Question:
I am 99.9% certain my friendship is in danger due to jealousy.
My friend weighs 200. When I started I was very close to 300 and 2 months and 1 week later I weight 235. My friend was VERY supportive through all of this but lately she has been saying things like...soon you'll be smaller than me, you'll be thin and I'll still be fat. I don't want this to ruin our friendship. How do I deal with this BEFORE it becomes an issue? Has anyone lost a friend for the same reason? — Janice P. (posted on April 2, 2002)
April 1, 2002
Most of my friends got agitated when they swa I would weigh less than them.
Some drifted off but once I got under there weight they returned and dont
appear mad, just unhappy about THEIR weight. A couple are contemplating
WLS. I tried to be low key about my weight, not talking about the loss
around them but it didnt appear to help. TIME seemed to be the best
medicine.
— bob-haller
April 1, 2002
Janice~ Just hang in there. Maybe see if she would like to maybe work out
together, you girls could be each others shoulders. I have a gf who s
overweight as well and verytime I talk to her she always says something
about surgery being an easy way out and how she doesnt think something like
this is health! I tried to ignore her as much as possible. Then another
friend actually said "What are you going to make me look like the FAT
one. I wasnt very happy and havent talked to her for a while. Just hang in
here and I would say to try to include her in things, so she doesnt feel
left out! Good Luck ~ Mindi ~
— Mindi M.
April 1, 2002
My SIL has a problem w/ my weight loss. She says things like "Stop it
right now... you've lost enought weight (so not true)"... or
..."I can't go out w/ you anymore because you'll look better than
me". Charming, huh? I just keep a low profile and don't discuss my
weight loss. She's still not happy, but doesn't pest me like she did.
She's just not happy with herself, and there's nothing I can do about that,
but I never talk about how much I've lost, or dieting, or anything like
that around her.
— mom2jtx3
April 2, 2002
Janice, I'm sorry to hear your troubles. Sometimes we need to step back and
think about your friends. Maybe she feels bad because she see your success.
My best friend so far is very supportive. All she wants is for me to be
happy and healthy. She is also looking forward to my hammy downs. All the
best. Sarah
— sarah C.
April 2, 2002
Sounds to me like she's afraid you'll dump her for being too fat to hang
with the new you. After all doesn't misery love company? I suggest you
reassure her that your common interests lie in more than just the way you
look. But don't be surprised if you are able to do more activities, have
more energy and participate in more social activities than your fat
friends... All of us who have been MO still know the pain of almost being
or of being housebound because of the infirmity of morbid obesity. Good
Luck to you.
— merri B.
April 2, 2002
I haven't had surgery yet but would like to contribute something I learned
from a psychologist when I was in another diet program. Just like an
alcaholic has drinking buddies, sometimes overweight people have eating
buddies. It's sad but it's true. I had a friend who distanced herself from
me after I had lost alot of weight. Of course I was doing the yo-yo thing
and when I gained it back, she was also back. We have to realize that
everyone has their own agenda. Keep the lines of communication open and
don't talk alot about how much you have lost with this person. Hopefully
your friend will adjust. My friend is already starting to distance herself
and I haven't even had the surgery yet. It makes me sad but I can't
control how someone else feels. Good luck to you.
— Linda H.
April 2, 2002
The Psychiatrist said we will lose some friends and we will make some new
ones but to me our true friend will stick with us through thick and thin.
If she is a true friend she will adjust and maybe consider the surgery
herself LOL
— Kimberly T.
April 2, 2002
I'm really lucky. All my close friends have been very supportative and
encouraging. I'm still in the waiting process, but they went through it
with me 16 years ago when I had gastroplasy. They always were there for
me. Hopefully, your friend will come around and realize that your the same
person she liked, you just don't eat the same way as you use to.
— Sue F.
April 2, 2002
I am having a similar problem with a previously-close friend. We usually
get together every 2-3 months and talk a lot. She called me not long ago
and said that she won't be able to see me anymore, because "you're
losing weight and getting pretty and I'm still fat and ugly and you won't
like me anymore"......I know she has self esteem issues, but I got
really upset anyway...and still am upset with her....she didn't just say
this once, either...she repeated the same stupid thing to my husband about
me. My reaction was "what? so you thought I was fat and ugly before
and that's the only reason why you could be my friend?" jeesh!!
Luckily, most of my friends....regardless of their weight....have been
happy for me. 57 pounds gone since December :)
— Tracy M.
