Question:
Any Post-ops experiencing divorce concerns?
My husband and I have been together 10yrs. married 5. He met me when I was 18 and a size 24-26. Two yrs. after my surgry, I'm a size 4-5. I'm beginning to think at the age of 28 I now want to find out who I am and what makes me happy instead of FOOD. We are on the virge of a divorce and have 2 boys, 7yrs & 3 1/2yrs. old. Please help???? — BRANDI C. (posted on November 30, 2004)
November 30, 2004
One and half years after my surgery (150 pounds lighter)my hubby left me.
We have been divorced almost 2 years now and I still don't have a clue why
he left. We were married 10 years and they were wonderful years. What made
him get crazy I don't know, and don't care now,I am healthier and more
content with myself. Altho no children were involved and made it a lot
simplier to part.
I don't know what your personal reasons are, but please think about those
wonderful children you have, and that they need both parents happy and now
healthy. If you could look into the future, what would it take to make you
happy? My guess is that you both have raised two functional boys with
family values. Do some soul searching and TALKING. I wish you the best, and
congratulations on your weight loss. Keep focused.
— m911girl
November 30, 2004
Brandi--please, please get some marital counseling. if you can't afford it,
most all churches offer free counseling. it is not at all uncommon for
marriages to be strained during this time--extreme weight lose has many
effects on people--the spouse may feel insecure now that their partner is
looking and feeling so good--thinking they won't be good enough for them.
one might perceive a power shift. and whether or not people like to admit
it, when one looses alot of weight, they are very differernt people. there
will be an adjustment period, and maybe professional help can facilitate
that (can you tell I am a therapist? :)
good luck to you, and if for no other reason, do this for your kids. I
see kids daily in therapy suffering so much due to their parents splitting
up--its so sad, and often preventable, although kids may adapt to it, they
never get over it. if you need more help, just ask.
Jessica
— jessicamegan
November 30, 2004
Congrats on your weightloss! I encourage you to do what it takes to keep
your marriage going! Until your boys are grown your main focus has to be
on them. You chose to bring them into this world, so your responsibility
has to be to them. They need not only their dad but an intact family. You
& your husband are their only foundation & security. Right now
your happiness has to be secondary to their needs. Think about the future.
You don't want to be at the end of your life with regrets. I've been where
you are. The only thing that will make me truly happy is being the best
mom I can be to my kids. Working on my marriage is one way I can make sure
this happens! Blessings to you & your family Brandi!
— fowlerloriann
November 30, 2004
I agree with the previous posters that you should think about marital
counseling and I think even individual counseling for yourself. If you've
been overweight all of your life or at least a good majority of it, you are
NOT the same person as you were before surgery. Different worlds are
opened up to you and my guess is your now probably seeing that. It takes
time to get adjusted to the "new body" that you have and all the
attention that your now getting. However, after counseling, if you truly
are unhappy, you shouldn't stay in a marriage for the children. All your
going to do is show them what an unhappy relationship is and they will
probably think that is normal. It's better for people to be divorced and
be happy for their kids sake rather then to stay in an unhappy marriage for
the kids just to be "a family".
— Patty H.
December 1, 2004
I would also recommend counseling for both of you, before making any final
decisions. As a divorced mom, I can tell you that if I had known then
(when I divorced my hubby) what I know now about how divorce affects
children, I may have reconsidered the whole thing. On the other hand, my
sister and her husband have lived in an unhappy marriage, staying together
for the sake of their kids, who are now grown. Let me tell you those kids
have some problems which I feel can be directly attributed to living in a
dysfunctional and unhappy home. So staying together for the children
doesn't always work either, unless you're committed to working on the
marriage and making it the best it can be. Good luck to you.
— Carlita
December 2, 2004
Dear Brandi,
I am 3 yrs original post-op and revision since Feb 04. I have lost almost
200 lbs altogether. I want to ask you a question. Do you feel that he is
not on the same page as you are in life in general? Most likely HE is no
different than he ever was, most likely it is YOU that has changed your
viewpoint. My sister is experiencing that exact thing. She married a man
who she loved and she and he seemed happy as clams (for the most part)for
25 years until 2 years ago when she had WLS. She lost 150+ lbs and now is
full of energy and life. He is a bit older than her (15yrs) and is still
happy as a clam to sit at home and watch TV and play computer games. My
point is HE hasn't changed. Since her outlook has changed she now finds
herself mad at him because he hasn't changed with her. He isn't overweight
and never minded that she was but now she wants more life in her life and
that is understandable however how can you turn your back on one who stuck
by you litterally through thick and thin. I too struggle with wanting more
out of life now that I am thinner and I find that by my husband and I
attending church regularly it helps keep me focused on what is most
important, family. I hope and pray you will take a long honest look at
where your problems are coming from and that you seek God's wisdom in your
decision making. I do not beleive God wants to see your marriage break up
but by the same token I do not beleive God wants anyone to be unhappy. I'll
keep you in my prayers. Sandra
— Gr8full2God
December 2, 2004
if you can't remember why you married this man and if your own needs are
seemingly more important than his, then i hope you'll remember the children
and the vows you exchanged before god. you can try a therapist but all you
really need is a change of heart instead. do for him, do for them and in
the process you will do for yourself. lead by example and don't give up
until you have what you want.
— martyp
December 2, 2004
I don't know what makes me think that I am an expert on this... I am pre-op
but I have been married for 26 years... I think what has happened is
that the surgical patient has a whole new lease on life, and the spouse is
unchanged. As someone who has weathered other marital changes (kids, kids
leaving the nest...) my advice would be to weather the change with some
counseling. Good Luck. Y
— yvonne1953
December 2, 2004
Is he MO? Where just one member of a couple loose the weight, thats tough
— bob-haller
December 18, 2004
I didn't have the best of a marriage when I was overweight, so after the
surgery, the issue of my weight wasn't the defining factor of the divorce,
however, it did play a part. It's very difficult to go through the changes
and a lot of relationships, unless you are truly devoted to each other,
just don't make it. I think that a lot of us when we are overweight
"settle" for someone that we think will accept us, and when the
weight is gone and there are other options, you wonder what "could be
out there", it's very difficult.
— sheri H.
December 19, 2004
One thing that I'll mention...I left my husband in July of this year for
the same reasons you metioned. I too thought, like some of the other
posters..that I "owed it to him because he had stuck by me". And
you know what I eventually decided (with the help of my therapist)? I
decided that he hadn't "stuck" with me, that makes it sound like
he was serving a prision sentence by being married to me, we were happy at
one time, we just grew apart. So, did I think I owed him? NOT for
"sticking by me"..In the end I decided I needed to see what made
me happy..life is too short. Surprisingly, my husband understands this.
Good luck! If you need to talk..just e-mail me!
— Sungurl B.
December 22, 2004
Hi, I am 3 1/2 years post op, and as soon as I got down to a normal size,
my husband started acting weird, accusing me of all sorts of things,
cheating, not loving him, thinking to much of myself, etc, so last year
around Thanksgiving he picked up with a very MO women and left me for her.
We are now divorced and he is still with her. Some people have very low
self esteem, and when yours goes through the roof, they can't handle it.
— Carey N.
Click Here to Return