Question:
How do you respond to people that go on and on about how fat you were?
This weekend at my nephews birthday party my sister-in-law had a bit too much to drink. She started going on and on about how she could never talk to me BEFORE when I was "fat", but now that I'm "thin", she can talk to me now. I'm sooo much prettier, and I'm soooo much nicer, and aren't I sooooo happy, yadda, yadda (I was ALWAYS nice BTW! But she did always seem to have a bit of a problem w/ me... now I know why) She then started telling me about the "fat" lady down the street and how everyone makes fun of her (although she says "but at least you always kept myself looking 'nice'"). Then she proceeds to tell me about comments she made about a "fat" girl in her daughters class. Anyway, it just went on and on. It was so offensive. I just sat there w/ my mouth hanging open. I have to see this woman for the rest of my life as my dh has a huge, close knit family, and I didn't tell her how offensive she was, I just tried to change the subject, but it's really BUGGING me. I know I should have said something, but what? Should I just let it go for the sake of family peace? Am I being overly sensitive? — mom2jtx3 (posted on April 29, 2003)
April 29, 2003
Oh, boy! She's GOT to be kidding! You might say to her that you've thought
about what she said and that you'd like to let her know, that you feel the
same way about her that you always have. And you could tell her that if she
ever gained weight, you'd still feel the same way about her. Just don't
actually tell her how you feel!! : )
I'm so blown away that someone could actually say someting like that, but I
have a feeling there are a lot of people who think like that but never
express it.
Good luck to you and congrats on you success. Don't let the turkeys get you
down!
— JoSyrNY
April 29, 2003
I do understand what you are saying. Everyday of my life someone makes
some type of comment about my size. People just don't seem to get that
they are not the only person who has had that witty comment or question
today. People make the most offensive statements to me and they probably
mean it as a compliment of sorts. I have had to tell people who make
comments that I really do understand that the change they see is hard to
get past, but they are going to have to try harder as I am not going to
tolerate constant stares, comments and questions. I am the same person I
was when I was morbidly obese, and if I am now more interesting, beautiful,
intriging, and pleasing to be around, then shame on them. Shame on them
all.
— Faith Pureson
April 29, 2003
OMG, drunk & stupid! You can't reason with a drunk or an idiot so I
don't think saying anything would have helped. You would have just been
more frustrated. Now you know whats in her heart (and warped mind) you can
choose to keep your relationship with her the same as it was pre-op. Why
should you allow her your friendship just because she likes you better
thin. Talk about shallow. Just think, this time its your decision to be
the cold, distant one having a problem with her instead of the reverse.
— Shelly S.
April 29, 2003
You basically have two choices.. either accept what she is saying and
disregard it after it is said. OR Tell her in a nice way how ignorant she
is. If you don't stop her in her tracks she will continue to say this to
you and to others like us who have had or have a weight problem. I think
you need to take her to a coffee house (out in an open environment)and
explain to her all the torment you have been through your life as a heavy
person. That you haven't changed other than your appearance. Maybe
"walking" her through some of your agony might open her eyes. If
this doesn't work, then you will have had your say. My wise brother told me
that if you allow people say things to you that you do not like, you are
giving them a license to do it again and again. It's time to stop her now
so it never happens again.
Good luck.
— MaxineB
April 29, 2003
I most wholeheartedly agree with the other posters, I would have definitely
told my SIL a thing or two, and have you told your husband, I would have
told my husband what she said to me and let him put her in her place,before
I put my foot in her you know where. Good luck with whatever decision you
decide to make, but definitely make sure you tell her how it made you feel
and how rude and ignorant her comments were.
— TotallyTori
April 29, 2003
I agree... ignorant and shallow. I would have to let her know how that
made you feel. No sense harboring anger and resentment now that you've lost
the weight. However... it is more for your sake than hers. Forgivness
will release you from the burden of anger... she may decide to still be
shallow and hurtful, but it will fall on her after she is
"enlightened" by you. Now... I have one thing to say to those
who may be lurking around and reading for fun. WHO ARE YOU TO SAY SOMETHING
HURTFUL TO MAKE A PERSON WHO'S SUFFERING HAVE A WORSE DAY THEN THEY ARE
ALREADY HAVING??? I am coining the words of Montel Williams who said this
on his show last week.
