Question:
Coping with issues while losing but still heavy
I asked this question on the message board, but this is really the more appropriate forum. AMOS family, I need some advice/guidance. I'm almost 5 months post RNY, -75 lbs, 5 lbs to go to get to my halfway point. I'm 250# (5'7") on the dot as of this a.m.; still very heavy of course. But I FEEL so much better both mentally and physically. The weight is still coming off at a steady pace and I'm "Curving" 5-6 days a week. So here's the prob: tonight I went to an outdoor concert with a few friends of mine. I was wearing a new, actually an OLD, lime green button-down blouse (haven't worn it in over 2 years) that I'm finally back into, a pair of jeans and a pair of new lime green flat slides with criss-cross bands of blue in the exact color as my jeans. New gold chandelier earrings. Hair with new blonde highlights, nails and toes done, makeup to perfection. As I took 1 last look at myself going out the door, I thought (cue Freddie Prinze): LOOKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOD! Well, tonight one of my friends brought a friend of his that I met at a party 2 WEEKS AGO. This guy is really dynamic; fantastic wit. We had a brief discussion of geneology (a hobby of his) and he loaned me a book about it as I was leaving the party. Anyway, tonight during the introductions, my friend said to this guy "you remember Joyce". This guy looked at me without one hint of recognition. When my friend said "I brought her to your apt for the party 2 weeks ago", he said "oh....yeah" but there was still no recognition. THIS HAS BEEN THE STORY OF MY LIFE. Nobody ever remembers who I am. I have always attributed this to my weight, of course. But wait, there's more...during the evening we ran into some friends of friends at the concert. Introductions all around, and this one woman who was introducing herself TOTALLY SKIPPED ME as she was going around the group. I had to practically shove my hand in her face to get her to acknowledge me. WHAT IS UP WITH THIS? And one more gem: we all were sitting at an outdoor cafe, and one of the guys got up to use the restroom. The second he got up, a girl who was tall and a tad bit plump (maybe a size 14 or 16?) asked us "is anybody sitting here (pointing to the very recently vacated chair)?" We said "yes" then one of my friends said "Jeez, didn't she just see somebody get up from it? What a stupid, fat--". Then he shut up. I said "stupid WHAT?". He sheepishly said "uh, nothing". (BTW, this friend knows about my surgery). So this begs the question.....if he thinks this tall, just-this-side-of-thin girl is fat, what must he think about me? This girl was nowhere near my size. And when I myself am a size 14 (my GOAL!), will men still think I'm fat? Does anybody have any insight? I know I'm still very heavy, but I do believe that you project how you feel about yourself. If you're fat and miserable (hey, even if you're thin and miserable), people pick up on it, and you get back what you project. But MANY times in my life, I've gotten snotty comments (or total disregard like what happened tonight) when I'm feeling GOOD about myself! It's the damndest thing. What is going on here? Am I just having a bad day? (it started as a GOOD day). Will anyone ever SEEEEEEE me? Has anybody had a similar situation and did it get better with more weight loss? Did it happen when you were close to goal, or sooner? I read these wonderful posts here on the message board about people losing 50 lbs and how men (or women) are starting to come on to them. (I'm not looking for any come-ons yet, believe me. But I do expect someone who met me 2 weeks ago to REMEMBER me!) How did you long-term successful losers cope with this "middle period"--having lost a good deal of weight, but still having a loooooong way to go?? It was quite a shot of reality, I must say. A not-so-subtle reminder that I have "miles to go before I sleep"...... — Joyce C. (posted on June 18, 2003)
June 18, 2003
I am sorry that you are feeling ignored. It seems like you have just
encountered rude people all around. You also have to remember that it is
all relative. To someone who would meet me today, they would see someone
who is just over 200 #.. still 50 lbs overweight. Someone who knows me
though would know that I have lost nearly one hundred pounds in 4 months
and I look GRRRRRREAT. My friend has something to compare my
"new" look to, the stranger does not. I kind of chuckle when
someone weighs what I do and they feel like fat ugly pigs.. right now I
feel like a FOX baby!!! Who knows when someone is going to look at you and
decide that you are not overweight therefore worthy of their attention. I
say "who cares" because I don't think someone who thinks that way
is worth your precious time anyway. It is about YOU. YOU feel attractive
and good about yourself, and that's what matters. I think instead of asking
when people will treat you normally, you should ask yourself when you are
going to see YOURSELF as worthy. I am not sure if people notice the loss as
much as they notice me SMILING now! It's interesting though, and I hope you
begin to enjoy the journey to the new (or real!) you. You are doing
great!!!!!!!!!!!!! .. Sarah, surgery 2/3/03, -97lbs
— SarahC
June 18, 2003
This is such an interesting question and view. I am now at goal (137
pounds). I was about at your weight when I started (5'5"), so
probably about your size. I felt and was often treated like an invisible
person..... even by those who knew me. It made me question everything about
myself. I've come to the conclusion that even though we live in an
overweight society people are still generally snobs when it comes to
obesity. Now when I go out nobody stares, makes comments..... I am treated
normal, and probably get more positive attention than before. People who do
not know I was fat..... it irks me because they feel free to make rude
comments about others in front of me because I am thin. I always make a
point to comment and bing out my before pic and tell them how it felt to be
treated like that. (Sometimes I am too out spoken.)
