Question:
Is it normal not to want to share the fact that you are going to have surgery ?

I dont really want to share the fact that Im having bariatric surgery with my family and friends as I dont think they will be supportive. Is this normal ? How much support will I need post op ? Tracy — Tracy K. (posted on January 18, 2008)

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January 17, 2008
I think I would have had a tough time po-op if I had not had the support of my family and freinds. A few family members were not supportative at first and felt I was making a mistake, but the saw the results and came over to my side. This is major surgery and you need their support at the hospital and with the change in you life activities and eating habits. Don't try to do it alone. It is a tough road for the first 4 weeks and they will make the difference and their support will be there foir you.
— William (Bill) wmil

January 17, 2008
Preop , only your spouse and closest people need to know, But post op is different! No way to hide a 100 pound fast loss. Trying to cover it up can lead to gossip of cancer, AIDS, or other killer diseases. WLS is NOTHING to be ashamed of!! Wear it as a proud decision to improve your life. Even those who try to cover it up arent fooling anyone but themselves, ever have dinner with a new post op? No normal person can eat like that!! Just be honest, its far easier, and the knowledge may help someone else
— bob-haller

January 17, 2008
I think it depends on the person's support system. I did share with my family, as I needed their support, & they were supportive....but I waited until after having my surgery to share with my in-laws. They're an argumentative bunch, so I thought it best to do it, then tell. It worked out well and they too were supportive when I explained that I needed to do this for my health. I have two friends that aren't being as supportive as I had hoped. One that has a weight problem and has always gotten jealous over anyone losing weight, and the other is just too busy to be a true friend when you need her to be. So, in therapy, I came to the conclusion that I needed to find new friends that would be supportive. Sometimes those come through websites such as this, or through your support groups. Go to your support groups. You'll find it's much easier to deal with the feelings you're having about sharing your surgery story. Also, I don't think you have to tell people at work, or your employer should you not want to. I've read people on here have said they just said they had to have some abdominal surgery. Usually with that kind of surgery, intestinal, etc. you'd have to eat differently anyway. It's a personal choice, and once you're comfortable with the new you, share, or not share. There's nothing wrong with you for feeling this way. As for support..... you do need it. Sometimes though, as I said, you may need to get it via a support group rather than your family and friends. Seek it out, it is very helpful. Good luck and lotsa hugs! Cheryl You have my support!!!
— Cheryl K.

January 17, 2008
My best lifelong friend tried his best to scare me out of surgery:( It was hard he is a moral compass, kinda a adopted dad. After surgery and seeing my success he became my biggest supporter, and even advocated his daughter having WLS.
— bob-haller

January 17, 2008
Hi Tracy. Your profile states that your surgery was was set for last Monday. Did your date get changed or did you already have it? To answer your question, I didnt' tell anyone but a close friend and my husband. It was really hard telling my husband my fears and shame over my weight...he says I've always been beautiful to him. But as I started to share my feelings he saw how unhappy in this portion of my life I'd been. I still don't think he udnerstand everything but he did support me. It's a major step to take on alone and I'd think pretty hard to keep from everyone. I mean, eventually your husband is going to wonder why you're not eating, or directly after the surgery, why you're feeling the way you do. Now that I'm rereading this, I see that it doesn't say you're married, so it my be possible to keep it to yourself. While it certainly helps to have a support person if you're strong within yourself then you can do it. I know a couple of people who've had it but never said so and I still give them a lot of credit for doing what is a very hard thing to get the weight off. Good luck. I had my surgery on Monday. I'm home and doing pretty well. Up until last night I had major bloating and felt pretty miserable. The shakes are going pretty well. I can get almost all my protein into one 16-oz shake (2 scoops of EAS powder, 1 cup milk and 1 yogurt blended is 55 grams). That leave me to concentrate on water and a few carbs for the rest of the day. I"ll usually pick up a few more proteins along the way. I have my chewable vitamins and I'm feeling pretty good about my nutrition. Probably better than when I was eating regularly. And it doesn't take me all day either Hope this helps. Chris
— cjjordan

January 17, 2008
I didn't address the second part of your question. Everyone is different in terms of how they're feeling upon the return home. If I hadn't been so bloated (I weighed 10 pounds more than when I got the surgery) I know I'd have felt better. But I think there is always a little fear upon leaving the hospital in the shape of "am I going to be okay?". Having someone at home is a big or at least someone you can call is a big help here. Also, you can't drive yourself home from the hospital.
— cjjordan

