Question:
Did anyone else withhold the fact they were having surgery from family members?

I haven't told a soul about this surgery other than my husband and my three best friends. They are all so excited about my decision. I've even had one friend who has attended support group meetings and seminars with me and my husband!! The problem is I haven't told anyone in my family because I really don't want the negative energy around me. Also what should I tell my coworkers? They know that I will be out on medical leave but I'm not sure I want to tell them I'm having surgery. Sorry for the long post but I would love feedback.    — A M. (posted on June 24, 2003)


June 23, 2003
If they are going to be negative then dont tell till after you have surgery. But once your a post op theres no hiding eatring so little or the fast weight loss. WLS is NOTHING to be ashamed of! Once your loosing you might as well tell or people will suspect you have cancer AIDS or other dreaded disease. WLS is now a IN thing to do thanks to Carnie and Al Roker!
   — bob-haller

June 23, 2003
I only told my family members, but did not tell any of my co workers. I did not want the neg. answers that everyone seems to have these days. When it came to my employer I told them that I had to have reflux sugery and that is not lie, because wls helps reflux right? Since the health laws changed in April of this year, your employer does not have the right to ask why you are having sugery (it is against the law-Health and Privacy Act). Don't feel bad you are doing the right thing.
   — Gene F.

June 23, 2003
I was horrified to tell anyone at 1st. I was terrified to tell my boyfriend and my parents. When I finally mustered up the courage to do it I was floored by their support. Worried, yes they were, but they knew I had made up my mind and was moving forward and there wasn't much they could do to stop me, so they stood behind me all the way. I felt a flood of relief afterwards. I did however, explain to them all the research I had done and that I worked the details with the insurance, work, doctors, etc. It help them feel better knowing that I just didn't jump into something. Good luck to you.
   — Lora T.

June 23, 2003
Wow, I told three people till a week before the surgery. I was so afraid people would think I was taking the easy way out but I was wrong. Support, support, support from everyone I told. My mom called me the next day with the statement I enjoyed the most..."you know you will not be able to eat the same again" REALLY, I did not know that about this surgery!! She has been wonderful and I will always relish that statement. I only told a few co workers and ten months later there still is many people asking me how I am doing this and I tell the ones I am comfortable with the truth and the rest I say diet and exercise. Which I walk every lunch break and they believe me. I would only tell who you want to or just surprise them with the new you! It is a wonderful feeling when you expect the neg. and get the positive. People tended to give the neg a little more before the surgery I found but it was still newer ten months ago than it is today, and once it was over what could they say but you look great and Wow you are so brave. Do what you feel is right for you and listen only to the little voice inside you, you are the one who knows these people and yourself..Good luck and when is your surgery scheduled? I wish you a happy and healthy journey to the other side of living. Linda 9/16/02 284/213/180
   — Linda R.

June 23, 2003
Hi, I'm in the same position. I have only told my husband, my dad, and my best friend. My hubbys family is in the dark (they always have something bad to say). I made the mistake one time of mentioning the word surgery around my DH family and I got bombarded with ?s...so I told them I might have to have my gallbladder removed (which is true lol) so now no one says anything. I have also talked about my desire to lose alot of weight. I dont see his family which helps a great deal. So after surgery I figure they will thing I really did put myself on this amazing diet and excersice regiment. I know we should be proud and I am (I talk about it all the time) but there are some people that cant handle the WLS issues ( like the 5'1 108pd mother in law) so let them think what they want. GOOD LUCK I'll be on the "losing" side soon! Love
   — cinamoni

June 23, 2003
I have only told my husband (obviously), my mother and two best friends. I have no intention of telling another living soul. When I see my inlaws or my family...I will simply tell them that I've been dieting. And then I will endure the "I do you diet and exercise work" comments. And I will smile and nod while all the while knowing what a crock it all is. LOL! No one needs to know. As far as anyone is concerned...if anyone notices that I disappear for a few days...I'll simply tell them I'm having some stones removed. Why does anyone need to know any of this anyway? Frankly...I believe that if everyone knows I've had this surgery they'll consider me weak. People don't get that this surgery still requires a TON of effort on our part. They don't understand that it isn't a magical cure and you can only explain a few zillion times before you get sick of having to repeat yourself. I will work hard to get healthly and I want the credit...not the surgery!
   — Renee B.