On the other hand, now old friends and family who are obese are
uncomfortable discussing diet around me.... and I have heard some nasty
comments about thin people. I find I tend to be more compassionate with my
heavy friends. I don't know if that is right or not because I have been on
both sides of the fence.
My main advise is to be patient and not question yourself too much.
Just be the person you are. This is such a journey and path of discovery
for you! Be true to yourself.
I had a similar experience when I hit 180 pounds. Felt so great and
thinner till someone took it upon themself to point out "I was
STILL" a big girl. OUCH! Those same people are now telling me I don't
need to lose another pound or I will look too thin! (They just seem to take
great pleasure in this too!) And sometimes people need to be reminded of
our feelings.
Take care!
— Linda M.
June 18, 2003
Gosh, it seems like you've just encountered an amazing group of thoughtless
people. I agree with the previous poster who suggested that other people
will see us differently based on their previous knowledge of us. A few
weeks ago I was in the store. I had lost 45 pounds and three dress sizes,
but still weighed 245 pounds. I, too, was feeling pretty good about
myself, thinking "I'm looking gooood" (and compared to myself
even a few months ago, I am looking good). Anyway, two little girls were
walking by, and one asked if I was going to have a baby! Well, I just had
to laugh because it was so innocent, and since I carry my weight around my
middle, I did have to admit that I might look pregnant. The little girl
snapped me back into a more realistic view of how others see me, but didn't
diminish that I still feel good about myself. I still have about 90
pounds to lose, and everyone will see me as normal then. In the meantime,
my own view of myself is getting better every day. Don't let strangers'
views of you decrease your self-esteem. You know how far you've come, and
you have every right to be proud of it. The rest will come in time.
— Vespa R.
June 18, 2003
I feel your pain. I have lost 110 pounds and I still have about 60 or so to
go. One of my friends asked me how I was doing. I responded that people
were treating me differently like strangers in the elevator talking to me
instead of ignoring me. She said "Really? Already?" That to me
was a reminder of how far I still have to go. It was very hurtful, though
I'm sure she didn't mean it. People just don't think before they speak
sometimes. Good luck to you.
— Yolanda J.
June 18, 2003
I agree with the poster that said you met THOUGHTLESS people. The entire
planet seems to be "self-centered" now and they just don't care
about the next person's feelings. It is a sad situation. God Bless You in
your Journey. If you need a GENUINE Friend I think you need to look
elsewhere. Then too, GENUINE friends are hard to find.
— Eleanore Davis
June 18, 2003
This is an interesting question. One of the strangest things about this
journey is experiencing how differently I'm now treated by others, and how
it's changed along the way. I've heard the stories about "when you
don't feel good about yourself, yadda, yadda, yadda, but even at my most
obese (at 305 pounds I was quite large) I still felt "good" about
myself. I dressed well, thought I looked well groomed, had better self
esteem than people would think I had reason for :) As I lost weight
though, it was an eye opener. Strangers started being nice to me. They
would talk to me in the checkout line, hold the door, speak in the
elevator. This happened at around a size 18 maybe? There seems to be this
unknown line where you cross over from being "OMG, she's HUGE",
to being "OK, heavy, but not scary". Then there's another stage
which for me was about a size 10 where the guys start NOTICING you, even
your friends who are guys, way too much. I posted something about this on
my profile because it's sad how much appearance matters to some people, and
you can really tell who those people are. At around this point, certain
women start getting less friendly to you. A good friend of mine didn't
recognize me at the gym the other day. I had run into her husband who I
hadn't seen in months, and she had a fit because she thought he was talking
to some "hot chick" LOL. I'm far from that, but it shows how
people start to view you differently. It use to make me mad that I'm
somehow more "worthy" now, but right or wrong, it's the way some
people (alot of people) are, and I just try to go out of my way to be
friendly, especially to anyone MO.
— mom2jtx3
June 18, 2003
Honestly I don't know if it ever ends. I was at a family party a few
weekends ago and my hubby's brother was telling a story in which at one
point involved these "fat chicks" well as he got to fat chicks he
kinds trailed off that part...and every one looked at me! WHY DID EVERYONE
LOOK AT ME??? I'm a normal 135 pounds now! Yes I used to be MO...its very
weird and some people just never change. It hurt my feelings that maybe
these people still see me that way.
