Wednesday, January 9, 2019

Weight: 135
Macros: Calories - 1,535, Carbs - 115, Fats - 59, Protein - 98, Fiber - 22
Sleep hours: 7
Vegetable/Fruit Servings: 7
Water glasses: 3
Exercise: 14,000 steps
Meditation: Yes

I'm still catching up with others' posts from the last few days. With regard to Devon's "less than" comments, oh, my yes! Those "less than" tapes in our heads are challenging, aren't they? After everything I've accomplished and survived while living 73 years in this body, I still play those well-worn tapes because, apparently, I find it entertaining to imagine I'm not yet skinny, rich, suave, unwrinkled, hard-bodied, accomplished, well read, neat, smart, productive, peaceful ad infinitum enough.

In fact, those tapes remind me of the old marketing catchphrase for beef: Making myself "less than" ... it's what's for dinner. ;)

But as the Zen Habits dude would say, anything that causes me anxiety is something I now get a chance to practice with, i.e., turn toward, contemplate, and learn from.

And now on to eating in NOLA ... As shown above, yesterday's (Tuesday's) macros were within maintenance range, since I prepared all my food and ate alone.

However, it turns out that NOLA weeknights are not necessarily party-free zones. My friends and their cousins all get together on Monday nights to watch football at someone's house or a local sports bar to enjoy red beans and rice with Louisiana Andouille sausage and/or shrimp and/or other seafoods. Needless to say, wine, side dishes, and appetizers also appear at these events. As a result, my Monday macros looked like this:

Cals - 2,116, Carbs - 216, Fats - 64, Protein - 111, Fiber 43 with 7 veggies/fruits

So weeknight gatherings are just more events I now have a chance to practice with, i.e., turn toward, contemplate, and learn from. For example, I can adopt DianeO's and others' "one glass of water before another glass of wine" habit. And going forward I will choose NOT to sit right next to the appetizers plate.

For days now, the weather here has been sunny and warm. I'm loving all the walking I can do - in and through and around Audubon Park, to the beautiful public library on St. Charles (housed in an old mansion donated to the city by a NOLA friend's grandparents), to yoga classes, to farmers' markets and grocery stores and movie theaters. I imagine this version of urban living is a bit like living in Paris might be.

Today's theme: Find comfort practicing with discomfort.

;)

Recent posts have me thinking about inertia, feeling mired, procrastination... My intentions are usually positive and doable but sometimes become very difficult to execute. I spent too much of my life feeling like I was in a vortex, spiraling down, sucking the life out of me. It is so tough to slow that train enough to hop off and locate one headed in the desired direction. How we feel about ourselves just permeates all aspects of daily living. The key is finding the train headed in the right direction, and no matter how slow, progress from I think I can, I think I can, to I knew I could. The train can pause, refuel, try a better route, spend time at a destination along the way, anything but rolling backward and derailing.

Peps comments about codependency inspired a clarifying moment too. Yes, most, if not all, of us are fixers, putting the needs of others first. We soothe, smooth, look ahead to avert crises, build up others and try to please all. If we were to focus even one tenth of the care we give to everyone but ourselves I can't help but think of what we would accomplish on a daily basis. Self care does not mean we are selfish or stop caring for others. It is about setting healthy boundaries enabling us to attain the health and balance we need in order to have meaningful relationships with others.

Hearing all of us think out loud is the key to successfully moving ahead where internal and external systems and rules are constantly changing, making even the strongest of us weary from time to time. Knowing that we are all working together to move forward brings me such gratitude and joy !

Amen, sister!

Sounds like many of us are pondering similar issues right now.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, DianeO.

Your train analogy made me think of a Weather Channel ditty regarding "surviving a mud slide" multiple choice quiz-- In the event you find yourself confronted with a massive ****load of mud rushing at you: 1. Turn toward it and confront - HELL NO- (some things-events are just too much given the tools or our strength or ability to stop or fix the problem. Tons of mud will do what they will do regardless of our desire or attempts to fix that particular problem). 2. Find the nearest large boulder or tree and grab on- NOPE- looking for or grabbing onto substances that are also powerless in the face of the fast rushing disaster waiting to overtake us in the hopes that they will save us if we hang on tight enough just means both objects are going down. 3. Run away as fast as you can. Again, sorry- just a postponement of the inevitable and a waste of energy against such an overpowering event. The correct response was- 4. Get out of its' way! Move to the side as fast as one can and let it pass. Forget the mudslide- Take Care of YOURSELF- some things just can't be fixed (at least, not at that moment- preventative measures can be figured out later, maybe). Not sure what the punchline is in this just that, maybe one element of co-dependent behavior occurs in the mis-taken assumption that it is our job and obligation and purpose to deal with mudslides that have absolutely no intention of changing. They will do what they will do- sometimes we just have to let it be.

