Question:
If married to a big spouse and you had WLS and spouse won't...

I'm not in this situation, but I was wondering about it. If your spouse is against WLS but you've been successful with it, does this strain a marriage? How would two partners go on? Any long termers 2+ yrs or more in this situation and still together?    — jocelyn (posted on July 23, 2004)

July 23, 2004
I'm only a little over a year out from surgery. I've lost 125lbs. My husband is a "big" man. He is against the surgery for himself but, was very supportive of me, and still is. He was very hesitant when I first decided to have WLS, he was scared and nervous. But he knew this was something I wanted very much. It has not put a strain on our marriage at all. In fact, I think it has strengthened it. I enjoy intimacy more now. I dress better, sexier. I think he was afraid that I would get all gorgeous and thin I would leave him. That's not going to happen. He's my best friend and the love of my life. We went through major struggles in the years before the surgery and got through it. We will be married 20yrs in Oct and have been together since 1978. I don't know what I'd do without him in my life. And never want to find out. I think if you have a strong foundation, nothing can topple it. If there are weaknesses in a marriage or relationship before surgery, then that can possibly be a breaking point. I was lucky to have a wonderfully supportive family through my whole experience.
   — KellyJeanB

July 24, 2004
Like she says, it all depends on your relationship beforehand. I was thin when I married my husband, who usually is at 240-250 around 6'1". He stood by me as I ballooned to 255. He even asked about it for himself but his BMI is nowhere close to being a possibility. He needs to drop 40 pounds which will help a lot of his health difficulties, ie. cardiac with a stent, diabetes and heavy duty snoring. I don't bug him, but support him in his efforts, reminding him how these same health problems affected his mom and other family members. I am NOT a nag at all. He supported me, and I am there for him.
   — Fixnmyself

July 24, 2004
I think it comes down to the people in the relationship. Some couples can handle one of the individuals losing a lot of weight, some cave into jealousy and resentment. My husband used to be a big guy. Two years ago he weighed over 400 lbs at 6'2. Through excerise, restricting his calories and shear will power he was able to get down to around 230. To be honest, I was jealous at first. It took me a while to get used to the "new" him. Losing close to 200 lbs changes a person, we both had to accept the changes that it brought to our relationship. There are still times when it is hard. Women flirt with him all time now, I have to remind myself that he loves me and would never give in to other tempations. Sometimes I am resentful of his sucess, but he deserves all the recognition he receives. He worked really hard to get where he is. Above all though, he is a daily motivator for me. So this year its my turn. I am hoping to have the surgery in the fall. Of course I worry about how my weight loss will affect us, but I think given our past experiences with this we will come through ok. Its scary,especially when you read and hear about people going through divorces following the surgery.
   — Sarah S.

July 24, 2004
My surgeon dr philip schauer a word leader in WLS told me and Jen my wife after her surgery.... He was happy to see we both had surgery because almost invaribly when one spouse gets WLS and the other doesnt the couple ends up divorced. <P> I dont believe this info should be a deal breaker when deciding to get WLS, The spouse might change their mind, have a health crisis and go ahead with surgery. sorry to be the bearer of bad news......
   — bob-haller

July 24, 2004
My husband has a BMI around 52 but isn't considering WLS for himself. He has been a fantastic support for me though from day 1. I am 21 months post op and feel that our relationship is even better (we're married 15 years in October). I take better care of myself, dress better, I'm happier, less tired and much less cranky. I think it depends on the type of people in the relationship though. My husband has never let his weight get in the way of him doing things, and fortunately, he doesn't have any weight related health problems. He's not intimidated by asking for a seat belt extender where I would have chosen not to get on an airplane. I didn't want to be seen in public, he feels it's the other person's problem if they are offended by his weight. If a couple has relationship problems to begin with, you'll have the same problems after the weight loss. A big change though is when we go on vacation, I want to go on hiking and activity-based trips and he's more into the sightseeing stuff. That's OK, I just make sure there's a fitness center in the hotel.
   — Yolanda J.

July 26, 2004
My husband is large and never has considered surgery for himself. He does most of the cooking and grocery shopping for our family and yes it does pose lots of challenges for our marriage. I never made it to my personal goal and I am over 2 years post op. I do not dump. He also loves to go out to eat at buffets. The bottom line is that I am responsible for what I eat. I cant blame him, for my lack of will power. I still manage to maintain over 100 lb loss. I would love to lose at least 50 more lbs, but with my current eating habits and lack of exercise it is not going to happen. I feel fortunate that i do not over eat at meals, I can stop after 1 serving. For health reasons, I am diabetic, I have to do better with carbs. Other than not seeing eye to eye on food and exercise topics, our marriage is pretty great. No marriage is perfect of course. I realized a long time ago, that I can not force my husband to change his eating habits for me. I can only take care of myself, and make the right choices for myself, it's not like he is standing over me forcing me to eat. He is happy for me and the fact that I am much healthier because of my weight loss.
   — SARose61