Question:
My BF is so NOT supportive!!
So I decide to tell my significant other of my hoping to have WLS. He is completely against it and is making comments at me over everything I eat or drink. I grabbbed a Reg. Coke and not a Diet and he said,"So you want to get your stomach butchered and slaughtered and your going to drink a regular coke??" Is it just me or is this VERBAL ABUSE??? — Shannon D. (posted on April 27, 2003)
April 27, 2003
Assuming your BF is thin, he probably is just like the rest of society...
he just doesn't understand and needs to be educated. Why not let him go
with you to a lecture? He needs to know this is not about regular or diet
coke... it's about a severe metabolic difference in thin and obese people,
genetic predisposition, and some emotional eating issues that they
obviously do not deal with. He just may be scared and needs to be
educated.
— Happy I.
April 27, 2003
Dump him.. he wouldn't last though your weight loss anyway. (lack of
control on his part) Life is too short to put up with that kind of B.S. !
Good luck!!
— SJP
April 27, 2003
Kick him to the curb. Once you have this surgery you will have such a
positive attitude you just want need anyone around trying to bring you
down. The post op thing is real hard too and you don't need anyone making
it harder. This is your life and you are the one that is going to benefit
from it. Not him.
— D. Bell
April 27, 2003
Ok... don't shoot me... I sympathize with you and your BF does sound a bit
undiplomatic and scared...he may be scared of losing you to the surgery OR
of losing the sexy new you to some other guy!! But... you really should be
doing everything you can to help yourself toward permanent weight loss and
one of the things you can do before surgery to ensure success is reduce
your caloric intake and increase your exercise. The calorie reduction
prepares you for the severe shrinkage of your food intake after WLS and the
exercise strengthens your body. In addition, the more you weigh, the
higher surgical risks you take. Why take greater risks and ultimately have
more weight to lose? I know that sometimes you just gotta have a Coke...I
understand, but why do more damage to yourself by adding non-value added
calories if you're serious about weight loss? If you had reached for a
regular Coke out of habit, maybe you could have responded with "thanks
honey! I didn't even realize!!" and then replaced the Coke with a diet
drink. Your BF may be more supportive if he sees your trying to help
yourself and are not soley relying on the WLS to solve your weight issues;
WLS is not a miracle cure - it requires a lot of work on your part. I
agree that it would be a big asset to your pursuit of WLS if your BF
accompanied you to some support group meetings just to get a different
perspective. Again, I can sympatize with your plight. Been there done
that... but I'm happy to say that I lost 22lbs prior to surgery and have
lost an additional 15 since and I'm only 11 days post-op. I'm glad my
surgeon insisted that I help myself before he would help me. Think of
it... I'm now down 37lbs and if I'd waited for the surgery, I'd only be
down 15... I prefer the 37. Take care and I wish you all the luck in the
world. Do what you can to bring your BF into your world - talk to him
about your pain, your experiences, expectations, your need for his
understanding and support and if he still behaves like a jerk, THEN kick
him to the curb. :)
— Judy N.
April 27, 2003
Shannon~ you said in your profile that your boyfriend is controlling.His
lack of support is probably out of fear.He's probably afraid that if you
are thinner then you might leave him.It's really self serving on his part
because if he really loved and cared about you then he would be supportive
of something that would improve your health.
— jennifer A.
April 27, 2003
OK. EITHER HE REALLY ONLY LIKES FAT WOMEN OR HE IS INSECURE. IF ITS THE
FIRST, TELL HIM TO FORGET IT AND FIND HIMSELF ONE OF THOSE FAT GIRL CLUBS
FOR MEN WHO JUST CANT GET ENOUGH OF FAT WOMEN. MORE POWER TO THEM. IF IT
IS THE SECOND AND HE IS INSECURE, GOOD. HE KNOWS THAT WHEN YOU LOSE THE
WEIGHT YOU WILL FEEL GOOD ENOUGH ABOUT YOURSELF AND HAVE ENOUGH CONFIDENCE
TO GO GET YOURSELF A REAL MAN INSTEAD OF SETTLING FOR HIM. I KNOW PEOPLE
WILL PROBABLY HAVE COMMENTS ABOUT THIS, BUT, DRINK ALL THE COKE YOU WANT.
YOU WONT BE ABLE TO LATER. GO OUT TO EAT EVERY DAY. EVENTUALLY YOU WILL
BE ABLE TO GO OUT TO EAT AGAIN, BUT NEVER IN THE QUANTITY OF BEFORE
SURGERY. IF YOU ENJOY YOUR FOOD A LOT, EAT ALL YOU WANT NOW. DONT DEPRIVE
YOURSELF NOW. SOME OTHER POSTER SAID "OH JUST THINK, IF I HADNT
DIETED BEFORE SURGERY, I WOULD HAVE NOT LOST THAT EXTRA 15 POUNDS BY
NOW." BIG DEAL. SO SHE MISSED OUT ON ALL THAT WONDERFUL FOOD PRE-OP.
