New-Introduction

I posted this under the new members, but it is such a long post, that I am not sure anyone saw it.   I wanted to introduce myself so i could be an active part of this group. 

My name is April and I am new to this group. Molly recommended that join, and I am glad she did.   I have been trying to become a more positive person, and I think this group may be very helpful. 

My husband and I have been married for 6 years.   He just got back from Iraq and is having a hard time adjusting to life as civilian again.   We are currently separated because of some issues.   I am trying to live a peaceful life and allow him time to heal. However, it is affecting our children.  We have three children. The oldest two are 6 and 11, and we got custody of them right after we were married, so this has really affected them.   We also have a biological daughter. I don’t normally distinguish between adopted and biological, but it helps to understand why two of them are having a harder time than the other one.    I actually got upset with the census because I had to tell the difference on my children, and it shouldn’t matter.

I had WLS on September 9, 2009 and have lost 92 pounds in the past six months.   My kids and I exercise almost daily at the YMCA, and they are really embracing my new lifestyle.   My husband thinks I am self-centered and vain, and that no one could tell if I didn’t them I had lost 90 pounds.   He is so insecure and I am not sure why. I had his full support until it got scheduled.  My WLS journey was a quick one, as I went to my seminar and had surgery less than two months later.   I wasn’t sure what the purpose of it being so smooth was until recently.   I found a lump under my arm. They are running tests on it. My doctor said I wouldn’t have found it, if I had not lost the weight.   I am hoping for the best, but prepared for the worst.   Right now, I am at peace with whatever the outcome is.  I look forward to getting to know the people of this group.

April bless your heart.  Thank you for posting it here.  You are right it does get lost in that long thread.  I think I'll edit the original post and ask that everyone post here too.

I am sorry you are going through so much.  Your husband is insecure and it is so normal.  He will withdraw more if this is left unchecked.  He thinks if you lose the weight that you will leave him.  Do you have anyone you guys can talk to?  Sweetie when your husband says you are self centered and vain, it is his insecurity talking.  He is not even saying why he is really upset and I say this all the time.  "We are rarely upset for the reasons we think".   He may even be putting the load of his problems on you regarding Iraq too.  He comes home to a changed wife and he doesn't like it.  I'm sure it has been very hard on him too and I think he needs some TLC and reassurance from his wife.  On top of that you're dealing with this medical situation and thank God you lost the weight and it was found.  Please don't be too concerned yet about that lump.  No news is good news these days and we'll be here for you. 

You do have to take care of yourself and that's great that you are taking the kids to the YMCA.  I just hope that you'll be able to get back on track with your husband sweetie.  It is totally about him being insecure and he's saying things he doesn't even mean.  I am so sorry that you are having to experience that.  See if you can get the two of you to talk to someone and just make sure that if you do that you can tell your therapist that this is typical of WLS couples.  Do you think that's a possibility? 

You are such an awesome person saying that you are at peace.  WOW...you sound like an old soul that has great insight.  I too believe that things happen for a reason.  Please keep us updated on all of it.  Welcome to our family and I thank Molly for sending you.  I'm looking forward to so much more.
hugs, Y

April,

I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through.  When it rains it pours.  You have done an awesome job with WLS, sharing healthy habits with your children, and raising a family.  I am honnored that such a brave, stong, and loving woman has joined this board that is a safe place for so many.   I hope that allswell with the health issue and the scare goes away quickly.  I pray that your husband is able to face his fears and you have the strength to help him. 

Welcome, April, we're so glad you're here. Glad Yvonne chimed in with her greeat advice about the effect of WLS on a marriage... this is of course a huge change in who you are as a person, so your husband is of course going to be uncomfortable that the safety of what he knew before will be different. I can't imagine how much more complicated that is for him, coming back from Iraq. He needs reassurance that you will still be his wife as you change. I'm guessing as he gets less supportive, it's not you he's not supporting, it's his fear that the weight loss will change you in a way that takes you farther from him. I know my wife deals with these issues with me, and she doesn't have the big changes of being a recent veteran to deal with as well. This is a period of great great change for your husband... he doesn't feel normal and now his wife is changing! This can be very frightening. Yvonne is right on that some kind of counseling would be very helpful if you could find a counselor you're comfortable with. Can you see a minister to start with? Often, ministers will see a couple for a while, then maybe refer to a professional counselor they think will be good for you...

Such love for your family comes through in your post. They're lucky to have you... and lucky that you are a person willing to take such a bold step to improve your health. Here's another vote for your continued strength and leadership of your family and their health. Best of luck with your lump... here's hoping it's nothing to worry about.

Glad you're here, April!

Greg

Thank you for all the kind words.

We did go to a marriage counselor for a while.  We went to a marriage seminar for troubled marriages.   Both seemed to help, but then he find something else to get angry with me about.   For now, we are doing individual counseling, and I pray ALOT.    I would love to talk to a pastor with him, but he claims to be a non-believer.    I have to take him at his word on that, although there are many things that tell me he believes but is angry.    He refuses to talk with a pastor.  

I am in a Bible Study right now on the Love Dare, from the movie, Fireproof.   I will finish up my 40 days next week.   I can see great changes since I started.   I had thought it was a lost cause, and wasn't working, then it just got better.   After my surgery, I will start an online bible study called the Respect Dare.  It is similar to the Love Dare, but is for woman to learn how to show respect.    

They are going to remove my lump next Wednesday.   He has agreed to take me to the hospital and stay with me.  I wasn't sure he would, but he stepped up in this area. 

Last night, he had to go somewhere and I asked him to get me some gas for the lawnmower while he was out.   I was going to cut the grass.  He came into the house with the gas, and disappeared into the garage.    I heard the lawnmower going.  He cut the whole front yard.  When he was done, I thanked him.  He told he would get the back cut for me here soon.   It is the first time, he has taken intiative with the house since he got back from Iraq.    I was so proud, and thankful.  

He told me about a statement his dad made, even though he knew it might upset me.   We have an antique gun that belonged my husband's grandfather.  His dad is not comfortable with it being in the house with him gone.   I prefer that it not be in the house, but if they take it out when he doesn't live at home, and bring it back when he does, it feels like a slam on me.   I was hurt but decided not to argue.    Later, after he cut the grass, I told him, how I felt and that I don't think either of them have any malintentions with wanting to remove it.   I just feel like if they take it out of the house, to please keep it gone, even when he comes back home.    He said he understands my feelings and will not make any decisions based on his parents, but based on what we feel is appropriate.  He also said he has never had any doubts about it being in the house with me.    He said, his dad is just worried because guns freak me out (my daddy killed himself in 2008 with a gun), and doesn't want anything to accidentally happen with me or the kids.   I believe that they are being very honest and not trying to be mean, because I feel the same way.   it was a hard conversation, but ended very well.   Disagreements have been really hard becuase they get so heated.  So I asked about this one.  He said I handled this disagreement much better than in the past, and could get used to this.  He still had a little bit of defensiveness, but once he realized that I wasn't going to argue, he backed off.  It was nice to see progress and have him acknowledge it.   

I gave him an Easter card, not based on how I feel at this moment, but how I want to feel.   For the most part it was true, but with hurt, it is sometimes hard to do the loving cards.  

We have a marriage seminar that the army is putting on Saturday.   My family is going to keep the kids and he has agreed to go out to dinner afterwards to try to reconnect.    I have been asking for this for awhile and he has ignored my request.

Thanks for the support so far. 

I am so proud of you.  I was not sure you would post--but you did and I see you received much love and support.  You are dealling with some heavy life issues and you need all the support you can get.  I will will continue to keep you and family in my prayers.
Hugs,
Molly