Question:
Dealing with "jealous" spouse

I have been married for almost 19 years. It is pretty much a normal marriage .. get busy with life and raising 3 teenage sons. Nothing special or unusual about us, I would say. Well, since starting my weight loss 8 months ago and now having lost 130 lbs, my husband seems to be jealous of everything. He constantly says something about me going to workout everyday. Said I am getting conceited/stuck on myself for buying a full-length mirror for our bathroom. Yesterday I went and walked my 2 miles and then was going to the gym to sit in the sauna ... he told me I had workout enough and just needed to go home. I had enough and told him if I want to go workout ... that is what I am going to do. Everywhere I go he makes comments that I must have a boyfriend there ... "going to see your boyfriend" or "are you looking for a boyfriend?" ... ecspecially if I am all cleaned up with makeup on and my hair fixed ... vs how I usually have during the week ... so it is different and he thinks I am looking for someone. How should I deal with this??? It is getting really old!    — Tammy Cardwell (posted on November 6, 2008)

November 6, 2008
I hear what you are saying exactly. I've been married only 3 years and my husband is constantly telling me how I look in the mirror too much but I look because I am amazed at what has happened and because of the excess skin that I have now, I'm like how can you still be attracted to me. Since losing 121 lbs, he wants to "try" different things sexually and I am so uncomfortable with my "new" body due to the skin and he thinks because I won't do it, I must be with someone else. Like you, it gets really old. He thinks because he is overweight that now that I've lost I'm looking for someone smaller and I tell him that is ridiculous but he won't accept it. I have gone to my pastor about it and together we are praying for my husband that he gets the understanding he needs. I don't pay him any attention anymore with it but sometimes it still gets to me. I know this isn't an answer but just letting you know that you are not alone in this!!!
   — PAWLLA L.

November 6, 2008
I had a really good friend who went through the same thing. They ended up divorcing. First you need to decide if you are happy with your husband and be sure you are NOT looking for something else. This takes some soul searching. Mostly it seems like the men get insecure that they are not good enough for you with all your changes. IF you want to stay married to him you have to let him know that the changes were not to find someone else but to be better for you, your sons and HIM! Good luck. I would love to hear from you again.
   — vegastina

November 6, 2008
I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through. Congratulations on your success. He is the one with the problem! Very insecure...
   — [Deactivated Member]

November 6, 2008
Been here, done this. My husband did the same thing to me to the point we are no longer together. Sometimes what people think they want, really isn't. Although he said he wanted me thin and healthy, he couldn't handle it. Do NOT and I repeat, DO NOT, take this as YOUR problem. It isn't. It's his. He has to find a way to deal with it. You do what makes you feel good about yourself. You've worked long and hard for this. Enjoy yourself. If he loves you, he will eventually realize that losing the weight was a good thing for both of you. If not, then it's his loss.
   — Karen P.

November 6, 2008
I hear you. HE is the one with the problem. You are trying to get healthier and becoming happier with yourself in the process. Try to get your husband involved with what you are doing if he too is overweight. Usually I find no matter who is being childish like that; it is they who have an insecurity problem.
   — vinnigirl

November 6, 2008
I'm so sorry to hear that. Sounds like he needs some counseling and praying to get over his insecurities. When my hubby says it, my reply to him is "What, you don't think I could leave you while I was fat??" After that he shuts up. Come to think of it, he hasn't said that in awhile. He must have gotten tired of my response:)
   — Teri K.

November 6, 2008
Hey Tammy, just a thought. Have you tried asking him to walk/workout with you? My husband joined the "Y" with me in January and it's been a great thing for our relationship. Gives us something to do together that we both see benefit from. Also gives him the security to know that I am working out for me and not out prospecting. Like I said, just a thought. :-)
   — Cindy E.

