Tuesday October 18

Ugh, I'm sorry for all of that.  What a day! 

Ah, to post or not to post. That is the question today. Why? Read on dear friends.

Oh, joy! I have a working scale. It even lights up so I can weigh myself in the dark. How cool is that on these dark mornings? (My scale is just outside the bathroom in the bedroom because I have a postage stamp of a master bathroom in my 50 year old house. It will be nice that there is less chance to disturb he who still is asleep when I am getting ready for the day.)

Yet, because of my new scale today was a day of reckoning. The number on the scale was not as horrific as I had prepared for. It was still bad, but I didn't collapse in a heap when I read the number. I have gained a whopping 9 pounds. Each and every pound is well deserved and I own them.

Curiously, I don't particularly care that I have gained. I guess more specifically, I should say I am not upset with myself. I don't feel like I deserve to be reprimanded or that I'm a loser or failure or that I can't get and keep my **** together. I know that I have been emotionally preparing to get back on track and, if the truth be known, I was just waiting for the scale to arrive to "force myself" back on track.

There is a lot more to my psycho-emotional food issues than I would like to admit. For now, I'm feeling pretty good about not beating myself up and not being devastated about my behavior. I knew what I was doing and it was no mystery to me that I would gain weight given my eating behavior. What I am particularly fascinated by is that I knew what I was doing and chose not to change the behavior. I just plain didn't want to. That means the value of eating high sugar, high fat, and high calorie foods was greater than my need or want to be a normal or thin weight. This is eye opening and highly valuable information to have. I made a choice and I'm simply living out the logical consequences of my choice.

No brainer for the day! Ta da!

I'm glad you don't need to beat yourself up!  If it helped, I'd probably tell you to, but we both know it doesn't work. Sounds like you're in a kind of 'neutral' state right now, which is completely okay too. A question to probe a bit - what state/cir****tance/emotion do you think would promote food behaviour change for you?  Maybe you know,maybe you don't, but I'm curious. 

Good question! I have been thinking about the answer to the same question myself.

Here is the answer: There are many things that come into play for me where food, weight, eating are concerned. What is most important though is my frame of mind for WL. I have to WANT to eat properly. For the past month I have been using not having a scale as an EXCUSE to overly indulge and reignite my sugar compulsion. I get tired of eating "properly". Truth be told, I pretty much despise most vegetables and find them only palatable with loads of "sauce". I would eat meat and carbs, if I had my druthers. I also love fruit - again not the best low carb options. So, I honestly get tired of the healthy and low carb routine.

There is another component of being in the right frame of mind. Being a man who has never been "moderate" in much I do, I chose to give up alcohol many years ago because I had problems controlling my intake and found myself wanting to drink. Given that there is a history of alcoholism in my family, I decided that given my behavior around alcohol that I must be an alcoholic, too. I decided it was in my best interest to not drink at all. So, I never indulge in alcohol. I also was a confirmed smoker. I would still smoke, if I could because I truly enjoyed smoking. Smoking served a lot of purposes, but that's a story all by itself, no? So, no booze, no smokes. When I cut out the treat foods, I start feeling deprived. During emotional times sometimes I just can't handle the emotions without a crutch. Food is the only crutch I have anymore.  I have a lot of emotional **** tied up in food. I have used food as control, as a weapon, as a pacifier, and as champagne! Sadly, sometimes I find myself thinking food "is the only thing I have left". So, like an alcoholic I have to be ready and willing to go without my drug of choice which is sugar, fat (and flour) combinations.

I'm in the right frame of mind again. Stepping on the scale brought me back to focus. I'm at an unacceptable weight and need to get back to where I'm comfortable in my skin. It is hard for me to find the balance in my food life. I must balance the emotional life with the physical food life along with my hopes and dreams and aspirations for my healthy future, AND keep those dreams REAL and ACHIEVABLE.

So that's what it takes for me. In the past I used to get to desperation and could then lose weight. This is different. It's more aware.

I don't think my struggle is more than others. I think I'm so hell bent and determined to figure this out once and for all that it's taking me a super long time because there is so much garbage to sift through. I'm finding that being the future gay, chubby, short, kid with a bone disease with weight obsessed parents took its toll. But, I'm a fighter - a survivor. I'll come out okay. 

I totally get it.  Replace sugar with nuts and yogurt and I really get it.  I feel deprived.  I think even if we figure it ALL out we will still feel the struggle. 

You are your own science experiment!

I think this observation without  self-recrimination is interesting having experienced it myself recently.  For me, much better in the long run than absolute denial, which was my past go-to. 

Channeling Carbon as I say ONWARD

Of course you should post, even if you gained 20 pounds.  It gets too easy to ignore our gains and losses when we don't tell anyone about it. 

I do really well if my hubs is with me, and if I'm with others who know that I'm trying to maintain my weight.  When I was on the cruise, and hubs wasn't with me, I would eat cookies, bread and chips, because what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him or me.  At least, that's what I told myself. He knew I was eating more than usual, but had no idea it was so bad.  We've talked before about "free food" being harder to stay away from, and that was the problem.  I don't buy anything that I can't eat, but the ship had EVERYTHING I don't eat, and I took advantage.  At night, when we went back to our room, I would think about what I would be able to eat during the next day.  I don't do that at home.  It certainly makes me worry about our next vacation.

We can do this Devon, I know we can.  This has been a wonderful, life changing experience, and neither of us want to go back to where we once were.