Question:
How do you deal with the opinions of others post op
I am 7 months postop open rny and in the beginning I looked forward to seeing the reactions of others as the weight fell off but it was short lived and now all I hear is "you dont need to lose anymore weight", "you wont look right if you get any smaller".I know I need to lose atleast another 30-35 lbs. I am 173lbs. at 5'6" now.I have said everything but "Mind your own business" and its getting real annoying.They're stealing my thunder. Any suggestions?? — loisph (posted on April 27, 2004)
April 27, 2004
i saw my family for the first time since i had wls about a week ago. i
still have 30 pounds to lose before i'm at goal(in the middle of the chart
for my bmi). they were really shocked and some even said that i didn't need
to lose anymore weight. i took it as a compliment. i know people have told
me when i was pre-op that i needed to LOSE weight and some even said it
behind my back. how great is it for them to say "ohhhh you don't need
to lose anymore"...meaning i look good :) you have to remember that
you are losing very fast and the people who know you are still used to
seeing you the way you were pre-op. if you met a stranger off the street
they probibly wouldn't say you would look odd if you lost 30 more pounds,
but that is only because they aren't used to seeing you MO. i know i look
like a totally different person and i'm VERY happy with that.
also i wanted to add(with much love)that eventhou it's fun you should never
feed off of compliments to make you feel better. since we are the ones who
had wls we lived it everyday. the other people around us might sometimes
get tired of only hearing us talk about us...ya know what i mean?
— franbvan
April 27, 2004
They are so accustomed to seeing you big it is hard to view you as a skinny
minny. I just tell them hey I'm not on a diet and I'm not trying to lose
anymore, also I'm not on an eating binge and am not trying to gain. My body
is doing what it wants to!!! I eat as much protein as I can, and try not to
eat as much carbs, and the rest is up to my body....So hey if I lose more
ok, if I don't ok...........Thats My Answer To Them........God Bless
— Donna Y.
April 27, 2004
When someone says "you're getting so skinny," I just say "I
know, isn't it great!" If they ask how much more I plan to lose, I
tell them another 20 pounds and invariably, they'll say, "you don't
need to lose anymore weight, you'll be way too thin if you do", I just
say "well, we'll see where my body stops" then let it go. Almost
always the people who say that have always been smaller than me and now
they're bigger so I don't get upset with them. I just remember how I
always hated being the biggest person in the room and so I think I know
where they're coming from....now they just may be the biggest. So my
philosopy after all is, it's my body, and my weight, and my business so
their opinions don't matter at all.
— SCbabe B.
April 27, 2004
Compliments are nice aren't they? I have found the best way to handle it is
just smile & say thank you. I do not feel the need to further discuss
my weight loss plans, It is a private subject. I am at the very top of
normal for my height. I am not actively trying to lose weight but I find
it just as ammoying for others to commeent and advise me on what I should
weigh now as I did when over weoght.We live in a society where privacy is
sure at a premium. What ever happened to never ask a woman her age or her
weight???
— **willow**
April 27, 2004
I just wanted to add- telling them you want to lose another 30 pounds opens
the subject for discussion, Maybe if you dont mention it they won't either.
— **willow**
April 27, 2004
30# from goal seems to be the magic time "others" feel
threatened. My friend (?) said my mouth looked too big. Well, I spose it IS
too big, in the talking sense. But um, since I was then ONLY obese vs
morbidly obese, was I sposta get plastics done on it to make it fit in my
face the same way it did when you couldn't FIND it in my face? I think
they just don't know what they're saying. This particular friend had never
had a weight problem she could just diet away in a few days. She did't get
it. 10 yrs later and I am small and she is larger, and she STILL doesn't
get it.
