Question:
Do many people divorce after WLS when their marriages have been troubled.
I am 43, married 22 years with one grown son. I realize my obesity has contributed to the troubles in my marriage ie.. no sex,cuddling,affection and very little communication. I suspect that because of my resentment towards my husband for not even trying, that after I lose a lot of weight..I'll have enough self esteem to move on. There is no one else.. but, even at this weight, I don't have to hunt for male attention. Is there anyone else experiencing this? Did your intimacy in your marriage return after your surgery? or Did you just choose to move on? — Joy Z. (posted on August 25, 2000)
August 25, 2000
I chose to move on!!!
— Sharon T.
August 25, 2000
I think one of the reasons my marriage ended was because of my weight. Not
so much how I look, but how I can't do a lot of the fun things I used to
do. My husband loves the outdoors, camping, hiking, but these things are
near impossible for me to do. We had no problems in the intimacy
department and I always thought we had a very good marriage, but he met
someone else who was able to do the recreational things with him that I
couldn't. We are in the midst of a divorce. I haven't had surgery yet,
but I wonder sometimes if it would have saved my marriage had I known about
it sooner. I guess I will never know.
— Keri A.
August 25, 2000
I jhave not had my surgery yet, but I am divorced and remarried. I left my
ex just for those reasons. If all he wanted was a prom queen on his arm he
needed to look elsewhere, even when i lost down to 170 he did nothing but
criticize, that does nothing for self esteem. I lost him and when I did i
lost 180lbs of dead weight. If a man does not love you for who and what
you are how could i even want to "make love" to him after I got
myself to a size that other people noticed how attractive i am he had me
loved with me and if he did not take the time to know ME I sure did not
want to waste any more time on him. My husband now is very supportive,
very loving and i am encouraged to do this for me, not him. See he truely
loves me because he took the time to get to know me and fell in love with
ME not a size 8 or 10. This is only my opinion so please no one get angry
for me expressing it. If a man wants you only for what you can do for him
in bed and to make him look good when on his arm.....make yourself look a
whole lot better without him. Find some one that loves you not a BARBIE.
Good Luck Girl, have your surgery and knock them dead.
— emma lavonne G.
August 25, 2000
My surgeon said that 50% or more of his patients wind up divorcing after
surgery. Even ones "they thought would never separate." It's
such a concern they include it in the inital consult where they highly
suggest the spouce attend.
— [Deactivated Member]
August 25, 2000
Joy, I did end up divorced after my RNY in '96. I had not been happy for
a while, but my husband loved me, and I was scared of never finding that
love again. After losing weight, and regaining my self esteem, I LEFT. He
told me that as long as he could see my face in the mornings he would be
happy. But, I couldn't live that way. He deserved someone who would love
him the way he loved me. He has since remarried, and I am remarried also.
So much changes after WLS, so it's hard to tell you how you will end up. I
can only hope that things turn out the way YOU want them to. My WLS also
told me that atleast 50% of his patients came back, within the 1st year,
divorced, or pregnant. So, I guess divorce is really a big thing after
WLS. I do wish you luck with whatever you decide!
— Shelly T.
August 25, 2000
I had my VBG in 1984 and lost 170 lbs, I was 25 years old at the time and
had been married since I was 18. I was obese all of my married life. My
husband was very supportive of me and treated me very well...he was a good
man, but the problem was I was never really in love with him. When I lost
all the weight and was wearing a size 12, I left him. All the attention I
received from everyone, especially men was overwhelming. I had such low
self esteem for so long, that the NEW attention was something I craved. I
think you need to keep yourself emotionally in check and grounded. The
after effects of surgery are great...but can be detrimental to a marriage,
especially if it is on rocky grounds. Some women use this as a way to get
out. I am married again today and do not forsee this happening. I love my
husband with all my heart and look forward to sharing a life with him thin.
