Question:
HOW DO I LET MY SISTER KNHOW TO REACT TO NEGATIVE COMMENTS
MY SISTER IS FOREVER CALLING ME SAYING, "DID YOU SEE CARNEY WILSON? YOU CAN'T TELL ME SHE HASN'T GAINED BACK 20 OR 30 LBS! OR "YOU KNOW 1 OUT OF 4 PEOPLE ARE NOT SUCCESSFUL AT KEEPING THEIR WEIGHT OFF!" HOW ABOUT, "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU RESORTED TO SELF MUTILIZATION TO LOSE WEIGHT!" MY SISTER LOST 100 LBS ABOUT 10 YEARS AGO AND HAS KEPT IT OFF. SHE IS SO NEGATIVE, I TRY TO AVOID THIS SUBJECT! HOW CAN I GET HER TO LAY OFF WITHOUT BEING TOO BRUTAL? CONNIE SWEDBERG — CONNIESWED (posted on July 16, 2003)
July 16, 2003
Connie, if your sister is being that brutal to you, it's time to get brutal
with her. Remind her it was your choice not hers, if she doesn't like it it
is her problem to cope with it. Then tell her flat out not to be so rude or
you will have to refrain from talking to her. Next time she gets nasty on
the phone giver her one warning, then hang up. I have a close friend who
was like that for a while, I hung up on her once, she decided our
friendship was too important, called and apologized and she doesn't get
nasty about it anymore.
— M B.
July 16, 2003
Hi connie, I agree with the other post no friend nor family member has a
right to treat you like that! This is your decision and just because she
was able to lose weight ten years ago and keep it off doesn't mean
everyone's body is the same as hers. I have a sister that is skinny and she
was nothing but supportive of my decsion cuz she knew what I was going thru
and I educated her about this surgery and she thought it was the best
decision for me. And on the other hand my mom didn't at first, and made a
few negative comments towards me like how could you leave your children if
something happens, well alls I could tell her is I was going to leave them
if I didn't have this surgery cuz my health was already going down the
dumps! So, then I educated her alittle more and she finally understood that
this is what I needed to do for myself and my children to live! And, now
she is looking into having this done. Alls i can tellyou to do is if your
sister cannot be supportive of you and keeps on making negative comments,
then tell her nicely to leave you alone, and if tht doesn't work then let
her have it! And tell her not ot talk to you until she can grow up and be
nice, cuz this is your decision and your life and you want ot be able to
live normally again, and not everyone can be like her and just lose the
weight and keep it off some of us hae to have this surgery to be able to
live normally agian! Good Luck to You! I also say if she doesn't want ot
listen then have her come to this website and talk to us, we here will al
educate her! Take care!
— Melodee S.
July 16, 2003
Well I defintitely sympathize with you my family went so far as to say the
surgery is a disgrace and an insult to them because they are doing their
dieting the "the hard way" ....so this is my advice: ...SCREW
HER! sorry, I hope your not offended...HONESTLY, right now is the most
precious, memorable, life-changing time in your life and you NEED support
not criticism!!!!!
I told my family they may not see me in the hospital or at any time during
my healing if they continue to be negative, cruel, and unsupportive...you
need good energy for this huge step ....as far as being to cruel DON"T
WORRY you would only be asking them to stay away while you are getting
better and healing....They wouldn't speak to youso destructively if you
were going in for heart surgery to save your life would they? ...your doing
this for your life....Best wished and BE STRONG ;)....
— E. V.
July 16, 2003
Well I defintitely sympathize with you my family went so far as to say the
surgery is a disgrace and an insult to them because they are doing their
dieting the "the hard way" ....so this is my advice: ...SCREW
HER! sorry, I hope your not offended...HONESTLY, right now is the most
precious, memorable, life-changing time in your life and you NEED support
not criticism!!!!!
I told my family they may not see me in the hospital or at any time during
my healing if they continue to be negative, cruel, and unsupportive...you
need good energy for this huge step ....as far as being to cruel DON"T
WORRY you would only be asking them to stay away while you are getting
better and healing....They wouldn't speak to youso destructively if you
were going in for heart surgery to save your life would they? ...your doing
this for your life....Best wished and BE STRONG ;)....
— E. V.
July 16, 2003
Geez, I hate her already! (jk):) I would tell her "OK! You're NOT an
expert!" "From now on if all you can say is negative thing and
not be supportive, then don't call me." Keep your comments to
yourself because this is what my doctor and I have decided is best for ME.
Good Luck!
— ZZ S.
July 16, 2003
My step mom is like this, I just ignore her. Just about the only
unsupportive person I know. Sounds like she is actively discuraging others
in your group from considering surgery. Thats my step moms issue. I have
other MO family members who would benefit greatly from surgery.