— vitalady
April 27, 2004
I am so with you on this one. Don't let them steal your thunder. One of
the slogans they sell on this website (I got it as a t-shirt iron on) says
"You say I'm a loser like it's a bad thing!" ~I love that~ I
have exceeded my surgeon's goal and my own, but for the last 50# or so I've
heard, "Now you don't want to loose too much weight." too many
times. Where were these comments when I was gaining the weight. No one
ever would have dreamed of saying to me "Now you don't want to gain
too much weight." So why comment now? I think some people are
threatened, but mostly, I think the majority of people aren't used to us
looking so good so "fast". With my "problem people" I
don't discuss numbers, but I focus on my improved health and bluntly state
that "My body will continue to loose weight until it finds a weight
where it is comfortable." For me, that's been enough to shut most
people up. Good luck, sounds like you're doing great! ~~~~Kelly open RNY
11/20/2002 315/125
— klinzey
April 27, 2004
People might be seriously worried for you. I'm MO but I did infact tell a
lady friend once that "my mom would try to feed you if she saw how
thin you are!" or something insane and down-home like that. I never
honestly thought she looked fat at all, really just normal. Then I see her
getting into something like a size 4 jeans by doing this special papaya
drink fast and really, really exercising. She just seemed very small
compared to what I see as normal. I never meant it hurtful or anything. I
was shocked and being serious when I said it. People worry. I wasn't
jealous, I wasn't vindictive, I wasn't trying to be mean or to insult
anyone. So take it for what its worth. Some people may just want
reassurance that you're OK and healthy and under a doctors care. Remember,
normal people don't lose massive weight like post ops do so most people
have never seen a massive weight loss like you've had.
— Shelly S.
April 27, 2004
No one can steal our thunder--- the thrill of controlling a lifelong
problem with food is ours alone. No comment from a stranger, no sincere
expression of care from a friend can take away the joy I feel every morning
waking up and not feeling consumed by the guilt over how I had overeaten
the day before. It is an odd fact of weight-loss-life that we will tend to
lose the padding in our faces as we get to our goal-- unfortunately, it is
an equally unfair fact of weight-loss-life that we can't decide where on
our bodies we will lose weight. When I get those comments, I just shift
the attention away with a terse "enough about me, how are you
feeling?". As most people would rather talk about themselves than
anything else, the conversation quickly shifts away from my thinning face.
— SteveColarossi
April 27, 2004
I've heard this before too. It's funny though - being weight loss surgery
patients, people think they have the right to offer any opinion. At the
EXACT weight I am now I've been told both "you don't need to lose any
more weight" AND "do you have about 20 or so more pounds to
lose?" I've determined we can never make people happy because we're
the only safe segment of the population to be discriminatory against. I
had an unkind experience happen to me 2 days ago where a woman asked me if
I'd gained all my weight back. SHEESH! I gained 15 pounds A YEAR AGO AND
NOTHING MORE! What it all boils down to is that we must, in some cases,
develop a thick skin and hang on to our thunder so no one can steal it. I
ordered business cards that say " Never Underestimate the power of a
kind word or deed. People may not remember what you say but they will
remember how you made them feel. Today what you said to me about my weight
hurt me and made me feel sad. Next time stop and think before you speak.
May you have a blessed day". I plan to hand them out to every person
who says something hurtful, insensitive or just plain stupid. You know
what's right for you - if people say you don't need to lose any more weight
you might reply with something like "I'm almost there" and don't
give specifics regarding how many pounds you want to lose. Maybe that will
hush them up. Hang in there - we've all walked or are walking the same
road with you. Despite the frustrations it's a journey worth taking! Best
wishes!
— ronascott
April 27, 2004
When I still had to lose a good 50 or more pounds, people would say
"Oh dont lose anymore or you'll be too thin..." blah, blah,
blah... I'd just told them that I'm not trying (LIE) to lose anymore but
my body will stop when its ready. If they still went on I'd tell them
thanks for the concern and walk off. You cant change folks so I'm not even
gonna try. ~Sidney~ Open RNY 10-23-02 down 140+ and below goal
— Siddy I.
April 27, 2004
Well, it's been awhile since I had to deal with this, but basically I tell
them what I weigh and then ask "would you be happy at that
weight??" (This was in conversation with my sister, not just an casual
aquaintance). Of course she said "NO" because it was a weight
that she considered "fat". I then asked her why I should be happy
to stop at a weight above what I considered a realistic goal. Of course she
didn't have a good response!!
