Question:
I need help with NaySayers!
I am in the beginning phase of WLS. Have an appt on March 10 to get things going. Hoping for Lap RNY as I am over 100 lbs overweight. I am having a hard time with my Dad and Stepmom of all people. My Dad is scared I may die and sees it unnecessary to take an ELECTIVE surgery. My stepmom is scared I may die and she may have to help raise my children..whether it be finacially or being a caregiver. I am married but they don't see my husband capable to raise my children on his own. I am 35 and don't need permission, but I would like to have more support from parents than this. Nothing I seem to say changes their minds. Any suggestions? — buggyboot (posted on February 28, 2009)
February 28, 2009
You will find as you read the boards here on OH that there are many others
out there with this same issue, before and after surgery. I experienced it
too, only with my husband. For me, it helped to share with him (aka educate
him) what I learned here and from my weight loss program thru my surgeon's
office. He is now on board and supportive. Doesn't mean he doesn't still
worry but fear is conquered thru knowledge. First and foremost for me was
this surgery is being done for health reasons, not vanity. Secondly, all
surgery has risk whether it is elective or not. A question you might ask
your dad is would he object to you having heart bypass surgery? It has a
risk of death as well. Obesity is proven to have risks that can bring
early death. I for one didn't consciously elect to be a morbidly obese
person and thus potentially die much sooner. My chances for a longer life
are better with a healthy, normal weight. I have tried all the other
methods and failed. I ELECT to keep fighting my problem and hopefully
eliminate type II diabetes out of my life forever. Research your surgeon
and the facility he operates out of. Again, you can find a lot of good
answers right here. Go to the main page on this website and read about each
surgery type to have as much information as possible. I found that sharing
with my husband not only brought him around supportively but he is
benefiting too in making better food choices for himself too. Good luck on
your journey.
— Arkin10
February 28, 2009
My advice is to ask your Dad & Stepmom to go with you to your
appointment. Or check to see if there is an information seminar your doctor
schedules. Maybe if they hear all about the surgery & are able to ask
questions, it will alleviate their concerns. Ultimately...it will be your
decision but it is nice to have family behind you. My family was very
scared when I first decided on having RNY but after I researched it &
had my consult with the doctor, they understood & are behind me 100%.
Yes...they are scared about the surgery/post op, etc, but they know there
is risk with everything in life. Best of luck to you in your journey:)
— angel325
February 28, 2009
WHAT I WOULD SUGGEST,IS THAT YOU TAKE YOUR DAD WITH YOU TO YOUR FIRST
DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT,SO HE CAN ASK THE SURGEONS QUESTIONS,AND MAYBE THE
DOCTOR CAN GIVE HIM STATISTICS ON HOW WELL MOST PEOPLE DUE.ALSO IF THERE IS
SUPPORT GROUP AVAILABLE,GO AND TAKE THEM BOTH WITH YOU.MAYBE SEEING ALL THE
OTHERS AND BEING ABLE TO ASK THEM QUESTIONS,WILL EASE THERE MINDS.GOOD
LUCK.SINCERELY,JOANN
— JOANNFV
February 28, 2009
Michelle, I understand what you are going through. My family was horrified
that I would undergo this procedure, but eventually they supported me
through the whole thing. But I did lose some "friends" in the
process. The thing is, you may not get support from the ones you expected
- the support may come from someone entirely different. But the biggest
thing is, YOU have to be sure in your own heart and mind that this is right
for YOU. I don't know anything about you, but if you have researched this
and are reasonably healthy, then you and your doctor have to make this
decision - no one else. Wishing you the very best.
Kitty
— Kitty_B
February 28, 2009
I didn't have any support from my hisband...He was much like your family.
He just hated the idea and was so vocal about it to my parents that he had
everyone trying to talk me out of it...I had no choice but to learn as much
as I could and bombarded him with info when we were in the car so he had
nowhere to run and had to listen to me! LOL I dragged him to my nutrition
course/classes on life after WLS that I paid for. Best $200 I ever spent!
He calmed down a tiny bit after that...but fact is I would have done it no
matter what anyone said...I love my family but I wanted to be healthy and
alive for my kids and future grandkids one day...Knowledge really helps
calm them especially if YOU know EXACTLY what is going to happen and how
you are going to eat, live, etc. It gives them more confidence if they
believe you ARE CERTAIN and have the confidence in the surgery! Fact is
though...I put on my big girl shoes and just went full force into the
surgery prepared to do it all alone if I had to...There was NO ONE on this
grean earth going to stop me! Fast forward 5 years later...My hubby is just
as happy as a the owner of a shiny new trophy...My toxic friends are out of
my life...My good friends stuck by me and are wonderful...Some family
membrs stopped visiting and give me stuff like chocolates and candies and
fattening foods for holidays and birthdays! (Gee, I wonder what they are
trying to say?) You just smile and say thanks...and regift it, send it to
work with hubby, or trash the crap! Bottom line is...it's your life and
your best chance at a second chance at being healthier, thinner and
happier! The chances of dying are just as great staying MO...Everyday, is a
day that your time could be up...it didn't stop you from getting married
and having kids...Do they freak out everytime you get in the car and drive
the interstate? Cause guess what? Everyday you live...there is a risk of
death because death is the ONLY thing in this world that IS FOR CERTAIN! I
hate to say it, but your parents sound like toxic people...Just like my
husband was...If they love you, they'll love you after surgery...If you
love them , you'll find a way to calm their fears and still put on your big
girl shoes and walk right into the docs office and change your life! I did
and I am soooooo happy! So are the naysayers! :) Good luck!