We used to do so many things together that I can no longer do......like
dancing several times a week, bike riding, etc. Those days have been on
hold with all this weight. I look forward to a renewed life with him. My
first husband put up with all my fat and was good to me and when I got a
chance, I left...I always felt bad about that. Today he is remarried and
happy and I am too. I will always feel a lump in my throat when I think of
how I left him when things got GOOD for me (skinny). Just be careful if
you are in love with your husband and enjoy your new life with him.
— Terry M.
August 27, 2000
I am beginning the approval process for this surgery and I have wondered
how it will effect my marriage. My husband has been an angel -- supportive
(despite his trepidations) and encouraging; He said, "If this will
help you live longer, healthier and happier, I'm all for it". But I
know that, once I've shed the majority of this weight, I will NOT be the
same 300 lb woman he married -- My goals, my outlook, my hopes/dreams, SO
MUCH will change as my world expands again. I will discover a new me, a
new sexuality, a new LIFE... and to ensure that he experiences these
changes and grows WITH me, explores and discovers WITH me, we have agreed
to start counseling early on, and meet these changes together. It only
stands to reason, you will be closest to the one you share the most with,
and while I cannot guarantee the outcome -- I can't predict all the changes
I'll experience -- I hope to keep him with me, a part of them, throughout
this learning experience. But on one other note, I will share a couple of
mind-sets and theories with you that I have often used when making a
decision in my life: There is a price you pay for every choice you make,
and sometimes that price comes with more than one pay-up, and at a steeper
sacrifice than we ever realized. While it's true, the older we get, the
less forgiving of our mistakes life becomes, divorce isn't a win/lose
proposition -- It's a lose/lose outcome, with the losses divided as evenly
as possible. Don't get me wrong; There are some abusive, destructive
marriages out there that really should be dissolved, but I also think too
many find it too easy to chuck the commitment because it's simply EASIER to
divorce than WORK on the relationship -- And at the best you can manage, a
marriage is 20% emotion, but 80% commitment. However, you will get out of
your marriage what you put into it -- Good luck!
— Michelle F.
August 27, 2000
This is my second marriage and I've wondered on more than one occasion if
it can withstand my weight loss. I met my husband when I weighed 300 lbs
(3 years ago) and he is quite overweight himself, about 340 lbs. As I
gained more weight over the past few years and my health, and self esteem,
steadily became worse our social life pretty much grounded to a halt and we
began spending just about all of our free time in front of the TV. Well,
I've lost 85 lbs so far and feel great! I'm not happy sitting in front of
the TV anymore....I want to LIVE! I want to clean the house and do
yardwork and go places! He won't even consider WLS because he says he can
lose the weight himself. Well, he hasn't lost much yet and now my energy
level far suprasses his. He comes home from work and lays down on the
couch to watch TV, sometimes for 9 hours straight. I've told him where I
see this heading and he says he's trying to lose weight. He has been very
supportive of my weight loss even to the point of walking with me four
times a week or so in the five months since having my surgery. He's
usually very encouraging. But, there are times when he tries to talk me
out of walking because he's tired, or his knee hurts, or his hip hurts,
etc. I keep reminding him that those things hurt because of his weight and
the sooner he gets it off the sooner he'll feel better. I hope it doesn't
come down to the point of choosing between him and losing weight because
losing weight and getting my life back will win. I guess only time will
tell.
— Kellie L.
June 10, 2001
My husband and I had had many problems before my WLS. I chose to go through
with it even though he wasn't so sure. I was safe when I was so overweight
I couldn't move or get out and do anything. I got a HUGE attitude change
after the surgery. My marriage went to hell, but I wouldn't change my
decision of having this surgery for a second. After I lost about 40 lbs my
husband wouldn't touch me anymore. There was no reason for it, he said, he
was just ''too tired''. My libido went through the roof and I didn't know
what to do. I was getting alot of attention from other men all the sudden
and it was very confusing. (kind of felt like a second puberty!) Lots of
sex drive and no outlet. When our marriage was in trouble before, I
weighed about 300 lbs and was too tired and miserable to even think about
leaving. Especially with a year old baby. Well things have changed. I'm
leaving and I'm happy with the decision. I think it all depends on your own
state of mind and what you're willing to do. This surgery DOES change more
than your weight. God Bless you and keep you safe. You'll make the right
decision for YOU.
