Question:
For married post-ops how has WLS affected your relationship with your spouse?
— [Anonymous] (posted on January 3, 2002)
January 3, 2002
It's improved significantly. Although we still don't make love as often as
we would like, we are a good deal more physical when we do. After 100
pounds lost, I can get into positions now that I would only have dreamed of
before. We're a lot more playful, too, all the time. My husband is
extremely pleased with what this surgery has done for me.
— Dee P.
January 3, 2002
I am almost 7 months post op and have gone from a size 26/28 to almost a
12. I have been with my husband for 20 years... I was 20 when I met him and
he was 42, so we are 22 years apart. Now that I am 40 (and he is 62), we
were due for a little age related crisis without this surgery. With it...
he became very jealous (insecure may be a better term) of me going out...
he wants to know where I am going, why I am going, who I am going with,
what time I will be back home and always has something to say about what I
am wearing (usually just a tshirt and jeans since I no longer have any
clothes). This all just started a couple of weeks ago and peaked around
Christmas... it isnt so bad right now but that is because I ignored it and
didnt fight with him over it. I figured it is his time for adjustment as
well... but if it didnt stop soon I was going to have to smother him with a
pillow in his sleep. I had to have a talk with him and reassured him that I
have been a good girl for 20 years and would continue that pattern. The
funny part (if there is one) is that I was spending time away from home
baking christmas cookies and gingerbread houses for his family... at my
married girlfriends house yet if I came home later than what I earlier said
he went nuts calling me a liar( I guess I lied about what time we would be
done baking 12 dozen cookies?). It is like he went crazy the very week I
started feeling really great about myself and finally got into a size 14.
Like he woke up one morning and realized that I was good looking not only
to him but possibly to other men and he didnt know what to do about it.
Like I said, it was for a couple of weeks that we had problems and other
than that he has been very supportive of the entire decision. Thinking
back... he was very jealous of me when I was in my early 20's and was cute
and a size 12... but we werent married then and I was too young and naive
to care. I dont think that this ugliness will hurt our relationship ... but
it did suck.
— SusanMaria
January 3, 2002
My husband has always thought I was "one hot babe". Yeah. I know,
I'm rolling my eyes, too. Although his attention is slightly more figure
focused now, it is as sincere as ever. The difference is perhaps with me?
I don't look at hime like he is nuts now. I don't necessarily agree with
his assessment, but it doesn't seem totally ridiculous to me now. It is
within the realm of possiblity, at least. So, in that way, he feels
somewhat MORE secure because he loved me THEN. If that makes sense. Over
the holidays, while shopping, we separateed & rejoined. I saw him from
afar and smiled and picked up speed. But a guy walking toward me grinned
broadly and GROWLED at me! EGAD, scared me to death! I practically jumped
into my dh's arms in terror! Of course, he loved the whole thing. The fact
that someone else found me interesting and I found that scary. LOL! Every
now & then I see him wondering & thinking, but I make sure he knows
that HE is MY idea of a Hot Dish, tool.
— vitalady
January 3, 2002
I was not married, but I had been in along term relationship for 4 years
and we lived together. At first, he seemed pretty supportive, and part of
me, I guess thought that this surgery would improve our relationship.
Things hadn't been that great to begin with. 6 weeks after I had surgery,
he broke up with me to get back with his X wife, who was bigger than I was.
I foolishly thought that since he drooled over Mariah Carey and Janet
Jackson, that he enjoyed smaller women. Athough Ultimately, I did this for
my health, but I will admit that I am vain and enjoy living my life in a
smaller body. Anyway, Apparently, I was wrong about what he likes. But I
must say, that this breakup is the best thing that ever happened to me. I
thought I was in love with this man, and I now knkow that I was wrong. I
am currently in another relationship and have been for the past 6 months.
We are taking things slow, but he is truly a wonderful person who cares
about me for me. I have known him for 10 years now, and he has known me
since I was heavy. People often ask me why we never dated when I was big,
and if that bothered me at all. I honestly must say that it doesn't bother
me. Our timing was never in the right place to date before this, and to be
truthful, I wasn't pleased with myself when I was overweight, and I
wouldn't have wanted to be with me either. I wasn't in a good state,
emotionally or physically. We are very happy together, and I have opened
my heart up and really think that I love him. We haven't said it to
eachother yet, but it is good to go slow I think. Anyway, sorry for the
long rambling post, but I just thought that my side was important. I wish
you luck in whatever relationship situation you are in right now.
— enjo4
January 3, 2002
My husband always thought I was beautiful and never complained about my
weight. But he knew how unhappy I was. I had my surgery in May of 2000 and
our aniversary was in august , he bought me a Diamond necklace and for
Christmas of that year he bought me a full length Beaver Coat. He said I
deserved it for all I had been through. You could have knocked me over with
a feather! My husband is not the "romantic " type. Past gifts
have been the tapes "how to be a human calculator" and tires for
my car! But not anymore!!!