— .Anita R.
February 28, 2009
hi there- i have noticed many similar reasons on these boards the last 5
years of unspoken reasons why families and friends oppose this surgery.
The person posting usually doesn't add this bit of info, but from
researching the problems with mal absorption of medications, i have talked
with over 1000 post op RNY patients. Most of the time a husband who doesnt
want you to have this done is, they are usually overweight, grossly or
beyond and are afraid once you are losing your weight, will leave them in
the dust or worse, find someone else for a life partner. Parents and
friends often times tell you " a friend of a friend who knows someone
yadda yadda when in fact, they are pulling this negative unknown info from
a hat.
This is about your life. Your health, your wellbeing. Take them to
orientation, the nutritionist, etc. Better yet kiddo, sit down with them
here on this site, and go thru all the before and after pictures. There is
no better way to get your wt loss juices going again, just seeing all the
possibilities. Shoot, even at almost 5 yrs post op, and even with no
weight gain, I still get a thrill looking at the pictures once every 3-4
months. It just instills in my mind what is still possible for all of us.
You can only reassure friends and family so much before it becomes a mantra
and you don't need the added pressure. They have to find it within
themselves reasons NOT to be selfish. Good luck, check out those pictures,
and hang onto your bootstraps, because you are in for the ride of your
life. Cindi M.D.retired -230# maintaining almost 3.5 yrs-5yrs post op
— DollyDoodles
February 28, 2009
Hi!
My heart goes out to you. I am 23 days out from RNY and dealing with
naysayers before my surgery was hard for me too. I only had a few, and
they were not even my close family or friends. I can't imagine how hard it
would be to have those that are close to you not support your decision to
LIVE!!!! Thats what it was for me...I decided to LIVE and I am soooo glad
I did it!
I'm sure your family loves you, but they are being somewhat selfish. They
are more sensitive about how YOUR DECISION TO LIVE affects them! They
should be more sensitive to the daily pain your obesity causes you!
Please love and respect your family, but MAKE SURE you love and respect
yourself FIRST! If you have decided that the WLS is right for
you.........THEN DO IT! They love you, they will of course be afraid, but
it you do decide to do it, ask them to please support you on your decision
and tell them that if you are going to do it, the negativity they are
spreading helps no one, and hurts all of you!
So often the negative stories are the loudest. Please know that some have
PERFECT experiences. I have lost 36 lbs in the 3 weeks since my surgery,
and I already don't need my CPAP machine for sleep apnea and my BP is down
to 130-80 without BP meds I have taken for 10 years. I havent had 1 second
of nausea or discomfort after the 1st few days post op. And the worst was
just the few hours after the surgery. The pain medicine worked like a
charm and it really wasn't that bad. I was released to go home from the
hospital in 24 hourse after surgery. I feel like I have lost 100lbs (I
haven't but I will soon enough) and my only regret is that I didn't do this
years ago.
If you decide to have the surgery, I suggest that you tell your loved ones
that you are doing it....not ask for their feelings about it. Tell them
about your desicion to live and tell that that you need their 100% support!
Please let me know what you decide! I will be rooting, hoping and praying
for you!
Michael
— AKQJand10
February 28, 2009
I had the exact same problem. I had prepared for 6 months for the surgery,
going to meetings, doing research, etc. and a week before my surgery, my
parents decide to tell me that they aren't happy with my decision. Like I
wasn't feeling enough anxiety of my own at that point! I basically sat
them down and gave them numbers. Turns out my father knew someone who died
from the surgery - he had it 12 years ago and proceeded to eat through his
staples (his own doing)! I told them the number of people who have had it
done and the success stories I've heard. I told them I was going ahead
with it, it was my decision.
My suggestion is to get them as much information as you possibly can -
invite them to appointments, meetings, etc. so they can get the real facts.
Most people only ever hear the horror stories!
— Ursie77
March 1, 2009
My husband was not supportive in the very beginning either but he knew that
I had my mind made up and nothing was going to change it. He thinks I'm a
spoiled rotten brat (in a good way because he continues to spoil me). But
he went to the 7 mandatory classes I had to go to, one of which was the
surgeon showing films of him doing the lap band and the lap rny (the one I
am having). After that he knew this surgeon was the best and that I was in
good hands. He is still concerned but it is because ANY sugery has risk.
But he is not opposed to it because he has a better understanding and he
wants me to live alot longer and abe healthy. Now when we go to the
grocery store he is always reading labels and he is very supportive. He
even says this will benefit him and our son by eating healthier. Because I
have started eating the 6 times a day before the surgery so I can get use
to it he is constantly asking if I had my snack or meal. So if you take
your Dad or whoever with you and have them get as much info as you they
will see how this is going to help you live longer and be happier and
healthier. They will come around. God Bless you and the best of luck!
