Question:
I am finding it very hard to tell my mom in-law why I am having surgery on 04-25-03.

I am finding it very hard to tell my mother in-law that I will be going in for gastric bypass surgery on 04-25-03. Has anybody else had problems telling their in-laws, other family or friends? My mother in-law is a big woman too and I feel, in a snese that I would be betraying her and or that she wont be happy for me because I decided to do this. Please advise. Thanks, cs    — Christina S. (posted on April 16, 2003)


April 16, 2003
Tell her that if you are happy then her son will be happy. You have to be happy with yourself before you can make anybody else happy that is in your life.
   — sherri parker

April 16, 2003
I had the same problem, she was concerned and didnt understand the surgery, I explained to her as much as I could and then handed her a pamplet with some info on it. She flipped through a few pages and gave it back pretty quick. Funny what happens when you try to educate someone!!! After hearing me talk so much about it, she said she could tell I was confident about my decision and could tell I had researced it...It wasnt like she was going to change my mind. This surgery isnt for everyone but I explained it was what was best for me....Best of luck.
   — Melissa B.

April 16, 2003
why tell? do your in-laws live near you? are they helping with your after care or care of children(if you have them). if they aren't why tell them anything? this is something that you are doing for YOU and YOUR health, not for your husband or anyone else. please don't feel like you are betraying your mother-in-law by getting healthy. if she and you were smokers would you feel like you were betraying her if you quit? there is no rule that says you have to tell anyone about your wls, because it is no one else's bussiness. if you want to tell them, remember they have no choice in what you choose to do with your own body...only you do. it doesn't matter if they agree or disagree or if they are happy or not...it only matter if you are. you are the one living in your body. some people on this site have said things like "i'm honest and tell people i have had wls". the way i feel about it is that there is nothing to be dishonest about when you are keeping your private life private. this isn't like going to weight watchers or something...this is private medical surgery. tell only the people you want to know, but don't look for approval from anyone else but yourself.good luck and i hope all goes well for you!
   — franbvan

April 16, 2003
Aw, sweetie, betraying her? Like we fat people have some secret society, and if you opt out you're a traitor? How sad is that? Believe me, I totally understand where you're coming from (I've been there)...but think about it rationally. If your MIL loves you (as I'm sure she does), then she loves you for you, not because, like her, you are MO. And if she loves you, she will be supportive of the fact that you are taking proactive steps to better your life. My advice: if you are close to her, tell her BEFORE the surgery. She is going to find out, and won't she feel more betrayed that you didn't feel you could talk to her beforehand? Now, if you aren't close to her....well, then, screw it. Its your business. Best of luck next week!!
   — Tamara K.

April 16, 2003
I haven't told my MIL yet. She knows my son (not her grandson) is having surgery on May 5. I think I'll tell her about mine when I have a date and it's closer to it. I don't think this will be a problem. We are very friendly, but she doesn't "nose" into our business. However, I really had a hard time telling my sisters. I told one of them a couple of weeks ago - she was surprised but seemed OK with it (she is obese also). I just told my oldest (thin)sister yesterday - actually she guessed because she heard I was having a lung function test on Friday. She was a little upset, and said "couldn't you try Weight Watchers again?" I said, well I've done WW about 10 times, and also tried Xenical, Meridia, SlimFast, Atkins, LA Weight Loss, Medifast - you get the picture. After I laid out this list for her, and told her I have never been on any diet that satisfied my hunger, she seemed a little better about it. Neither one of them believed that I weigh enough to qualify (I'm 260). Anyway, I'm glad it's all out now. My sisters are usually fairly respectful of my decisions, even if they don't agree with them, so I don't anticipate too much more negativity. Tell your MIL confidently and she will feel the self-assurance you have about it. Then don't worry - you must do what is right for you and you alone.
   — Carlita

April 16, 2003
I don't think you considered this surgery to please or not please your MIL. I think it's because of all the reasons YOU have decided are right for YOU! Maybe you need to share those reasons with her. If she dsn't or can't understand that dsn't mean you don't do it! It means that you both are at 2 totally different places in your lives. I'm sure there are things you MIL has done without your permission and will continue to do without your permission. You are different people. Remind your MIL that you want to be around for her son and her grandchildren(if you have children) etc...I remember telling my mother (who weights 90 lbs wet) that there were things she did in her life I may not have agreed with and I supported her anyway and I expect the same! I never had a problem after that. Remember, you're the one educated about your choices. She isn't(or not to the same extent). Best wishes
   — Linda M.

April 17, 2003
I have not told anyone yet (other my husband and direct supervisor). I plan to tell my family once I have a date (I have waited to tell them because they would be bugging me all the time wanting to know if I know anything yet). I do not want to tell my mother-in-law because she and I are not close and I do not like telling her anything personal, however, my surgery will be in the same city she lives in and therefore I most likely will end up letting my husband tell her because he and my son will be staying in Houston while I am in the hospital and I am sure they will want to see MIL. That is just me and my situation. Good luck.
   — Dawn P.

April 17, 2003
hi! congrats on your date..not far off. If you dont want to tell her dont.I'm not telling my MIL because she always has something smart to say.You could tell her youre having another kind of surgery (ie:gallbladder or appendix or even a cyst removed) i havent decided which surgery my MIL is going to think I'm having..if she even knows anything she doesnt come around. If you dont want to do that..tell her..its your body and you never know maybe she'll want WLS too and you both can get healthy together...best of luck..
   — cinamoni

April 17, 2003
I have only told a few people. My family knows and a couple people at work but thats it. Its nice if you can tell someone who will be supportive of your decision. I am so greatful that my family understands, especially my mother since she is the one who first looked into it and we are both going to have it. It is your decision. Tell only the people you want.
   — horserider0146

April 17, 2003
Is this your boyfriend's mother that you are talking about? I noticed that you posted about your boyfriend a few days ago...and does she live near you? Is it possible for you to have the surgery without her knowing? My in-laws and my parents do not live in the same town, so I didn't tell either of them until I was several months post-op and had lost a good chunk of weight. I wanted to tell them in person and let them see that I had started to lose-besides, by that point I was feeling more confident that, hey, this may work after all! Why tell if I was going to be a failure, is what I was thinking... Be careful who you tell that you had or are having the surgery. There are many posters who regret telling after the fact, such as co-workers who love to talk and spread the word and this opens you up to people watching you eat and asking questions and frankly judging you for your decision. As for your mother-in-law, if you want to tell her, you really can't control whether she will be happy for you or not. If she is not, do not let it spoil things for you or let you feel guilty. Who knows, you may inspire her to consider the surgery herself..
   — Cindy R.

April 17, 2003
I told my dad about my surgery 2 days before I had it done and I told him matter of factly. I was not looking for his approval since I was doing this strictly for myself. He asked me if I had tried diet and exercise (where has he been for 35 years of my life?) and then he wished me luck. He is my most difficult relationship. I was afraid to tell any of my friends, but then they turned out to be very supportive. My father in law is MO and he's very supportive. You might find that she'll surprise you and be supportive since she's lived life as an overweight person and knows the struggles you face. Be warned that lots of relationships will change over time after you start to lose weight since you are making such a huge change in your life. Good luck to you.
   — Yolanda J.




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