— Happy I.
April 29, 2003
At least you know one thing...if anything similar happened to you like this
before your surgery...you would have gone home and ate a whole chocolate
cake. So now you know what she is made of, retain that bit of information
for future reference and go on. You will be the better person.
— Jon S.
April 29, 2003
My mouth dropped when I read that, I can't imagine how you must have felt
hearing something like that, especially from a family member. Is this your
brother or husband's wife? I think you should tell him what she said and
confront her as well. She needs to know she was out of line and completely
immature and disrespectful. I have a friend who occassionaly makes comments
like "oh you never would have fit in that bus bathroom a few months
ago" Or "God, that wouldn't have fit you last year" and she
thinks its just great that I lost weight, but I don't think she realizes
how hurtful she is being. I don't think you're being overly sensitive at
all, you have every right to be upset, even furious at her! Was anyone
near by when she said these comments- or did anyone hear about it? She
could just keep doing this, so its best to let her know in my opinion. I
wish you the best- sorry you had to go through something like that!
— Lezlie Y.
April 29, 2003
You were wise to say nothing. Forgive her, she is a fool who obviously has
a problem with herself for having to judge people based on their
appearances. However, she is human and we all do and say not so nice things
to to others humans at one time or another...then we grow up and realize
that when people who continue to behave this way harbor self-hate.
Meanwhile, continue to love yourself and don't let other peoples
foolishness and insecurities mess with your head.
— Shayla527
April 29, 2003
The part that bothers me the MOST is that she said something to a
"fat" girl in her kid's class. That little girl doesn't have the
same coping mechanisms that adults have. I would say something to her about
THAT specifically, and all the rest of it, just generally say that you were
hurt and offended. But, that's just me. She's obviously got some kind of
"high and mighty" thing goin' on, to pick on a KID! I feel sorry
for HER kids, learning this kind of behavior. I have a magnet on my
refrigerator that says, I may be fat, but I can diet. You'll ALWAYS be
UGLY! But ya know what? You can't change other people. You can only change
how you react to them. She's an ass. That doesn't mean you HAVE to say
anything, or do anything. It just means now you KNOW she's an ass, and you
don't have to talk to her EVER, if you don't WANT to. Sheesh... some
people.
— Diana L.
April 29, 2003
Okay. Well. I read your post and I am absolutely mortified by your
sister-in-law's behavior. Not only did the booze give her courage that she
clearly never had before, but she is obviously a very mean-hearted person
for making comments about the "fat" kid in school. That is
ABSOLUTELY HORRENDOUS and INAPPROPRIATE behavior. I can almost get around
the fact that she was probably just running off at the mouth because of the
liquor, but obviously she says these types of things when sober. Honestly,
I would approach her, either on the phone - or in person - or even write
her a letter and tell her that you are very disappointed and hurt by her
terrible behavior. Why in the world would she think that because you have
lost your excess weight that you are open and accepting of those kinds of
judgements and behaviors? I am SO ticked off about this!!!! GIVE ME HER
NUMBER AND I'LL CALL HER AND TELL HER OFF! LOL J/K, but honestly, good
luck with this. You should take care of the situation and get it off your
chest, or it's just going to blow up in a big mess one day.
— Cheryl M.
April 29, 2003
One of my (always thin) friends told me after I had WLS that she and her
other thin friends always referred to Lane Bryant as "Lame
Giant". I was sooooooo hurt and offended! It made me lose some respect
for her and I told her that. It's sad that women feel the need to put down
other women - where's the sisterhood? I think she thought that now that I
was "thin", I was now on "their side" and she
comfortably put down fat people in front of me. I set her straight. I
probably didn't change how she acts around other people, but she definitely
won't be pulling that crap around me anymore. Your SIL's behavior TOWARD
YOU is only going to continue until you set some boundaries.