November 6, 2008
He's not used to seeing you so outgoing, so active and he doesn't know how to react so of course he lashes out and you are the target. Ask him to join you, ask him to go with you when you go places. If you haven't done things in the past like wear make up and now you are or dressing nicer or going more places - he's insecure with the new you. Maybe suggest couples therapy/couseling and get some help him and you to communicate more freely and in a more positive way. If you love him and want to stay in your marriage you will have to do something to help him and the situation. good luck.
   — jammerz

November 6, 2008
Tammy, I am terribly sorry that your husband is reacting this way to your weight loss! It sounds like you two need to have a serious, sit down, conversation about how you feel when he says those things to you. One of the most valuable pieces of advise that was given to me when I got married was from an 80 year old friend of our family. That was, "talk to him often, openly and honestly." Don't get angry with him, don't raise your voice, but don't hold back any of your feelings. It sounds like he's having a difficult time adjusting to your new appearance. I think what's important to remind him, is that you may look like a different woman from the outside, but that you are still the same woman he married 19 years ago on the inside.
   — [Deactivated Member]

November 6, 2008
well i kind of know what you are going through i talked to my husband and he was supportive until i had the surgery .....he never once told me that i looked good anything.....just never talked about it.....he was always working until i stopped him and talked to him and aid i wasnt happy with us.....he said he wasnt either and wanted to separate... he has been gone a month. i dont know what to think he just doesnt want the new me or what????? well just tell him u havent changed and u stll love him u are just feeling better about u and that u feel good and want to look good for him...!!!!
   — lisaanne38

November 6, 2008
Don't you understand mantalk? He is scared stiff he is going to lose the woman he loves. When she was fat and ugly HE was safe. You were his and nobody else would want her. BUT NOW YOU ARE GORGEOUS AND HE IS AFRAID some other guy will come along and take you away from this fat and ugly old man. YOU are the only one who can help him. I think you know exactly what you need to do.
   — jeffkopp

November 6, 2008
I agree with Jeff. Reassure him your the same girl that married him. But also tell him how much better you feel about yourself now. I also think asking him to join you is a great idea. Good luck
   — urbrat2

November 6, 2008
Reasure him that you are changing for your health and try counseling with a good therapist. You should also tell him that this surgery saved your life since morbid obesity would most likely would have killed you sooner rather than later. Good luck.
   — maria09elena

November 6, 2008
I think he need reassurance that you still fancy him. If you found something in yourself that needed to be changed,...maybe you will find something in him too...Just tell him the truth of how you are feeling. You aren't looking for another man, just wanting to feel good about yourslef. If he would praise you instead of question you, that you'd appreciate that more. But let him know that you still love him, just as he is. hope this helps...just my humble opinion..hugs, Kim
   — gpcmist

November 6, 2008
FIRST!!!!!! WOW!!!!! WE DESERVE A LITTLE SOMETHING!!!!! however, i'v been married 33 years and i am scared to death that it can happen to me!!! in the past, he has showed very little jealousy, but when it comes out, it's not pretty. upsets me pretty badly. i have never done anything to deserve it. this is what i would try... ask him to go work out with you. invite him to be part of everything. just reasure him how much you do still love him. after all this should make both of your lives easier. much more enjoyable. i had said to my kids befor surgery that this was for me. i had to be healthy. i wanted to grow old with they're dad. i wanted them to keep a close eye on me, in case i start getting stupid. which i could. i use to think my husban didn't want me to lose. he always tried feeding me more and more everytime i tried. i fixed that. this really about those of us that has fix the issue!!! you might try a counsolor. they say this is very common. good luck, i think this is one of the topics that effect us all! (that are married)
   — peggy R.

November 6, 2008
I am so sorry that you are going through this at a time when you should be getting positive reinforcement from those around you. That being said, didn't you have a psyche evaluation? At mine, they explained and warned of this possibility (it didn't happen, but I was emotionally ready to handle it). Perhaps you should see a counselor (both of you would benefit) so that you can either learn to handle his insecurities or he can get over it. At all cost, you cannot let him sabotage you into failing. Let him know that he has no reason to worry about your success, but also let him know that you can't be manipulated by his childish behavior.
   — Kathy T.

November 6, 2008
I am so sorry that you are going through this at a time when you should be getting positive reinforcement from those around you. That being said, didn't you have a psyche evaluation? At mine, they explained and warned of this possibility (it didn't happen, but I was emotionally ready to handle it). Perhaps you should see a counselor (both of you would benefit) so that you can either learn to handle his insecurities or he can get over it. At all cost, you cannot let him sabotage you into failing. Let him know that he has no reason to worry about your success, but also let him know that you can't be manipulated by his childish behavior.
   — Kathy T.

