Question:
Anyone not know who they are anymore?
I am having a hard time lately with emotional issues, I have lost 115 pounds, and everyone says how great I look, and I guess that I thought that if the weight was gone that I would just "poof" feel better about everything, and the fact is, I am just an emotional mess, I don't know who I am, or who I ever was, does anyone else deal with this as well. What did you do about it? — sheri H. (posted on December 29, 2004)
December 29, 2004
I haven't experienced this...I'm just 4 weeks post op, however this could
be a big problem. Perhaps you should call your doctor for a referral to
speak with someone who may be certified to counsel people with eating
disorders or who have worked with people who had huge weightloss. Good
luck.
— Hypnocutie Cha CHa
December 29, 2004
I am 8 months PO. I am dealing with this too. Its hard. I am handling it
by looking at my life and wondering what the heck to do! I started by
attacking every closet in the house and tossing/donating everything that
was junk, clutter, had negative memories or just didn't serve a purpose
anymore! That was very uplifting! Then I walked into each room, made a
sharp right at the entry and purged everything I wanted that fit my get rid
of it criteria! Less clutter, more able to think!! Weird how that worked!
Then after doing that I cleaned, spring cleaned, cleaned like my grandma
cleaned!!! Even moved the fridge, washed the walls! Everything! I still
don't know who I am, but somehow home feels more like a sanctuary and isn't
as cluttered and messy as my mind anymore!!!
— Dedicated
December 29, 2004
Ahhhhh ... you are coming to the emotional wall of self realization that
all morbidly obese folks are faced with - particularly those that have been
so for a long time. The fact of the matter is, that the reason why we are
(were) morbidly obese for the most part had nothing to do with how much we
ate. Why we ate was much more important. WLS is a tool that only deals with
the physical weightloss. It does nothing to correct the mental issues so
many of us have. One of the reasons why we have to have a psych eval at the
beginning of the journey. You have tackled 1/2 of the problem by losing the
physical weight, now it is time to work on the mental weight. Get support
from online groups. Many start seeing a therapist to help you work through
the issues. Good Luck!!!!
(and yes, I am exactly in the same boat you are. <G>)
— coffenut
December 29, 2004
GREAT QUESTION!!! I have felt the same way many times. My body doesn't
really feel like it belongs to me, It is a stranger's body. Many of the
same issues with food haunt me. i am struggling to overcome my emotional
connection to food to be able to view it in a strictly utilitarian way but
Not possible so far. losing weight only changes your weight and improves
your physical health. If you have a crappy marriage, job, life, coping
mechanism, it is all waiting for you to deal with thin too. I know too many
people who think it is only about the weight and that if they lost weight
everything would be perfect. If that were true we wouldn't really need a
support group.
— **willow**
December 29, 2004
I'm over 3 years post-op and I FINALLY am starting to see myself as others
see me. But it's also as the other posters said - you still have the SAME
problems that you did when you were fight. They have to be dealt with. I
think that psychological counseling during but more particularily after
you've lost the weight should be mandatory. There are reasons that we got
to be fat in the first place and those issues have to be dealt with so we
don't fall back into our old habits.
— Patty H.
December 29, 2004
Get the to a counselor NOW! I speak from total experience. I lost approx.
200 lbs back in 94/95 only to end up regaining it all over the next 8 years
and end up having WLS. I started out to lose the weight for all the right
reasons - to live. I thought I would not live past 40 because of my weight
and at 33 decided that maybe I wanted to live past 40. So I went cold
turkey, dumped the donuts and started walking. I lost the weight in about
13 months. I did it the right way - eating 1200 healthy calories and tons
of exercise. No fad diets or liquids etc. However, at about 11 months I
started in with depression. I started seeing a counselor and it took quite
a while, like a few years, for me to sort through a bunch of crap. I also
was on depression meds during this time. All I can tell you is life was
hell for about 4-5 years but I truly believe I needed to go through it to
get to where I am at today. By the time I chose WLS I knew who I was and
had no visions of losing weight fixing everything in my life. I knew what
the issues were and had accepted or fixed them. It sure made my process
through the WLS and recovery a lot better.