— Angie M.
April 29, 2003
Linda,
OH MY GOD Girl! I can not believe how stupid and shallow this woman is! I
have had issues for years with my Father-in-law saying ugly things to me,
and it was harder for me to shut him down, because he was my FIL, ya know?
So I know your dillema. However...even if she doesn't say anything again,
it sounds like it bothered you enough to not let it go. You owe it to
yourself and for the voice of the obese to say SOMETHING!
I might say something like "How do you expect me to respond to what
you are saying?" And gently demand an answer from her. This would
open up good conversation for you to educate her. If she says, "I
don't know" say, "It sounds to me as if you think that I
judge/judged fat people. Does that make any logical sense to you since I
was once obese?" Again, expect an answer and don't let her change the
subject. She needs to know that what she is saying is painful, whether it
was intentional or not. Look at what she is doing to others, and children
for God's sake! You can do it. You owe it to yourself. Tell her you were
able to change your weight, and don't judge fat people then ask her what
she is willing to change about herself, so that you won't judge her!
— Michele B.
April 29, 2003
Wow...imagine her hangover when she's starts thinking about what she said
to you.... I wouldn't want to be her. But, you were smart not to say
anything and I don't think you should approach her with it ever. What's
done is done. BUT (big BUT) in the future, I hope you find the courage to
excuse yourself from her ramblings...go to the bathroom, find your child,
answer the phone, call waiting....whatever! I wouldn't cause trouble in
the family. She'll figure it out and feel like such a fool. BTW, I do NOT
think you're being oversensitive...skinnies don't realize we still think
like a fat person, because fat isn't who we were/are!
— msmaryk
April 29, 2003
I know my opinion will be a bit different than some here, though I respect
all of your ideas. Michele, right on with your suggestions.
The thing is, in these sorts of situations I feel like silence=agreement.
If I'm in a group of people and someone tells an offensive racist joke, I
speak up. I know some aren't comfortable with that, but I really feel like
it's a moral thing.
— Maria N.
April 29, 2003
You have experienced first hand the extreme prejudice that exists in our
society against the obese. We are looked down upon as "flawed",
that we "lack self control", do not have "good
hygiene", infringe upon thin people's space, etc.
It is so important for all of us on the other side of WLS to NEVER forget
what it was like for us everyday! So many others are walking in our shoes
- either waiting for WLS or never being able to have it because of
finances!
Tell your SIL this! Take a few minutes and explain to her what it is like
to walk in our shoes!
— Susan B.
April 29, 2003
Linda, I am so sorry you had this experience. As being severly obese I
have been subject of ridicule from my husbands family for a long time. I
sometimes am a "no show" at family events for fear of the
criticism. Once while looking for a new job my brother in law tells me
that they are hiring dispatchers at his work and I would feel right at home
because most of them were larger than me. My father in law is always
making comments about people being "fat" or if he gains an ounce
or two how "fat" he is getting. My mother in law commented on
her step daughter that she has no self esteem since she got
"fat". I wonder if they realize the hurt each of these cause,
and I am fearful that once I have surgery (5/16) that I will hear the same
kind of degrading comments that you are. Again - I am sorry for the
stupidity and hurt this woman caused you. - JG
— J G.
April 29, 2003
People like your sister-in-law are more aware of what they're doing than
you think. Your sister-in-law (drunk of not) picked a family gathering to
embarass you and trust me, it was no mistake. Bullies are very deliberate
in their bullying, and they also know who won't fight back. Taking the
so-called "high road" and remaining silent is the equivalent of
remaining a victim. You don't have to drop down to someone's level to
straigten them out (screaming, yelling, etc.), but YOU NEED TO STRAIGHTEN
HER OUT! I may be a bit out of step with much of the advice given so far,
but I'm a FIRM believer in nipping situations and particularly people in
the bud, at the moment it happens; NEVER LET THINGS FESTER. The best
remedy for a bully is to catch them off guard, and break them down on the
spot! I know this sounds harsh, but what your sister-in-law dished out was
harsh and she deserves to know what it feels like to be on the receiving
end of such disrespect and cruelty. (By the way, any ADULT who belittles a
child is just plain evil in my book. Your sister-in-law is obviously a
VERY insecure woman, but no one in your family should allow her to ruin a
child's self esteem!)
