Question:
Give me strength!!
I have to share. Something happened last night that still has me hopping mad. To make an extremely long story short my Dad died a couple years ago and I inherited my Mom who now lives with me. I truely believe she has "weight losss envy." She has been following the presurgy diet I was on and has lost some weight, but since my surgery in November I have begun to surpass her on the losing side of things ( I try to not even bring my loss up in front of her). Now about the hopping mad part....she actually actually accused me of taking the easy way out!!! I saw red and an argument ensued. She did appologize, but I don't think I will ever get over that. I will always know that's what she really thinks. Am I being to sensitive? Has anyone else ran into this with someone they are close to? I thought she was my biggest fan, now I feel so betrayed.-Heather — tazthewiz23 (posted on January 10, 2006)
January 10, 2006
Heather, you are not alone. My mother is doing the same thing! She is even
trying to buy more expensive brands of food over my generic ones.
Now, we both know we had to do what we had to do, and it is hereditary.
Just look at our mamas. What I am trying to say is if we could have lost
the weight on our own power, don't you think we would have? It looks like
your mother is finding out that it is not that easy.
Easy way out? I cannot see a life-altering surgery as the "easy way
out." Especially since we did it to save our lives.
Hang in there, Heather. You are not alone with the
"I-am-jealous-of-my-daughter-syndrome."
Besides, I am proud of your accomplishments. Extremely proud.
Kathy
— kathyhartwell
January 10, 2006
Heather,
I have dealt with the same issues but I have to be honest with you, this is
something you will have to get over. Right now your mother is hurt because
prior to you losing the weight she had someone to identify with. Now she is
hurt because your getting smaller at a much faster rate than she is and to
be honest it has her jealous. When jealousy grabs us we say and do things
that we otherwise would not have and parents are not exempt. She simply
used the "easy way out" trump card and it had just the effect she
expected.
As for saying you will never get over it, that is extreme especially since
your relationship as mother and daughter is not built on how large or small
you are. Some things you have to let roll off of your back and in the end
she will apologize for her statement and admit to the struggles that she
sees you going through. People get stubborn and jealous and sometimes you
simply have to be the bigger person (no pun intended). I truly hope this
helps.
Tiffany
— Tiff's On a Mission
January 10, 2006
your not going to like my answer, but its a mans view, ok,, I dont under
stand women, who cares "easy" "betrayed" , you girls
deffinitely get your shorts buched up over some silly things.
"inherited YOUR mom," If my daughter ever refers to her
relationship to her mom that way, she will be sorry her dad thats me heard
of it. I guest on MARS we wear glasses of a different clarity.
— walter A.
January 10, 2006
Doesn't it suck? My sister and a friend were the same way. Although they
knew this was literally a life-saving surgery for me...as soon as they saw
me start to lose weight they started talking about having the surgery (even
w/o comorbidities) because they thought it was the easy way out. I sent my
sister to my profile and after reading a day-by-day blow of what it was
like and what I had to go through I think she is still a little on the
jealous side but she is now "pro-surgery" only if it is
absolutely necessary and a life-saver. Whenever anyone asks me about
it...I give them the link to this site and my profile. No sugar-coating
here.
— boonikki29
January 10, 2006
I hear Hints of this a lot, but one day I was watching one of those judge
shows...it was a black woman judge and the plaintiff was a woman whose
husband had left her because of her weight gain. The defendant had a new
girl friend who had lost weight through wls. The judge actually said that
she had taken the easy way out. I am sure that my mouth dropped open. I
could not believe she said that and now I am waiting to find out her name
so that I can inform her of the true facts.
— Carol M.
January 10, 2006
Heather -
We all know it isnt the easy way out. I get people telling me I cheated for
having the surgery and I said yes your right "I CHEATED DEATH"
Moms have a funny way of showing support, and especially when they are
jealous. Just hang in there and keep up the great work... Live for
yourself... Tamara
— LadyNRed1973
January 10, 2006
— ELIZABETH C.
January 10, 2006
Unfortunately, amny people belive that. WE know how difficult it is to
lose weight, since we still have to work at it, as well as deal with the
surgery itself. there is nothing easy about it!
As much as it hurts, just turn a deaf ear. All you can do is hope that she
will see what you are going through. The anger only hurts you.
I find that when someone hurts me, the best thing to do is to be sweet and
nice to them. That will help more than ragging on her.
— Novashannon
January 10, 2006
Our relationships with our mothers can be the most difficult ones in life!
My mother has always minimalized any success I have with weight loss. When
I lost 106 pounds she just told me "you'll gain it back" and when
I did gain it back due to inactivity after my hip replacement and knees
failing me she basically said "I told you..." Now she's been
losing a few pounds by working out at the pool and trying to eat less and
my nose is getting raw from how much it's been rubbed in her success!!!
When she found out I'm trying to get WLS she just said "Well, if you
think that's what you have to do..." and left it hanging there, then
started bragging about how she can lose weight without having her insides
rearranged. When it comes to issues with moms, you are not alone. It
seems we're mostly just bigger babies still wanting Mommy's approval and
love! I'll be praying for you. ~Anna
— Mechana7
January 10, 2006
Let me stir up everyone here by making a bold statement. Hell yes - we did
take the "easy" way out. Now, before everyone has a cow, let's
look at this logically. It *is* easier than what we struggled with before.
Otherwise we wouldn't have resorted to it. Harder in that we had to fight
with ourselves over the decision...taking the risks, etc. But easier in
that we sought help with the struggle we were having and admitted that we
needed help. Easier physically but harder emotionally. So what? What is
the problem with admitting that our problems are too big for us to conquer
on our own? Since when is it shameful to need help with a problem? So
yes, to your mom - she is jealous and trying to do it the hard way. She is
human and although it hurt you, she spoke out of frustration. Give to her
that the physical help has made it easier for you to attain your goal, but
that it was harder to make the decision knowing you would have to face such
critics, and also knowing that you had to take a risk to get the benefit.
