Updating

Hi all,

I don't come online that often but just wanted to say hello. I am almost tow years out and have lost 178lbs I went beyond my goal. I am staying at a regular weight now which is good I did not want to be too skinny but I guess I am, down to a 6 or 8 depends on the store. I am pretty tall so I guess I look kinda skinny. I have dealt with a little body dis-morphia and a little depression over hanging skin but not so extreme. I am able to bring reality to my forefront so I don't get lost in my own head. I am very healthy and enjoy the new energy level I have.

I am still focused on getting my degree I have one year left then I am done. I have been considering going to law school but I am still not sure because of the cost. I hope my career will finally advance once I finish my BA then maybe cost wont be such an issue.

I attempted a relationship but it ended and I have to say I was not in love with the guy. I was attempting to do something different try a guy I wound normally not date. I have not had many relationships because of my size I know so now it is very strange for me to socialize with men. Everyone now assumes tall, skinny, and pretty guys are falling at my feet lol. The truth is most guys think I am out of there league so no one ends of asking me out. So I lose all the weight and I am still isolate irony. I am still a little shy myself because I know whats going on underneath my clothes.

I have been feeling a little melancholy after the break up. I wonder sometimes was it because of my body sagging skin and deflated breast that lost his physical interest. Even still I was not mentally interested in the guy and wanted to break up after two weeks. I guess it just tapped into my own fears about my body and someone accepting me. I really don't think my sadness has anything to do with the guy. I guess I have more work to do with accepting myself.

So I guess life has not change much  still working on advancing my career, finding  a love life, and motivating myself. I still workout 3 to 4 days a week and hope the that the weights and cardio will tighten some of the skin. I don't have that much sagging skin but it is enough to make me uncomfortable. I am thankful for my health, job, my beautiful little girl, family, and friends. I definitely don't want to go back to over 300lbs so sagging skin and all I am content with being a smaller size. I did not start this journey to achieve a look or specific physical appearance I really started because of my health concerns. I was pre-diabetic and unable to lose weight. I also had other complication with my morbid obesity like knee and back problems. I think me getting into the dating arena and all the compliments has kinda of sent my objectives in the wrong direction which has been all about physical appearance.

I am not saying anything is wrong with wanting to look nice I just don't want to forget why I began this journey and not become so shallow. Anyway I digress life is no picnic. I know women who are smart, great looking with and without weight issues and still can't  remedy the single issue. I never wanted to be a statistic African American single mother or educated single women but I think I am going to stop looking at the statics and accept my journey.

I'm sorry I've been away because posts like yours are the ones I really need to answer.  I can so relate.

First don't even think for a moment that you cannot date because of loose skin.  My surgery was so long ago that I didn't have any forums to read to tell me that I should be ashamed.  I knew I looked ok with my clothes on and when time came to become intimate I explained that I had WLS and had some loose skin and that I was a little uncomfortable.  It turned out that it never even mattered.  We got married because he loved me for my heart and eventually paid for reconstructive surgery.  We present ourselves to the world 99% of the time to the world with our clothes on.  Be wonderful and beautiful!  Even people that look great without their clothes on will only be that way for a certain amount of time.  Some day we will age and we'll all be old and wrinkled anyway.

When you say guys think they are out of their league, make sure and be approachable.  It's hard after being obese for a long time.  We are so used to being invisible.  Quit concentrating on what's going on under your clothes because that projects shame and we've had enough shame to last us a life time right?  I promise you when you meet the right guy he won't care about that loose skin!  He won't be parading you around naked!  He'll show you off with your clothes on and you do need to accept your new look and enjoy it.  There is nothing wrong with wanting to look nice.  Give yourself some time.  I didn't have surgery until I was 47.  It took 3 or 4 years to adjust to my new body.  Take your time. The absolutely right guy will come along....there's no rush but get these emotions out of your vocabulary!  BLAME/SHAME/JUDGMENT/GUILT.  Be proud of yourself and live your best life!  I had to wait until I was nearly 50 and I'm loving it now.  Again, give yourself some time, learn to adjust to your new body and look and learn to feel confident because if you feel that shame inside, people absolutely pick up on it.  They may  think that's why you are unapproachable.  I have experienced reverse prejudice now.  It used to be because I was obese, now it's because I'm thin and blonde and they think I've never been fat a single day in my life.  There will always be haters.  Point your attention to the people who care and try to learn to love yourself a little more every day OK?  It takes practice...you'll get better at it.
Hugs, Y