— Leni M.
April 29, 2003
As the comedian Margaret Cho just stated in her stand up act. . .
SILENCE=NONEXISTANCE. I think that we have to stand up as one of the last
segments of society that are still ridiculed and belittled. I usually set
back and take it but it is time to start standing up and stopping the
predjudice.
— Mike H.
April 29, 2003
Linda~ Since I was a "fat" child this really strikes a nerve
with me. I showed horses and was always the "little chubby
girl". These comments have stayed with me into adulthood. PLEASE say
something to your SIL, wether it be in private or in public. Ridicule is
the worst part of this desease!!!!Hugs to you!!!!
— mytime
April 29, 2003
I understand completely. It's very hard for me, my mother does it to me ALL
the time and it hurts, esp. when she or someone else comments on my wedding
pictures. I got married less than a month before my surgery (last August)
and I was at my highest weight ever (370ish), it pains me to look at them
myself (I have lost 119 pounds) and that hurts, since my wedding day was
one of the best days of my entire life. It just hurts when people comment
about how large I was and how they can't believe it, etc...I was that
person for years and just because I am 119 pounds lighter, that doesn't
make it okay in my book for people to have free license to attack our
former appearances. I finally told my mother that it hurts me when she
makes comments like that, esp. about my wedding. She doesn't really
understand, but has stopped.
— Ladybug M.
April 29, 2003
i know you want to keep family peace.....but if you are this upset there is
no peace. you are part of the family too. people forget we are still the
same person we were before the weightloss. when they say hurtful things
about us being MO they seem to think you have stepped out of your old body
and have a new one. that the fat comments don't count because you aren't MO
anymore. your sister-in-law sounds really petty. who does she think she is
to imply "you weren't good enough" when you were MO? i think your
sister-in-law is the type of person who won't respone or even get the point
if you just talk to her alone in private. and what kind of mother would
teach her child to be mean or spiteful to another child? because i am very
sure she isn't careful around her child when she is dishing out her
wonderful fat comments.the next time you are with other people and she
starts being rude, tell her to look in the mirror........her meanness is
far more offensive and ugly than being MO. good luck!
— franbvan
April 29, 2003
I would do the same thing to her as I would do to a racist or bigot. Some
people blast them others do nothing. Myself, I have to say something (big
mouth) I hate hurtful predejuce <sp> on all levels. I would say
something biting about her. A nice person might ask her to walk a mile in
thier shoes or let one who is perfect cast the first stone. Good lux
— Robert L.
April 29, 2003
Since you didn't say something at the moment, I'd talk to your DH first.
If he understands your position and respects all you've accomplished
(hopefully with his support) then at least he'll understand if there's some
tension in the air in the future.
Although I would NOT have been able to hold my tongue, I commend you for
doing so at the time. Knowing me, I would have flown off the handle and
we'd really have a mess.
Dealing with it now (should) let her know that it was important enough to
stick with you and is still causing you some concern.
Good luck.
— Diane S.
April 29, 2003
What's wrong with telling her how you find her attitude shallow and
comments offensive. I think we too often think we have to accept such
boorish behavior, but I think your needs have just as much right to exist
as hers. Of course you were dealing with a drunk, so you'd be wasting your
breath, but I think if she ever spoke to me like that, I would say
something like, "I know you mean well, but I find your comments
offensive and your attitude about obese people ignorant and shallow.
Perhaps we should change the subject lest this disagreement take an ugly
turn." Good Luck!
— merri B.
