Question:
How come dont people want to disclose their surgery?
I was just curious to know why so many people do not disclose the fact that they have had surgery. I think it perpetuates the myth that we can lose weight on our own without the help of this wonderful tool when in reality it is only 3% who are successful without surgery. Now of course I understand not sharing with casual aquaintances, but doesn't it make it seem like obesity is not a disease. Don't people assume that it is an issue of willpower or something? I know some people will not agree with me, but I think we should all shout it out that we have a disease that requires surgery. This is not "drastic". It is necessary and pragmatic. I just wonder if we are doing a disservice to those who have not heard about surgery. Do you think it promotes misconceptions? I was just curious to hear a debate on this subject. All responses are appreciated even if you completely disagree. Thank you all for helping me through my journey:-) — Sara A (posted on June 5, 2001)
June 5, 2001
I totally agree with Barb. I couldn't contain myself.....I've told
complete strangers......family, friends, it didn't matter to me.......I
held off telling my Dad for a short time, but.....everyone else knew from
the beginning of my journey! I wanted support, I got it! I wanted
everyone to know that I have tried everything I could but it wasn't working
for me.......I think realizing it myself was invigorating! I only have 16
pounds to go to get to my goal...and that will be 100% of my excess body
weight....I still feel like an obese person just in a smaller body....and
if someone says something about my weight (especially people who didn't
know me not too long ago) I tell them everything! It makes me feel great
when people email me and ask me questions....it makes me feel even better
when someone is encouraged just because I went through this 'drastic' step!
Take care...and spread the word if you want to...but, understand the need
for other's privacy......personally, I've never met a stranger! Much love,
Terri
— Terri G.
June 5, 2001
Sara, I am glad you posted this question, as I often wonder why people do
not want to tell about their surgery. I thank God every day for this
miraculous opportunity that has been given to me, and I tell everyone who
wants to know about it. I explain the procedure, refer surgeons, etc...
Every time I see an obese person I want to tell them about the surgery! Of
course, remembering how I felt when someone approached me, I would NEVER
just walk up to a stranger. I feel that I should give something back for
all the support and prayers that I have had from so many people. I think
every person that needs to lose 100 lbs or more should know what a
wonderful opportunity there is out there for them, that may change, or even
save their life. I had 2 friends go before me, 1 friend who just had
surgery, and 2 more in line for theirs. There are a lot of people out there
with negative attitudes about WLS, but they are uneducated about the
surgery, and have not done such extensive research as I have. At every
opportunity I refer people to several different websites, while telling
them the statistics, including successes, risks, and mortality rate. If
they want to take it further with research, more power to them. I can only
hope by sharing my surgery with other people in my situation, There will be
more happy and healthy people out there. :)
— Kim B.
June 5, 2001
I also tell everyone that I've had the surgery; on the other hand, I've
never been a very private person. Hate to admit it, but even still, when I
see someone for the first time in years, and they tell me I look great, I
still feel a bit ashamed for having to have resorted to WLS, as if I'm
confessing that I cheated - but I still tell them about WLS anyhow because
I believe in this solution. I guess old demons never die.
— Allie B.
June 5, 2001
Okay--i must say now that i am pre-op so my opinions may change. I am only
twenty-five and most of my friends are just out of college or grad school
and wear size 8's. One is as big as me. I told them that i was going to
have this done and even gave the larger one this site to look at. They
told em I was so young and had never "really" tried to lose
weight. I fought them about it for one week with documentation and tones of
sites on her. The just kept saying, "that is so sad, those people have
no willpower and want the easy way out" I cried that day. Over the
next week they brought me diets and suggested i see a therapist to deal
with my problem with food. Thanks to you guys on here, i have a group of
people that can understand and our sooo supportive. I decided to just shut
my mouth. I told them a few days ago that they were right. I let my family
know my decision and my lil sis is going to do it with me. I decided that
it was hurting me more to try to convince them and listen to them try to
change my mind. I WILL keep it a secret. As a lose, hopefully 140 pounds I
will just smile and say, "yeah, that diet really worked"
— Courtney W.
June 5, 2001
I understand what Courtney is saying. I am one week away from having my
Open RNY, I am 26 yrs old. My friends are all very small, and are
sometimes quite cruel to me about my weight. I question why I am even
friends with them at times. I also come from a family on my fathers side
who are VERY large. They feel that being 'big' is just part of my genes
and I need to deal with it. The other side of the family is small, yet I
hear "you have such a pretty face, IF you would only lose
weight." I am pre-op, but I have read enough info, researched enough
issues and I know that each and every one of us who have/will have this
surgery deserve to lose this excess weight. I will be so restricted from
large amounts of food, and I am completely changing my life style. Potato
chips and ice cream are a thing of the past. I don't care if my body can
tolerate them or not, I am taking this "TOOL" seriously.
Therefore, I will not listen to people in my life or on the street tell me
that I lost this weight ONLY because of this surgery. I will work very
hard to lose this weight, I want the credit. I can't say that it won't
come out someday, if an obese person asked me how I lost the weight, I
would probably tell them, but as for now, I know I would not get the
support I really need.
