Question:
Husband asked for a divorce
I have been married 18 years. I was a 185 pounds when I met my husband and over those 18 years grew to 350 pounds. He never made a negative comment about my weight but did express concern for my health. When I started checking out gastric bypass surgery at first he was against it saying that he was afraid I wouldn't make it through surgery. But after he spoke to several people who had the surgery he said he supported me 100%. He is active Navy and left for a 6 month deployment in October 2005. I had the surgery in January 2006. I was very excited to suprise him with the new me and be able to do so many new things together that we had been talking about. In March, 4 days before my birthday he called me from overseas and told me he wanted a divorce and that he met another woman and was going to be with her. I was devastated. I have taken a downhill slide with my health and he returned back to the states April 4 and has been saying very hurtful things to me. I have moved into my own apartment and have been going to counseling but I feel like my world has fallen apart. I am not sure if I will ever know why this happened. — may31267 (posted on April 24, 2006)
April 24, 2006
Maryann my heart goes out to you. I realize how hard a divorce it as I have
been through it myself and yes there was another women. You have done a
fantastic thing for yourself by having this surgery and don't loose sight
of you goal of loosing your weight. Your husband sounds like a real 'you
know what'. You didn't say how much you have lost or if he has even seen
you. Loose that weight; get skinny and show him big time what he gave up.
That is what I am going to do to my ex. He does not know I have it done and
our daughter (age 21) is getting married in two years so when real wedding
plans start I plan to be done to my goal. I only need 30 lbs for my doctors
goal and 55 lbs for my personal goal. You can do it even though it may feel
hopeless and pointless at times please don't give up!! We are here for you.
God Bless
Laural
HW-313
SW-292
CW-185
PGW-135
— Laural D.
April 24, 2006
Update as of April 21 I have lost 70 pounds and now weigh 280. My husband
saw me for the first time since October of last year to get copies of
papers he wanted for his attorney. He did not even comment on my weight
loss. He now tells me that the other woman is a prostitute from Thailand
and that he is going to move to Thailand and spend his life with her. I am
having trouble eating since I feel like a nervous wreck. I have been adding
extra protein shakes since liquid stays down much better than solids right
now. I have informed my surgeon and family doctor about this and they have
put me on some stress and antidepressant medicines to help me cope.
— may31267
April 24, 2006
hon been there myself it's hard ,two yrs after my ex left me for 1 that i
thought was my friend i meet the man i'm with now he has showed me what a
wonerful life with a man that loves you and treats u right is..i'm so glad
that my ex left me for 1 time in my fat and sad life i'm so happy .god
bless and good luck .Brenda in tx
— brenda F.
April 24, 2006
Oh Baby girl I feel for you. You are so much more then he can ever be.I
realize that he has ripped your world apart. I have caught so much crud
from my husband since my surgery 3 years ago.After 20 years of marriage I
have become numb about his bull.I have decided to move on with me and if he
can not keep up with me that is his problem. Let him go he is not going to
change. Mine is not going to change.I have not divorced because he works
off and is gone most of the time. So I don't have to listen to except
every once in a while.He has always been very controlling and has told me
that I don't need to go to school that the job I have chose to go back to
school for I can not handle mentally or physically. I don't need to work or
go to school at my age (41) This way when he wants me to come visits I can
drop everything and go,enough about me.
YOU are better YOU can do better he is not worth your self worth.You are
beautiful before and after.I belive some marriages do not survive such a
big change in one person.This happen because he has low self esteem.This
has nothing to do with You. My husband has a meeting he has to attend every
year when we went before my liberation from my weight.He would walk off and
leave me sitting for hours by myself and talk to his co workers.Now He is
never more then 3 feet from hovering.The differance in him is madding.Now
he comments on how good looking other women are and that I need to dress
my age and not wear certain styles. It hurt when he would point out pretty
girls and how great they are. But I realize I'am better then that I 'am
worth so much more.I start school next fall to become a (EMT).I start my
job soon so I can put up money for my plastic surgery. Yes I am using him
for now. he makes great money so I can work and save for my other
surgeries.He has told me for years I was only married to him because of the
money. It did not use to be that way I did love him, but in the last year
he can say that now and he is right. I do not feel anything now.Back to YOU
I 'am proud of YOU I know YOU will do Great. Everbody has thier bad days
but they will get better. It is time to do for YOURSELF. Good Luck
Robin
— madbird
April 24, 2006
Sweetie, This is the hardest part of your new life. There is pain with
rebirth and a new life and I am glad he has not wasted anymore of your
life. I think what hurts the most are your expectations for the future
were unceremoniously dumped. The funny part is what the he(( is this guy
thinking? A prostitute? What a way to commit suicide.
