Question:
Has anyone ever gotten a divorce just before WLS or shortly after??
I would like to know how many experienced a negative "blow" to a relationship just before, or shortly after WLS. — Miss G. (posted on June 7, 2001)
June 7, 2001
I divorced 10 months before I had WLS. At the time of the divorce, I
hadn't even considered surgery. It wasn't until several months later when
I got laid off one week and tore the meniscus in my knee the next, that I
decided it was time to permanently lose weight.
<p>
When my ex first learned of my decision to have WLS, he accused me of doing
it in an ill-fated attempt to get him back. Later, I feel he was really
angry that I was losing weight - as if it were something I should have
'given' him while we were married. At that time, he brought out the scare
tactics: adhesions, staple disruptions, etc. He is a surgical assistant
who has done many RNY's on cancer and ulcer patients, so this wasn't just
someone blowing smoke!
<p>
Now, it's a different story entirely. I've lost 103 lbs., and as he told
me, "I've always had this fantasy of you; now you are the
fantasy". He is concerned about when my body will tell me to stop
losing weight (he always told me never to lose my big butt!), and he's
being really, really, um, nice to me.
<p>
I suppose it would be easy to say he was shallow and the weight loss has
made him rethink our marriage. But mind you, we never had closure on the
marriage or the divorce. With or without the weight loss, I truly believe,
we would have resolved our bickering eventually. But the other truth is,
he's never seen me this small in his life, and now he is very curious and
confused - and so am I.
— Allie B.
June 7, 2001
Alli,
I wish you so much love and happiness. I pray that God leads and Guides
you. Have you and your ex considered going for counsling? Some preachers
council. That might help. I think marriage is the hardest thing a person
can do. Raising a child is hard but you have this automatic built in love
for them and no matter what you always do. A marriage you have to WANT to
keep loving that person and keep falling in love with them and they have to
do the same. You have to keep honesty and communication open. I dont
think this would be hard for you. I know you are not married to him now
but hey you never know what path God will lead you down. : ) Good luck
and Best wishes.
Kim Merrick
— Kim M.
June 7, 2001
I am in the process of getting a divorce now. My husband & I have been
seperated for over 2 months. I am currently living with someone else &
have never been happier. Dont get me wrong here,my marriage was pretty much
over LONG before I even had WLS,but losing all that weight just gave me the
courage to finally end it.
— [Anonymous]
June 7, 2001
My husband, whom I met in Jr. High, dated for 10 years, and was married to
for nearly 10 years, was killed in a car accident on Christmas Eve 1998. I
started researching wls 6 months later, because I couldn't take care of our
children, myself, our house, and was totally suicidal. I had the surgery
in April 2000 and it saved my life. . I was accused of doing it to
attract another husband, but that wasn't true. 13 months and -145 lbs
later, I'm still not dating regularly, and am not ready for another
relationship. I have been having some problems lately with wanting to use
food for comfort again, and basically some excessive behaviors that bother
me. I started counseling again yesterday and my therapist pinpointed what
was going on very quickly - adjustment disorder. Still adjusting to life
without my husband, to life as a single woman and a single mother, and my
new body. I have to take some time to find out who I am now...not the
student, not the worker, not the mother, not the widow, not the friend.
Once I can do that and accept that person, I will find inner peace for the
first time in my life, and be ready for a new relationship with someone
whom I deserve. Good luck.
— [Deactivated Member]
June 8, 2001
I did not lose a husband but my boyfriend of over 4 years. He was against
the surgery since I first started to talk about it. While I was still I
the hospital recovering from WLS he brought chocolates up for me just to be
a jerk. I stopped seeing him about 2 weeks later because it just got worse
from there. I am better off without him. Between leaving him and losing
wieght, I am actually finding that I have some selfesteem.
— Tracy C.
June 8, 2001
My marriage was over one year prior to having wls. I didn't get a divorce
until January of this year. When my ex saw me losing weight he tried to get
back with me. he asked me what I was going to do about the divorce. i told
him I was still going to go through it. During this time he was really nice
to me. He mowed my lawn, shampooed my carpet. It just didn't take away what
he had done through out our marriage. I knew he wasn't going to change. It
was the best decision I ever made.
— [Anonymous]
June 10, 2001
Allie, I'm going to disagree with the other posters. I read your profile.
Have you? This is a guy whom you say beat you, raped you, cheated on you,
threatened to kill you, has been abusive to your oldest daughter, lied
about you in court, stopped paying child support, didn't bother with his
kids for 7 months, called you "fat, lazy and stupid" and told
you more than once that he likes to have an "old lady" who is fat
and has been abused because he can treat her any way he wants because she's
so grateful for any attention from a man. Allie, listen to yourself! Why
would you even consider reconciling with this horror of a human being?!?
— [Anonymous]
June 10, 2001
Dear Anonymous: Thank you so much for your concern. I did say I was
confused, but if you really read my profile, you would see that I am taking
things very slowly, letting God guide me and the only expectation I have is
to promote peace between my ex-husband, myself and our children.
<p>
You see, there is a little thing called forgiveness. Forgiveness washes
away jealousy, heartache, anger, bitterness, resentment and pride. And in
return, I get peace, cooperation, a renewed friendship and my children get
a father that has quit berating them. I'd say it's a pretty good payoff.
— Allie B.
September 20, 2001
I'm currently separated from my husband of 9 years. I'm almost 16 months
post-op. I've lost 97 lbs. For me, it didn't have anything to do with the
weight loss. He just hadn't grown up since we were married. He was the same
19 year-old. We separated the first time as few weeks post-op. He was the
one who threw the weight thing into it. Then he said that I was losing
weight and wanted to find another man. That was totally untrue. I was tired
of carrying all of the responsibility for EVERYTHING alone. This time,
(we've been separated almost 3 weeks now)he says that I dress in skimpy
clothes like a slut and flaunt myself all over men. I simply wear clothes
that fit unstead of the oversized knit and fleece suits that I used to hide
my fat body behind before. As for the flaunting...I do not!! I know that I
flirt, but it's totally innocent. I flirted the same way before I lost the
weight, but apparentally it didn't matter then because people weren't
flirting back!! He's just a jerk. He thinks that just because he was with
me all of those years that I was FAT, that that was a HUGE thing.
Nevermind, that he didn't pay one bit of attention to me! He just can't
stand it, and I never really got over our first separation. I wasn't the
same, didn't feel the same after that. I don't see where me losing weight
had anything to do with our split except for maybe giving me some
self-esteem.
— Stacey A.
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