I WILL survive! (how much more stress can there be?)

Hi - I joined here and had every intention of being an active member... until fate stepped in and threw me a curve ball. 
I had my surgery on April 12th, the day of "my" new dawning and I just love, love, LOVE my new "tool" and how it has changed my life for the good. But... there have been some "mountains" on my short journey since the 12th of April. 
My father is sick, was in the hospital and diagnosed with stage 2.b squamous cell carcinoma, on his right plural cavity. He's 85 years old... and he is a very bitter, angry and hostile man (always has been for whatever reason). Some of you may not agree with my decisions, but I have a very hard time dealing with his 2 year old temper tantrum mentality and do not want to placate to his demands to not be in either the hospital or a nursing home. Sooooo.... he checks out of the hospital against doctors advice (I'm now 4 weeks post op at this point and he'd been in for 2 weeks)... and demands to live at home. Since he's unable to care for himself he needs hospice and other help as well hospice looks to my sisters and me to provide that help all the while telling my dad that "it's ok, you can stay at home as long as you want". My 2 sisters cave and give in to his demands... but I'm not. I don't agree that he should be at home - he needs to be in a nursing care home where when he falls there is immediate help, when he forgets to turn off the bathroom faucet someone can see that and prevent an inch of water being on the bathroom and all floor, when he forgets to take his medicine or IF he's taken his medicine someone can monitor that. So that when he pees his bed, someone is there to clean it right away instead of his sleeping in it for a few hours and then not remembering that he needs to shower or refusing to when you mention it to him. Hospice has told us that when he gets "worse"... sometime between now and another years time... that "we" then have to stay with him 24/7. 
My husband and I are part of a 4th generation family owned agriculture business... I don't have the time or the wherewithall to take care of my father, my life is filled with responsibilities here on the farm... and I especially don't have the time when my father could go into a nursing care facility and be taken care of 24/7. I'd love to be able to just visit with him, not live with him 3 days a week (sisters would take the other days). 
My surgeon told me that under no cir****tances am I to try to lift (if or when my dad falls) a 140 pound man... not until at least 6 months out from surgery. And, as I've already said above... I don't want to give this type of care to my father... I want to spend the last of his life enjoying him, not being a slave to his every angry whim and listen to him rant about how awful the world is and how computers, politicians, and others should just be shot!!!! OMG I HATE that mentality!  My sisters are so very, VERY angry with me... they won't talk to me... and to top it off, they both think that giving our father a suppository is all part of a "normal" days work. 
So, stress abounds in my life right now... thankfully my children (ages 34 and 25) agree with my husband, my therapist, my doctor and every other person (besides my sisters) I've shared this with. You may or may not... 
I guess that I just needed a place to get this out... but I also wanted to let you all know that I value your posts, your stories and your insights... I do jump on here to read when I can... and I've learned so much from all of you. And... I will survive because I'm more than excited to finally be losing weight that just wouldn't ever drop off of my body before. 
Thank you all for your stories, sharing your lives with us and all of the inspiration I find here! 

Oh sweetie.... I understand exactly what you're saying.  I perhaps can relate since my dad was very tough on me but nothing like what you're describing.  I don't understand why your sisters would possibly think this was OK unless they are just caving because it's easier.  You are not in any physical shape to be doing this and I think if your sisters are already mad at you....you might as well go ahead and let them take the responsibility of taking care of him since they were the ones that agreed that he live at home.  I can hear your soul screaming at the thought of listening to anymore of the ranting you describe.  Just because you are his daughter you do not have to be abused.  He is sick and should be in a place where he can be taken care of.  Do you suppose you could get power of attorney so that you could make this decision to put him back where he could get care?  Again, if your sisters want him at home then I think they should be the ones to take care of hm.  You can tell your sisters that you love them but you are in no condition to do this.  Get your doctor to write something if you have to.  My heart is bleeding for you because this just isn't fair.  I'm not saying you shouldn't share with your father's care but only under the right cir****tances.  There comes a point when you have to take care of yourself....even when family if giving you a hard time. 

Just let me ask one more thing...are your sisters in any way upset with you for having surgery?  I'm just thinking out loud.

Another thing...just because he's your dad doesn't mean that you have to take that abuse with the ranting.  Do you feel you are strong enough to say to your dad that since he's made the decision to be at home that in order for you to be there that you do not have to listen to that ranting under any cir****tances.  So many of us have suffered some sort of mental abuse from our parents and we don't have to take it anymore.  You don't have to put up with that. 

I hope this wasn't so jumbled that it didn't make sense.  I don't want anyone to think I'm insensitive but I'm just so upset that you are being put in this position.  I know you feel trapped and I would too.  Stand up for yourself sweetie.
hugs, Y

My heart goes out to you.

Having assisted with the care of my Mother who had Alzheimer's I know how difficult caring for an aging ill parent can be.

Now... I'm just a little confused. Is hospice involved NOW in his care?
Remember Hospice only gets involved with short term end of life care.
(in most cases anyway)

As for the nursing home and 24/7 care. I've worked in nursing homes and Mom was in one. Most are short staffed most of the time. Unfortunately, those are the facts. So... at times residents do stay in wet beds or garments longer than they should. However, there are many positive things about nursing homes.

Family can visit without having the burden of all the things you mentioned. While I did routinely give enema's to my NH residents, I'm sure my parents would have strongly objected to me doing so for them... especially my DAD for crying out loud!

Bathing is stressful at home. who is going to make sure there isn't a slip and fall. If you or your sisters are INJURED while trying to assist what happens to all the other duties YOU are required to do?
at a nursinghome there are shower chairs, & shower stretchers, also jettubs with lifts... NO one gets hurt.

lots of things to think about...

but for the first matter of business at this point is YOU...
Taking care of YOURSELF...
so when you are healed... you will have the physical & emotional strenght to do whatever You can do....

please try to focus on YOU- for now.

Thank you for your thoughts... it's wonderful to have a board/site like this to talk things over with people and receive their thoughts and feelings on subjects. I am going to go on taking care of myself, I've started a new journey in my life, and for once... I'm totally optimistic about the outcome... and am looking forward to the weight coming off and the emergence of a "brand new" outter me! :) 

JEllen... yes, he has Hospice now, although he may, and most likely will, live for much longer than 6 months unless he continues to not eat properly or falls and hurts himself much worse than he has thus far. Hospice's answer to that... "it's just a matter of paperwork". Seems like that's not quite "right", but that's between them and Medicare/Medical.