— Lucky Gal U.
June 18, 2003
Hi Joyce- Could it have been that the geneology guy didn't recognize you
right away because of your new blonde highlights and perhaps more weight
loss? But if not, I know how it feels to be that non-important fat person,
that "oh yeah, what was your name again?" girl. I don't think we
can change people's perceptions, but I vow that after I have my WLS and am
a human size again, I will never forget this feeling and will always treat
obese people with just a little more kindness. The people whom I really
consider my friends see what's inside, the others I consider aquaintances.
Great job so far, keep on losing! Mea
— Mea A.
June 18, 2003
As for not being noticed, I do not know anything about that. When people
see me - all 300 pounds of me - they certainly remember me. I even make
jokes about how you can't miss me. When teaching my son to stay near me
when in the car parking lot, he used to be worried that the cars wouldn't
see us - I said "Honey, they see ME! They wouldn't want to wreck
their car by running into me."
I think about how, as a thin and average-looking person, will people
remember me? I think so because I am very outgoing, but if I start to
blend into the crowd, that will NOT bother me one bit - happy to be just
average, not so big I'm blazened into someone's memory!
As for the fat chick jokes - they have always offended me, and I hope they
still do when I'm not the fattest chick around. Its the same as racism and
sexism - picking on a group of people just because they are different.
Unfortunately for your friend, if someone let a fat-chick comment slip out
around me, I'm afraid they'd be sorry they came that night! I'm a
confrontational person about certain things, but in a non-confrontational
method - as in - I make a direct challenge to what they've said, but in a
non-personally-threatening way. Such as...if that guy said "dumb,
fat" he would get pierced with my eyes, and shamed by my laughing come
back of "If fat equals dumb, you consider yourself a genius I
assume?" or "She can loose weight, but will you grow up?"
As a kid being picked on a lot in school, I was once told that the best way
to treat a person making negative personal comments (bullying or whatever)
was to use intellectual replies, it usually takes them a minute to realize
they've whacked verbally, and that you have a superior mind, even if you
outwardly are lacking a model figure.
As for being skipped by someone making introductions, you could wait until
the end and introduce yourself with a flourish - as in "and to save
the best for last...I'm Beth! Nice to meet you!"
— bethybb
June 18, 2003
After reading my entry, guess I said I make non-personally threatening
remarks, but the examples I gave are certainly personally threatening - I
guess I meant that I try to make it lighthearted - but obviously if I'm as
upset about this as I think I would have been in your shoes, I might make
poor choices with words like in my examples. The non-threatening versions
I should have said were more like "fat can be temporary, but stupid is
forever" or "feel better now?", implying that by making such
stupid comments is certainly unnecessary.
— bethybb
June 18, 2003
another county heard from, here!! anyone else remember the interview
gwyneth paltrow gave, after filming 'shallow hal'?? she dressed in a 'fat
suit', and went to a lounge in nyc...and was ignored by everyone she
crossed paths with. she said, in that interview, that she had an 'eye
opener' on how we are treated, and that she hadn't had a clue what it was
like, (to be an obese woman) until then. well, she really still doesn't
have a clue, but, she might have the beginnings of one. yes, there are
people who try to erace us from their reality. there are also people who
don't make strong first impressions. and there are people who have
terrible memories, and/or who have other things on their minds, and don't
remember a new and/or casual acquaintance. that guy might have been any
one of those people. and, there are many people who carry more baggage
than can be weighed and measured on a scale. not to be confrontational,
but why would you EXPECT to be remembered? it is nice to be recognized,
it's great to be complimented when our weightloss is seen (and it hurts
when it feels like it's not noticed) BUT, ultimately, we are responsible
for our own happiness. it's unfair to impose that burden on anyone else.
btw, did you think to mention that he had loaned you a book?? that sort of
memory jog can be useful. as far as the outdoor cafe scene... it IS
possible that the person who left to use the restroom, might have been
perceived as leaving for the evening... people often DO that. your
friend's comment (which was aborted, but not fast enough)was hurtful, but,
probably not intended to hurt YOU. there are people who haven't sufficient
command of the language, and attempt to substitute one insulting or hurtful
word, for any other one. haven't you ever heard people use the words
'gay', 'nazi', 'communist', and others inappropriately? as
in..."that's so GAY...", or (as in the case of those who defended
napster) ..."those musicians are communists!!" (funny how
capitalism can be confused with communism...i must be showing my age, lol)
my point is that while your buddy is perhaps insensitive, and certainly
language challenged, he might not actually BE the creature you are viewing
him as. then, again, he might be... only you can tell that. there are,
and will always be, some people who choose to limit the people they allow
themselves to include in their lives. in fact, many, if not most, of us
do. however, the criteria used differs. perhaps, an unsolicited
suggestion..? if you are feeling good about yourself, why give anyone else
the power to change that? why should anyone else's validation be worth
that much? and, since you can't honestly agree with them, why should you
care what they think? there are, and will probably always be people, men,
women, who judge others exclusively on their external appearance. there
are fashion models who are told (at size 4) that they are 'porky' and need
to 'get it together'. are their judges correct? in their own minds,
perhaps, but that begins and ends inside their own heads. i'm sorry that
this might be a bit long. consider this, perhaps... any of us, who have
lived being morbidly obese, have had to adapt to being morbidly obese, and
while those adaptations included the physical, there are also emotional
ones. and while these were useful to survive while we were morbidly obese,
when we lose the weight, and stop being morbidly obese, we need to learn
new and better coping skills. we can't care about someone else's
perceptions, factual or not. we should care about those things which
belong to us.. our actions, our opinions, our selves....