— Melissa K.
October 9, 2001
This is a highly complex, complicated issue with no clear cut answers..BUT,
in a nutshell, I can say that I am going to be going through a divorce,
which is very hurtful to me, because I didnt fully realize that this
surgery changed ME..not other people. I lost weight and upset the status
quo, and the implied "power" he had over me. I hinged ALL my self
worth and self esteem on him. He never really thought I would lose the
weight and now everything has "shifted". I thought he would
magically be attracted to me, hot for me, complimentary, etc. Nope. He is
threatened and wants to make sure I dont get TOO proud of myself or
something. God forbid I should have to SHARE mirror space with HIM! ( he is
very VERY nice looking). Sigh. Its sad. I get no attention from him, just
strangers, which I never wanted . I wanted HIM to want/need/love me . I was
220 when we met and balooned to 295 in 2 years. We had a lot of problems.
Now I am 255 and losing....In the back of my mind I still feel like he will
fall in love with me when I am 160 or so, but a leopard cant change his
spots. I never wanted to feel "guilty" for having surgery and
wanting to look and FEEL better!He seems to feel I could have done it on my
own with diet and exercise even though he saw them fail repeatedly. With
some men, you just cant win, apparently! Thanks for listening. Lisa in NY
— Lisa G.
October 16, 2001
I had an Open RNY 6/29/2000. Prior to surgery, I was unhappy, unactive
sexually and at the end of my rope. My marriage had been on the rocks
pretty much from the start. I had no desire for my husband and he was
unwilling to go to counseling with me to try to work through that problem.
His answer to my requests was always "it's your problem, YOU work it
out". Well, about 11 months after surgery and 100# weight loss, I met
a man who was everything my husband was NOT....CARING, SUPPORTIVE,
ATTENTIVE, ATTRACTIVE...you name it, he has it. After meeting him, I took
a step back and looked at my life and said to myself "Self, do you
foresee things EVER getting better with your husband?" and the answer
was "no" so I filed for divorce and now, I'm engaged to the
wonderful man that came into my life and showed me what it COULD and WILL
be like. The one thing I would like to leave you with is that life is too
short. If you are doubting anything in your marriage before surgery, it
isn't going to go away after surgery. The problem will STILL be
there....surgery won't fix it. So, be prepared for changes that you don't
expect!
— [Anonymous]
March 5, 2002
I had my surgery Nov 8th 2000, and todate have lost an incredible 190
pounds! My 2nd marriage of 26 years was in trouble long before my
surgery...For the last 13 years, I have lived a life of celebacy. My
husband has not performed from lack of williness and medical reasons. I
have been the faithful wife....and have put my life on hold long enough.
Yes, I have had several offers...the last one I really wanted to
accept...but I am such a "committed" person, and was brought up
very penecostal..and was married in the Catholic church...I run around with
a huge "G" on my forehead for "guilt"...and I have done
nothing but be faithful!! (But I have had thoughts of leaving) I was
always afraid that If I complained of not having any sex in this lifetime,
that "GOD" would send me back in my next life as a hooker...and I
really don't want that! I know that by now you must be thinking I am a
real dog...maybe with no looks...but quite the opposite...I have just let a
life of faithfulness over power my own thoughts that I may be worthy of a
life of my own...I am now enrolled in personal coaching...to help me sort
out all of these feelings..but I am moving on...I will not be a victim of
any more guilt...I remember seeing the statics of divorcing after WLS being
near 42%...I tried not to become another statistic...but you reach a point
that you are just to tired to care anymore...
— fvanloo
Click Here to Return