Question:
My BF is so NOT supportive!!

So I decide to tell my significant other of my hoping to have WLS. He is completely against it and is making comments at me over everything I eat or drink. I grabbbed a Reg. Coke and not a Diet and he said,"So you want to get your stomach butchered and slaughtered and your going to drink a regular coke??" Is it just me or is this VERBAL ABUSE???    — Shannon D. (posted on April 27, 2003)


April 27, 2003
Assuming your BF is thin, he probably is just like the rest of society... he just doesn't understand and needs to be educated. Why not let him go with you to a lecture? He needs to know this is not about regular or diet coke... it's about a severe metabolic difference in thin and obese people, genetic predisposition, and some emotional eating issues that they obviously do not deal with. He just may be scared and needs to be educated.
   — Happy I.

April 27, 2003
Dump him.. he wouldn't last though your weight loss anyway. (lack of control on his part) Life is too short to put up with that kind of B.S. ! Good luck!!
   — SJP

April 27, 2003
Kick him to the curb. Once you have this surgery you will have such a positive attitude you just want need anyone around trying to bring you down. The post op thing is real hard too and you don't need anyone making it harder. This is your life and you are the one that is going to benefit from it. Not him.
   — D. Bell

April 27, 2003
Ok... don't shoot me... I sympathize with you and your BF does sound a bit undiplomatic and scared...he may be scared of losing you to the surgery OR of losing the sexy new you to some other guy!! But... you really should be doing everything you can to help yourself toward permanent weight loss and one of the things you can do before surgery to ensure success is reduce your caloric intake and increase your exercise. The calorie reduction prepares you for the severe shrinkage of your food intake after WLS and the exercise strengthens your body. In addition, the more you weigh, the higher surgical risks you take. Why take greater risks and ultimately have more weight to lose? I know that sometimes you just gotta have a Coke...I understand, but why do more damage to yourself by adding non-value added calories if you're serious about weight loss? If you had reached for a regular Coke out of habit, maybe you could have responded with "thanks honey! I didn't even realize!!" and then replaced the Coke with a diet drink. Your BF may be more supportive if he sees your trying to help yourself and are not soley relying on the WLS to solve your weight issues; WLS is not a miracle cure - it requires a lot of work on your part. I agree that it would be a big asset to your pursuit of WLS if your BF accompanied you to some support group meetings just to get a different perspective. Again, I can sympatize with your plight. Been there done that... but I'm happy to say that I lost 22lbs prior to surgery and have lost an additional 15 since and I'm only 11 days post-op. I'm glad my surgeon insisted that I help myself before he would help me. Think of it... I'm now down 37lbs and if I'd waited for the surgery, I'd only be down 15... I prefer the 37. Take care and I wish you all the luck in the world. Do what you can to bring your BF into your world - talk to him about your pain, your experiences, expectations, your need for his understanding and support and if he still behaves like a jerk, THEN kick him to the curb. :)
   — Judy N.

April 27, 2003
Shannon~ you said in your profile that your boyfriend is controlling.His lack of support is probably out of fear.He's probably afraid that if you are thinner then you might leave him.It's really self serving on his part because if he really loved and cared about you then he would be supportive of something that would improve your health.
   — jennifer A.

April 27, 2003
OK. EITHER HE REALLY ONLY LIKES FAT WOMEN OR HE IS INSECURE. IF ITS THE FIRST, TELL HIM TO FORGET IT AND FIND HIMSELF ONE OF THOSE FAT GIRL CLUBS FOR MEN WHO JUST CANT GET ENOUGH OF FAT WOMEN. MORE POWER TO THEM. IF IT IS THE SECOND AND HE IS INSECURE, GOOD. HE KNOWS THAT WHEN YOU LOSE THE WEIGHT YOU WILL FEEL GOOD ENOUGH ABOUT YOURSELF AND HAVE ENOUGH CONFIDENCE TO GO GET YOURSELF A REAL MAN INSTEAD OF SETTLING FOR HIM. I KNOW PEOPLE WILL PROBABLY HAVE COMMENTS ABOUT THIS, BUT, DRINK ALL THE COKE YOU WANT. YOU WONT BE ABLE TO LATER. GO OUT TO EAT EVERY DAY. EVENTUALLY YOU WILL BE ABLE TO GO OUT TO EAT AGAIN, BUT NEVER IN THE QUANTITY OF BEFORE SURGERY. IF YOU ENJOY YOUR FOOD A LOT, EAT ALL YOU WANT NOW. DONT DEPRIVE YOURSELF NOW. SOME OTHER POSTER SAID "OH JUST THINK, IF I HADNT DIETED BEFORE SURGERY, I WOULD HAVE NOT LOST THAT EXTRA 15 POUNDS BY NOW." BIG DEAL. SO SHE MISSED OUT ON ALL THAT WONDERFUL FOOD PRE-OP. THE WEIGHT FALLS OFF OF YOU FAST ENOUGH AFTER SURGERY. AT THE SIX MONTH MARK, THAT LITTLE OLD 15 POUNDS SHE LOST PRE-OP WOULD HAVE COME OFF ANYWAY. TELL YOUR BOYFRIEND TO PUT ON A FAT SUIT FOR A WEEK AND THEN HE CAN TELL YOU ABOUT DIETING. GO FOR THE SURGERY. IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE IN EVERY WAY AND FOR THE BETTER. BEST OF LUCK.(9 MONTHS POST OP. DOWN 125 POUNDS) AND LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF IT.)
   — christina K.