April 30, 2003
At the next family gathering you might mention to her that she should lay
off the sauce since she seems to say some really stupid things when she is
drunk. Say this sweetly, like you are really concerned for her. If she acts
like she doesn't understand say, "you know, that rant about fat
people. I can't believe you could be that shallow and hateful." I
would attempt this semi privately, not loudly in front of the whole family,
the first time but if she gets drunk again and starts ranting, then again
tell her she really needs to stop drinking since it makes her so ugly. Say
this in front of whoever is around when she is ranting. You might suggest
AA. "I'm only concerned for you." Kill 'em with kindness!! Peace
— Sunny S.
April 30, 2003
I am not a violent person BUT.. I would have stood up, slapped her across
her face, and said "that is for every fat person that you have ever
crossed paths with and thought to yourself, oh my God, how gross. You have
shown me your true colours and I want nothing more to do with you EVER
family or not! You are truly a bitch." If you don't say or do
something then how will she ever know what a nasty bitch she is? People
like her are clueless as to how they hurt people.
Violence is not my thing but I have fealt rage before just like most of us
obese ppl have fealt. People like your s-i-l need to be shut down so they
don't continue spewing their predjudicial thoughts like it's ok to do that.
Hugs to you for having put up with her for so long and my condolences to
you for her having to be in your family circle.
— mary ann T.
April 30, 2003
I agree with Sunny's approach. Kill her with loads of kindness with just a
dab of sarcasm thrown in. An intelligent person never stoops to a stupid
person's level of anger and irrationality. We smile sweetly and strongly
suggest a remedy for what ails that particular person. By the way, I am a
Scorpio -- we don't get mad, we get even! :) But don't get even by raising
your blood pressure or getting yourself arrested for assault & battery.
This kind of person isn't worth it. And I firmly believe the Good Lord will
eventually give them their due. - Anna
— Anna L.
April 30, 2003
Linda, I applaude you for not stooping down to her level, but she should
not have gotten away with it. Bullies need to feel powerful over the rest
of us. I think you need to have a talk with your brother. Let him know how
hurt you were by her comments. He should have been totally embarrassed by
them also. My brothers and I are very close. Neither of them would have sat
by while their wife was being so hateful. So I suggest you have a private
sit down with him. He needs to look out that his wife doesn't cause all
kinds of family problems. Remeber.... Blood is thicker than Water. Spouse
come and go... Family is forever!
— Karin C.
April 30, 2003
Several years ago I was going out with some friends in Boston, where we
have lot of pan-handlers and mentally unstable people on the street. This
one panhandler, who also appeared mentally unstable, saw me and started
making all sorts of derogatory comments about me and my size, which I of
course found very embarrasing and humiliating - not to mention that I was
fearing what my friends might really think about me at my size. Well, one
of the men (Conor) with me allayed my fears that evening. Conor approached
this man, who was pan-handling in front of the bank ATM we were all using,
and stretched out his hand with a $20 bill and asked him if he wanted it?
Of course the man said yes. To which Conor retracted his hand and told this
man that it was too bad that he had said the things he had about me because
now Conor would not be giving him the money. I share this for two reasons:
1) Your story reminded me of how that felt and how stunned we can be by the
cruelty and prejudice against the obese that lies so close to the surface
in so many people. Now that you know how this "out-law" of an
in-law feels about you, prepare yourself for the next time and tell in her
in no uncertain terms that her opinions are unwelcome and that you are and
always have been the person she now sees; and 2) I tell you this story so
because not everyone is like this. I have numberous friends with whom I
have spoken about my obesity and how it feels like the most visible thing
about me and they all tell me that they don't even see me this way. They
see the inner me, what I would call my soul. So, limit your interactions
and time with this woman and cultivate your friendships that feed your
soul, the real essence of you, no matter what your size. Many blessings to
you and congratulations on your success. Robin
— rebalspirit
April 30, 2003
Linda,I would tell her how sorry I am for her. When you look at how many
people are overweight. If she will only talk to small people she is missing
out on all these big beautiful people, that have families, friends and
lives.
