Question:
Seeking Others With Jealous Mothers
I always see questions and comments posted about jealous friends, husband, etc. I have a jealous mother. She's constantly asking me how much I weigh, and what size clothes I wear. I'm handling her comments - sometimes with smiles, sometimes with a "you don't need to know that" and sometimes by changing the subject. (She's overweight but not MO). How am I supposed to handle the feelings her jealousy causes me? She's more fixated on my body than I am! And it seems to be escalating as I get thinner. Anyone else dealing with this? — Kathy J. (posted on August 2, 2003)
August 2, 2003
are you sure she's jealous and not just insatiably curious? My mom passed
away years ago, so I don't know what you're going thru, but if she's
driving you batty (regardless of her motivation) I sure sympathise with
you! Congrats on all your success!
— [Deactivated Member]
August 2, 2003
I've experienced a little bit of this with my mom. For the first time in
my adult life, I'm thinner than she is, and I can tell that it's hard for
her. She was always naturally slim until she hit menopause about 10 years
ago, and she's been steadily gaining a little weight each year since then.
She's not obese, but she's definitely overweight now, and not feeling too
good about it. She was a high school & college beauty queen and always
received a lot of positive attention for her appearance. Now she's aging
and overweight, and I know it's depressing for her. I sense that this last
year has been a roller coaster of emotions for her as she's watched me lose
weight so effortlessly. She is really excited for me, and supportive, but
it's a bit threatening, too. When I first started wearing the same size
clothes as her (12s and 14s), I could tell it was feeling a little bit
difficult for her. I had always been the "fat" one -- now we
were sharing outfits? What did that make her? And once I *passed* her and
was wearing smaller sizes... that was doubly hard. So now I'll sometimes
notice her making somewhat less-than-supportive comments. Like if I
mention I haven't lost any weight in a couple of weeks, she'll be a little
too quick to say "Oh, well maybe you're all done losing now. From
here on out you'll just tone up." Well, I'm really not ready to be
"done" just yet, thank you very much! It would be nice if she
didn't sound quite so excited about the prospect, you know? :-) Or she'll
pick up a pair of my pants out of the laundry and say "These look so
SMALL! You can't wear these, can you??" But I do understand, and I
realize this is a big adjustment for her, too. I'm doing my best to give
her some space and support with these changes, because I realize the mental
adjustment that she's having to make is a little less fun than the one I'm
going through. I know she loves me and that her anxiety and jealousy over
this stuff will pass. She's doing her best, and I'm very willing to cut
her some slack while she "catches up" with the new me.
— Tally
August 2, 2003
I totally understand. My mother is the same way. Part of the reason I had
the surgery was to get out of this situation. My mother has always compared
herself to me. I thought surgery would take care of it once and for all,
but I was wrong! She always asks me how much I weigh and what size I am. I
finally told her it was none of her business! Then guess what she did? She
had the surgery too!!! I finally have come to the conclusion that this is
just the way my mother is, and my grandmother was to her, and it will never
change. I am as vague as I can be, and if she oversteps the boundary too
much, I let her know. Good luck.
— Jen D.
August 3, 2003
Hi Kathy, my mother ignored me my whole life and now that I've lost a lot
of weight I'm the center of attention and I hate this. It makes me feel
like I was invisible to her. She was never obese and my noone else in my
family was either. It bothers me that I had to lose weight to get her
attention.
— Suzie E.
August 3, 2003
I'm in a similar situation, but my mom's always been a tiny person (like
105-110 pounds)...Always bragging that she didn't weigh enough to give
blood, or don't get an extra chair I can fit in the highchair kind of
person. Drove me batty. Now she's telling me I can stop losing weight any
time (even though I am 5'3 and 145 so I could still stand to lose a
little). I think she's feeling threatened, but she brags to everybody she
sees that I've lost 100 pounds. It's pretty weird.
— Kimberley E.
August 3, 2003
My MO mother and MO sister are always complimentary and asking questions.
I know my mother wishes she could have surgery, but at 71 she is afraid.
She is almost homebound as she plans her outings to places with wheelchairs
and scooters. I think she would do it if she were a little younger.
Dieting has never been successful for her. My sister and I who have both
had the surgery are trying to casually convince our other sister to do it.
She's 44 and a relative lightweight but would benefit tremendously. We
get the "jealousness" without the negativity. We just wish mom
were able to have it done. I won't push though. She has to decide that
for herself. Her doctor says it is definitely worth looking into for her.
— Fixnmyself
August 3, 2003
Congrats on your loss so far! I'm a pre-op and I know sometimes I can't
help but to ask over and over how much someone has lost after surgery.
Mothers can get jealous but if she asks you while smiling, she might be
getting just as excited as you are about your loss. I don't know your
mother but from a pre-op point of view, she could be just really fasinated
by the whole idea. Good luck with all you do! Keep Smiling!
— Stephanie @.
August 3, 2003
I completely understand what you're going thru. I wish I had some advice.
My mother and I aren't close, but I have issues with my mother-in-law. She
never fails to point out when someone looks like crap, but wouldn't give a
compliment if her life depended on it. I'm starting to finally figure her
out (after 9 yrs)! If she doesn't have anything UGLY to say, she says
nothing at all. So, my husband and I have decided not to discuss it with
her...ever. I know first hand what a sabateur she can be. I hope
everything works out with your mom. I'm so tired of being the peacemaker.
If she really gets on my nerves I tell her where to go and we don't talk
for a few weeks. I always get a phone call a few weeks later and she talks
to me like nothing ever happened. Fine by me. You might try it. Smiles!
— Kimberly S.
August 3, 2003
Kathy, I am having the exact same problem, but eith my older sister. I have
always been heavier than her by 20-30lbs. Now that I have had my surgery
6/30/03 down 25lbs she asks me "how much have you lost?", and
"how small do you think you'll get?". And when I tell her I try
to be very vague about it because I know it makes her uncomfortable to know
that her heavier sister is getting thinner than she is. She than goes
around telling my family that I am just soooooo obsessed with my weight and
I can't shut up about it, and I am just soooooooo selfish. What I've done
is taken some time away from her. I have tried many times to talk about it
but she insists that there is not a problem. I guess you can just let your
mother know how you feel and if nothing changes well than you just have to
go on with your life. Unfortunatly we cannot control other people, but we
can control our own lives. Good luck and I hope everything works out for
the best! Audrey
— Audrey W.
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