Question:
Ok I keep reading about people getting too much attention
But how about those of us that don't get any or enough from anyone but friends and family. One of the things I dream about after sugery ,I would be getting all this attention from the opposit sex but I'm not getting any. I don't know if I''m getting older and they only want young chicks, or I'm not sexy enough.....I feel so alone right now... some attention would be nice..... Anyone else can share their feeling on this....btw I'm 40 years old 5'6 160 pounds, down from 310 thanks — Rebe W. (posted on March 7, 2004)
March 7, 2004
Well, Rebe, I've had about the same experience as you're having. I've lost
a little over 100 pounds, and now wear a size 14/16 from a 28/30. Both men
and women seem nicer to me, and talk to me more (both ones I knew before
surgery and strangers), but I don't get any serious attention from men.
Not one has asked me out or shown any interest. I just turned 45, and am
sort of average looking--not especially pretty, but not ugly, either.
However, I don't take it personally. I have two single women friends the
same age as I am, and neither one of them gets aasked out, either. One of
them is quite pretty, with a nice figure, but no dates. Maybe if I don't
think about it much, it will just happen, and a good guy will come along.
If not, I can live happily without one. There's just no explanation for
why some of us get more attention and some of us don't, but it's probably
not your fault. Hang in there. There are so many other wonderful things
that this surgery has given us.
— Vespa R.
March 7, 2004
I was just complaining about this same thing to my husband this morning! I
told him that I was going to remove my wedding rings just until I get
flirted with by someone, with the intention of turning him down. My idea
didn't go over well - imagine that. I'm not particularly weird or ugly in
my opinion and I haven't been asked out or flirted with. I do get more
acknowledgement from strangers, but I also don't walk with my eyes down
avoiding everyone anymore either. I don't know what to tell you except to
go out and enjoy your life and go places that interest you - book stores
and join the book clubs, church groups, WLS support groups, the gym, etc.
— Yolanda J.
March 7, 2004
Me, neither ... but I didn't really expect it, 'cause I've never exactly
been a dude-magnet myself. ;-D In contrast, my sister gets hit on just
standing in line at the store, or by even men driving down the street, you
name it. She's appropriately dressed, btw, but she just has that
"thing" that makes men attracted to her, makes her approachable,
and she therefore has lots of choices. Some of us don't have that
naturally, and I really don't think it's a "weight" thing in the
end. If you want attention, you're going to have to make it a priority to
figure out how to get it, because it's not just going to happen because
you're smaller and more attractive now. Just don't think it's because
you're not worthwhile, or because the weight loss process let you down.
It's an intangible, other "thing," and it's either worth it to
you to get out there and find someone, or it's not. He ain't gonna come
stompin' up to you outta the blue, and you're not alone in having that
challenge! ;-)
— Suzy C.
March 7, 2004
no one flirting w/ me either or making any passes. I'd have to say no since
I am happily married but I'd like to be asked.
— **willow**
March 7, 2004
I went to a party this weekend with some old college friends, and despite
being thinner, I was treated the same. I started thinking maybe I put off
a vibe, "stay away!"
Dunno?
— mrsmyranow
March 7, 2004
Have you tried joinging a local singles group? many churches have them. How
about meeting someone online? I met my husband that way. We've been married
6 1/2 years. Just an idea.
Good luck.
— catleth
March 7, 2004
Rebe, I am going through the same thing. I'm 30, 5'10" and 6 months
post op and have lost a little over 100 pounds (426/316/?). I think I'm
pretty and have a nice personality HOWEVER men don't seem to approach me at
all. I've always been friendly and can "talk" to just about
anyone but haven't had men show special attention to me. I know that I
have a strong personality and might be a tad bit intimidating at times but
I have decided to work on my mindset and approachability (if that's a
word). Going to different places(church, social gatherings, clubs) is
really not going to help if we continue to put out the same vibe. First
you have to KNOW for yourself that you are a beautiful person, not just
according to media's perception of beauty, and know what wonderful things
you have to offer to a deserving man (not an easy thought proccess but
doable). I also went out and brought/read books on relationships and
dating - Dating for Dummies, Updating, How to love a black man, Sis, you
deserve healthy love. In these books I've found pearls of wisdom that my
female counterparts think are basic knowledge but they weren't to me. Trust
me it is worth it to invest in similar books. Just yesterday I spent about
4 hours at Barnes & Nobles reading and taking notes, without paying a
penny for one book :-) Please stay encouraged and email me if you would
like. Vesta
— vesta D.