You may have gone into this at 350 but you will come out a butterfly. When
this happened to me I had two kids instead of cats and I was sideswiped by
his announcement only my ex wanted to stay married and have his secretary
too. The only giggle I got out of it is dosing him with saltpeter and
listening to him moan about not being able to get it up.
Your whole life is before you and it will be what you make of it. Don't be
scared and don't give him power by feeling miserable. He obviously did you
a favor by taking his rusty b*tt out of your life. Hugs, Patricia S.
— catcat
April 24, 2006
Mary Ann, my dear. I know that you are hurting badly right now. I wish I
could reach out and hold you and make things feel better even for a little
while. I will keep you in my prayers. If I could say one thing to you
right now I would tell you that you need to care for yourself right now as
much as you would care for the creep that left you. You are precious and
lovable and you also need to continue with the protocol that the doctor has
you on. Don't let the creep decide your fate or life from here on. You
decided to have the surgery, and I guarantee you that you won't regret it
if you stick to the program. You are worth it! God bless.
— Carol M.
April 24, 2006
I'm so sorry this has happened during a time you should be celebrating a
new start in life of sorts. If it helps any, just add him to the list of
things you used to be able to have, and try and focus on the future...there
is so much out there waiting for you. I understand, and when I too had
problems I called a friend's (female) angel and asked her if relationship
probs were normal after this and when she stopped laughing she said
something like 80% of a group of girls she worked with (a group of 40
women) had either ended or were in the process of ending a long-term
relationship
post-op, because of the men. The men had either become controlling and
jealous, or left for (this is a hot one)...a large lady! This is after
some of us put up with years of them nearly driving off the road because
they spied a little size 6 hottie! So, hold your head up, keep faith that
all will happen as it should, and get on with life...it is OH SO SHORT :-)
Hugs,
Jo
— PedalSteelGirl
April 24, 2006
Mary Ann,
A prostitute?? Hopefully he catches something and his weany falls off!!
For heaven's sake, don't sleep with him. Don't know what you'll catch!
I have a different attitude about men. I didn't get married till I was 40
and had A LOT of boyfriends over the years. I'm in the same boat as J LO..
men come and go. Dogs are more loyal!!
Just think, in another year, you're going to be slim and trim and he's
going to have pencillin shots daily.
Hang in there kiddo.
Laurie
— LaurieH
April 24, 2006
Mary Ann,
A prostitute?? Hopefully he catches something and his weany falls off!!
For heaven's sake, don't sleep with him. Don't know what you'll catch!
I have a different attitude about men. I didn't get married till I was 40
and had A LOT of boyfriends over the years. I'm in the same boat as J LO..
men come and go. Dogs are more loyal!!
Just think, in another year, you're going to be slim and trim and he's
going to have pencillin shots daily.
Hang in there kiddo.
Laurie
— LaurieH
April 24, 2006
Sorry for your situation. My brother is getting divorced his soon to be X
wife was supposed to move out this weekend. I told him this and truly
believe it sometimes things have to get worse to get better. WLS gave you a
new life and your husband freed you of a couple hundred pounds of useless
weight (him) Losing the weight was the most fun I have EVER had! Theres
someone nice waiting out there for YOU!!!
— bob-haller
April 24, 2006
Mary,
Man that is horrible. I am too a military wife... and it is ashame that
happened to you. It happens so much... and YOUR husband will be sooo
sorry. You deserve so much better.. and be thankful you are rid of such a
horrible person. It may not feel like it now, but you will see you are so
much better off. Don't let him sabotage your weight loss. Keep thinking of
you and let it drive you harder to do well!!!
