Question:
My husband does NOT want me to have WLS
My husband and I were talking yesterday because I asked him to pick up the kids from school on Wednesday because I am going for my long awaited endoscopy appointment. He told me yes but he wasn't to thrilled about being cooperative because he does not want me to do this. He said he does not want to be left alone to raise our 4 children. Now I am so upset because he is assuming I am going to die. Iam so scared now. I have no co-morbities but my BMI is 43. He says you are healthy and are opening a can of worms. I really want to do this so I am just so confused right now. Any Advise????? Thank U — kumuat (posted on June 2, 2003)
June 2, 2003
Now is the time to get it down before the co-morbidites set in. Seven
years ago, I didn't have diabetes, lymphedema, and cholesterol problems (my
bad cholestrol was fine, but my good cholestrol was not high enough). I
was morbidly obese then, but the only co-morbidity I had at that time was
sleep apnea. Then the roof started falling in with co-morbidities. I'm
in a lot better shape now 10 1/2 months post-op and 177 pounds lighter...JR
— John Rushton
June 2, 2003
Jen at first thought my getting WLS was nuts. Then we had dinner with a
post op down 100 pounds, and both our PCPs supported the idea. Attend
support group meetings together, if he wouldnt go then go yourself make
some friends and have one over for dinner. All of this cn help convince him
surgery is safe and effective. You might also buy barb thompsons book. She
is a member here at the very bottom of my profile is a link to her site.
Its a awesome book!
— bob-haller
June 2, 2003
I had to post an answer to this question!! I experienced something very
similar to this. My husband seemed supportive, but when I talked about it
he shyed away from the subject until finally one day he pretty much said
the same thing that your husband said. You have to understand that they are
scared and more than likely because of their opinion of the surgery they
are not likely to learn as much as they can about it. Education about the
surgery as we all know is the best thing for us!! It helps if he
understands that there are several people out there who are very healthy
just overweight (like you and me!)one of the angles that I used with my
husband is this.....I would much rather go into any surgery as healthy as
possible...this is when the best results are seen, the more problems you
have the more risks there are. In any case if this is something that you
know you want to do you will have to be the strong one and find support
where you can! I have to say that my husband has an entirely different
viewpoint on things now that my surgery was successfull....I just had it
last week 5/29 so I am still recovering, but I am doing fantastic!! As soon
as I came out of surgery and he knew that I was OK..his whole attitude
changed. He even said that he was so proud of me. This is normal for his to
feel this way and to be honest if we put ourselves in their shoes we would
probably feel the same way. So here is my advice..try to educate him, but
don't push it, find support where you can and know that you are doing this
so that he doesn't end up raising your four children on his own!! God bless
you!!
— Felicia J.
June 2, 2003
My husband wasnt thrilled about WLS either. We have two kids and two foster
kids so he will have to babysit for three/four days while I am in the
hosptial. When I first told him what date (June 2nd) I was having surgery
he said "That date wont work with my schedule. You need to set it for
some time in September". I told him to kiss my (insert word). I also
told him that he was being selfish. I would jump through hoops if I had to
for him. After I made him feel guilty, I went on with my plans. When I had
to go for an EGD, he complained like crazy because I had to have a ride
there and back. I just ignored him (as usual....hehe). Today was my surgery
date and it was postponed at the last minute (this morning). Last night my
hubby was acting like a two year old. He was mad because the house wasnt
clean enough, this wasnt done, or yada yada. I just ignored him and focused
on my surgery. After I couldnt take his mouth or his slamming doors any
longer, I just plainly said "I am having major surgery tomorrow. If
something were to happen, would you really want out last night together to
be like this?". Then he changed completely. Now today, I will admit
that he has been supportive. I was sooooo upset when my surgery got
postponed. When I found out it will be this Wednesday, hubby said
"that will work out good". I dont want to offend any men or
stereotype anyone, but sometimes men just act freaking about their wives
having surgery. My husband and I have a strong relationship (we have been
married 10 years). I think my husband just getting nervous and handles that
in a different way. I try to overlook his behavior, because in the
end....he will be there for me and I know he loves me very much.
— S A.
June 2, 2003
You should have him read some of the literature about co-morbidities, and
how they will creep up on you if you maintain the same BWI. Have him talk
to your doctor. Get him involved with this process as much as you can if
you can. My spouse was not supportive at all before the surgery, but she
soon turned around after she realized I was doing this for me. I am now
more active and more healthy, even though I had no co-morbitities before
the surgery. By the way, this surgery is no more dangerous than any other
abdominal surgeries. The oft quoted 1 in 100 mortality rate includes
people who are very sick with many co-morbids. If you are healthy, you
should not have too many post-surgery issues.
— Tyrone T.