<p>If you don't start to get a handle on the depression soon it will
just likely grow. You don't want to end up sabotaging your wonderful WL
because of uncontrolled depression and issues in your life that are
manageable. Depression and be situational or chemical or a combination.
Either way it needs treatment. Start with your PCP and if he or she
doesn't want to deal with it then ask for a referral to a psychiatrist -
they are the medication experts in this area. Call your insurance and find
a counselor. Call around and see who is available and who you might click
with based on their treatment style. If after a few sessions you don't
click with that person, so to someone else. It is important you find
someone you can learn to trust. I was totally comfortable with my first
counselor from the start yet it took me 9 months to spill my guts on the
biggest thing that was bothering me. It took a few years to totally put
that issue to bed. It used to once in a while crop up again, but now it's
in the past where it belongs. Take the first step!
— zoedogcbr
December 29, 2004
Yes, I understand your confusion because I am right there with you!! When
I was fat, I was a skinny person trapped inside a fat body. Now, after
surgery, I'm a fat person trapped inside a skinny body!! Go figure! I'm
not sure who I am anymore and the roles that always worked before, don't.
I'm sorting through this stuff and would agree with the other posters, go
get some counseling. Once you lose weight, people (meaning the general
public) treat you totally different. (Actually, friends treat you
different also, but that does seem to level out and most of my friends are
just happy for me now) I never realized how different you are treated
being overweight. It is truly sad because I am the same person thin as
overweight and yet, now that I'm thin, I am worthy of being treated better.
If I really think about it, it makes me sooo mad. It is amazing to me the
attention that I get now and I don't always know how to handle it. But,
I've decided that I will not make any rash decisions about anything in my
life until I have come to terms with myself. You have to adjust to who you
are and resolve whatever issues you had before losing weight. We do tend
to get caught up into the "if I lose weight, my life will be
perfect" syndrome and that just isn't how it is. Yes, some things are
easier, but ultimately whatever issues where there before are still there
now. I do think the cleaning that the one poster did is very beneficial
because it is a physical representation for the emotional turmoil in your
life. It is a control issue, you cannot control your emotions, so you
control your environment which makes you feel empowered and able to deal
with the emotions. Anyway, good luck and know that you are not alone!!
Tina
— tmchase62
December 30, 2004
I can relate to your extreme emotional issues. Our situation is very
complex - physiological, pscyological, social. Aftercare programs should
include psychotherapy and pscyhiatry. But most do not.
Contact your personal healthcare provider and run - do not walk - to your
nearest psychologist.
Good Luck!
— susan D.
December 30, 2004
In all honesty, and not to be too depressing, I miss the jolly fat girl
that I once was...when I was MO it was easy to blame what ever issues I had
(mainly lack of a love life) on that. And now, what am I left with? Just
me. I feel as if I've lost the layer of protection between me and the
world, and a lot of my ability to laugh no matter what. While I suppose
it's better to at least be in the game of life, I feel very vunerable these
days, and at times wish I had my weight back. Don't know if anyone else
can relate to these feelings, but this is where I am right now. Perhaps
the pyschiatrist who initially denied me the surgery knew something I
didn't....Anyway, I wish you all happiness in 2005.
— rebeccamayhew
December 30, 2004
I am going thru this as we speak. But not only am I an emotional mess but
everyone around me makes it worse, So my next step is to go see a
counselor. These feelings I'm having are normal to me, but everyone else is
my life thinks I'm not the same person I was before. And that I am
heartless now. So, if you need to talk to someone who is going thru the
same thing...e-mail me
— Becca X.
December 30, 2004
Sheri, You know who you are and always have. It is those around you that
don't know how to take you anymore. I was depressed before I had the
surgery, I am 3 months post op and down 100 lbs. People treat me
differently. I still have about 140 lbs. to go and I know that it will
make a bigger difference than it already has. You are the same person,
just with changes. I take antidepressants and mood stabilizers and see
both a shrink and a counselor. I would recommend that you talk to someone.