— MNEUMANN
April 24, 2006
Mary Ann, It sounds like you're the strong one of the two. Possibly he
found someone else because he can't handle having a wife that is slim and
attractive. Its easier to "not come home" than it is to learn to
live with the "new" relationship you two would have as you
change. I've read a lot about the risks to a marriage when we have this
surgery and change so dramatically. Especially when our spouses married us
when we were "overweight". My surgery is scheduled for May 9
2006 and while I hope my marriage lasts (be 12 years on May 7) it surely
won't if my health fails. You must look at the good you're doing for
yourself. Don't let it get you down and use your strength to get past
this, lose your weight, and make a new life. Good luck
— dinky
April 24, 2006
Oh, honey. I'm so sorry. What is he thinking? Let's review: You were
fairly slim when you married, and gained weight. Unhappy with this, you
decided to take action to lose the weight. DH, armed with this news, goes
overseas and contacts you from there with the bombshell that he's moving to
Thailand to live with a prostitute. This indicates to me a man unequipped
to live with a strong, self-loving woman who makes her own decisions and
effects change in her life. You've been through a devastating shock, and
you need to take care of yourself, but please don't let this derail you
health-wise. I don't believe this will keep you down long. You have my
support, and, from the looks of it, the support of everybody here.
— Jeanie
April 25, 2006
What a total idiot. Good, he needs to leave the country. We have enough
fools here.
Remember, God works in mysterious ways and this may be a blessing in
disguise.
You are worth so much more than he is.
Denise
— niecey
April 25, 2006
I have a friend that went on Weight Watchers and lost 130 pounds. I told
her how good she looked and her husband told me to not tell her that. I
told him if he didn't tell her himself he was going to lose her. He just
could not take it. They divorced and she remarried. She told him she was
not going to be alone. They had 4 beautiful girls and 20 years of marriage.
He just could not handle her being attractive. He survived, he did remarrie
but it didn't last. so my advice is: don't worry about him. There are many
fish in the sea and a lot of them are still good even after 40... lol Take
good care of yourself, set goals that you can meet and have lots of loving
friends around you. We are here for you! Phyllis
— Phyllis_Lee
April 25, 2006
Well, it sounds like his weinie has already fallen off!! You know where
they say most men's brains are! This hooker is marrying him for a free
ticket back to the states and he fell for it! Sure, they'll live there for
a while, have a few kids and then he'll get homesick. She get's a free
ticket to the good old USA compliments of "d--kless" exDH! Then
she'll divorce him and the kids. I'm ex-military and saw it all the time!
(please no flaming)
Continue the counseling and learn to love yourself. Go out and have a good
time. Take up a hobby you can enjoy. Make new friends or look up old ones!
This is not the time to give up. You've been given the freedom of new
body, take advantage of it.
We're all here to support you. Email me anytime. [email protected]
Becca
— Lilkonza
April 25, 2006
MaryAnn, you are in my prayers. . .it is a very difficult time for you. I
am in Franklin, VA and if you are interested, I would be happy to meet to
talk or just hang out. I had surgery in October 2005 and completely
understand the difficulties. I don't have extended family here e-mail me
directly if you are interested, [email protected].
Cathy Davison
— cdavison
April 26, 2006
I know it is probably too soon for you to feel this way, but "good
riddance to bad rubbish".
Maybe having a prostitute wife will teach him a thing or two........
Be like the woman in that new country song, "She let herself
go.........." (to Las Vegas, Honolulu, NYC, had the timeof her life!)
Our mates don't make us.......we make us.......live, love and laugh
without him. Sounds like you are better off!
— LauraA
April 26, 2006
Maryann, you started a new era on your life a new person is born with that
in mind keep your head up and walk proad, you gave him 18 years of your
life it is not easy for you and I know it will not be easy for him. He is
living now a world of fantasy. dont let this get you down and most of all
dont let this effect your health I have been in that road if you wish I
would be more than happy to talk to you any time you need some one to talk
to. I also have a son who is active in the Navy aswell and he is going
through similar situations. I will keep you in my prayers. My number and
e-mail is 908-494-0931 my e-mail is [email protected] please dont
hesitate to call or e-mail life is to precious and you deserve to life it
to the fullest and if he is giving you grief than he doen't deserve to be
with you. god bless you..