Weight 123.6, calories 1450 including wine, my gateway "drug" to carb eating. In this case some leftover rice pilaf. Which I didn't crave when I served it to DH, but had to have last night. Arghhh!

Retirement lifestyle does mean weekend get-togethers on any day of the week. In our case Tuesday-Thursday this week.

The beach/dinner out with DH's cousins was fun yesterday. The weather was perfect and we ate across from the beach on a patio and watched the sunset. DH is getting so he accepts me saying that "you usually get this here and enjoy it", then ordering for him which takes away a lot of the previous restaurant stress. I might be making a little bit of a White lie sometimes but I always pick something I know he would like even if he hasn't truly had it there previously.

We almost didn't make it there though as DH was super dizzy on the way there, so I turned around at the halfway point (we are 30 minutes from the beach), then he said he felt better and to continue on when we were almost home. I can't wait until he is fully off the Namenda. Oh, and when I got parked at the beach I discovered I had a fully flat tire. It was low in the morning, so I put air in it, but the crunching around in the shells in the beach parking lot must have opened up a small hole more and out came the air. I knew I needed new tires but kept putting it off. Too long apparently. Luckily AAA came in less than 10 minutes and the spare tire was gold (never used). So another item on my list, probably for tomorrow.

The granite installers are coming between 9:30-10:30 this morning, so I'm going to try to get in a quick walk and shower ahead of time. I need to try to slip out to an HOA meeting while they do their work and tonight we have a dance here. Hopefully DH is in good spirits.

Have a worldly Wednesday!

Weight: 253.5 - so up .6

I found myself depressed yesterday. I'm not sure exactly why. My best guess is that dealing with Ron's issues took a toll and getting up between 6:00 and 6:30 is causing an adjustment to my rest cycle.

I had a great workout with the trainer yesterday, but was in such a mood I refused to look at myself in the mirror. Funny how a mood can influence how we see ourselves reflected back in the mirror. I simply couldn't face the reality of the mirror yesterday. I do hate it when I feel that way. At least I'm feeling better today - I think. Not 100%, but on the rebound.

I did get a little bit of my household procrastination list taken care of last night. I sorted through three bags of school stuff in the garage. Discarded, sorted and stored. My intention is to do just a little bit each day - no more than 30 minutes or so. Slow and steady will get the jobs done as long as I commit.

Have to decide how to spend my time today after school. Need to work on Liza and Ace. Should go to the gym and I have to sort mail and start bills. The mail and bills can be done later in the evening. I find that during the winter my daylight time has more value because it is much more limited. I also find that I get settled in earlier, too, so I have less drive to be productive - especially after dinner. I wonder if that is me, or if it is a common issue during the darker winter months.

Hmmm.... again lots to ponder. Must be a January thing since so many of us here seem to be in the same frame of mind.

Good for you, Peps, clearing out some of the garage school stuff. My SIL who taught public education preschool deaf ed for 30+ years cannot even use her double garage as a garage for all the equipment, materials and (good Lord) the books! She could stock the entire wing of a children's library and have enough left over to set up a daycare center. Cautionary tale- SIL has been out of education for over 5 years now, but try as she might, cannot seem to let the stuff go. So, again, good for you---

137.0

Ann- from the looks of the weather forecast, you do well to be where you are and enjoying yourself so immensely (that is, unless your idea of a good time is building dinosaur sized snowmen).

I'm so poaching your theme for today- "Find comfort practicing with discomfort". I am so very good at piping up and participating when things are going well- and so very silent when life is not, or I am not (or a combination of the two) doing well- aka- life going badly. My ACOA lesson and takeaway (one of many) response to bad news, poor behavior-less than expected outcomes, lack of progress, failure in the face of whatever was- IS- a tendency to withdraw-be silent-disappear- and wait-hope that the situation will get better--the deficiency is always mine- nomatter if it is or not, and I am only ever allowed to participate when I fix it and then can make a positive contribution again.

So practicing stepping into discomfort as just a part of living- and not as a reflection of my worth as a merely human being- showing the world that part of me is the fact that I am not always capable or ok is denying part of who I am.

A week from today I return to work. Energy and pain wise I am mostly ok, I think. However, the routine (that is fixed by bells, place, attention and performance in the midst of others needs) of the job and the fact that, as yet, I have no earthy idea of what or how my body's current and sometimes unexpected behaviors are going to behave within that routine- well, yes- the whole thought of it makes me DISCOMFORTED.

As always, Ann, you provide true food for thought.

Bonnie, those are some interesting ACOA calculations/behaviors.

I wonder how many of us would qualify as card-carrying ACOA members?

Raising my hand here (my daddy was an alcoholic -- sometimes "practicing," sometimes not)

Card carrying member of the withdrawal and hope it goes away society!