June 24, 2003
This was sort of the question I posted yesterday. I have decided (I think) that since I have received so many negative comments from my extended family when expressing my interest in the surgery, that I am not going to tell them when I have it. My co-workers are all extremely understanding (another person has already had the surgery and is doing GREAT), but if they WEREN'T or you didn't want to tell them, I would tell them that you are having some sort of other surgery (I have read that a lot of people are telling that they are getting their gallbladder out). Then, to explain the weightloss, (if anyone asks) I will probably tell them that I am changing my lifestyle, which is the TRUTH!!!. Basically, I have decided that anyone who is going to bring me down is NOT someone I would like to have around me. Besides, people should RESPECT your decision to have WLS, whether they agree with it or not. Sort of...agree to disagree.
   — BeckyT

June 24, 2003
I didn't tell anyone but very good friends. Then 1 week before surgery I told my mom and bros and sisters. The decision was made, it was mine, I owned it, and there was NO turning back. I told NO co-workers. It's not there business. I didn't tell all my friends. I still haven't told all my friends and extended family. I just don't want to. I wouldn't tell them if I were starting a new diet, why should I tell them this? Would you be upset if they didn't tell you? It's your decision. I say no to telling co-workers. They're usually gossip-mongers, anyway. They'll find out/figure it out soon enough. Give yourself time. Don't rush it. Good luck.
   — msmaryk

June 24, 2003
I'm 6 weeks out and most people still don't know and I don't plan on telling them. My mother still does not know as I know she would worry. She only lives an hour away so it's not like I never see her.
   — Sharon B.

June 24, 2003
Its a personal decision whom you tell about your surgery. Some want to shout if from the rooftops and others want to keep it more private. For some of us, me included, there was the fear of failure and therefore, don't tell anyone until you know if it works or not. My parents are worriers and have always been normal weighted so I did not tell them until I was 3 months post-op and the weight loss was noticeable. Hubby, sister, and 2 close friends were all that knew pre-op. 16 months later, and no one at work knows (now, they may guess, but thats not my concern). I like to keep personal and professional lives separate. Keep in mind that if you tell even 1 person at work, the grapevines at most work places are alive and well. You do not have to discuss your surgery with anyone at work if you don't want to-simply say you are attending to a medical issue-period.
   — Cindy R.

June 24, 2003
Hi, I told only immediate family and close friends. I did not want the opinions of any one else. My family is very supportive about the surgery. As for WORK, it is no ones business, you do not have to tell your boss etc. anything. You only have to deal with the Disability folks. It is against the law for anyone at your company to ask for details. Remember we have new HIPPA regulations also. Good luck, MaryLyn 5/21/03 -32
   — Kriola

June 24, 2003
Hi, A.M.! I only told my parents and 4 close friends. I have no hubby or kids.) I never told my extended family that I was going to have the surgery. I'm 5 months postop and I still haven't told them. They're very judgemental and I don't want to hear the negativity. I will tell them if and when the time comes. Or not (I haven't decided yet!) I can't really help you with the coworker question since I work from home. Bottom line is, do what you think is best and what you're comfortable with. Hope this helps!
   — Joyce C.