January 17, 2008
hi Tracey, for me, my answer would be "No" to the fact, if this is how you feel, then do what you think is right. but i will say, i lost my parents at a very young age, and im now 48 and i went into this surgery for me. not my husband, not for my friends, but for me.. yes its true, its a big decision to make, and i havent found being on this path has been easy. but its also true, there are all of us, who will help support you, and your decision. i have made alot of new friends here, and some i feel like i have known my whole life. they are one big family to me. and then i guess there would be the other side of me, that would make me want to share with them. i dont think it was just post-op i needed support with, i felt this whole journey i would need someone beside me. its not an easy decision, and others dont go through what you will be, but it is nice to know that you have somebody when you need them, and even if you dont......i wish you the best of luck in your decision...congrats to you for wanting w/l surgery.....
— kimcrain

January 17, 2008
You will need someone at home with you probably for like a week or so depending on how much you weigh, the layout of your home, if you're up and moving...I told my mother, brothers, and one aunt. I didn't tell all of my friends because I didn't want the wave of communication following my release. I did send an email to people saying I was starting a new life for myself and I would appreciate a prayer. WLS is a personal decision and you shouldn't feel compelled to tell the entire world. You need to keep the focus on yourself until you're feeling stronger...once you feel stronger then you can go from there. As far as the weight loss, my g/f who had it on the same day as me (divine order) simply told people she was under the doc's care in a special weight loss program. No one at her work 3 years post op has no idea she had the surgery and she's going to keep it that way. Certain members of my family still don't know because they wouldn't have been supportive and I didn't need any negative vibes coming my way. Good luck with your decision of discussing it or not however don't try and do it all by yourself.
— Ambitious

January 17, 2008
You'll need all the support you can find after surgery. Depression, upset stomach, difficulty swallowing, taste bud changes, etc. all are possiblities. Unless you have a good support group among your close family, things will be more difficult. I would definitely suggest going to support group meetings. In fact, you should probably bring your reluctant family members to the support groups with you, so that they can gain more knowledge about the surgery and the time frame post surgery.
— Dave Chambers

January 17, 2008
Who cares what people think. This is your decision to make a choice to be healthy and it they dont support you in this decision then that is there problem that they with have to deal with, however I had a friend that felt the same way and guess what the people she thought would not be supportive have been the ones that are there for her the most! :) Good Luck you are going to love your new life!
— nicole30

January 17, 2008
I think I know how you feel. I am hoping to have gastric bypass this spring and feel the same way. I don't know if it is shame on my part or what. Telling people about it ... talking about it with people would be like be talking about how FAT I have let myself get. It is hard. I know that later, after surgery, people will notice I have lots lots of weight and will have to discuss it with more than family .... will cross that bridge when I get there. And at least at that time I can be proud of how far I have come. Right now I, like you, don't feel comfortable sharing WLS with everyone.
— Tammy Cardwell

January 17, 2008
It seems like the age old question. To tell everyone or no? I can say from personal experience - that I told everyone, I am a complete open book about the surgery, my weight loss, my new lifestyle, etc. I believe that education and educating people regarding the surgery and the TRUE facts surrounding surgery is a benefit to us all. On the other hand, I have several friends (through support group) who chose not to say anything to anyone, except for a hand full of people. It all boils down to your personal preference. I prefer to have everyone around me know and support me daily and be able to talk freely about it. Others are not that comfortable doing so. Whatever you decide - decide for you and no one else. The only major things I needed help with after surgery was housework for the first month or so. My surgeon was pretty strict about lifting, bending, pulling, pushing, etc. Everything else I could do myself and happily did. Good luck. Hope that helps.
— jammerz

January 17, 2008
Yes, it is totally normal. I found out the people I did tell were very unsupportive so I just stopped telling people. I only told the people who needed to know, immediate family and closest friends. You won't need much help post op. I had LAP RNY 4 years ago. I came home, had to go back to work, take care of my 2 year old by myself and pack up our house that we had lived in for 8 years because we were moving out of state. My husband had already moved so I was on my own. You will be fine!
— Carlyn M.