Thanks Yvonne,

I was a little melancholy then but I am good now I think all break ups make you a little introspective. I really don't walk around thinking about my loose skin all day really only in the morning when I am naked and at night when I see the mirror again fully naked. Being in that relationship made me a little more aware of my body but shame, blame, guilt, judgment no not really I am proud of my accomplishment. I do get frustrated when I know my efforts of working out will not remedy the loose skin situation. I just wish when I earned the loose skin and sagging breast I would actually be 60 or older not 30 years too soon lol but that is life and part of the decision I made.

There are women on my job who do not believe even when I show pictures that I was ever fat it's funny. I notice women especially treat me different. It's funny we say to people this or that does not matter it does matter size and looks it matters. The dating world is genetically a psychical market pursuing a mate starts there then goes to the inside qualities.

I know nothing is wrong with psychical beauty I just get a little tired of one dimensional compliments yes thanks I look great now but I am still a determined person, loving person, joyful person, intelligent person and more than just a pretty face or legs or whatever. I was the pretty face fat girl now I still have to be the same no. People tend to focus on the things they get the most compliments on I want to change that focus to the other parts of my life that are just more important to me. I work very hard school, career, mother, and life goals lets have some compliments there. From the people who know me of coarse is where that frustration stems from not at you or any other person who does not know me.

Your messages is very positive and I hope someone who struggles like I or you did at one point can gain something.

Let me suggest something.  There is a phrase I use many times..."we are rarely upset for the reason we think".  I would like to suggest that you are holding some resentment (as all of us did) about the way you were treated in the past and when you are complimented, you are reminded of that.  I worked for years to retrain the way I spoke so that I didn't sound like I was from Louisiana.  There's nothing worse than being thin, blonde, etc. etc. with a southern accent.  It spells BIMBO.  I work very hard to make sure that impression is not held for long because I am not stupid.  But even with that...we cannot focus on what others think about us because they will think what they think.  I'd love for you to read an older post of mine that talks a bit about this.  The whole post isn't about it but it can't hurt anyone to read the whole thing.
http://wlssuccess.com/2009/01/what-others-think-about-us-is- none-of-our-business/  Skip the video link and start with this paragraph and continue.

If having others believing in you and your dream was a requirement for success, most of us would never accomplish anything. We need to base our decisions about what we want to do on our goals and desires, not the goals, desires, opinions and judgments of your parents, friends, spouse, children and co-workers. Quit worrying what other people think about you and follow your heart. Most of the time nobody’s thinking about you at all! They are too busy worrying about their own lives and if they are thinking about you at all, they are wondering what you are thinking about them! Think about it….all the time you are wasting worrying about what other people think about your ideas, your goals, your clothes, your hair, and your home could be better spent on thinking about and doing the things that will achieve your goals.

It is so natural to care about what others think and even ten years later I'm still not so great at dealing with it.  I hope something I said helps you a bit.  Some things will take a bit of time to work themselves out you know?  Be the awesome person you are.  Spend time with those that do know you and be yourself and carry on down your path without letting anyone that doesn't care about you get in your way....because they don't care you know?
Hugs, Y

Thanks Yvonne,

I have never heard of that phrase but I get your point in regards to the situation.

Something I learned from my sister as she was going through therapy is this quote, "IT IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK ABOUT ME".
I try to remember this when I begin to feel judged by my appearance, behavior, personality, etc.  It usually helps me get centered again.  Also, I try to remember that if I am judging someone else on their appearance, etc. I am really only judging myself.