To be so insecure in herself that she can't be open with someone she sees
as being different.Maybe the best way to fight these views is to pity
people like her. That she would tell you she couldn't talk to when you were
biggier is awful. But to attack a child is down right mean. When I first
read what she said i was horrified and angry then I thought about it and
realized how sad she can't even say what she feels unless she drunk. And to
not want to meet other people? My best to you. My sympathy to her.
— carla S.
April 30, 2003
Bottom line - she's a pig! Tell her off, she deserves it, and let it go.
I'm fortunate that my family has been supportive, especially my husband.
We have another couple we hang around with and after I had my sugery, the
wife kept asking me how much weight I've lost, and when I'd tell her she
would always come back with "Well, you took the easy way out"
(meaning WLS is easy). She would always take the opportunity to point out
how my "little pouch" couldn't hold that much, etc. Well, my
husband knew how much it bothered me about her comments, and one time out
of my ear-shot he told her the I didn't take the easy way out, that WLS was
a committment for the rest of my life and about how long I tried to lose
weight with dieting and exercise alone. He told her about how I grew up
with a Father who always complained about my weight and how long and hard I
fought and prayed about having this life-saving surgery. He told her how
glad he was that I was able to have WLS and that hopefully I will be here
on earth with him longer and how much he loves me, fat or thin. Well....
she hasn't said a word about it since then, and we are all friends and
enjoy each others company sooo much more now. I love my husband - what a
guy! Good luck to you, keep your chin up!
— Annette H.
April 30, 2003
Unfortunately your sister-in-law reminds me a great deal of my very own
family. We might expect these kinds of comments from the idiot
acquaintance, but certainly not our own families. Sounds like she wants to
be irritating. And if you let her know how that she has offended you, then
she will get exactly what she wanted. I like the post that suggested you
kill her with kindness, because it drives people like that absolutely
crazy. Myself on the otherhand, well, I would remind her that you are
thankful to God that you can do something about your weight, but you feel
so sorry for people who are cruel and ugly. You should ask her if there is
maybe a surgery that can help her with that, then see if she continues to
treat you so differently.
— Leesa_here
April 30, 2003
I've developed a new way for dealing with people like this. I start asking
questions like "are you prejudiced against tall people?"
"are you prejudiced against bald people?" "are you
prejudiced against people with green eyes?"......on and on....you get
the point and then at the end of the speel....then why would you be
prejudiced against fat people--is something wrong with you--I thought you
were more intelligent than that?" Put the person on the defensive.
If you think about fat prejudice, it's insane. Why would anyone in their
right minds hold a prejudice against someone because of size? It doesn't
make them any less of a person. I just refuse to be on the defensive
because of my size and anyone who can't handle that deserves to be
ridiculed for their prejudices.
— Cathy S.
April 30, 2003
Wow, I love the answers here. I admire you for not flying off the handle
and giving your SIL a piece of your mind. I know I would not have had the
same amount of self control. But now that you have thought about it, I
agree with the others that say if you do not say something, it gives her a
license to think that you agree with her and that her behavior is
acceptable. I can't help but think of that overweight child in her
daughters class and wonder if she make her "fat" girl comments to
her daughter about this child in her class. I liked Maxine's reply the
best. Take your SIL out for coffee, just you and her, and let her in to
the agony of being overweight-in other words, have her walk a mile in your
pre-op shoes, and tell her how painful life was to those overweight,
especially the crude comments and predujice we faced when obese. You don't
have to tell her how offensive she was to you, but by educating her to what
it is like living as an obese person, it may help to open her eyes.
— Cindy R.
May 1, 2003
Just my 2 cents, I like Sunny and Carla's answers, but what ever you chose,
I agree that you need to say something. I also believe that
silience=acceptence. I realize this woman was drunk but we do need to be
responsible for our actions as adults despite our excuse of the moment.
Think what you would have thought had this woman had been speaking to your
daughter! And remember, she is passing her ignorance on to her children by
making fun of their peers, her children are now learning this behavior! I
would say something, but I would wait until she was NOT drunk and I
wouldn't let her get away with using her drunkeness as an excuse! God
Bless! <><
— garnet156
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