Question:
Less tolerant?
Have any of you found that, once *you* lost weight, that you preferred to date people in better shape than you would have previously? It's as if I finally realized how important it is to be healthy, and I want a partner who realizes the same thing. Is this just extremely shallow of me, or have others felt this way too? — Sheri K. (posted on November 16, 2002)
November 16, 2002
I'm married, so I am not going to be dating anyone... However, if I was
single, I would be a lot more tolerant than you are being. Yes, I think
you are being extremely shallow.
— John Rushton
November 16, 2002
I don't think you're being shallow at all. If you're now very aware of how
you eat, and how you exercise, and even what you drink, those things are a
big issue for you right now and you're probably still working on 'em. As
part of your own "recovery," you don't want to catch yourself
looking critically at the person you're dating and judge them by your new
standards if they're living a different lifestyle (particularly, if they're
living the one you've worked so hard to train yourself out of). In some
ways, it could be compared to dating a smoker when you've just quit. Yes,
you can do it, and not judge the other person's choice to keep smoking, but
for some folks it could be difficult -- and not shallow -- to have some
difficulty doing so (if only in undercutting your own hard-won, new good
habits). Plus, the *last* thing you wanna do is nag somebody else or judge
them as part of your own recovery process. It can just be easier to find
someone who shares a lot of your new good habits (just as it's easier to
find somebody who has other common interests with you). What's shallow
about that? Just my 2c. :)
— Suzy C.
November 16, 2002
Sheri, I don't think it's shallow. I am married and my husband loved me
just as well fat as he does now that I am thin. BUT, I have found myself
being very food choice conscious as well as exercise conscious. I have
changed the food I buy for our entire household because I want everyone
healthy. I don't think you are trying to say you avoid or look down on
obese people now. I know for me I feel guilty sometimes when I am in a
group of overweight people. I always wonder if they know about gastric
bypass or if they can afford it but I never want to offend someone by
bringing it up. Don't worry about being shallow...you should match with
someone who lives a lifestyle that compares with your new life!!
— Aimee P.
November 16, 2002
i have read a lot about fat women who 'settle' for partners, they are
either, fat themselves, or mean abusive, won;t make an effort, or otherwise
not the best chocie. but the women feel they can nto get anyoneelse or the
ydo not deserve anyoneelse, sothey 'settle' many ladies have wls, then grow
apart fomr their spouses and get divorced! it is on the messge baordal lthe
time. then there are some men who like fat women becuase they feel 'safe'
no one else would want them or they try to make the woman feel 'greatful
for their attentions! and when the woman looses weight, he looses his
control over her and she dumps him! is it shallow?? well i would like to
think i would want the same kind of man now being fat that i would when i
loose weight! however would they want me now?? NO WAY, and i do not think i
would want them afterwards! ifthey cold not want me fat then forget it!!
;o) would they dump me if i got fat again? most likely! niow that is
shallow!!! ;o)
— janetc00
November 16, 2002
So it would be OK, if the situations were reversed and your boyfriend was
the one losing weight, for him to break up wih you and start dating thinner
women????
<p>
You'd think that this person who just broke up with you was pretty shallow
for not seeing you for more than just your weight. That's what you'd be
doing to all of those people that you are thinking of excluding just
because you lost weight...JR
— John Rushton
November 16, 2002
Nope, I don't find anything wrong with that at all. Like attracts like. Why
look for an eating buddy now that you'd prefer a dance buddy(for example).
Have fun! -Kim open RNY 7/17/01 -140
— KimBo36
November 16, 2002
Well then, I guess that I am estatic that I am married to the wonderful
woman that I have been for the last 17 1/2 years than any of you ladies.
I'd never give her up no matter how thin I get and she feels the same way
about me.
<p>
I find it amazing (maybe make that appalling) to read the responses from
the ladies in this thread. Good luck in finding the thinner b.f. that you
ladies are looking for...since it seems to mean so much to you now.
— John Rushton
November 16, 2002
— dustyz
November 16, 2002
Okay, let's back up and get some perspective people. This is a woman who
is not in a committed relationship and she is simply attracted to a
different set of people. I think maybe she looks and feels better and has
improved her self esteem to the point that she finally feels she's good
enough to go after a hotty. That is wonderful for her. Also, a former drug
addict shouldn't date a drug user. Same with a "food addict."
She's not talking about dumping anyone simply because of their appearance.
I say, "You go girl!" That's wonderful if you know what you want
and have the confidence to go get it!
— cjabates
November 16, 2002
If you are in a relationship then I have to agree with John on his comment.
If you plan to leave a current relationship just because you believe you
deserve "better", then I have to say I totally disagree with
that. If you are saying that you have become attracted to a more healthier
male and you are interested in dating them then I think that is great too.
I will say I have been with my husband for 9 years now and he has seen me
through "thick and thin". Think or thin he will always be my
best friend. I know where the grass is greener.........on my side of the
fence.