— Rose A.
January 3, 2002
My husband always told me I was "beautiful" and I never would
believe him--and at my lowest times I would actually argue with him about
that particular opinion of his. I am somewhat newly post op---only six
weeks---but in the past two weeks I lightened my hair color from a
"mousy" brown to a strawberry blond, got a new hair cut and
really started to expirament with makeup to play up my green eyes
(something I always believed was my best feature anyway). At work this
week I have received many compliments on my "new" look, and I
think my new attitude. My mother in law commented that her son really did
marry a truly beautiful woman and it is a wonderful experience for her to
watch me emerge from my cocoon. I was relating all this to my husband last
night, and he said "I told you". I finally do believe him---I am
a beautiful person. I think our relationship has gotten better already.
He gets a little jealous at times, but I tell him every day that I love him
and that seems to take care of that situation.
— Mustang
January 3, 2002
My husband married me at my heaviest. He has always been able to see the
real me beneth the layers. He fully supported my decision for the surgery.
He even took off the whole time I was recuperating to ensure that I would
not have to do anything besides concentrate on healing. Recently, we were
going thru my pictures of the day of surgery and he commented, Gee, you
really were big! It made me laugh because it was as if he had never even
realized it. Now, he constantly tells everyone how great I look and he is
just so proud of how well I have done. We have become closer(if that was
possible). I have lost 135 pounds since surgery. I still have a ways to go
but I know he will be there every step of the way.
— Ginger J.
January 4, 2002
My husband and I have been married for 17 years and together for 5 years
prior. I am not like many of the previous posters. I never felt that my
husband loved me "anyway". I weighed about 135 and a size 12-14
when we were dating and first married. I was never comfortable with my size
and back then always felt fat. How I only wished I was that size many years
later!! I digress... Anyway, after I had our first child in 1987, I began
the incredible yo yo dieting and could never maintain a weight loss. I had
another child in 1990 and then twins in 1996. I had another child in 2000!
My weight could never stabilize and I was on the constant upward spiral. My
husband never once said to me "you're beautiful, it doesn't matter
what you weigh." To him, it did matter. I longed to hear those words
from him, but never did. Don't get me wrong, we got along wonderfully and
have great kids. But, I always felt his disdain. He has always been a vain
person and looks have been important to him. He is wonderful in many other
areas, he's a great dad, provider, etc... There were many events that I did
not go to because I was fat and I felt that he would be embarrassed of me.
Some of that was probably imagined on my part, but he never did anything to
contradict how I felt. Now that I am almost a year post op, I look good. I
can tell that he is proud of me, but you know, I don't care!! I am proud of
me!! I am enjoying my improved health and energy. I have a little
resentment about our relationship previously, but I am glad that he can be
proud of me. I just wish that I could have felt that 140 pounds ago!! My
self image has always been tied to me weight (thanks Dad!), and my husband
did nothing to help me. Our relationship is still strong and we laugh and
get along great. I thought that our sex life would improve. This summer it
seemed to be, but for the past several months it's been pretty lousey. I am
just not interested and maybe some of my resentment comes to play. My
husband doesn't seemed overly interested either. When I was fat, and he
wasn't interested, I would of course blame my weight on his lack of desire.
But, now that I am "hot" LOL, I have accepted that he must have a
low sex drive. Sorry for this rambling answer. Hope it helped in some
small way. Shelley
— Shelley.
January 4, 2002
I've been married for over 8 years now, and my hubby and I have known each
other for 18 years. We bagan dating and got married while I was
"thin." Throughout our marriage I put on weight, and while he
never commented on my weight, I knew he wasn't thrilled. The problem was
that I began to have weight related problems almost immediately. Throughout
our marriage I was in and out of the hospital. My poor husband would
continuously have to leave work early because I had been taken to the
hospital. Yet he put up with it. When I decided to have the surgery, he
wouldn't give his opinion either way, just that he would support whatever
decision I made. Well, that was a year ago, and what a difference! I now
know that my husband was terrified that I would not live another year, yet
he was also afraid that the WLS would kill me, too. In the year since my
lap RNY, we have gotten much closer. don't get me wrong, we always had a
good marriage, but it has just gotten so much better post-op. My hubby has
never had a weight problem, but he has gained an understanding of those who
do through my ordeal. I wouldn't have been able to be successful without
him. I guess what I heard is true: if your marriage was good prior to WLS,
it will get better, but if it was bad, it will get worse. Good luck!
— Maria H.
