Marriage is great but depressed & guilty.........

I'm feeling so many things and feel so guilty about them. Can't talk with family or friends about it. They all know and love my husband and I'm afraid they would be judgmental towards me. Can't post my feelings on my profile because they all (including my husband) all read my updates. Hope someone here might have experienced the same feelings. I am 2 1/2 years post-op and have lost just under -200 lbs. I am at goal and feel great and most of all look great. At this time in my life I am feeling so mixed up. My husband and I have been married 24 years. In the first 22 years most happy but also alot of ups & downs. I stayed with him because I loved him so much. Then I had my surgery and my marriage became the best it had ever been both physically & mentally. He supported my surgery and has walked with me through my journey day by day. He has showered me in the last 2 1/2 years with so much love & affection it has felt truly wonderful and has been the kind of marriage I have always wanted and I had thrived on it and was never so happy in my entire life. My husband has been by my side caring for me through my knee surgeries and gastric bypass like no other man I know. Sex was great as the weight melted off and I felt like I was the luckiest woman alive. My husband can't work for the past 6 months due to a severe and debilitating back condition for which he will soon have spinal fusion surgery with the implanted hardware. He takes care of the house and kids while I work, cleans, cooks, IRONS, and runs the house traipsing the kids all over. Everyone I know wishes they had my husband! I don't know what it is now but I have felt so depressed the last few months because although I love my husband like no other, I feel like I am falling out of love with him and I feel so guilty. If I said this to family or friends they would think I was so ungrateful. Now he needs me to help him get through his serious surgery. I try to avoid sex because it just doesn't excite me. I fantasize about other men (not anyone real that I know or have met) but just in general and wonder what it would be like in an exciting relationship with my new body. My husband has been my only lover since we met in our teens. I feel terrible about these feelings and don't want to have them. I want to feel the excitement with him, grow old with him. If I left the marriage I feel like I would be abandoning him now when he needs me both in his upcoming surgeries and financially because I am the breadwinner since he hasn't been able to work because of his disability. Has anyone experienced this. I feel so alone and everyone knows there's something wrong but I can't talk to anyone I know about these feelings so they are just kept bottled up. Thank you for listening. Even if no one has been through this, posting has given me the forum to vent.

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