Sit down and talk to her openly and tell her that the comment was hurtful,
and come to a point where you explain to her that while it has been easier
in one way, it was very hard in another. Swallowing your pride and taking
this step is huge. Put it to her this way: How much pride would she have
to swallow to have wls and give credit to the surgery and not herself. And
why would it be different for you? So you had to go to a point emotionally
that she is not ready for. You swallowed your pride and admitted you
couldn't do it alone and needed help. That's harder than anything, in my
opinion. Personally I do not think we should minimize what this surgery
does for us by protesting so vehemently that we didn't take the easy way
out. It's not that black and white. Easier in one way, harder in another.
If we start to become frank with this, people may just stop throwing out
that easy insult.
— Dinka Doo
January 10, 2006
Heather, I heard something one time that has really stuck with me. If you
were in the middle of the ocean drowning and someone pulled up in a boat
and threw you a lifeline, would you take it or would you say "NO,
that's cheating"! That's exactly the way we were. We were drowning
in our weight and God and our bariatric surgeon offered us help, and we
took it! Morbid obesity is a disease and having gastric bypass surgery is
not any different than having a heart bypass when you have an artery
blocked! It's not the easy way out! Only the ones that have been through
this know the sacrifice and struggles that go with it. Hang in there and
love your mom for who she is! Sometimes it's best just to "turn the
other cheek"! Tina
— targo
January 10, 2006
OOOwww and I thought I was the only one. At 11 I weighed 215. My mom said
don't do this. Dead set against it. The weekend before my surgery she
called and talked and said if this is what it takes ok. Came home from the
hospital and she called and started talking about the all you can eat
places we had not been to yet. It was as if I had never went into the
hospital. I pray she gets over it. Yes she has a weight problem and I was
the only one left that would still go pig out with her. The rest of her
friends started to eat right. I have had 4 hip replacements two knee, she
hasn't had any of this. So for me I do this. Not her. Stick to your own
mind
— pettykash
January 11, 2006
Thanks everyone for your words of wisdom. I am glad Iam not alone here! As
for dear Walter I hope all is well on Mars. On Venus at age 27 and having
your Mom come to live with you, it tends to dampen several aspects of my
personal and social life. Blessings to all.-Heather
— tazthewiz23
January 11, 2006
My step mom used to rip on me about my weight, I see them once a year, and
a real pain. one time she backfilled my room and ALL she talked about my
entire visit was weight watchers
:( She was REALLY OFFENSIVE! Fast forward a few years, I had WLS and was
down a 100 pounds, she said it wasnt necessary:( Geez find a solution that
worked for ME, saved my life and she still wasnt happy. Incidently over the
last few years the entire clan have gotten heavier, some dramatically so.
Its very sad the usual co morbidities are causing them great troubles.
Still she says WLS is bad. SOME PEOPLE! I am glad to only visit yearly at
most.....
— bob-haller
January 11, 2006
now first let me say that i am scheduled for surgery feb 7 2006 so i can
not strictly relate to those of you who are on the other side of surgery
but i can tell you that as a self pay person this has been the most
harrowing thing that i have been thru, refinancing my house, the doc.
appt.the lost time at work the 1-1/2 hr drive every thurs to the town where
i'm scheduled for the surgery i tell you that i broke down crying from the
stress of all this piled on me. sleep ? whats that tension headache ?those
i can tell you all about!!!!! the only thing that kept from pulling the
plug on this is the lady who is doing my refi (a wls recipient herself)
EASY WAY OUT I THINK NOT!!!!!!!!!!! you are a brave and caring person to
take in your mom my mom is my best freind and i love her to pcs,but she
wouldn't want to live with me AND I WOULDN'T WANT HER TO EITHER when and
if the time comes she is always welcome to my home she knows this and i
know this. is there some reason your mom can't live on her own thought
of assisted living? god bless and keep you donna
— donna m
January 12, 2006
I believe that the way we react to the "easy way out" statement
reflects more on us than on the person who made the statement in the first
place. That statement has never bothered me and it always bemuses me to
see folks get so worked up over it. Damn right it's easier. Who says we
have to always be martyrs and do things the hardest possible way? Makes
me wonder how much guilt enters into it. Walter had a point .. I never
hear men raving over this issue. Maybe, as women, we are used to doing
everything for everybody else and the instant we do something for
ourselves, if someone labels it "taking the easy way", we get
defensive. Me, I say, why does that person get a vote in how you live your
life, the decisions you make, or, most especially, in the way you feel
about yourself? If it happens again, take a deep breath, look the speaker
in the eye and say, "Yeah. And?" Repeat as necessary. That
ought to diffuse the situation with no hard feelings. No one can make you
feel inferior you without your permission; remember that.
— Jeanie
January 13, 2006
First of all I just cant imagine referring to my mom as
"inherited"! This may be the first part of the whole
problem...And you did this for yourself....Does it really matter what
anyone else thinks or says?! Good Luck!
— momsluv2
January 28, 2006
I'm not sure of your living/financial arrangements with your Mom, but if
it's your house and you pay the bills. it's time to tell Mom either she can
be supportive or think of a new living situation.Why is Mom not living on
her own? It may be time for tough-love with Mom, her negativity unchecked
will eventually sabotage your weight loss efforts. I've run into this with
friends and family, the only solution was for me to phase them out of my
life. I had to put my physcial and emotional health first.
— goldroses
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