November 6, 2008
Hi Tammy, My husband throws in a much milder version of this every once in a while. But he does it more jokingly. I told him that even if he is joking it still offends me that he would even hint that I would be so superficial as to leave him now that I "Look" different. When he says junk like "are you going to meet your boyfriend", I just tell him I've spent the last 17 years breaking him in and if he thinks he is getting rid of me that easy he has another thing coming...mister!! I also try to be extra loving and affectionate with him and reassure him that I love him as much as the day I married him and I am not going anywhere. And it's easy, cause it's the truth. If he is your heart, and you want to keep him, then love him through it.
   — Deni

November 7, 2008
Two words: Marriage Counseling.
   — cydthekid50

November 7, 2008
Well at least your husband notices your changes & cares enough to be jealous! I have the complete opposite problem - my husband of 22 years never says anything about my weight loss. Never has he said anything positive, or even negative for that matter. I just get nothing - boy does that hurt!!!! Anyway, I do agree with the others that said to try to get him involved with your activities. I'm sure his comments stem from his insecurities, but are still very painful & hard to live with. Maybe you could start a new "date night" tradition with him or some other thing that focuses all your new makeup/clothes/body on just him. Above all, let him know how very painful his comments are for you.
   — loggurl

November 7, 2008
I am sorry to hear you are going through this with your hubby. All of the posts so far have offered some really great insights and/or options for you to try so I hope these help. Most importantly though, is for YOU to remember that you did this for you and your health and you deserve to dress prettily and fix yourself up with a dash of makeup and enjoy your newfound capabilities. Best wishes for you in your pursuit of good health, mind, body and soul! Robin
   — Robin H.

November 7, 2008
Hi Tammy, My surgeon makes sure every visit that I am still telling my husband every day/week that I am not leaving and I don't have a boyfriend. Don't forget...Men are Mars and Women are from Venus. We are wired COMPLETELY differently. They need an "in" to discuss how they might be feeling.
   — scrappyjen

November 7, 2008
Get into couseling...NOW! This is not an uncommon phenomenon. Keep working on you and just reassure him that you want to be with him and no one else. Hopefully a counselor can help him work out his issues with the new you. Best of luck....:)
   — sassypaige614

November 7, 2008
<<<"What, you don't think I could leave you while I was fat??" >>> LOL! This is SO TRUE! I have a recently divorced friend who is a large lady (and also gorgeous!) She has several men interested in her (not looser guys either...normal sized good lookin men with jobs! LOL!) It has NOTHING to do with weight!
   — MAG

November 8, 2008
Are you complimenting HIM occasionally? Let him know that you still love him and find him attractive. Not so much the "sit down and talk about it" (although that's a good idea, too), but the little things like walking up behind him and hugging him or rubbing his back, telling him he looks good, when you see his number on the caller ID answer with "Hello, my Love", etc... Even if you don't necessarily feel that way, it might convince you just as much as it convinces him. :) Yes, it is his problem. But you may be able to help the situation. This is a marriage, after all. This just happens to be one of the "for worst" times. Good luck!
   — fairysaddle

November 8, 2008
Look into your heart and see if you are getting a little thrill out or the attention from other men. If you are, do what ever you can to get that out of the way. Then pay more attention to your husband. Men respond to affection and to comments we give them about how important they are. Tell him you need him because he makes you feel safe, because he is a good provider , good father etc. Then if you can, get some counseling . Good luck
   — bellespre

November 9, 2008
WOW, I taught that I was the only one going thru this mess. My husband and I will be married for 26 years this jan 09, I had my surgery 4/14/08, I have only lost 54 lbs and stuck on a plateau, while I am depress with not losing any more weight , now I have to hear the is that I am lying about where I am when I only go to work and home. He came out and told me that he will never trust me and I told him if there is no trust then there is not marriage. but it hurts to hear that from the man that you have given your life to. I am actually in the spare bed room at this time and has been for about a month now. But looking for another man is the last thing on my mind I want to reach my goal weight and just be HEALTHY for once in my life. Please if any one have any advice on my weight plateau, please help. Jennie
   — zydeko47

November 9, 2008
Hon, I am sorry you are going through this. He has the problem, but YOU need to focus on YOU. It's sad he is insecure, but no sense in letting him sabbotage your good work and committment. You could try talking with him and if it doesnt work out, then try counseling. If that doesnt work, separating maybe the answer. Remember HE brought this upon himself, not YOU. Getting healthy and staying fit is crucial to live longer, but who wants to live longer with someone who accuses them of unscrupulous behavior?Good Luck and God Bless. Write anytime, I'm there for you.Michele
   — Supermom2008

Click Here to Return