June 2, 2003
MY HUSBAND SAID THE EXACT SAME THING. TWO DAYS BEFORE MY SURGERY WAS
SCHEDULED, HE TOLD ME THAT HE JUST COULD NOT BE SUPPORTIVE BECAUSE HE
DIDN'T WANT ME TO DO IT. I HAD PRAYED ABOUT IT FOR A LONG TIME AND HAD
PEACE ABOUT IT. I TOLD HIM THIS AND THE MORE HE THOUGHT ABOUT IT, HE
FINALLY TOLD ME THAT HE WOULD SUPPORT ME IN MY DECISION, BUT HE WAS JUST
AFRAID OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN. HE INITIALLY THOUGHT THAT I WOULD NOT QUALIFY
DUE TO MY WEIGHT AND NO HEALTH PROBLEMS, BUT I DID. HE DIDN'T THINK I
NEEDED TO DO SOMETHING SO DRASTIC. I DID HAVE THE SURGERY ON 1-21-03 AND
HAVE HAD NO PROBLEMS AT ALL. I AM SO GLAD THAT I DID IT. MY BIGGEST FEAR
WAS THE SURGERY ITSELF AND MAKING IT THROUGH THE FIRST FEW DAYS. ONCE, I
MADE IT THROUGH, I KNEW EVERYTHING WAS GOING TO BE OK. I THINK IT IS VERY
COMMON FOR YOUR SPOUSE TO FEEL THIS WAY. I WISH YOU THE BEST AND HOPE IT
WORKS OUT FOR YOU.
PAM
— PAMELA S.
June 2, 2003
My husband felt the same way. fortunately, the doctor I was considering at
the time held a siminar and my DH went with me. The doctor said he refused
to do any surgery where the spouse was not supportive. He addressed every
relationship and health question my hubby had without even asking. And he
was honest. He said that the surgery doesn't change people (if you have
problems now you will have problems after the surgery). This morning my DH
said that he didn't want anything to happen to me and he would hunt down
the doctor if I died or had any long term problems and that he was only
supporting me becasue I asked him to do so. The bottom line is do research
and share with you DH.
— Karon G.
June 2, 2003
All the other posters are right. Educate him. But, the bottom line is that
its YOUR life and your decision. You don't need his approval! Yes, the
support would be nice but I'm 100% sure that afterwards and when the weight
starts dropping, he will be VERY supportive. Does he realize that if you
don't do this that he WILL eventually be alone to raise 4 kids? Its just a
slower process. Your basically healthy so there really isn't a big risk of
dying. Does he know that this has the same risks as ANY other sort of
surgery??
— Kris T.
June 2, 2003
A couple of things you can do. One is to make sure you tell him that the
reason you are doing this is so you can have a LONG HEALTHY LIFE WITH HIM.
That you don't WANT to leave him alone to raise the kids. And make sure
that he knows that just because you aren't sick NOW doesn't mean you won't
get sick. Obesity is a killer. Being a hundred pounds overweight is like
hitting 80,000 miles on an American-made car: Yeah, it runs fine now but
just wait another 10,000 miles!<p>Another thing you might try if he
is not overweight himself is to take him to the store and hand him a 20
pound bag of dog food. Then ask him to pick up four more and lug them
around while he does the shopping. Then ask him to imagine never being able
to put them down. When people aren't overweight they have no idea what it
can be like. That trick has opened more than a few minds of people who said
100 pounds is not that much.<p>Lastly, show him successes. Go to
support groups. Take him with you to dr appointments. Get him educated and
involved. I started out just like you with a BMI of 43. Now I have a BMI of
23 and most people say I am the healthiest person they know. I am almost
never sick now. The year before I had my surgery I came down with
everything under the sun. The key is to choose your surgeon wisely and do
what you need to do to keep yourself healthy. Make sure he knows that
you've done the research and are willing to commit to living a long,
healthy life.
— ctyst
June 2, 2003
I went through this a couple of weeks ago with my husband. He has been
supportive through this whole thing up until my last surgeon's appointment
when the surgeon said that he would do the surgery on me and that the
insurance stuff had been submitted. On the way home he was quiet and I
asked him what was wrong that is when he told me that he was scared that I
might die. I didn't know how to really handle this but I thought for a
minute and remembered how I keep convincing myself that this is the right
thing for me. I believe that if it is my time it will happen whether I am
on a operating table or not. When it is your time it is your time. I am at
peace with that and I explained to him that I could die tomorrow getting
run over by a truck, a heart attack or some person just might shoot me.
There was this movie not such a good one about these kids who got off an
airplane that crashed all of them then had to keep cheating death because
they were supposed to die on that plane. I think the moral of this whole
thing is that surgery is scary and men do not want to be alone I think that
shows how much he loves you. My husband told me he doesn't know how he will
live without me and I told him that is what I am trying to avoid.
— S C.
June 3, 2003
My husband was less than trilled when I told him I wanted to have this
surgery. He actually found this site (thank you Chris) and started reading
the true stories about this life saving procedure. It helped him
understand how I felt, why I felt I needed this surgery, and it eased his
fears of all the horror stories we hear about. His unwillingness to agree
to support me was due to his fear. After he started reading, his fears
disappeared and I've had an awesome, supportive husband through my journey.
Help your husband help you. Educate him. Find a profile that is simialr
to your life. There are so many great ones here. Hopefully then he too,
will change his view and support you. You need him in your corner. Best
of luck in your journey to a new life.
— adeas
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