Emotions of a pre-op/trying to quit smoking

I want this surgery so bad. It's all I think of 24/7. I visit AMOS everyday. I feel so anxious, angry, down in the dumps. Me and my husband haven't had "relations" for 9 months. I want him to "want" me, and I want to live not just exist. I am scared I will die if I don't do the surgery for my health. I want to be the mom my kids need and deserve. I yell at them alot and I am so moody. Do I sound normal? I have also tried to stop smoking and I need advice to help me quit. IT IS SO HARD!! I stopped twice before, only because I was pregnant with my two kids. I just want to a "normal" sized person that gets treated the way other "normal" people get treated with repect for once. I am trapped in this body, and I am just dying to get out and living my life.. Do I sound nuts?? (343#, 5' 11")

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