— tuxedoll
June 18, 2003
I'm with Beth. Been big my ENTIRE life and I always felt like I stood out.
Surprises me when people feel they fade away because they're fat?
— Shelly S.
June 19, 2003
I'm going to have to agree that this sounds like a group of insensitive
people. Maybe this group has developed a dynamic of how to treat
"us" by the way you have allowed/encouraged them to treat you in
the past. If you were uncomfortable with your size/shape/whatever and tried
to mesh with the backround, then maybe they just became used to leaving you
there. As for the "geneology" guy, I also think it could have
been the hi-lights and additional weight loss, but who knows for sure. I
will say this, I have an absolutely beautiful teenage cousin who is NOT
overweight at all; she is constantly putting herself in the backround and
becoming a "doormat" of sorts for both the girls & boys in
her social circle. As I am going through my pre-op phase and re-examining
things in my life, I realized that she is so desperate to have people
"want" her around that she is willing to hide herself within them
for acceptance. I found this great book for her, which I am editing for
content since she is only 16, and the subtitle is "How to be a
Dreamgirl not a Doormat." No matter what size or shape or age we are,
I believe that if you present yourself in a positive light, have high
expectations of the people you associate yourself with and allow others to
ONLY treat you with respect (and weed out the ones that don't with a very
sharp weed-whacker) that you will not need to hide, blend in or be ashamed
any longer. Yes I am "super morbidly obese" (don't ask me how I
got here) but I deserve to be treated with respect. I think that's why we
all become so insular at some point; because we just don't think we will be
treated well. And that's a shame. But, it would be even more of a shame if
after all we have gone through to look and feel better and live longer,
that we didn't expect and demand the treatment we have ALWAYS deserved.
...Sorry, for the length. Just happens to be a BIG topic in my family right
now:o) Good Luck EVERYONE!
— nancy V.
June 19, 2003
Hi there:)
Just wanted to tell you...I think EVERYONE feels ignored or not good enough
sometimes. I have a group of THIN girlfriends (but I'm the life of the
party!! LOL) who get together every month, and we discussed this a while
back. Every one of them said that they felt that way at one time or
another. So I don't think it has to do with weight. I think people get
caught up in their own lives, and really don't pay attention to
anyone/anything going on around them. You don't know what was going on in
the 'rude guys' life that day. So who knows. I'm not making excuses for
bad behavior, just saying that it's not always intentional. Also, for the
times it IS intentional...I have a 12 year old son who I'm ashamed to say,
was one of a group of boys who was picking on a classmate this year. I had
to explain to him that picking on someone elses faults/weaknesses does not
make you superior...it makes you a small, pathetic person. (Yes, I marched
him over to the kids house and he apologized to the whole family for any
pain he caused!) But unfortunately, not everyone learns this lesson early
in life. You just have to accept that there are a-holes on this planet.
That's just the way it is. You can take your good-looking, well-dressed
self and ignore them:) Or you can let them ruin your day. I vote for the
former!
All the best!
— kathy B.
June 19, 2003
Hello, all, original poster here. I just wanted to send a great big THANK
YOU to all who responded. I'm feeling better, thank God, and will not
(well, will TRY not to) let buttheads get to me. I just need to calm down
a bit and keep on keepin' on. Imagine that at 250 lbs, I expected to NOT
be treated like an MO person. Duh! I don't mean "duh" for me, I
mean 250 is still heavy and, true as you all say, I'm gonna get the same
treatment for a while. It's not anybody's fault; I could do an oration on
the whole "overweight is the last acceptable prejudice" issue,
but we all know it. It's just that I felt so GOOD and SASSY that night.
It's OK, I will have the last laugh. I'm sure I'll see these guys again
and one day....they WILL remember me....oh, yes.....(tee hee). Anyway,
thanks again, you guys!!
— Joyce C.
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