— DRutherford
November 16, 2002
I'm torn on this one. I see points from both sides. I can understand
looking for someone with like interests and at this point in your life, a
healthy life style is important and a main topic of interest in your life.
However, I have to agree with Johns statement about how many wonderful men
you would be excluding because of this 'pre-judgement' of their lifestyle.
As a large woman we expect or hope that people will love us for who we are
inside and not what we look like. We get angry when we are judged by our
size, or what we eat. Yet, this is what you are thinking of doing now. I
have not read your profile so I do not know how much you have lost or how
close you are to goal. But being at goal and a size 8 now, I have noticed
a HUGE difference in the way I am treated. Not only by men, but by women
as well. It really makes me sick that I am treated better than before,
like I am no longer 'diseased'. It just seems from your post, that you are
adopting these same actions.
— RebeccaP
November 16, 2002
(Original poster here)...thank you all so much for taking time to respond.
I knew I would get at least a few angry answers, but it was a question I
needed to ask. Just to clarify, I'm not currently seriously involved with
anyone...just dating. I would not dump someone I loved simply because of
his size/eating habits.
I will say one thing--I've noticed that one of the men I've dated (who
happens to be overweight) almost seems to want to sabotage my efforts. He
gives me an odd look when I can't eat more than a few bites for dinner,
eventhough he knows the reason. He wants me to eat candy and
sweets...encourages me, even...instead of helping support my efforts.
That's one of the reasons I think dating someone with a healthier mindset
would be the better choice for me, at least right now. I need all the help
I can get :)
— Sheri K.
November 16, 2002
Sheri...sorry if I sounded harsh, but you have to realize that there are
thin jerks and obese jerks - just as there are wonderful people both thin
and obese. If this guy is sabotaging your efforts, then I can see where
you are coming from, but that doesn't mean the next boyfriend - a thin one
- wouldn't try to do the same thing. Have you sat down and talked it over
with your boyfriend why he is doing what he is doing? Maybe he has
concerns with losing you. Communication is a wonderful tool if you use
it...JR
— John Rushton
November 18, 2002
— Kevin P.
November 18, 2002
While I can agree with both sides, let us be clear about what is really
important. Just as John said, there are thin jerks and there are obese
jerks. There are also thin and obese good people. I know what I like in a
man physically. I know what physical state attracts me. Does that mean
that I am discriminating against someone that is not the way I want them to
be physically? Perhaps. We must remember, though, that there are men and
women out there that do find fuller figured folks more attractive. There
are also people out there that find thinner people attractive. Of course,
there are those that prefer blondes or nice legs or nice butts (I do) or
nice teeth or even nice other parts. Physicality is important to all of
us. Kevin P., you say your wife was about your size when you met her and
even though she gained weight, you didn't even consider leaving her. While
that is something you should do anyway, that is a very good thing to say.
Ask yourself this question and be brutally honest with yourself. If she
was 250 pounds when you met her, would you have still dated her to begin
with? Would you have even gotten to know her in the first place? That is
not to point a finger at you or anyone. I've never dated anyone to whom I
was not physically attracted. Does that mean that every man that was
pleasing to the eye was worth a date or even a conversation? No, it does
not. It means that I do look for physical attributes that are pleasing to
me and IF the personality fits, then it's all good!! None of us should
judge the other too harshly. Remember that while we do want someone to
like us for ourselves, there does have to be something there to attract
that person in the first place. My two dollars worth since it's too long
to just be two cents. Kuri, the true blue luzer!
— blessednblu
November 18, 2002
It's interesting to see all the anger being expressed by the men in
response to this question, when whether we like it or not, if you are a fat
woman you are more than likely INVISIBLE in the dating world, and most
women will at least give a fat guy a chance. I was once crazy in love with
a guy who weighed about 500lbs. Would I date him (or another super MO
guy) now? Probably not. Why give your heart to someone who could die
sooner rather than later, and who refuses to make ANY effort to manage
his/her obesity? I admit, I am bitter and jaded about the whole dating
thing, but there is nothing wrong with seeking out someone who loves him or
herself enough to at least make SOME effort, whether its WLS or just
limiting it to two instead of four cheeseburgers. Bottom line, it's all
about chemistry anyway, and who can explain that?
— rebeccamayhew
November 18, 2002
WOW sheri...what a response! I just need to say that no one is right and
everyone is right on this question.
I have been fat since puberty and I have dated physically GORGEOUS men
(model beautiful) and most of my boyfriends were like this. Last year I
married one of those gorgeous men and most of the women I know were jealous
(AND I weighed 260 on my wedding day). I have dated 2 obese men in my
lifetime and neither of them were jerks nor were they marrying material.
Being overweight for the last 20 years, for some reason, has not limited my
selection of men. These were regular boyfriends, not first date/one date
types of things. So what does that say about fit vs. fat people? It says
that it's possible to date or find a mate, no matter what their size or
yours. My husband is very honest and says he loves me big, but he is
excited to see me at goal, too. I've always felt if you set
expectations/rules/standards for other people, you'll limit yourself
immensely and the weight loss won't mean anything in your true search for
life happiness.