March 7, 2004
Of 'normal' sized ladies, there are those that are attractive and those
that look frumpy. Look areound and you will see what I mean. That 'thing'
that some ladies have and some don't is sex appeal. It's a combination of
confidance, dress and makeup, and a pretty/friendly/feminine face. I see
it all the time, you all probably do too. When we lose weight, we do not
automatically lose the 'old look'. Perhaps after losing the first 50 or so
lbs, we should all be looking into a makeover-hair, a little makeup,
clothes that fit and flatter. This would improve our confidance too. That
old look of drab, baggy clothes, old hair style, big framed glasses and a
face that is either sad or worried looking isn't going to get any of us the
attention from 'quality' men we may be looking for. And this is about
attention from men right?
If you're single and looking, try a whole head
makeover(hair,glasses,makeup,earings) and go clothes shopping at a store
that has staff to help you find some flattering styles for your new bod.
Hold your head up, look ppl in the eye and always be on the verge of a
smile-you feel good for losing weight-show the world you feel good about
yourself.
— mary ann T.
March 8, 2004
— aprilbaree
March 8, 2004
I am a very goal-oriented person. I set goals and work at them until I
achieve whatever I set my mind and heart on. A couple of years ago, I
decided I was ready to meet my soulmate and get married. So I took steps to
do that. I began networking (joining clubs, going out with friends, joined
an online dating service). Of those three things, the online dating service
was the most productive move I made. <p>--It's important to market
yourself when filling out your online profile. <p>--Identify what
makes you different. <p>--Promote your assets whatever they may be
(values, personality, physical appearance, etc.).<p>--Join a club (I
joined a biking club, a fishing club, a walking club).<p>--Find a
mentor to help you create your best look.<p>--Evaluate your results.
Men will start arriving on the scene. Remember there are many frogs but
only one prince (your soulmate), so don't settle for just any man. Make
sure he fits you, reflects your values, treats you with great respect, and
lots of chemistry! It happened for me at age 48. I met my hubby online and
we married 3 months ago. I truly found a gorgeous man inside and out. We
are a match. <p>Your guy is out there somewhere. Start taking steps
to find him. Best wishes!
— artistmama
March 8, 2004
I completely agree with Mary Ann. She said there are normal sized women
who are frumpy and those that have "it" well I am here to say
that even fat girls can have "it". I have been in a relationship
for many years and so I am not looking for someone, but I have always been
hit on. I am a really big girl, but for some reason I can find a man to
hit on me anywhere. I am not saying this to be conceited or whatever. I
just want to say that even fat girls can be appreciated, flirted with, and
wanted. It doesn't take weightloss to make you a man magnet. It's about
so much more than that:-)
— Sara A
March 8, 2004
Original poster here.... Ok let me say this, I am in no way frumpy, never
have been , never will. I know and have been told by men and women how
pretty, fine, beautiful(whatever) I am. I'm not conceited but even when I
was big I was a good dresser... Hell my clothes cost more than my
paycheck.....My hair is alway put together....and makeup to a tee. I quess
I'm just saying that I thought I would be the center of attention like I
was when I was young but you know what, My chances now are slimer because
I've gotten older and most eliglible men are either married or living with
some one. I don't need a man to make me happy, I do that myself... I'm
just kind of feeling low right now....... maybe it's me or hormones or the
vibe I give like I'm too pretty.... I won't take second best never did
never will....but sometimes I feel so low ....sometimes I feel so
lonely.... I don't know.