January 18, 2008
Tell them, they may freak out at first, but they will come around. You will need all the support you can get. They love you and they will be worried to death, but they will come around. My sister had a fit. She called my kids and tried to get them to talk me out of it. My kids supported me though and now 11 weeks out, my sister is my greatest fan. Trust that your love ones love you. Pat
— pjennjr

January 18, 2008
Tracy, I was in the same boat as you are...I decided not to share with everyone that I was having WLS...I only picked those individuals that I knew would back me up 100%. Even now that I have lost almost 100 pounds, with those people that I did not share anything with and they ask me what I am doing, I just tell them that I am eating right and exercising. One person found out that I was not intending to tell, and as I had expected they were very negative about it, though they are in great need of having WLS also, but due to the negative comments of other, is afraid of it. I am praying that she will eventually come around and see the great benefits as she continues to observe my dramatic progress. At work, only three people are aware of the fact that I had the surgery and two of them found out because I had been interviewed about Alli when it was about to be release and my two one co-worker caught the interview on TV and called my other co-worker and let her know about it, but both of those individuals are angels and have been completely supportive. I hope that with all of these answers you will have a little more peace of mind on how to handle this situation. There are many of us here, who will be praying for you. God bless.
— Roberto S.

January 18, 2008
I completely agree with you. I am not telling my sister and family at all. Both my parents died yrs ago, but I wouldn't have told them either, because they would not have been supportive. You have the right not to tell anyone if you don't want to. If someone is not supportive, it may only help to defeat all that you are trying to accomplish. I had to tell my boss so that I could get the time off of work. He has promised not to tell anyone at work. Having a support system is definitely an advantage, but if the support just isn't there, don't give people who disapprove of your decision the opportunity to critisize you. Good luck!
— C P.

January 18, 2008
Hi Tracy, I was afraid to tell anyone about my decision to have RNY surgery. I didn't want anyone to change my mind nor did I want to be judged as taking the easy way out. (as others have referred to this before) I opted to tell my best friend and waited for her reaction. She was skeptical at first and had many questions. Once I was able to answer all her questions, she realized how serious I was and had done my homework so to speak. She has been my strongest supporter and has taken days off from work to transport me to my appointments in Ypsilant MI. She said she will be with me all the way. She has given me extra strength needed during my long journey. After one year's struggle with my PCP and OHIP. My date is set for Monday January 21, 2008. You maybe surprised how they react with your decision. ( I too was afraid to tell my family and friends but happy I shared my decision...facts with them.) Good luck with your decision! ;o) Lynn
— rd2wls

January 18, 2008
I understand your feelings. I only wanted to share with my husband and adult children. I chose to share with my Mom since she was staying with me. However I did not want to share with my siblings- unfortunately my Mom forced my hand and I did share it and they responded they way I felt they would and our relationships have been damaged. I probably would have told them later after the surgery but pre-op I only wanted supporters not non-supporters around. To make a long story short - you have to do what feels right for you. Hope this helps. Donna 21mo post op 286/131
— dabby

January 18, 2008
I think everyone goes through the same thing. They think people will be judgmental & negative. I told a handful of people pre surgery. I felt I made my decision & I didn't want or need to hear peoples opinions. I am more surprised each day. Most people are so supportive, I was shocked. It is 4 weeks post op and I have since told a few more people. It amazes me that a size 2 friend can think it is so wonderful & understand! Initially tell a few you are close with or feel comfortable. I have told more people since but I wanted to be sure things continued going well. You are doing something to make your life better, what can people possibly say? Be positive, believe in yourself and if you come across someone who is not thrilled with your decision, oh well. That is their problem, not yours! I think you will be amazed how great people think it is! Post op, it is nice for a few people close to understand what you are doing. Dont worry you are normal!!
— Linda R.

January 19, 2008
I am having surgery on Feb 26. I have some select people I am sharing with but, because I received very negative reactions from some friends/family when I first mentioned the possibility of surgery, I have refrained from sharing my news with them. I will share when surgery is over. I have a friend/mentor at work who had surgery 16 months ago, and my husband is also very supportive. My immediate work mates are supportive (whether they think it is a good idea or not, they haven't said). Everyone else can find out when it's a done deal!
— [Deactivated Member]

January 19, 2008
Hi, Tracy. I am new to this site, and I am feeling the same as you. I will not tell my family that I am hoping to have this surgery. I have a very supportive husband, and a very supportive friend who just had GB on Oct. 26, 2007. They, and the people on this site, are all the support I need at this time. When I have talked about this surgery in the past, I have received negative feedback, that is why I made the decision to keep it to myself. If the time comes that I need to inform more people of my decision to have WLS, then I may tell more people. But for now, until I have a surgery date, the fewer people that know the better. I don't want to jinx things!! I am planning to have my surgery this summer, in June, if all goes well. I hope that you will find peace in whatever decision you make for yourself. Remember, you are doing this for your health, and no one else. Good luck to you!! peace...Kathy ;)
— KMEgashira

