Husband Angry and Unsupportive!

Hello all, I am new here and have not posted before; mostly I've just been soaking it all in. I am pre-op and have lost enough weight that I am at the point where I could schedule my surgery, if I were ready to.

Last night I brought this up to my husband, who has been unexcited about the whole thing. I asked him, what do you think about me scheduling the procedure? I was not prepared for his reaction! First he angrily said that we would never ever get to enjoy eating out again, that it would be "finished". (We eat out maybe once a week tops, budget permitting!) I told him, from what I've heard, this would not be the case... then he told me that I just haven't tried hard enough in the past. If I just exercised more, I could do it. That my doctor shouldn't be offering me surgery, he should be offering me a membership to a gym, and a personal trainer; I just need somebody who knows how to exercise to get me in shape. He said, you want me to get up at 4 AM every morning and show you what you need to do? Because I know what it takes to do this.

To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement. To say I have not tried hard enough, wow, I am so hurt. I sat and counted up my Weigh****chers member booklets and I think I have gone back to them 10 times. I have swam, and walked, and done yoga. I got up at 5 AM for two years solid and walked on my treadmill. And never do I get past a certain point. I have PCOS and my endocrinologist told me, you will never weigh less than 200 lbs. My bariatric surgeon told me, with RNY you could weigh 150 lbs. 150! That sounds like heaven!

Certainly, I have tried--and I have also given up and sat on my butt and eaten big bowls of ice cream too, and gained back my hard-won 30 lb. (max) loss. I go from really fat to medium fat. This is why I am considering RNY. This is why I finally felt hopeful after years of feeling hopeless. And I would rather have his support than not, but I don't get it! Why is he so mad at me? He's fat too, so when he says he'll show me how it's done I wanted to say, yes please, do show me, because all these years I've been trying he has not once stuck to an exercise program like I have. Not once.

Sorry this is so long. I am so in need of advice. I don't want to wreck my marriage. I don't want to be obese anymore. I don't know what to say to him. I feel like, if I have the RNY without his support and I have any sort of issues afterwards, it will be most unpleasant at my house.

Kristine,
     Your husband is probably scared of the changes that are coming. He has his own insecurities and because he is not processing everything right now it is coming out in anger. He may be afraid when you get thinner you wont like him because he is heavier. He may feel you will want to do more  or different things once your thinner and he will have to leave his comfort zone or be left behind. There are alot of reasons that may be going around in his mind and he is unable to deal with this right now. Have you tried to bring him to your Dr appointments or support group meetings. Sometimes the public have the wrong impression of WLS and this could help. You do need to talk to him about how you feel and why you are choosing this path. Some spouses will be unsupportive until they see how happy and healthy their wls spouse becomes,then they are their biggest fan.
     I had some insecurities when my husband had his surgery a year ago. But he included me in the process from the get go and that helped. I got over my fears, they were really irrational but I had to take the time and process what this change would mean to us but realistically what it would mean to me. He is now my biggest fan since I had my surgery in February.
    Do you have another family member or a friend who can also be there for you and support you while you embark on this journey? Even being on OH can help alot. This is an important decision and only one you can make...not your husband, friend or doctor.What does Kristina want?
  I wish you the best and hope things improve at home. He might surprise you ....give him time.

{{HUGS}}
Tressa

Tressa gave you some great stuff and that's exactly what I would have said too.  If diet and exercise worked so well why hasn't it worked for one of the most successful and wealthy women on earth? Oprah...

Of course you've tried. And you have PCOS??  This surgery is known for helping that.  I tried for 30 years and I finally got to the point where I couldn't try any more.  I also didn't want to live any more.  I know you feel shame and especially after this discussion with your husband but people fear what they don't know.  He is scared....especially of losing you.  I could tell him all day that I starved like a crazy woman for years and yet failed....until now. I had surgery 9 years ago today.  He wouldn't want to hear that right now though because he's afraid.  If you stick around here and I sure hope you do you will hear me say this many times.   "We are rarely upset for the reasons we think"  That's truly what's going on with your husband.  I don't know if you can talk him down with the fact that it can save your life?  Do you think he'd go to a support group?

Of course he could continue to eat out.  It would be your responsibility to eat sensibly but it wouldn't change what he eats.  It doesn't really matter though because it's not what he's really concerned about.  I don't know how best for you to approach him because each person is different but what do you think you could do to help him understand?  Would it work for him if you said that you're trying to be the best you can be for him?  My heart bleeds for you that you would feel one more moment of shame about not being able to lose the weight.  After we spend years of dieting we mess up our metabolism and it's a long explanation but it's not your fault.  Your body will fight like crazy even after surgery to get you back.  Just let us know how we can help you approach this subject with a better outcome OK?