But I am enjoying my new slimmer life and good health... God has blessed me
in so many ways......Sometimes, I quess a women just want to be notice...
Thanks guys
— Rebe W.
March 8, 2004
It is not all it is cracked up to be! Most of the time I miss being able to
fly under the radar.
— hooterzgirl75
March 8, 2004
Rebe, I once read a book by Dale Carnegie (sp?) "How to Win and
Influence People," and the author says we either attract people to us
or push them away. Sometimes we attract the "wrong" people over
and over again - we are in control of our choices. You should borrow this
book or one similar to it from your local library. It was very
informative; you probably will find someone who has been attracted to you
prior to your WLS, but you mentally "pushed" that person away and
he as a all humans tend to remember "negative" feelings first or
longer.
Men always tell me I "look married" (I am) but I never knew I
looked married, which means unapproachable. Females tend to
"desire" but when approached we "play it off." Whereas
men just get to the point even if they are shy. I would say just make
friends (which can be better than lovers) and even better if we acquire a
lover who is also a friend. My hubby and I are best friends first - even
if the "lover" part is rocky the friendship is always strong.
GOOD LUCK ON your Journey
— Anna M.
March 8, 2004
I'm with Lynn. I am actually to the point of being scared sometimes by the
attention I recieve. I went from 290 to 150, I am 5'3 and 35 years old. I
thought the cat calls and whistles would be cool, at first they were, but
now they just creep me out. I never used to worry about anyone hurting me,
because I was so fat I figured no one would want me. I wish I felt that
way now, because I am actually scared to be out alone sometimes. I have
actually been asked out while my husband was standing right beside me. It
is not at all it's cracked up to be.
— colers
March 8, 2004
Sometimes we are so busy looking around at who is looking at us we don't
see what is right in front of us. As men get older they tend to be a
little less obvious...it's a different time now with the constant threat of
sexual harassment. You just may not be seeing it. I was in Costco and it
wasn't till I loaded my car and got in to drive away that I realized the
cashier was flirting with me!
— nani68
March 8, 2004
Take it for its worth but a man has to literally get in my face or jump up
and down to make me realize he's trying to get my attention. Some of us
just are a bit denser in the man department. And on top of it I'm really
not a talented flirter at all. It makes it harder to get those connections
if you're out of practice, or just not good at it in the first place. My 2
cents.
— Shelly S.
March 8, 2004
I agree, I dont really like some of the attention. I'm getting attention
from men that are not worth the attention. It really bothered me cause
these are people I seen every time I went out before surgery that looked at
you like you were stupid for coming to a bar to have a drink. So that made
me angry. Now I just keep moving and not even respond. I want attention
from professional men that have something going not men that are LOOSERS.
To much of a reminder of my past. Why do I attract loosers is beyond me.
— Chris9672
March 8, 2004
I have to chime in on the side of "sometimes the attention isn't worth
having". I will be 44 years old next week, 5'8", 160 pounds down
from 290. It cracks me up the guys that hit on me now. The youngest was
24, the oldest was 31. The young one is so full of himself he doesn't need
anybody else to stroke his ego. I am happily married, for 16 years, to the
man that loved me at my highest weight. He is actually concerned that I
have lost too much weight. The right "attention" is out there,
and it will find you. Make sure you let yourself know how valuable and
special you are even if nobody else tells you so. HUGS
— Chris S.
March 9, 2004
I get attention, but it's more from people that I know, not from strangers
on the street. OK, some from strangers, but they are definitely OLDER men
(I'm 42). I read an article that when women hit 40, they disappear, and
maybe it's true? I definitely don't get looks from young guys like I use
to (the 10 minutes I was thin in my younger days), but older guys check me
out. So, although surgery helped me get thin, I sadly didn't get any
younger ;)
— mom2jtx3
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