— evienicole
April 26, 2006
My heart aches for you! I, too, went through this 5 years ago after 20+
years with my ex. My advice to you is to PUT YOURSELF FIRST! Do NOT lose
weight to "make him see". He is a selfish person who is not
deserving of your love. Only YOU have the power to control what makes you
happy. Don't EVER forget that! Sit down, evaluate your life. Figure out
what you want and/or need in your life. Figure out how YOU can achieve
that. NEVER give your control to another! You have to be your own best
friend, which is very hard to do (speaking from experience!). I am finding
out that my ex leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me. He was
holding me back. I have completed my Bachelor's and am now working on my
MBA. I've been promoted a couple of times. I've raised a great son and am
raising a wonderful daughter. The most important lesson I am teaching them
is SELF RELIANCE! NEVER, NEVER, NEVER rely on another for your happiness,
for if and when you do you are sure to be disappointed. Stay strong!
You'll be ok. It's hard, but you can do it!
— treasureme1st
April 26, 2006
How awful! Girl - keep your head up and whatever you don't DONT REGRET
IT....him being gone is a BLESSING IN DISGUISE!!! First off - the woman he
now loves is a prostitute ...what goes around WILL come around - trust me!
Second...GET A LAWYER! Don't give him anything...make him fight for it! Go
for alimony if you can! Girl...stick it to him and make him WISH you were
his again....then go get yourself a young stud and move on with your
life!!! :)
— vampyrekiss
April 26, 2006
Hey MaryAnn, I know this is a terrible time for you and for that I am so
sorry. You just keep your head up and do what is right for you. Keeping
yourself healthy is the most important thing. There is simply no excuse for
what your husband has done. My ex-husband was also in the military and
when he was separated he was in Twenty-nine Palms CA. Well, I had been
living with my mom and had a 24 foot U Haul and three kids packed and ready
to leave for Texas, which was home. Well, early in the morning on the day
we were to leave, I received a call. It was around 4:00 in the morning.
The voice on the other end of the line said "Hi, this is ******'s
girlfriend. I was shocked beyond belief. I had stuck with this man
through everything, and he did this to me. I know how much it hurts,
especially when you are totally NOT expecting it. Well, I decided then and
there that nobody is worth that kind of hurt, and I stayed where I was.
Gurly, you WILL survive this. Someone who would do this is not worth
losing your health over. It is hard to know why these things happen to us,
but if you are a faithful person, then you must know that it is for a
reason, even if you can't understand at this point. Ignore the hateful
comments-he is just trying to make himself feel better. There is a lot of
support here if you need it! Take care of Yourself, Sue
— suzi s
April 26, 2006
Like SOOO many others have already told you...don't let this pain you're
experiencing right now keep YOU from your goal!!! I was a military wife
once and I'm so glad my husband left me when I was just beginning to gain
weight. You would think I weighed 1,000 lbs. the way he acted towards me.
He left with another woman and I continued to gain until I became
obese...In the meantime, after raising two daughters on my own, an old
friend reentered my life and we've been happily married ever since. I'm SO
thankful that the first was obsessed with weight!!! Hang in there; you WILL
be ok and you will find someone else, or he'll find you, some day! Don't
give up now!!! Patricia in Tirana
— zoeysgrami
April 28, 2006
UPDATE:APRIL 28,2006. I wanted everyone to know how much I appreciate all
the responses I received. It has really helped me to move on. I am doing
much better now and have been going out with coworkers to movies, bowling
and have begun to have a social life. My husband has been calling and
leaving messages since I refuse to return his calls. It appears that he has
not yet filed for separation papers but actually expects me to file them.
He also has left messages complaining that he can't get into the barracks
because he is an E6 and hasn't filed for separation and now he has to
continue to pay all the bills at our old address where he is staying. He
blames me for this because I moved out into my own place. I think this is
ironic since he is the one that made it clear that is was over between us
and I moved into a cheaper place that I could afford and now he is upset. I
told my counselor that part of me will always care about him but I will
never be able to trust him again or have a relationship with him. I have
made up my mind to move on and take care of me and my health and my two
cats who love me unconditionally. Once again, thank you all very much for
your support, I really needed it and wish all the best for all of you in
your futures. Mary Ann Youngbloom
— may31267
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