— Robin L. J.
June 5, 2001
I have chosen to tell only a few select people prior to my surgery and then
will share the good news and educate afterwards. Right now I don't want to
spend all my time and attention on educating people (particularly negative
people). I would rather spend my time preparing myself for surgery and
getting to the other side!!
— Debbi C.
June 5, 2001
I tell everyone who will listen! Seriously , I have been given the greatest
gift since the birth of my children. I once had someone refer to it as
"elective surgery" with the scarcasm in their voice of saying I
was having a wart removed. I said in a loud and angry voice
"elective?I guess I should "elect to just die in my sleep".
They never used that tone of voice with me again and even made me soup
while I was recovering!!I'm 51 yrs. old and I guess I feel either join me
in my joy or get out of my face. I don't have time for anyone who would put
me down just to make themselves feel better. I don't brag about my weight
loss or throw it in anyone's face , but I believe by me being open and
honest about it I can help others who are suffering from this horrible
disease.I wish I had known about it sooner . But had it not been for others
who were willing to share there experience with me, I would have never know
the joy I know today.Eric,Barb,Victoria,Michelle so many brave souls. Thank
you all.
— Rose A.
June 5, 2001
I really enjoyed reading the Question and all the responses to it. I am
Pre-op and I have not told anyone about my surgery and don't plan on doing
so, Because i feel this is a very personal thing. Plus i come from a long
line of very opionated people and i dont feel the need to defend myself or
engage in debates over MY life. I know several post-op friends who feel
like many others and shout it from the roof tops and i say good for them.
I would surely tell someone in need of the surgery about it, only if they
came to me. But as for the rest of the world I figured what i have done to
change my life is of no concern of theirs. One other thing, about not
telling making obesity not a disease, When the crack addict walks out of
rehab clean and doesnt tell a soul about what he has been through the
public doesnt question him and addiction is still a disease, When a women
goes into a store a buys for the first time a prostetic bra she needs
because of breast cancer and she faces life like normal again that doesnt
mean her disease isnt real. So I really don't think me not telling about
my surgery means obesity isn't a very real disease to me or my doctors.
— Holly R.
June 5, 2001
Here's my answer to this question - I hope I don't get too long winded. (I
am pre-op, waiting on approval). My mother is the PERFECT example of why I
have not told a lot of people about this surgery. I agree with another who
said it might change AFTER surgery but for now this is how I feel. A
couple of years ago, my mother and I were killing some time together on a
Sunday afternoon. We had gone to the grocery store and when I was checking
out I bought a tabloid newspaper. There was a story in this tabloid about
a woman who had wls. I think she was almost 500lbs. She had the surgery
in the early 80's (this is all from memory so don't quote me on the exact
details), and I am not exactly sure what surgery she had BUT she was VERY
successful. She had lost all of her weight and was very skinny. However,
she had severe side effects. She could not eat without having severe
diahrea. She talked in the article about how debilitating it was. She was
never able to eat out, wasn't able to hold a job, it was hard maintaining
an intimate relationship, she developed hemmorhoids, etc. (AGAIN, I DO NOT
REMEMBER WHAT SURGERY SHE HAD.) She ended up having the surgery reversed
and she gained all of her weight back. My mother and I were horrified -
which I am sure was the desired affect of the article. We wondered why
someone would even consider a surgery such as this - an awful price to pay
for being skinny. Okay, get the point? This is the opinion we were given
reading the article. Fast forward to 1999 and Carnie Wilson. We heard
about Carnie getting this operation (again, not knowing anything about the
surgery itself - just remembering about reading about the lady in the
tabloid magazine). Is Carnie crazy? How can she live a normal life if
she's going to spend it in the toilet?? A year later, I see her success
story printed in several magazines, she's on Oprah, etc. She's not talking
about any HORRIBLE side effects like that woman. I got to her website.
Read a little more. Found this website. Read alot more. Educated myself.
Learned all there was to learn (if that's possible!) and decided it was
something that I could do. Talked to my parents, explained wls the best I
could. Know what Mom said? Why would you want to poop all the time? I
had spent about 45 minutes telling her about the complications, side
effects, benefits, risks, dumping syndrome. She listened to none of it.
She's stuck on that article she read three years ago about a woman who had
surgery almost 20 years ago. Bottom line - people have formed their
opinions about this surgery. If it doesn't apply to them, they have
selective hearing, memory...it just isn't worth the time. Another perfect
example about my mother. She has been on me to try another diet before I
make this decision (I know my mother loves me and she is scared for me, I
UNDERSTAND HER FEARS) but she keeps saying, "you've lost weight
before, I know you can do it again". HELLO MOM? HAVE YOU SEEN ME
LATELY? I have lost weight before. I agree with that statement. I've
lost about 400lbs in my lifetime BUT I've also gained about 650lbs in my
lifetime. She chooses not to see that side of it. Just knows that if I
lose this weight I would be able to keep it off this time. That's why I am
considered morbidly obese. I've been a dieting success. Sorry, it did get
long winded.