— bob-haller
July 16, 2003
I have found that the only way to deal with family members who harp on
something important, in a negative way, is to let them know that I just
don't want to discuss the topic with them anymore. You can expect bucking
and argument when you explain why, but it's enough to say you've glad she
was successful in losing and maintaining her weight, but you've thought
long and hard about what's right for you, and you've made your decision,
and that's that. And if she continues to comment or question it, tell her
you don't want to discuss it; if she continues, tell her you will hang up
or walk out if she doesn't drop it; if she doesn't drop it, hang up or walk
out without further argument or discussion (if at all possible).
"Lather, rinse, repeat," if necessary, without expanding the
fight into any other areas. This finally worked on one relative of mine
who incessantly criticized another, and he rarely does it anymore because I
did, indeed, walk out of dinner, or wherever we were, if he wouldn't knock
it off. Good luck, though ....
— Suzy C.
July 16, 2003
Have you tried just telling her how it makes you feel when she makes
comments like that? Sometimes the ones we love are just oblivious that
what they say, and how they say it, even if the intent is good, can hurt
our feelings and it is especially hurtful to us when it comes from someone
we care about. So be honest with your sister-tell her very calmly how
proud you are that she was able to lose that weight and keep it off, but
that only 5% of the population is able to do so, and you were not one of
the 5%. Ask her to refrain from any future negative comments, and ask for
her support and positive comments towards your future health and well
being. If this type of heart to heart does not work with her, then you have
to make the decision to avoid her, and tell her why you are doing so.
Otherwise, to continue to allow her to throw negativity your way, will only
hurt your self-esteem and the relationship.
— Cindy R.
July 16, 2003
Everyone that gets to annoying with their negativity and questions, I
politely refer to this website. If they bring it up again, I ask, did you
check out the web site? The answer is usually 'uh, I have been meaning
to..." yeah, okay. Another suggestion is to offer to take them to a
support group meeting with you. I can just about bet your sister wouldn't
go, but that takes the focus off of you, and puts it back on her. You are
doing what YOU need to do for YOUR life, and if that isn't something she
want's to support, tell her to get informed, or get a life of her own, and
quit harping on yours. The way you describe her attitude, it reminds me of
an Alcoholic that isn't drinking, but isn't addressing the source of their
problem, or living a real sober life. They call that a dry drunk. So,
sorry, but I call people like your sister a "Dry Fat". If she
really remembered the strife that it took to lose that 100lbs, then she may
have a different attitude with you. I say, what ever it takes for us to
claim our lives! Good luck to you.
— TameraD
July 16, 2003
Hardly self mutilation- as we need the actual Surgeon to perform surgery.
Had we been able to self-mutilate all by ourselves, I would have done this
years ago. Is getting one's tubes tied self-mutilation as well? That is a
procedure where you are altered, in order not to have children. I guess I
am trying to say that there are MANY (her definition) self mutilation
surgeries out there- why is yours "wrong" but others are
acceptable? Print this Q&A out and mail it to her. If she TRULY cares
about you, is worried about the surgery- she will come here and we welcome
her with open arms to ask whatever questions (albeit nicely) she may have.
Otherwise if she DOESN'T (and still forces her ill-conceived opinions on
you) it just proves she is wrapped up in her own ignorance regarding this
procedure and chooses not to get educated. I simply would not invest so
much time in people like this.
— Karen R.
July 16, 2003
Ok, so since when is your sister an 'expert'? Is she a Dr.? Done extensive
research on this? I doubt it! I agree with the other poster who said, Screw
her! Thats great that she lost her wieght 'the hard way'. She is in the 5%
that can keep it off. Bully for her! We are of the other 95% who can't lose
it/keep it off no matter what we try. I doubt taking her to a support group
would help. I would just tell her off and say, "Its my decision and if
you don't agree, thats fine.But I will not sit and listen to your
unsupportive negativity any longer. I'm having it with or without your
support. Subject closed." If she starts in, hang up on her! Its your
decision, not hers. Yes, it would be nice if she would be supportive but
she probably never will be. I'll bet she feels a little 'competition' now?
Center of attention on her wieghtloss will be gone? Who knows... Just don't
listen to it anymore. Now is the time you need support and you can get it
from us and your other friends and family. Good luck!
— Kris T.
July 16, 2003
Hmm. Connie, it sounds as if you're sister is petrified because she will
no longer be "the skinny one". You could keep it simple and say
something like "look, sis, you did it your way, I'm doing it MY
WAY!" (You could even start singing the song to lighten things up a
bit!). Good luck! (BTW, I think Carnie still looks great! Check her out
in the August playboy. Yeah, her scars and stretch marks were probably
airbrushed out but....she gained 20 or 30 lbs? No way!)
— Joyce C.
July 16, 2003
— Denise W.
July 16, 2003
Gahhh... I can't STAND people like that! I just blow them off... say,
"I understand" and turn away. It is the only way I have found to
turn it off is to not react. Good Luck... this is really a hard thing to
deal with! You WILL make it though! :~)
— Sharon M. B.
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