Question:
Has anyone had a partner/spouse/bf/gf tell them they are now a different person?
I have someone in my life who says now I am completely different than I was 9 months ago. I am being told I am insensitive, loud, obnoxious and can be down right mean. I am told before surgery I was much nicer and more considerate of people. I honestly don't think I have changed, except maybe I have gained more confidence and voice my opinions more that I used to. I feel I used to be the worlds door mat but I don't let people walk on me anymore. Has anyone had this happen? What did you do? — Alli B. (posted on July 23, 2002)
July 23, 2002
Alli, a friend of mine (Linda) had her surgery 18 months ago and her
husband and kids have been telling her the same thing!!! After several
heart to heart's with Linda she finally explained that she was tired of
having everyone expect her to solve all the problems, provide the
shoulder's to cry on and in general be the world's problem solver and door
mat! She is finally standing up for herself and taking the steps to make
herself happy. Sorry this was sooo long but you're not alone! Remember,
ultimately no one can make you happy but you and you owe it to yourself to
be happy! Good Luck! ~Dena
— Dena C.
July 23, 2002
Sounds to me like you're just being normal - but that is so different from
what you used to be that people think you're overdoing it now. If you'd
been this way all along, no one would probably think you were insensitive
or obnoxious. People are just used to seeing you as meek, quiet and a
"don't look at me/don't rock the boat" type that anything else
seems way too different for them. They'll get used to the more confident
you - you have nothing to apologize for!
— Angie M.
July 23, 2002
Hi, at 9 months out, getting ready to flip over to 10. I can tell you
that, I have had alot of people say that I have changed. Of course I have.
Do I look like the same person I was Preop. Heck NO!!!!! I am a much
more confindent woman with a mind and a body of her own. I am no longer
that door mat for people to walk upon. I am not everyones gofer, or there
personal joke. I am me. I am a woman who has lost alot. In a sense I
guess you could say I am a really BIG loser lol. But that is okay with
me!!!! lol. You have to be true to the person that you are on the inside.
For me, I feel much better, I act much better, and I look much better.
People just don't like it that we can now blend in with the crowd instead
of being the back drop. We are heard now and we are given credit, and
might I add, a lot more attention too huh? Don't worry about what other
people think about you. You are your own person, and only you know what
makes YOU happy.
— TONYA B.
July 23, 2002
You might look for a book called _Family_Ties_That_Bind (don't remember the
author). It was written in the 70s and discusses a dynamic that can occur
when one family member is in therapy or otherwise making significant
changes in how they interact (even unconsciously). I would suggest getting
your husband or other people to give you "specific" examples of
the behavior. Listen carefully and then ask "What did you expect me to
do or say?" Many times our loved ones think that we will just
"know" what they want or expect. Of course, this is a two way
street. You may need to "monitor" how and what you are saying to
see if unsaid expectations may be causing you to say everyday things in a
harsher tone. Be gentle with yourself and your loved ones...tackle one
thing at a time...listen...care and compassion cover a multitude of
ommisions and commissions!
— Katherine M.
July 24, 2002
Families fear change, especially spouses. You have been "playing"
your respective roles for years. You the fat one lacking confidence, he the
strong one. Now you are strong, and frankly, that frightens spouses for
fear of losing you. They may begin to wonder if they are needed. It is good
to reassure your family that they will have to love you unconditionally,
and it is o.k. to say , yes, I am perhaps a different person, so give me
some space to figure out how it all pieces together. Families do not
typically consciously mean to sabatage your happiness, but they do it
regardless. We are all creatures of habit. There are support groups for
WLS patients that families can attend, and this is a good topic for such a
group.
— Wendy O.
July 24, 2002
just wanted to say "right on!" to the previous posts. tell them
if they are looking for the door mat, it is outside now. stand up for
yourself, and be proud. as long as you do what's ethical and best for
yourself then you are doing what is best for everyone. whether they know it
or not, they will be happier in the long run if YOU are happier!
— kultgirl
July 25, 2002
i just showed my wife of 30 years these postings,, she has been saying for
over 8 months now,, all of what everyone who posted here has said. i am so
tired of hearing "you are not who you were before the w.l.s."..
and another odd thing, just yesterday when she brought it up, i said,
"i am just tired of being everyone's doormat",, an exact quote
found here,,i think the reason they see us as "changed", in my
opinion, we feel when we are big, we need to do more, be nicer, more
forgiving, accept abuse about our weight sometimes,, i know i went over
board to make people like me, accept me, now after going from 425#'s to
208#'s i really don't care what people think of me,, odd most may think we
wouldn't care while being obese,, after all we have all heard it, "fat
people are lazy, dumb, no motivation",,i no longer feel like i have to
please the world, make everyone happy, laugh, i did 30 years of crying on
the inside at being over weight, today i want to do things that will make
me happy.. i'm still the same person, but i am not the doormat the world
used to kick around, laugh at.. we just have to understand ourselves, and
get past this phase of w.l.s., and maybe we won't be labeled as, "the
obese person who lost a lot of weight",, we'll just be at last normal
people trying to survive in this world,, good luck,,
— bruce M.
July 25, 2002
Bravo, Bruce! Very well said!
— Anna L.
July 25, 2002
My husband said that I was a different person when I came home from the
hospital from surgery. I had only lost 13 pounds at that time!! I have
always been independant but now since I am having more
confidence--<amazing what losing almost 40 pounds so far can do:)> he
has really changed. He wants to be all over me and now I am like whatever.
Before he never had time or his work was all he knew.
— WanellD
July 26, 2002
Thank you all for taking the time to give me some insight on this difficult
issue. Although I continue to struggle with it, I can see that I am not
alone in this battle, and that makes it somewhat easier. Thanks again for
the responses and all the wonderful emails.
— Alli B.
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