems.
I would not be overly concerned with your family's opinion of your weight.
I believe that it is colored by America's Obesity Epidemic. It is true that
it may be that some of your family members may be trying to sabotage your
weight loss by discouraging you, but the other side of that coin is that
they may indeed be truly concerned and just may be IGNORANT. The BEST cure
I have found for THAT (actually for BOTH) is an EDUCATION. If your family
is truly ignorant, then TEACHING them about where your healthy body weight
is, should allay their fears. If they are just trying to SABATAGE your
weight loss, then EDUCATING them will close the door to any discussion on
the topic (unless they want to be completely STUBBORN about the matter). If
they want to be STUBBORN, then there is nothing you can do but ignore them,
unless you want to ask them to drop the subject. You could simply tell them
that it is NOT a subject that you feel comfortable discussing with them and
ask them to NOT bring it up again. This is something that you have the
right to do. They may feel MIFFED, but YOU are feeling a bit more hurt than
THAT by their actions. Try EXPLAINING to them that their continued
discussions on a topic that you have spoken to a PROFESSIONAL about and are
under the care of that professional FOR are making you upset.
I hope this helps,
Hugh
— hubarlow
June 12, 2008
Your own opinion is far more important than what they think. Change always
stirs up echos. Buckle your belt tight, hold your head up high and
continue to live out your dream. Don't let anyone steal it. Besides, I
was dying to hear that I was skinny before surgery, why resist it now???
— bariatricdivalatina
June 17, 2008
I regret that you don't have the family support you need for this life
change. I know that must be difficult. My primary doc is speechless about
how well I'm doing after 6 1/2 of lap band. My labs are great and all is
well. I too had detractors, but they have since come in line and support me
(at least on the surface.) It sounds as though you have proven to your
family that you have a lot of inner strength and will do what it takes to
be healthy. Maybe they should examine their motives as to why they won't
support you. Pay attention to your body and to your doctor. Good luck!
— jcghall
June 19, 2008
You look great! I truly believe that people just have a hard time
adjusting to how you look now. They are so used to seeing you as a plump
person. I think the best answer is what another poster suggested...
"I feel good. I have regular checkups, and my doctor will let me know
if I'm loosing too much." Some people say things out of concern,
other times it's jealousy. You can't control other people or what they'll
say or do. This is your time to focus on yourself and be happy. (I have a
SIL who is very skinny, and she said I don't need to lose anymore. I'm
230... only 1/2 way there... but I know she's just trying to make me feel
good. I've also had other family and friends that say they didn't think I
was that big before, at 330... They get so used to seeing you in a certain
way that they only know the person and don't focus on the looks. That's my
taky anyway.) Take care and continue to focus on eating healthy and
feeling good! Kris
— gonnadoit
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