Positive Thoughts and Prayers---Please!

I had my lump removed on Wednesday.   The initial report has stated that it is benign.  We are just waiting on the final report, and praying it reads the same.   I am still sore and tired, but recovering without too much effort.

I had a rough weekend otherwise, which where the prayers and positive thoughts come in. 

My grandfather passed away 5.5 years ago while I was pregnant with my youngest daughter.  My grandmother needed something to occupy her time, and I needed a babysitter so i could go back to work.   When Georgia was born, she started watching her and has ever sense.   My granny has been falling a lot and I haven't gotten worried about her falling while Georgia was.  My mom lives with her, so I knew someone would be there.  In the past two weeks, she has fallen twice.  She has 5 broken ribs and messed up her arm so bad she has to have surgery to repair it.   However, she now has pneumonia and is in the hospital progressively getting worse.    Apparently, a stint she had put in years ago is now causing probelms.   Her body and mind are shutting down.   They are not sure that she will be able to come back home.   I am not sure how to handle all of this, and I am not sure how Georgia will handle it.   She misses her granny and has only been a way for a few days.    

I think I mentioned before some of the issues that my husband and i have been having.   I have been going to a new church and I love it.    We just compeleted a bible study on the Love Dare.  I had to write a commitment letter and marriage vows to him as part of the last two dares.  I did so very prayerfully.  Last night, he told me that i was part of a cult and that the letter was just an attempt to get me to convert him.    No where in it, did I mention the new church or ask him to change.  

I have been crying a lot since yesterday and I am not sure where else to go with all of this information.

My thoughts and prayers are with you..

I typed this long long response and it's gone.  Give me some time to retype it.  I wanted to let you know that I care.  I was mostly asking if you have benefits to see a therapist that your husband is OK with.  I think you need to get to someone as soon as possible.  I will retype it shortly.  Just know that my prayers are with you....you're having a really tough time.
hugs, Y

OK, I'm going to try this again.  When you said you went to a new church I realized that you were saying that your husband didn't go.  It is not fair but I promise you that anything "new" that you do without him will be perceived as a threat against the way you used to be.  He is probably dealing with even more because of Iraq but he is also acting exactly like so many spouses of women that have had WLS.  Because the church is "new" and he is threatened he lashed out and may have not even meant the cult reference but it is something that he sees you enjoying and he does not feel part of it.  I really suggest that you find a therapist that he will agree to....not a pastor because he will fight you on that.  Also a therapist will help mediate between you guys before you are driven further apart.

I don't have kids but I lost my first grandmother when I was 10 and it is an unfortunate life lesson.  I'm sure Georgia knows your grandmother loves her dearly and all you can do is help her understand what is happening.  Unfortunately it's all happening when so much is going on too.

Please let us know when you get the answer to your test... no news is good news.  There's no point in stressing until you know something.  I am sending prayers.

Sweetie, I know you want to gravitate to your new church because it makes you feel good and there's nothing wrong with it but you might have to keep it to yourself until things work out better because he is going to fight against that with all he has.  When you go somewhere and "feel good" without him he will feel left out.  It isn't fair....it's just the way a lot spouses react.  Please consider getting to therapy.  He may have way more going on than you're even aware of and the longer the sore stays open, the worse it will be.  Keep us posted on the tests and see if you can find someone to talk to.
hugs, Y

I am sure you are right about the church.   It seems right now anything I do other than crying and pining away for him is perceived as a threat to him.      I go to Sunday service and for a few weeks, I went to a bible study.   I haven't joined a lot of ministries and added to my time for that reason.    I am involved in a lot of things with other military wives, and that seems to tick him off too.  He was the one who got me involved and now is mad because I am involved. 

We did counseling for a while and went to a Marriage Fix-It seminar, but he doesn't want to hear from any of them that he is partially to blame.  If they agree with me on the least little thing, he attacks them like he attacks me.   Our marriage counselor actually said until he gets things straight on his own, the marriage counseling was a waste of time.   He was very blunt that my husband was a barrier to restoring things, but yet my husband says that the counselor said it was all me.  It was unbelievable.   Until last week, I was going weekly to see the counselor, and will pick back up in a week or two when things calm down.    

The kids and I don't talk to him about church because he starts an argument.     One of the ladies from the church called to check on me when they had the lump removed and he was so mean to her.  I have never been so embarassed by him.   She told me not to worry about it, but I told him he doesn't have to like my new friends but he can't be so disrespectful that he would have never accepted that kind of behavior from me or the kids.  He didn't say anything else.  

We did talk to a military person, not sure what his title his, but he helps families.    Anyway, apparently Aaron unloaded on him and kept saying he didn't love me because of this or that.  He said finally told him, that was hogwash.   He said Aaron just stopped, then he told Aaron, I think you love her so much but you are trying to convince yourself that you don't.     He said Aaron never argued with him after that statement.    He said told Aaron that the changes I made while he was  gone were good and would benefit him if he would quit being so angry about everything.    He said Aaron doesn't want to admit that he is jealous over my weightloss and it was something hard for him to deal and that he doesn't like himself for feeling the way he does.      

Aaron is seeing a counselor at the VA, and it seems to be helping.   His outbursts are less frequent, but just as ugly.   

He had a breakdown yesterday over my grandmother.  They love each other very much.   I told him that we were all going to have to be patient with each other during this time.   I don't know what to do with all the facts about my grandmother.  I dont know how to comfort my kids.  I promised that I would not use the situation to manipluate him (he thinks that is my ammo, it is not, but he thinks it) , but that if I tell him he is needed, I need him to take this serious.   He promised he would.    

I will keep you posted on the lump.   My poor grandmother is lying in the hosptial bed sick and hurting, and is stressing over my lump.  I thought yesterday she was going to call the doctor herself. 

--April