— Karen B.
June 5, 2001
Nope, can't stay out of this one. I am pre-op and have taken my share of
abuse about this "cheating, easy way out". I understand not
telling people ahead of time. I still haven't told my grandparents and
won't till I see them next December when I hope it'll show. I have to say
that when you tell people that your weight loss came from changing habits
and leave it at that, you DO perpetuate the myth. How many times do I have
to hear about so and so who did such and such and it worked SOooooo well.
I have to wonder, how many people have kept this a secret and are now being
thrown in my face? It's not the same as buying a prosthetic bra and
keeping it quiet. Nobody accuses a woman of having small breasts by choice
or through lack of will power. The question isn't whether or not obesity
is a disease, the question is what is an effective cure. If just diet and
exercise was such a great cure, well, we'd all be on the diet web sites,
not having surgery. Do people who've had surgery to remove a breast claim
that they cured their cancer through diet and exercise? I understand not
wanting to fight or bring your personal details to the world. I think a
more honest answer is to tell someone it's not their business or that you
aren't comfortable discussing it rather than lead them to believe that you
magically found the diet and exercise answer. Ok, stepping off soap box
now.
— kcanges
June 5, 2001
I personally told everyone that I was having the surgery and my mom told
everybody, and my brother, etc. I have taked to dozens of people about my
upcoming surgery and I have yet to get a negative response. I have had some
concerned questions, but nothing negative. I feel that it is my duty to
inform anyone that asks about the surgery, maybe it will help them or their
loved one. Most people DON'T know that some insurance will cover it.
Personally, it is more embarassing being morbidly obese than having to
result to surgery (just my opinion).
— imano1momy
June 5, 2001
I've chosen not to tell people about it. Quite frankly, I consider it no
one else's business. Those who do know are people in the process
themselves, my close friend, my husband, and my mother-in-law in England.
That's it. I put a great deal of thought into having this surgery.
Frankly, I'm not interested in hearing about people's cousin Millie who
lost "lots of weight" just by exercising, nor do I wish to
entertain questions about, "How much do you have to lose?"
"How much do you weigh, then? I don't expect most men to tell me
about their prostate surgeries, nor most women to tell me about surgery for
abortion, hysterectomies, etc. It's personal, it's private, and just isn't
something at this stage that I think most people need to know.
— CaseyinLA
June 5, 2001
Big difference between this surgery and an abortion... I am still at the
point where I get tears in my eyes when I see someone struggling to get
through the door or turnstyle or into a car or the theater seat. If someone
asks, I will tell. I am proud that I had the courgage to follow through
with this and it opens up many doors for people that don't realize this is
an option and what it can do for you. Also that it is successful. I am the
one that people are going to say..." I know a woman that had WLS and
she looks amazing!"
— S S.
June 5, 2001
I think one distinction needs to be made here. I've seen comments about
how we should tell others because they may not have heard about it and it
could help them. I choose not to tell my coworkers about this surgery
because of the insensitive and uneducated comments they make. However, I
will tell my obese coworkers and ask them for their confidentialty. I
choose not to tell right now because like Debbie C...i don't want to expend
the energy and time educating the entire world. When I'm ready, I may let
everyone know...i may not. Right now, my immediately family, and best
friend knows. That's it because that's all I can handle right now. But I
won't hold information on this back from those in my same situation. It's a
touchy thing, even some obese people get offended when you try and share
this information with them. So my strategy will be for those who are obese
and ask me how I'm losing the weight. I will be forthcoming and tell them
and ask for their confidentialty. For others who ask my response will be
that I had to make some very serious changes in my life and thanks for
noticing and excuse myself. Whatever decision someone choose - to tell or
not, they should not be condemned or ridiculed, dealing with other people's
prejudice is a very personal thing.
— [Deactivated Member]
June 5, 2001
I am still waiting for the insurance to clear. I am only letting those
people that I know are positive and full of faith know about my desire for
the surgery. I will wait for a month or two after the surgery before I
make it public knowledge. My reasoning is that prior to the surgery I
don't want to hear all the negatives from good but unknowledgeable people.
I have researched and am confident in it. I will wait the one or two
months after for almost the same reason. The difference will then show
both in my better health and weight loss. That is my input.
— David R. R.
June 7, 2001
I got to thinking about this question and I think it's really two different
things, sort of before and after. It's one thing to not tell before hand,
and honestly I not only understand that, I support it. If you aren't
prepared for or just don't want the negativity, then by all means, keep it
to yourself and those you trust. I think all of us have to be discreet
pre-op for our own peace of mind. However, after you've lost a lot of
weight, it's a different story. If someone asks a direct question and you
lie about or omit the surgery from your answer, I think that's
unfortunate. I still understand it, but it bothers me for the reasons I
stated in my last post. I'm not sure which of these questions Sara was
asking about, the before or after but I wanted to clarify my response. I
definitely think that before the surgery people should think twice before
talking about it. Thanks
— kcanges
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