April 2, 2002
Hi. Unfortunately the only thing you can do for your friendship is nuture
it and try to be reassuring to your friend. I had a long time friend who
was (and is) a lovely woman. It was sort of always known that she was the
pretty one and I was the smart one. When I began to lose substantial
amounts of weight I don't think she knew how to cope. Subconsiously I
think my poor appearance made her feel like she looked good. Once I began
to look good she didn't have me there to make her look better. I don't
think she meant to feel this way - in fact, I don't think she even realized
she felt this way. Sometimes, when we take charge of our health, our
looks, our wellbeing, etc. it makes other's feel that they need to do
whatever is necessary to take care of their own health and well being
whether it's quitting smoking or giving up alcohol or any other of a
zillion vices. Some friends find it's easier to fade out of the picture
than it is to step up to the plate and face their own personal issues. It
seems to be a very complex process. My friend just sort of faded out and
never came back after 15 long years. I miss her. However, I know she
cares about me and I have to just accept that we've changed. It doesn't
make it easier and it doesn't make either one of us right or either one of
us wrong - it just makes us different. I hope your friendship weathers the
storm but don't be too hard on yourself or your friend if it doesn't. It's
sometimes part of the growth process. Good luck to you!
— ronascott
April 2, 2002
That happened to me. Prior to surgery I weighed over 370 pounds. My friend
used to weigh 340 and lost down to 270 on her on. She was VERY against
surgery and tried everything to talk me out of it. It went on for weeks. I
finally told her I changed my mind and would do it the way she was losing
her weight. Yes --a bold faced lie, but I couldnt take the scrutiny. As I
began to lose weight she was super supportive of my weight loss and the
ever so encouraging friend. When I got to 300, she was overjoyed. When we
weighed the same, she was still supportive, but not as vocal about it. Now,
8 mths after surgery I weigh 230 and she weighs 290. She keeps saying that
I have a problem with fat people, will not go shopping with me and has not
gone out with me in 3 months. At first I tried calling more and really
trying to reach out more to keep the firendship. Suddenly, relized that I
was the only one involved in our friendship. So a week ago I stopped
calling to see if she was even trying to maintain our friendship. In a
little over a week, not one call!! Last week was my b-Day. She didnt call
and didnt call easter. At first I cried, but later I said "forget
her". If someone stops wanting to be your friend due to jealousy that
says alot about that persons character and the reasons why they were your
friend. I dont care if Halle Berry was my buddy, I wouldnt dislike her
because she looked better than me. I think that someone who acts different
or puts a wedge between you is not worth saving. I know that I sound
harsh--but it hurts so bad to be on the end where you are no longer wanted
or needed as a friend that it makes me question peoples motivation for
maintaining a friendship with you in the first place. I say try like
hell--but if things change or she doesnt keep up the friendship--good
riddance and get a friend who likes you whether you are fatter or skinnier
than you used to be.
— Courtney W.
April 2, 2002
WOw, Rona, you, too? My best friend since we were 9 & I had the same
problem. The families & friends always implied that SHE was the pretty
one and I was the smart one. And of course, the flip side of this is I am
the ugly one, she is the stupid one, which is how you read these things
when you're a kid. As I began to look more normal, she was more & more
exctied for me, until the day when, GASP, I was smaller. She is meaty, but
not in our league. She always had the better figure, I was smaller at
points, but overall, she maintained her figure, just larger & smaller,
never huge, never skinny. So, to shorten my story, when I reached goal and
held, she actually ended up being pleased with my "result". She
told me I had turned out "beautiful", which was REALLY a
compliment coming from her. You know what she needed most from me? To be
reminded that she was smart, never was stupid. We've talked a LOT about
this issue over the last 7 yrs, since I've been normal wt and she's stil
struggling with the same 40/50 lbs. She still tries to remind me that I am
not the ugly one, and I work to remind her that she never was and still is
not the stupid one. So, she may always rest in her security that she is the
prettier/sexier one, but she doesn't feel that she has to step on my
feelings to be there. What SHE needed from me was to be built up in another
area. Maybe we needed each other's sort of stamp of approval in the area
designated by others to be "her speciality". I dunno, but I know
we're OK with who we are, how we turned out, and where we are with each
other. NOW. We just had to work the bugs out of the system.
— vitalady
April 3, 2002
Thank you all for your comments. You certainly gave me new ways to think
about things. Thanks.
— Janice P.
May 22, 2003
I am so glad to find out that others friends are being the same way. I have
had a friend for about 13 years. We both we "thin" once. We
stared out at 150-180. Now we have "grown" together. I have
elected to have WLS and she is unable due to insurance issues. Everytime
that we talk there is someone that she spoke to that said it is this or
that. Always negative!!!!! She then says but if that is what you want then
I support you. WHAT????? I am confused and have spoke to others about this
myself. I am in agreeance with the idea of not calling her and just seeing
what that will bring. I am doing the same thing now and I haven't even had
the surgury yet. So I hope that it doesn't come down to that for you, but
if it does....I am sorry.
— pherpherv
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