THE WEIGHT FALLS OFF OF YOU FAST ENOUGH AFTER SURGERY. AT THE SIX MONTH
MARK, THAT LITTLE OLD 15 POUNDS SHE LOST PRE-OP WOULD HAVE COME OFF ANYWAY.
TELL YOUR BOYFRIEND TO PUT ON A FAT SUIT FOR A WEEK AND THEN HE CAN TELL
YOU ABOUT DIETING. GO FOR THE SURGERY. IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE IN EVERY
WAY AND FOR THE BETTER. BEST OF LUCK.(9 MONTHS POST OP. DOWN 125 POUNDS)
AND LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF IT.)
— christina K.
April 27, 2003
Hi there. I wanted to let you know that I had responses from my family
members like this. They were not excited AT ALL to hear this was the
decision I had made. However, I took it upon myself to do so much research
and learned everything I possibly could about the surgery. I became a
sponge and I soaked them! I feel like honesty is the VERY BEST policy and
no matter what others think EVEN your BF you need to think of yourself,
your health, how your quality of life is right now, how you feel when you
wake up each day, etc. You can not worry about what others says or think.
They are not you. They are not in your shoes each and every day struggling
with this. I have some suggestions for you. Become the sponge! Soak up
every piece of knowledge, every fact, statistic, you name it. Then soak
your BF with them. Include him every step of the way. Take him with you
the meetings. Get him to read materials. Invite him to the doctor with
you. But always, always, always keep in mind that you and only are making
this decision. Again my own parents were not for this at all. It was too
drastic, it was too harsh, I hadn't tried hard enough, I just needed to
watch what I ate. BLAH BLAH BLAH! Now I am going on 14 weeks post-op,
down 66 pounds, and my entire family and all of my friends are totally
supportive. So supportive that my father is in the process of getting
approved for the surgery b/c of how well I have done. I will pray for you
and your BF. Sometimes you just have to say "this is about me and my
life and my decision and if you don't support me it will hurt but I have to
do this".
— Kitty Kat
April 27, 2003
First of all..you're an adult..noone can tell ou not to have surgery..you
have to make choices that are right for YOU..noone has to live in that body
but you..if he doesnt like it..or tell you no..doesn't that tell you
something? I'm not tryng to be harsh..but you cannot allow someone else to
determine the quality of your life..it's his problem..not yours..you need
what you feel is best in your heart..to live a happier..healthier life..and
bet on this..if and when you do have surgery..and you lose the
weight..you'll feel so good about yourself..that you wont tolerate his BS
anymore..it's funny how WLS changes us and helps us to rid ourselves of
toxic people from our life..I wish you much luck and i'll keep you in my
prayers..STAY STRONG ;)
— [Deactivated Member]
April 28, 2003
I would butcher HIM! sorry lol
Why would you surround yourself with negative people? Are you better off
with or without him? Good luck!
— msmaryk
April 28, 2003
I went through this with my EX husband, husband at the time. I wanted this
surgery and researched and did what I could to lose the weight. No matter
how much I lost it came back plus what I call bonus pounds. My ex was not
supportive, told me that I could NOT have this surgery and complained about
anything I put in my mouth, mine however went further then just verbal
abuse. Now 7 years later and three years after leaving him I have 11 co
morbids that may have been avoided if I would have done what I felt I
needed to do. YOU need to do what YOU feel is best for YOU not what HE
wants. Being in a controlling relationship is not anymore healthy then
being obese. Take care of yourself in everyway that you can. If you need
someone to talk to please e mail me.
— Nancy S.
April 28, 2003
All I can say I would be posting about my EX boyfriend if that was me!!
**13 mnths PO, -200lbs, crt wgt 120**
— smedley200
April 28, 2003
Yes this is verbal abuse, BUT before "dumping" him I would try
talking to him first. Advise him that this hurts your feelings and tell
him why you want to have this surgery. Most people who use phrases about
surgery being "butchering" or "radical" usually are
uninformed about the procedure and the reasons for it. Tell him you want
him to understand and support you. If he loves you he will try to be
understanding even if he does not agree with having surgery at this moment.
If he is totally unwilling to talk about it and try to understand, then I
would consider taking a look at whether or not this person is a healthy
influence in your life. I know many people are quick to tell you to get
rid of him, but I would suggest trying to work it out first before you just
get rid of a relationship (that is, as long as you want this relationship
to continue!) :) Maybe he is scared that you will leave him or that you
will have complications, maybe he doesn't know what wls surgery entails,
etc. Give him the benefit of the doubt first and then see where your
relationship stands. Good luck!
— beeda
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