April 27, 2003
Hi there. I wanted to let you know that I had responses from my family members like this. They were not excited AT ALL to hear this was the decision I had made. However, I took it upon myself to do so much research and learned everything I possibly could about the surgery. I became a sponge and I soaked them! I feel like honesty is the VERY BEST policy and no matter what others think EVEN your BF you need to think of yourself, your health, how your quality of life is right now, how you feel when you wake up each day, etc. You can not worry about what others says or think. They are not you. They are not in your shoes each and every day struggling with this. I have some suggestions for you. Become the sponge! Soak up every piece of knowledge, every fact, statistic, you name it. Then soak your BF with them. Include him every step of the way. Take him with you the meetings. Get him to read materials. Invite him to the doctor with you. But always, always, always keep in mind that you and only are making this decision. Again my own parents were not for this at all. It was too drastic, it was too harsh, I hadn't tried hard enough, I just needed to watch what I ate. BLAH BLAH BLAH! Now I am going on 14 weeks post-op, down 66 pounds, and my entire family and all of my friends are totally supportive. So supportive that my father is in the process of getting approved for the surgery b/c of how well I have done. I will pray for you and your BF. Sometimes you just have to say "this is about me and my life and my decision and if you don't support me it will hurt but I have to do this".
   — Kitty Kat

April 27, 2003
First of all..you're an adult..noone can tell ou not to have surgery..you have to make choices that are right for YOU..noone has to live in that body but you..if he doesnt like it..or tell you no..doesn't that tell you something? I'm not tryng to be harsh..but you cannot allow someone else to determine the quality of your life..it's his problem..not yours..you need what you feel is best in your heart..to live a happier..healthier life..and bet on this..if and when you do have surgery..and you lose the weight..you'll feel so good about yourself..that you wont tolerate his BS anymore..it's funny how WLS changes us and helps us to rid ourselves of toxic people from our life..I wish you much luck and i'll keep you in my prayers..STAY STRONG ;)
   — [Deactivated Member]

April 28, 2003
I would butcher HIM! sorry lol Why would you surround yourself with negative people? Are you better off with or without him? Good luck!
   — msmaryk

April 28, 2003
I went through this with my EX husband, husband at the time. I wanted this surgery and researched and did what I could to lose the weight. No matter how much I lost it came back plus what I call bonus pounds. My ex was not supportive, told me that I could NOT have this surgery and complained about anything I put in my mouth, mine however went further then just verbal abuse. Now 7 years later and three years after leaving him I have 11 co morbids that may have been avoided if I would have done what I felt I needed to do. YOU need to do what YOU feel is best for YOU not what HE wants. Being in a controlling relationship is not anymore healthy then being obese. Take care of yourself in everyway that you can. If you need someone to talk to please e mail me.
   — Nancy S.

April 28, 2003
All I can say I would be posting about my EX boyfriend if that was me!! **13 mnths PO, -200lbs, crt wgt 120**
   — smedley200

April 28, 2003
Yes this is verbal abuse, BUT before "dumping" him I would try talking to him first. Advise him that this hurts your feelings and tell him why you want to have this surgery. Most people who use phrases about surgery being "butchering" or "radical" usually are uninformed about the procedure and the reasons for it. Tell him you want him to understand and support you. If he loves you he will try to be understanding even if he does not agree with having surgery at this moment. If he is totally unwilling to talk about it and try to understand, then I would consider taking a look at whether or not this person is a healthy influence in your life. I know many people are quick to tell you to get rid of him, but I would suggest trying to work it out first before you just get rid of a relationship (that is, as long as you want this relationship to continue!) :) Maybe he is scared that you will leave him or that you will have complications, maybe he doesn't know what wls surgery entails, etc. Give him the benefit of the doubt first and then see where your relationship stands. Good luck!
   — beeda




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