— toolio
November 18, 2002
If my wife were 250 when I met her, I probably would not have gotten to
know her as I did. On the other hand, it is just as possible that I would
have. My ex-fiance was a large woman also. I have dated women on both
sides of the spectrum. My preference, as is most PEOPLE's-not just
men,...is a physically fit partner. But the poster here said that they
were CHANGING their preference due to the way they now look. I'm by no
means saying not to go out looking for the best looking person you can
find...quite the contrary. All I am saying is if you limit yourself to
those people who APPEAR healthier, you may be doing yourself an injustice.
Take me for example...I am 145 lbs, I am decent enough looking (I hope,
lol) yet I smoke 2 packs a day, eat whenever I get around to it, and my
diet is pretty scary. One day I may eat nothing but 3-4 candybars. The
next may be a huge serving of brats. I drink coffee all day, then soda
when the coffee gets to be too much. I don't excercise at all. I am very
active around the house, and I suppose that is my excercise, but nothing
like truly working out. The point is, what I look like has NOTHING to do
with the importance I place on health. Looking for a partner based on your
perception of his attitude towards health by the way he looks is
short-sighted at the least. If that's what you truly want in a partner, I
suggest starting at Gold's Gym or something of that nature. If it's that
you just want a more physically fit-looking man in your life, then go for
it. Oh, for whomever said that women give large men a chance?...I'd like
to hear what the men in here have to say about that. Feel invisible at the
dance club? Or maybe feel like you are just in the way of the party? I
think that may be as much of a two-way street as anything.
One last comment. I wanted to post on these boards because I am the spouse
of a post-op patient. I have gone through what a lot of other spouses are
having, or going to have to go through. It is quite the rollercoaster, let
me tell you. For those of you women with good men, I can't stress enough
how important it is that you make them realize the changes you will go
through. ESPECIALLY the hormonal peaks and valleys! Had I known that a
lot of what I had to go through could be directly related to estrogen being
dumped into my wife's system at a phenomenal rate, I would have been able
to understand and give more support instead of feeling like an outsider
that wasn't wanted. That is just one example. PLEASE, if you want your
relationships that you have now to work, make sure your partner COMPLETELY
understands the changes your body is going to experience so that they can
at least be prepared to help you. Being left in the dark, as a spouse,
about wls "side effects" is a bigger crime than the stinking ins
companies not approving it. I heard a phrase today that fits here very
well: "Problems that took years to develop take years to
correct."
This is my last post on these boards. My wife doesn't trust my ability to
post mature, insightful posts here. She feels that some of the things I
may say have no basis on these boards which I can only interpret to mean
that she thinks I am full of shit. I can be a bit rough at times, but
usually it is only the truth that I type. If it is tough to hear, I feel
it still needs to be said...just my way. I won't candy coat anything. I
feel she thinks I don't have much worth contributing to this site. Maybe
she is right. One way or another, it isn't worth it to continue to post.
I wish you ALL the best in every aspect of your "new" lives.
— Kevin P.
November 19, 2002
Nope, I feel the same way. However, even when I was fat, I wasn't
attracted to fat men. I was attracted to average weight men. So I don't
feel I'm being shallow. I just prefer this type of men.
— Patty H.
November 19, 2002
Hello!
Well, I just want to say from another male voice here--haha add 2 more
cents--I think everyone has a right to go through emotional changes. We
all have SERIOUS physical changes, so why wouldn't we go through emotional
changes as well? Look, to be honest, I agree with the last male poster,
(oh by they way--I really liked your post and hope that you will continue
to post, it is helpful and I personally feel it would be a loss if you
didn't post.) We are all human, we have feelings and NO ONE has a right to
judge us. If you want a heavy person, go get one. We didn't like to be
judged when we are fat so we shouldn't be judging when we are thin. If she
wants a healthy person--then go for it! If you are married, then encourage
your partner to join you. You can't make them. Ok, this is getting too
long--in short--life is too short--Just do it! Have a great one!
— ningrahm
November 19, 2002
Are you being shallow? I don't think so. I have to majorly disagree with
some of the posters here. I don't think that women give obese men more of
a chance. I feel just as invisible at parties and dance clubs. I get just
as much discrimination in the workplace. I have plenty of female friends
(oddly enough more female friends than male friends) on both sides of the
spectrum. But for those who I wanted to go farther with, I have never been
able to get out of that "just friends" stage.
As for my own opinion, I have been told all life that I set my standards
too high if I seek the stereotypical person that society deems attractive.
I am one of those people that seek out to accomplish that which people tell
me I can't accomplish. These days I find myself ostracising myself from
thinner women because I don't believe they could possibly be truly
interested in me. But this is an issue I plan to tackle with my
psychologist post-op.
Right now I am looking forward to getting my surgery (have my insurance
approval, just waiting on a surgery date) and getting in better shape
myself. I want to feel better physically first, then I will concentrate on
the social issues.
— Chris B.
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