I'm so glad you're here and welcome!
hugs, Y

Thanks, Tressa and Yvonne! You both said some wonderful things. I think he is afraid. Shoot, I'm afraid too. We'll get through this. Thanks so much for your replies.

Welcome Kristine!!!    Is your husband usually this rough? or is this absolutley out of character for him?  If this is completely out of character for him they I would say then for sure he is scared. While my husband did not react so angrily, he was not really for it in the beginning.  He was afraid that it was some weird fad, that could end up hurting me later.  So I started printing up stuff from the internet for him, and I took him to a couple of the education classes.   Maybe there are some support groups he can go to with you so he can learn about the surgery and the after care, because it seems that actually you can compromise. If you do decide to have your surgery there is no reason the two of you can't join a gym together.

I also feel the need to address what your endocrinologist said.  It is ABOLUTE B.S. that you cannot weigh under 200lbs with PCOS.  I have PCOS, Not only do I weigh under 200lbs I weigh under 150lbs. It is absolutly and Completely possible! 

Your husband is scared that eveything in your marriage as he knows it  - will be gone!  Including maybe you!   Unfortunately, changes make people act  really weird.  And not necessary in a good way. 

Just be true to what you need, want and desire for you - and let the chips fall where they may...

Good luck!

Although my family isn't angry - they are very unsupportive. Just days before my surgery they were still trying to talk me out of it "you've already lost 79 pounds, just keep dieting". Did they forget about the 140 pounds I lost 6 years ago and then gained back 170 pounds? Clearly just losing weight isn't the problem for me!

Now that I am down 153 pounds, I am almost the same size as my sister (who sees no reason to consider the surgery - though she admits that she is always starving on weigh****chers and can't get off more than 20 to 30 pounds) we can no longer discuss my weight loss because she isn't making progress. No one even asks how I am doing - but people I don't see that often are shocked to see that I look like a different person. Who knew my face wasn't round - it's an oval!

I guess I'm saying that you will always be unhappy "fat" - if the surgery feels right for you - by all means, forge ahead. I have heard that some marriages fail, but it sounds like those marriages weren't too strong to begin with. Keep your eyes wide open and be proactive about your health AND the health of your marriage.

Good luck to you and have a safe, healthy and successful journey!

I know in our marriage we talked a lot about how we've enjoyed eating out... perhaps our most fun we have together. My wife is heavy, too... and it got to be more than weekly. We would really look forwad to it. So... we talked a lot about that, and though I haven't dared go to a restaurant yet (8 weeks out on Tuesday) I can see where i will be able to go and find something I can eat without much problem. There are layers and layers to this problem. You say your husband is heavy... but professes expertise in exercise... maybe there's some misplaced shame about not being successful that he's projecting on you? Maybe he's angry with himself as much or more than you. Maybe he's thought about surgery for himself and it scares the poo outta him. for some, surgery really feels "drastic, severe, way unnecessary when I feel so healthy." It really takes some self-confrontation to see surgery as a more healthful alternative than living with obesity for a long time. There's a lot of "I know I can lose weight... soon... tomorrow... next month... so why resort to surgery?"

My surgeon clinched it for me with two points: he said the risks from surgery were way lower than the risks of continuing at my current weight... and that nationally on average only 5% of really heavy people are able to lose weight and keep it off in the long term with just diet and exercise. And that 85% or so are able to lose & keep off after weight loss surgery.

I decided I liked those odds very much; it's those same odds that insurance people look at when they design policies for their companies that approve WLS. They do the numbers; they know in the long run they'll be paying a lot less in health care costs for someone if they have WLS and get a lot healthier because of it.

With my wife, it helped when I reassured her that I wasn't going to demand she do the same thing I chose to do... that I respected that surgery is an intensely personal decision and that I wouldn't have wanted her to nag me about doing whatever diet or exercise program she was successful with, so I wasn't going to nag her about joining me. We also addressed her fears that I would "get skinny and find a new better looking wife." This is a real fear people have with anticipated great changes in appearance. This gave me an opening to reassure her that after 20 years of marriage, I loved her more than ever, and couldn't imagine living without her in my life, and that even if we didn't weigh the same amount (as we often have through our marriage) that we would still be the same people on the inside and that those people would continue to need each other.

I wish you the best with your husband. His anger is probably a reaction to a perceived threat to what he considers "normal and good." Whether it's your unrestricted eating together when out, or deeper fears he may not be articulating like mentioned above.

Keep him in the loop! Maybe even take some of his advice on exercise (we men DO like to help, y'know) and mention that exercise is a very big part of life after WLS. You could also mention how much of a harder time women have in losing weight, even when dieting carefully and exercising a lot. Surgery can really help get to your goal, but the work is still of course required.

Well, SOMEONE'S had his coffee this morning, ha ha.

Good luck, we wish you well!!

well said Greg!