June 24, 2003
My intention was not to share the info with anyone other than my husband and adult children. My mother in law called the house the day I had surgery only to have my SON tell her "mom is in the hospital getting her stomach cut in half to loose weight." oh boy!!! she of course did tell every single reletive known to man, not realizing is was to be a private decision. I waited a couple months to tell my own side of the family, they are all out of state. I have also shared the info with co workers. At first I wanted it to just be private, but now I am glad I told people. The support has been overwhelming. Yes, sometimes I get tired of answering the same questions over and over, such as what do you eat, can you eat regular foods, etc. etc. etc. I feel at this point (9 months post op and down 100 #) like I am an ambassador for education on gastric bypasss surgery. I work in a hospital, I talk about it to all the Drs. I encourage them to support their obese patients in this decision. I tell them about my success, my lower cholesterol , lower blood pressure off all meds except vitamins. I tell them I will talk to any patients that are interested. I talk about the difficulties other than health of being morbidly obese. discrimination, physical and emotional pain. If I can help them be more understanding and supportive of their morbidly obese patients I will have accomplished something really important in life.
   — **willow**

June 24, 2003
I am to the complete other extreme as you. I told EVERYONE I came into contact with (friends, family, coworkers) that I was planning on having my surgery, from day one. I got nothing but support from everyone. I know I'm very lucky, but you may be pleasantly surprised. I am know 7 weeks out since my surgery, and I can't imagine not being able to tell anyone and everyone that is involved in my life. Give it a shot, people sometimes surprise you! If anyone doesn't support you at first, it's probably because they don't know enough, if anything, about the surgery. Explanations can help. Good luck to you!
   — Ceil G.

June 24, 2003
I have not told any of my family members. My whole family is always on top of my weight and they do not approve of the surgery. So I decided not to tell anyone the only one that I have shared this with is my husband who has been very supportive. I will let everyone know after surgery. Lots of luck to you.
   — Claudia O.

June 25, 2003
I told my only my sister and my closest friend, and I asked my fiancee just to let people know that I'm going on diet and I also have to have my gallbladder removed, which is the truth, the surgeon will do that the same time. I'm doing it this way as I don't want any negative influence at this point. When I lood real good and feel healthy again I might tell....I will deal with that when that time comes. My friend, my sister and my fiancee is all supporting of me. ~Tove
   — Tove Annelise H.

June 25, 2003
I'm pre-op and have been asking myself the same type of questions. I told my partner and my sister. I don't expect negative comments from the rest of my family but I think the reason I've chosen not to tell them is because a) I don't want them to worry and b) I want to surprize them with the new me. I don't see them very often and I expect to be considerably smaller the next time I see them. My family has always been big on surprizes. I told my boss because I also consider her a friend and a couple of people at work. I look forward to being an advocate for and example of the positive results of WLS. Do what feels best for you. You only need to answer to yourself.
   — Sandra A.

June 25, 2003
I'm telling everyone !! I need the emotional support, plus everyone knows Im obese so if I start losing weight rapidly I didnt want to answer alot of questions later.
   — Brenda Diane D.

June 25, 2003
I thought that for a minute I was reading something that I had posted myself, I have not informed anyone in my family other than my husband and 3 friends, I have kept it to myself, I'm not sure why, I think it has to do something with the fact that I have tried and failed so many that I just am scared to fail in front of them again. I want to tell my parents, but I dont know that they will understand, My dad made some snide remarks about roker and wilson's story. There has been so many bad attitudes at work that I have not felt comfortable telling anyone there either, I have not discussed with my boss or supervisor, not sure when i will tell them, maybe once i am approved and have a date.
   — LS F.

June 25, 2003
Thanks for all of the responses. It is a sad state of affairs when we are so afraid of the negativity that family will bring to the table if we tell them we are going to have this surgery. I finally told my boss today that I would be out for a couple of weeks (at least) in August or September. I did this so that we can get someone else trained to be my fill-in. I told him from the jump that I was not going to answer any questions about the surgery because I wanted my confidentiality and he said he completely understood. It was alot easier than I expected. If anyone presses I've decided to go with the "it's a feminine issue" answer. Since I work with primarily all males, this should keep them from asking any further questions. Please feel free to email me with your comments or questions. I love to hear from you all and I need all the support I can get. Much love. A.M. [email protected]
   — A M.




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