January 19, 2008
Hi Tracy. I did have your problem with telling others. I was very concerned about getting too much advice from people who don't really spend much time with me anyway. I work with children a lot in volunteer things, and I didn't want them to know either. I also didn't want any of the high school students that I work with (at the time I worked at our local high school) to know. I don't want them thinking it was an "easy" way out. I told those whom I thought I would want their advice and/or support, a few close friends, and ofcourse my children and husband. When my husband fully supported me, that was all I needed. I asked a few people I know closely to pray for me and with me about it and didn't tell anyone else that I didn't want to tell. Another reason was that if something went wrong in surgery, my husband would not have to explain over and over our decision and why we made it. It was sort of to protect him as well. When asked why I would be out of my volunteer spot or job for six weeks, I did say I was having surgery, I won't lie about that, but I told them it was an "intestinal thing" and left it at that. I wouldn't answer any questions I didn't want to answer. It was not their business. After surgery and I lost weight and was doing great, then I let others know, when I was ready. One lady at my church said a year later that I looked so good, I told her then that I had surgery. She didn't know. It was my choice, and I am confident with my choice. We don't have to share with anyone we don't need to. I would say that your children and spouse should know, but even your spouse alone for support is all you need. Children are precious, but they don't understand the full weight of your decision or why you are making it. I listened to them, and 2 of the 3 were for me having surgery, but the third was scared for me (he was 14). I understood his fears, but he had to respect our decision to move forward. He did, and I am so glad I had surgery. It was something we prayed about a lot, and God answered my prayers, and I trust Him with the results. I am thankful. You make your decisions, and trust your inner circle of friends. Let everyone else know it is an "intestinal" issue you need fixed. Tell them when you are ready. Take care, Patricia P.
— Patricia P

January 19, 2008
I didn't say anything to most of my family and friends. I told the ones that I felt were the closest to me and would be supportive. For me that was a good decision. I just had the lap band 12/19/07. In fact I did tell one person who I was unsure how she would react - and it was a mistake. We don't need that kind of negativity. Especially if we are a little scared. If you feel you should not tell some people then don't. Go with your instinct.
— tiffany380

January 19, 2008
Hi Tracie - For me, I told everyone. I had health issues and my Dr. told me if I didn't do something that I would not make it out of my 60's That was only 7 or so years to exist. Some were not supportive and told me I could do it through diet and exercise. I just told them been there done that. I needed to do this to live. I still tell people who I haven't seen in awhile that I had the bypass. If I was to say I did it just by dieting and they found out I would not be able to face them. Be strong in your decision. They do not walk in your shoes. When they see that you have done your research and you tell them about what you know you will get their support and support is everything. Because they know NOTHING about it. This was quite a journey for me I am 1 yrs and 3 mos out. I"ve lost 113 lbs and am going in for plastic surgery 9 days from now. That again is a major decision for me and again I've told everyone and again I have people saying to me oh you don't need that. Tracy, It is all about you now. You are doing something wonderful for you. Be proud of your decision you will have such a wonderful life after all said and done. Best of luck to you. Niecie
— niecie54

January 19, 2008
Bariaric surgery is like any other personal health issue. It's PERSONAL and, as such, is protected by privacy laws. There is a reason these privacy laws have been put into place. Some people have the "need to know" and others simply do not. Those who are not (or may not) be supportive certainly do NOT have the need to know and should not be told. The ones you DO tell should be asked to be "discrete" and not pass the information on to others without your knowledge and permission.
— [Deactivated Member]

January 21, 2008
Hi Tracy, the decision to tell people is one that you have to discover within your own heart. When I first decided to have the surgery I decided to tell my husband who was very reluctant and scared because he was afraid something was going to happen. I had to let him know that my decision was made good or bad I was not turning back I was pushing forward I needed his support. I then educated him on it and had him come with me to my consultation and to my nutritional evaluation. Next part for me was to tell my family and I actually thought my toughest critic was going to be my dad but it wasn't it was actually my sister and my uncle who tried to talk me out of it but again I held strong told them how I felt and my mind was set and that was that they have supported me ever since. I told a few friends prior not to many people only because I still did not know if my insurance was going to cover and alot of people I felt did not need to know my business. Now I will tell anyone who wants to know I am proud of my decision and my journey I am on. I am just at the beginning and like everyone we all have our own story and you will make your own choice based on your beliefs. May your journey be a huge success.
— iwilllose

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