January 4, 2002
I think WLS definitely affects a marriage and the effect can be positive or
negative. My husband married me when I was large and saw me get to my
heaviest. He supported my decision to have the surgery (but said it wasn't
necessary--he loved me anyway) and has enjoyed seeing me get lighter and
lighter. We have gotten closer because I have had more energy to spend
quality time with him. Physically our relationship is a lot more
comfortable (no big belly in the way, less aching joints, etc.) Having the
surgery has only improved my marriage. On the flip side, I've watched my
parents deal with WLS and it hasn't necessarily been positive. My mother
was heavy all of her life and throughout the first 24 years of marriage to
my father. Ever since she had surgery, she has been on a journey of self
discovery and her self esteem has risen. She's started going out, taking
trips, etc., regardless of whether or not my father wants to accompany her.
She is asserting her freedom and, while it has been good for her, it has
redefined the roles she and my father have played in their marriage. I'm
not sure what the long-term effects will be for them.
— PT LawMom
January 4, 2002
First, I want to say that it was so cool of the husbands to buy some of you
gifts on your WLS anniversary. How very sweet! Ok, now back to me- he
he.... It has improved. I am not afraid to embarrass him, therfore we
spend more social time together. He loved me thick or thin- but I did not.
Now that I do (not that there are some ups & downs of normal
relationships) we can love each other as well. It is hard to explain,
because I did go through a reckless time post-op with my new found freedom
from weight- but he still was there for me. When I realized I just needed
to mellow out (much like the woman who said her Mom was having a different
affect with WLS) I did too- finally, I realized what was important, and
that was my husband. Before you think horrid thoughts of me, I did not
cheat!!!! Never!! But I liked looking and that made me feel awful inside as
much as if I had!
— Karen R.
January 4, 2002
What a great question! This is an issue I've been dealing with, too. My
Dh has always insisted that my being big 'didn't matter' and he 'loved me
anyway' and I think he did love me but still there was a part of him that
was embarassed by my weight (especially when I got my heaviest). I was
around 240 when I met him/size 20-22. Since I'm tall, that was on the
'borderline' of being 'acceptable' by the general society. I really gained
weight after my second pregnancy and a lot of things fell apart then (I'm
sure they were not all directly related to my weight). Our sex life became
almost non-existant and this really bothered me since I'm a highly sensual
person. I have to say that I am responsible to some degree because I just
gave up and stopped trying, too. I became so absorbed in the children and
never could have anticipated that I would. I also found that I was more
exhausted and tired more easily that sex just wasn't a priority for me even
though I longed for it. My husband has always rubbed my back and head
before bedtime and this kind of became our ritual and it became a
comforting substitute to sex. My dh kept saying that my weight wasn't the
issue, he was depressed, etc. (and I'm sure there were other factors
involved). I became angrier and angrier about being sexually repressed and
threatened him that if he even thought about treating me differently or
becoming attracted to me when I lost weight, I'd divorce him because his
love was superficial. Now, those words are coming back to haunt me because
now I've been upset that he hasn't really commented or 'noticed' my weight
loss! What a catch 22! He recently mentioned to me that he was afraid to
seem overly loving or sexually attracted because he didn't want me to be
offended and think his affection was only superficial. He never avoided
going out with me and the kids -- He was always active with us and we
genuinely enjoy each other's company. Now, I think he's a little
intimidated by me when we go out and slightly jealous if other men pay
attention to me. He's getting better about expressing his appreciation,
desires and feelings about me and my body (which really helps!) but I think
he looks at me sometimes and is at a loss (he's NEVER seen me so thin
before except in a high school pic that I sent him years ago). Now, his
fear is that he will be 'unable to hold unto me'. I think that WLS surgery
really can affect a marriage in ways one cannot really predict, especially
if one or both parties have self esteem issues or unresolved resentments.
In our case, both of us had unresolved resentments and self esteem issues!
ROFL We're trying to work through all these issues and get past them. I
think ultimately my weight loss will help our marriage to improve. I've
noticed he is looking at me more and enjoying the new 'curves'. I think
it's only natural for him to. I certainly am enjoying rediscovering parts
of myself that I had hidden so deeply I didn't know they existed! Wish us
luck! :) All the best, (lap ds with gallbladder removal, January 25,
2001, Dr. Gagner/Mt. Sinai/NYC, preop: 307 lbs/bmi 45 now: 194 lbs/bmi
28),
— Teresa N.
January 4, 2002
as i am sitting here reading the answers to this question, my honey walked
past me & said 'hi cutie' & made an obscene gesture with his body
parts. lolol. he has been doing this all of the 35 years we have been
together. he married me almost 30 years ago when my wedding dress was a
size 40. i love this man to death. i was 15 & he 17 when we started
dating. i weighed 175 lbs then & wore a size 16. he thought i was
beautiful back then, & now that i am 2 weeks post op & down 15 lbs
he says he will have to lock me in the house so no one can steal me away.
lol. he was very very afraid of my having surgery. but he supported me
whole heartedly because he understands how unhappy i have always been with
myself. i told him my surgery was a gift to myself. the gift being a
happier person & a healthier body.
— sheryl titone
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