It is a big change and we are also trying to find our place, its much
smaller than it used to be, but go slowly. Remind yourself like I do,
everytime I get down, that I chose this road I am on and I will just have
to go down it. Don't dwell on the changes, just move forward, and find
somebody to talk to professionally. Ask at the surgeon's office, they
should be able to point you in the direction of a counselor that deals with
people that have made big changes in their life and are at loose ends
because of it. Good luck to you and put your trust in yourself and your
God and you will be fine. Email me if you want [email protected].
— imdebbie
December 31, 2004
I really commiserate with you! I am 10 months post-op and down 167lbs and
trying to slow the weight loss train down! A few months ago I went into
serious 'panic' mode. I did not know who I was or how to act or what to do
with myself. I did see a counselor but only for 2 sessions( she was like
an old hippy and I could NOT relate) but I also got on an anti-depressant
which helped alot! I had to think about what style of clothes I liked
instead of just buying whatever covered me best. I have had to deal with a
lot of attention from men. I felt like I was on show all the time. I got
tired of everyone exclaiming how great I looked. It is nice most of the
time but I have never handled compliments well. I was always clean and well
groomed and dressed as a large woman so why make such a fuss? I am the
same now at 140lbs as I was at 319lbs but people treat me so different. I
guess I am a bit different in the fact that I do not put up with the crap I
used to. I am more reserved and quiet now. I have a great marriage and
wonderful husband who respects me more now, and I respect myself more now,
too.
I knew all the pitfalls to look for regarding this surgery but was not
prepared for my reactions to these pitfalls. I liken it to being a
parent...you can read all the books and hear all the stories but until you
become a parent you cannot fully appreciate all the knowledge you have
acquired. It is trial and error. Some things work for some but not for
others. I had to do a lot of soul searching and a lot of praying. I still
don't see myself the way others do but am told it will catch up to me
eventually.
this is truly a wonderful journey! Discovering who we are and best of all
who we can be. Best of luck to you. Get help when you need it and be
patient with yourself. You are changing in so many ways and it takes time.
God bless!
— pickle lady
January 5, 2005
Hi, I am 3 1/2 years post op, and somedays, many, I too don't know who I
am. I have sat down, with myself, don't have the money for counseling, and
really tried to analyze what it is that I'm doing. You see as a Obese
person I hid who I was, I mean my family knew my personality, but I hid who
I was, what I really wanted, and wanted to to do, or be to everyone else.
I lived in a fantasy world for over 12 years living out my life in my mind,
while I dwelled in this huge body that could never do what I do today. Well
after I lost the weight I was like a kid in a candy store, I went nuts, and
still am, ha ha, about life, which sounds nice, but in reality isn't. I
wanted to make up for 12 years all at once. I went out, started school,
started working, trying to be a person, and not the hermit I was. But
others started seeing me as someone who did not know what I wanted. I was
and still am to a point very spuratic (sp)? I go from one thing to
another, trying to either fill a void, or doing something I never have, or
who knows. I wake up, and sometimes feel my life is a mess. I did go to
one school, and actually finished it, but job wise, I am a jumper, pick up
friends and then drop them, have changed my style over and over again, pick
up hobbies, and the drop those too. I graduated with a degree, but can't
pick a profession, I still go back and forth. I did get a divorce through
my post op days, and my changes, and my real self coming out had something
to do with that, I admit. But honestly I have days where, I regeret having
the surgery. Not because I don't like being thinner, it has noting to do
with that. Losing weight is just one aspect of this whole process, I feel
most of it is mental. I regret it at times because I am so spuratic, as a
obese person I knew my role, I had routine, I was soooo routine, to the
point that I went to the same stores, the same gas station, the same
everything, driving routes, etc.... What I am doing about it, well like
you, there are those days. I am really trying to settle down, and realize
that who I was isn't me anymore. I try not to dwell on the past. I also
try not to dwell to much on the future. I am so trying to accept my new
self without going overboard, but it is a process, that I think will be
forever going. I am almost 4 years out and still discovering who I am. I
would if I were you, get counseling with someone who has dealt with WLS
patients. If I had the money I would also. Good luck to you, and wish you
the best.
— Carey N.
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