Hi guys! Question about Spouses and Counseling

 My name is Miranda and I just joined today. I am currently in my 5th month of my 6 month diet for insurance approval. I have my psych eval at the end of the month and am sooo glad! I'm 2/3 of the way there! I hope to be where most of you guys are in a few months. Anywhoo....... I  have an issue with regards to spouses of wls patients. Is it necessary to have counseling before I start this life altering journey? What do i do if  he says no way? 

Does he know why you are doing the diet?  Miranda, I try to stay out of giving someone advice on such an important thing but when this miracle came my way it was the first time in my life that it was not up for discussion.  Do you have a hint about how he might feel?  Maybe I could write him a letter about what a difference it made in my life.  The other thing you have to deal with is that sometimes men are scared that they will lose their wife.  When you are large, you are safe.  You know what I mean?  Do you have any health issues? Could you use that?  Do you have kids to live for?  I'm sorry it took so long to an answer to you but I want to help OK? 

Give me as many details as you can OK?
Blessings, Y

Hi Yvonne!  Glad to hear from ya! Well, he knows everything because i have been researching and going through the motions for insurance approval. He is very loving and cares alot about my health. He is very supportive and understands my day to day struggles. He has expressed that he thinks that I am going to change and not want him any more. He says all of this because he knows a guy who had the surgery and got big headed and left his wife. I have reassured him and I agreed that I am going to change, but as long as I have him there to help me I will be ok. I just don't know if it's getting through to him, though. He will go with me to a counselor as long as it's for me to talk to a counselor, but as for him getting any issues resolved, not going to happen.  

It's wonderful that you have talked about this.  Please tell your husband that what he is feeling is normal and yes sometimes things happen like with the guy he knows BUT there were other things involved with that guy other than the surgery.  If the family had been educated in advance, perhaps it would have gone differently.  We also have cases where someone will "settle" for someone they wouldn't have normally married because they were obese.  You and your husband sound like you talk things out and like I said...just make sure he's the one that's telling you how well you are doing and to be prepared for the fact that you WILL get attention but it doesn't mean that you're going to run away.  It's so normal for him to be scared but this is about you getting healthy.  Do you think he'd consider the three of us getting together for lunch or something?  I'd love to talk to him about this because I really believe I could ease his mind. 

There's a great letter that a friend of mine wrote for WLS spouses. I'm going to share it with you. I know Paul wouldn't mind me sharing it with you.  I hope it helps.

There are a lot of folks who end up divorced after one of them has surgery.  In most of those cases, they would have been divorced long before that if not for the low self esteem of the person who had the surgery.  As that person's self esteem increases, the inevitable occurs  But there are some cases where the changes in that couple's life starts a sequence of misunderstandings that did not have to happen.  What follows is an open letter to any spouse of a woman who is going to have WLS.

No offense to any women who may be reading this.   If you feel I am generalizing too much, I'm sorry you feel that way.  Stereotypes are not universal, but the DO evolve out of reoccurring patterns.  My wife had her WLS 1.5 years before I did.  This allowed me to experience two things.  The first was to see up close what I could expect to go through based on what she went through.  The second was what it was like to be the spouse of a woman who has had WLS.  There are several things.  Here are a few, written for him, not you.

Let's face it, he is going to go through as many changes as you without all the benefits you are going to get from losing your weight.  Not to be sexist, but he deserves a warning.

An open letter to WLS husband to be

Guy, there are some things you should know about what is going to change about your wife after surgery in addition to her losing weight.  It is not bad if you know what to expect.  It can be a freaking minefield if you don't, so here's a head's up.

Women get a distinctly different thrill out of buying a smaller size clothing than they do wearing a smaller size clothing.  Even though she may have a closet full of stuff in a series of smaller sizes, you are sticking your finger in a light socket to insist she just wear the stuff in the smaller size in the closet because she is not going to be in that size very long anyway.  Best bet is to acknowledge these are different thrills for her and see if you can negotiate a limit to how much is bought at each smaller size.

Suggest she line up everything in her closet by size, biggest to smallest, and once a week, ask her when the last time she tried on the next smaller size was.  After years of living with tight clothes, she may have a tendency to want to keep wearing a size past when it is a fit for the thrill of wearing loose clothing.  Don't know why, but if you suggest she try on the next smaller size and it fits, its almost like you made it fit in the way she will react sometimes.  If she comes home with a sack where she has bought clothing, ask her to put on what she bought and show it to you.  You only have to mute the game for a minute, and the points you get for this are immense.

Now about the whole being noticed thing.  What she is going to experience as the weight goes down is an evolving sequence that goes something like this.

*She will experience guys making eye contact or say hello when passing her in a hall or on a sidewalk.
*She will experience guys holding doors for her.
*She will hear guys tell her she looks good.
*She will have guys start conversations with her.
*She will eventually have guy**** on her.

None of this is anything she has initiated, but it all is part of what chokes the piece of herself within her that thinks negatively of herself, and turns loose the part of her that you probably fell in love with when you married that is more positive, self confident, etc.  The long and the short of it is you need to also pay more attention to her.  Open her car door for her.  Tell her she looks nice.  Hold her hand or put your arm around her in public.  Make sure the increasing attention she gets in general is consistent with increasing attention she gets from you rather than a stark contrast to that not changing between the two of you.

Let's face it, she chose you once.  You are the home team and do have the inside track, but you do have to be in the game.  Besides, how else can you be with a woman who is hotter than who you were with a year ago without the grief and cost of alimony, attorneys, etc?

Oh one other thing, get ready for more bedroom activity.  The body stores hormones in fat.  As she burns fat when losing, all of those hormones are dumped into the bloodstream.  It triggers for different women at different times, but sooner or later, her horniness quotient goes up significantly.  That is not a reason to get paranoid that anything is going on outside your marriage.

Bottom line is she is the same woman you have always known, but then again she is a different woman.  Use the basis you have with the woman you have always known to woo the different one and you will be in for a lot of fun.  Don't, and you will be in for a lot of grief.

EVEN BETTER! I just saw you were from Arlington.  That could work in our favor.

 Thanks for the letter I am cutting and pasting it as we speak. LOL I am adding a few things, but that is exactly what I needed. You are the best! 

Hi Miranda, keep including your hubby with anything you are doing on your journey. Take him to support group with you if he will go. Some men feel threatened because they think you will leave once the weight comes off. My hubby wouldn't go to counseling. I kept him involved with all my wls journey. I also kept reassuring him that he is the most important person in my life. The important thing is to keep the lines of communication open. Good luck. Mona

 Hi Mona! Thanks for your reply. I am keeping him involved and I always reassure him that I am not going anywhere. I just wonder if he believes me. He is a good man and has always been supportive of anything I choose to do that involves bettering my health. He will be going with me to counseling next month. He says he will talk about some issues he has but we will see if he even opens his month.