<p>
Most of these people are just shocked at how quickly we lose after surgery.
After years and years of looking at us as MO, when they see us anywhere
near a normal weight, their brains can't process that info for awhile.
Also, we do tend to carry more weight better, so we may LOOK smaller than
the scales say we are.
<p>
Your response will have to depend on who you are talking to. But the
generic, "I'm woring with my doc, my body will stop where it's
comfy", kinds of things tend to work well with most everyone.
— Ali M
April 28, 2004
That's been happening to me too. I get it mostly from my dad's side of the
family, my aunts, cousins, etc. Im 15 months postop right now and have
just lost another couple of pounds, so that puts me around 142-143 right
now (im 5'4) and Ill probably lose another 5-10 lbs once I have my tummy
tuck. My dad's family worries that Im too thin now and shouldnt lose any
more. I just tell them that my body will stop when it wants to. I should
get on of those iron on things about the loser being a bad thing:) Good
Luck to you! Kris open RNY 1-21-03 294/142-143
— Kris T.
April 28, 2004
I deal with this all the time. People told me to stop losing when I weighed
about 170 also. Well, I am 133 now and people are even more rude. Sometimes
I just ignore them, other times I tell themn they are just jealous lol. Go
ahead and tell them to mind their own business, or get real personal with
them about THEIR weight.. ask them what size they wear, etc. That will shut
them up.
— SarahC
April 28, 2004
I don't understand why you would get annoyed over someone commenting that
you don't need to lose anymore weight! Heck, I consider that a compliment.
They are telling you you look just right! HELLO? Remember when you were
obese??? Now if someone said to me, like poor Rona, "did you gain all
your weight back", thats hurtful, and tactless and disrespectful and
deserving of a kick in the butt! AND a new pair of glasses if anyone has
seen Rona's before and after pics....People are now saying you look good
where you are..I would just smile broadly and say "thank you"!!
— Cindy R.
April 29, 2004
I don't know if anyone will read this and identify but I think I have the
411 on people in our lives that say those things. You know the people that
never thought we could be thin, or can't believe how much weight we have
lost, or like to talk about our weight loss in EVERY possible social
situation. Here is my theory.... I think that some people close to us like
to keep us the way we were. I think it is conveinient to have an overweight
friend, brother, sister, mother, spouse, or co-worker. I believe that it
helps them to feel better about the bad things in their lives. It helps
them to cope with the hideous realities of their own daily exisitences to
say "Hey, at least I am not fat like her/him". I have several in
my family, it is not just you. I wish that it was not true but it is. They
want to steal your thunder because they have always stolen your thunder and
it is the only way to make themselves appear more successful or powerful.
Ironically it has nothing to do with you. It is their own short comings and
insecurities that have landed them here and you happen to be a target. If
you can, and I know it is hard, try to think of them as vicims themselves.
They live in a much crueler world then we do. Good Luck!
— Tara J.
April 30, 2004
Time to pull out "Mind your own business!" No person whe is
telling you that 'you don't need to loose any more weight' or 'you won't
look right' is trying to compliment you. Sorry. We have something to talk
about when a relative comes to you in private and says- "How's your
health?" "Are you doing OK with all this weightloss." or
the like. There's some genuine concern there. We almost all have people
in our lives like the negative nellies you mention. My SIL, who taught my
niece to refer to me a BIG Lisa, is appalled that I might actually weigh
less than her. She too, conveniently, thinks 'you've lost enough weight'.
(I'm Sorry- are you feeling threatened? Good. Insert me sticking out my
tongue here) SOME people like to hold you back and keep you down (in your
place) Here's what I say to those people who mean the comment hurtfully-
(muster up your must syrup sweet sarcastic voice and say..."Gee, I'm
SO touched by your concern. However, my doctor and I have it under control
and know what's best for me." There, end of conversation. (can you
tell this topic "toasts my buns to burnt"? -as my grandma would
have said.) Good luck to you!!! You don;t have to take this from ANYONE!
— LMCLILLY
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