Keep us updated on your progress. Hugs...Donna
— gonnabethinfinally
March 1, 2009
I would suggest stop talking to them about it. You're 35 and have your own
family, and I'm assuming you don't live with them. You don't need
permission or support from your parents to go through with the surgery. If
they want to research the surgery, great. If not, leave them be. Time
will pass, you'll do great, and eventually they can choose to support you
or continue being negative. You have enough to think about and do in
preparation for wls. In my opinion, you don't need to spend your time and
energy trying to change someone else's mind about how they feel about your
personal choices in life. Go ahead and be a little selfish. Focus on your
life, your feelings, and what you want. You said you don't need permission
from your parents, and as long as you are comfortable not having their
permission/support, I recommend just letting it go. From personal
experience, I have found it difficult to guess who might be supportive and
who will be a naysayer. People do not understand the surgery, have seen
scary 20/20 type shows on wls, etc. Overweight friends/family may be
jealous and display their jealousy to you as fear/doubt about the surgery.
This is really one of those times in life, I think, where you have to be
very strong and independent and lean on sources outside of your normal
circle for support. This website, wls support groups, wls
therapists/counselors, nutritionist, surgeon's office, other wls patients,
etc. are great sources of support/advice concerning wls. If you tell
friends/family members and they are supportive, great. That will be a
great help to you. If they are negative at all, don't dwell on it and move
on. Some of their fears may be fears you have as well. Most people go
into surgery with a hefty amount of fear, whether it's wls or some other
surgery. You don't need someone reminding you of all of your fears. I
wish you the very best of luck. If this is what you choose to do, I wish
you the very best!!!
— wenniewo
March 1, 2009
You know, no one has mentioned the fact that WLS changes the whole family
dynamic, and this is what is usually causing the negative feedback on your
decision. Let your family members know that you are making an educated and
well-informed decision based upon over 20 years of track record in the
scientific community. Tell them you are choosing a better and longer and
healthier lifestyle, which will in fact add to the whole family's
well-being. People are naturally opposed to change of any kind, even
positive change. Let them know you understand their concern, but that you
are moving forward with this. Oh, and tell them you love them, but that
you would appreciate their positive support and to not voice their
negatives anymore. If they can't do that, change the subject everytime they
bring it up. If they are dysfunctional to the point where they don't
respect your decision at all, avoid being around them. Sometimes you have
to choose a healthier you when parents of grown children can't let go. I
know I had to do this.
— cydthekid50
March 1, 2009
Hi Michelle... congrats on your decision to explore and
"go-ahead" with the surgery. I don't think any of us
"post-ops" can honestly say that they have never heard any
negative feedback from their decisions. There are many good answers before
me. But, I think that you will see a common theme to them and that is to
educate your nay-sayers. There is alot of misconceptions out there and
sometimes somewhat of a stigma to WLS, although this is changing. Some
people think that you are taking the "easy" way out. I can't
think of a more "Non-easy" way out to change your body forever.
I will echo the other answers in regards to inviting your family to your
doctors appt. There are support groups held by all of the hospitals that
have bariatric programs. Find out what hospital your surgeon works in and
hook up with them. I can speak from experience that the support group that
I attend has alot of people coming to the "pre-op" informational
portion of the meeting and stay through the time when the post ops are
there. This will allow your family to ask the other patients questions as
well as their family members who attend with them. There are loved ones
who attend with the patient who say that they were reluctant or downright
against the idea at first, but then once they attended meetings and learned
more they became more supportive. You can also establish relationships
with the other attendees to get some local support outside of the meetings.
If after, they have been educated and they still are very much against it,
then you will have to ask yourself or them why they are so against it.
Sometimes, they will be able to express it and sometimes, they don't even
know, consciously, why they are so opposed. Just know this, that with
every change in your life, there are reciprocal changes and that includes
some people that around you. some will come around once they see you being
successful and more healthy, some will not. It all depends upon where they
are coming from and what benefit they obtained from you being heavy and
dependant upon them. I would think that they would want you healthier and
able to live longer. I understand that they are scared as this is a major
surgery and sometimes things do happen, but I have to say that I think the
vast majority are very successful... good luck to you. Kari
— Kari_K
March 1, 2009
This is a back handed way of doing it. Thank your father and stepmom for
showing concern for you and your children. Expain to them that you want to
be around to enjoy them and your family. But there are to many serious
health risks if you don't have wls (heart attacks, diabetes. etc.)
Invite both of them to the seminar and/or the doctors visit to hear what
would take place.
Sometimes, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
— Kathleen W.
March 2, 2009
This is why many people do not tell anyone until it is done. People do not
realize that you need this help. They can be very negative. I would not
speak to them of the surgery any more. Just do what you need to to prepare.
Raalize your health is more important than their opinion. Tell them you are
not sure what you wll do but are just working on losing weight for now.
Then go through with it. They will be proud of you once you begin to loose
the weight and regain your health. Though some people find that people will
try to stop them even after the surgery but bringing over tempting foods.
Just be strong. You can do it.
— trible
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