Question:
How do you handle it when your in-laws start treating you differently (badly)
I'm down almost 80 pounds, but still have 80 pounds to go before my goal. I was shocked over the holidays at how my two sister-in-laws treated me. They're a bit chubby, but not obese, you know? Anyway, I walked in and one starts yelling "STOP, STOP RIGHT NOW. You've lost ENOUGH weight, you can't lose anymore... and so on. It went on and on like that (believe me, I'm not even close to thin) and they harrased me all night. I found myself having to defend why I still had more to lose (I weigh 230 pounds for heaven's sake! They called me a liar when I said I weighed that, and said they weren't going to talk to me anymore!) I have never mentioned anything to anyone about losing weight or being on a diet, so it's not like I'm shoving something in their face... I'm just quietly going about my business of getting smaller. My (MO) Mother in law is getting pretty chilly towards me too. What do I do? I don't want to have these relationships ruined since my husband has a huge family and we get together all the time. Can I do anything to change their attitudes? I know they're probably just jealous, since I was always the REALLY FAT sister in law, but how do I resolve this? — [Anonymous] (posted on December 27, 2001)
December 27, 2001
I don't think you should try to change their attitude or argue with them.
Just do what you do. I think you are probably right that they are jealous
and just don't want you to lose all the weight you need to and be a
success. Just don't even factor in what they say or think into what you
do. Don't hold it against them or whatever if they continue being mean to
you, if you are wanting to "keep the peace". If they choose to
not talk to you or whatever, let it be all on them. You are doing
absolutely nothing wrong! Just firmly express your will in a quiet way.
I'm sorry you feel that way, but I do need to lose this weight and I am
going to do it. End of discussion. Hope that makes sense to your
situation and will help you. By the way, do they know you had surgery?
What kind of surgery did you have?
— Jennifer H.
December 27, 2001
Well it sounds like they are jealous. I had a similar question earlier this
week about a jealous friend, and I haven't had the WLS yet. (Hopefully by
summer). Well all I can say is do what makes YOU happy and don't worry
about your in-laws. If they really cared, they will come around and start
to praise you on how healthy good you look. My in-laws think I'm the
stupidest person to even Think about WLS, but who cares. They don't live
with what I half to live with, they are stick thin. Anyway, keep up the
weight loss and again, hopefully they'll come around, and even ask what
your secreat is(if you didn't tell them) and then maybe a better bond would
be established. Goodluck and have a wonderful new year
— Jennifer W.
December 27, 2001
You can't win in situations like this with family. Try just smiling and
saying, "Thanks for being concerned. I am just really happy that I am
getting healthier. My doctor thinks I am doing great." Either they'll
get over it or they won't but at least you can turn the focus to health
rather than size.
— ctyst
December 27, 2001
I can relate with the husband being a big family man .. but after I have
had enough confrontation with his family, I make him deal with it.. That
way he knows what I'm going through with them and it helps me not to feel
as bad if his family is upset, this goes for everything not just the weight
loss issue..
— Elizabeth D.
December 27, 2001
This is probabably a VERY dysfunctional suggestion. However, here goes.
Next time, tell them you agree with them and that you agree that you don't
need to lose any more weight. That will shut them up, and then go about
your business of getting down to a healthy weight. It's called passive
aggression, and I've found it works wonderfully with overly aggressive
people who put you on the defensive! Agree with them with a smile, and do
whatever the hell you want!
— Kathy J.
December 27, 2001
Katherine, I don't believe your suggestion was dysfunctional. It sounds so
sensible.
— faybay
December 27, 2001
My in laws are great- I have the problem dealing with my
own family! I think Katherine's suggestion is a great one-
hope I have the patience to do it myself:) I figure you can
never explain logic to the illogical so why bother? Agreeing
with them sounds like a brilliant idea! Good Luck!
— M B.
December 27, 2001
Family relationships are some of the most complex in the world! Infact I'm
posting this anonymously because there is a huge chance my sister will read
this---as she has become very jelous of my weight loss, and is demanding
that my surgeon perform the surgery on her even though she is only 70some
pounds over weight, has a history of eating disorders, and is in a recovery
program for addiction. Some families members have well defined roles and
when they change, others feel very threatened. Mine was the smart, fat,
sister, and my sister's was the petite, cute, beauty role---she never
realized that someday her beauty would fade, let alone that I just might
not be the fat one, and end up being smart and good looking. My
mother-in-law's role has been to be the all knowing matriarch, and since
she is a former model of the 40s, she is also the expert on beauty,
fashion and dieting----however being in her 80s and obese doesn't alter her
role. She too is feeling very threatened as everyone is remarking how
wonderful I look, and not commenting on how young she is looking. The one
thing I've learned is that you can't control or predict anyone's reaction
to you, or the changes in you. The only thing you can control and alter is
your reaction to it. By this I mean, you will never be able to change your
mother-in-law or sister-in-laws behavior, feelings, or actions. You can
decide and control yours to their behavior, feelings and actions. You can
decide that you will not let them dictate how you will react, or
feel----you can give in to negative feelings, or simply shrug it off as
jelousy and not react. This year Christmas with my family was strained
where my sister was concerned, no one mentioned my weight loss for fear
that she would start a tirade, I just simply ate as I wanted, ignored the
snide comments from her and chose not to be the person to fan the flames of
a huge arguement. Next time you need to deal with these people, simply
ignore the remarks, remember why you had the surgery and how far you've
come, don't respond to them and don't look back either!
— [Anonymous]
December 27, 2001
All of these sound like great suggestions to me! I especially like
Katherine's idea! Those in-laws won't know what the hell to say when you
agree with them! haha! They're just looking for an argument to make
themselves feel better! Screw 'em! Don't allow them to dampen your spirits
and don't defend what you're doing! It's not their business! Good luck and
keep up the great loss!
— Angie M.
December 27, 2001
First of all, you were obviously the person who made each and every one of
them feel smaller. YOU were the big one. Now one of them at least, has to
face the fact that they might be the largest. Not a nice thing to confront
as you well know. They were comfortable with you being bigger. Also,
misery loves company. It's scary when the person you socialized with (and
most likely ate with) doesn't want to do that anymore. My best friend had
the surgery a year before me and although I was happy for her, I felt that
the relationship had lost something. There was no more mutual comiserating
about being fat. I felt threatened and that I had lost my friend. It
wasn't true but I guess I was jealous actually. I had the surgery the next
year and then, sadly, she gained all her weight back because she had the
ring. Now things are just the opposite but we are dealing with it well.
Just do what makes YOU comfortable and I agree with the others...it's not
worth arguing about.
— Barbara H.
Click Here to Return