.. and a slightly different 2 yr post on the Maint forum.. long.

I know some folks still in the thick of it read here, but I wanted to keep the two trains of thought separate for a reason.. for those new-ops reading here, kudos for looking beyond just the beginning.

Here's my long-winded thoughts for you guys who have been through it, come out the other side and understand some of the head stuff that happens when you aren't so giddy with shrinking away. Some of this is a repeat as I was thinking this out for the last couple weeks..

I have always been an "all or nothing" person.. spent some serious time trying to get past this mindset during the first year post-op. I succeeded somewhat, but started feeling the same pull again late this winter. It was getting to the point that if I ate off plan (or even planned to do so later, party night or whatnot) that I wouldn't make the best decisions for my health.. I was also getting more and more frustrated with the weighing/measuring/tracking and the time involved in micro-planning macros that I felt like I needed to do to maintain. Moreso though- the mental energy I was allowing it to take up was wearing me down..

I was stressing, and somewhere along the line my hormones got whacked out to boot causing a missed cycle, and bad water retention issues till it regulated itself again (outside cause suspected, but unproven.) That was the final straw.

Reality started seeping in and I realized I DID NOT need to track down to the gram, my body wasn't some sort of machine that needed quite that level of precision.. (I have strong obsessive control issues, especially during times of stress.) Nor was it even a realistic endeavor to do- it's not as if nutritional counts are that precise, they are averages only.

On top of that, one day up on the scale would make my obsessive-ness peak, and I would be seeing things with a negative emotional view unconsciously all day. This sucks when you retain water often. Sucks more when a hormonal imbalance leads to a big gain over two weeks time (I needed meds stat to fix the really bad pitting edema, my calves hurt!) This was turning me into an unhappy stress-monkey person, despite losing and maintaining below my initial goal weight for the last year or so.. Talk about needing a new perspective..

I needed to let go of a few things- one was the incessant head-chatter of tracking the food on such an exacting level, and the other was to let go of obsessing on a certain scale weight body-wise. I realized I have some jeans that are great honesty-gauges.. If they get too snug, guess what? This really does work (and feel) better for me.. knowing that my "biggest" jeans still don't even allow me to get much over the top of my range also helps (there will not be any running out and buying bigger jeans, lol!) My "skinny" jeans also only fit perfect when I'm at the lowest place I should be (any lower and I really don't look healthy anymore.) I do plan on weighing in once in a while, but for now- not daily. Maybe weekly, maybe. My jeans fitting the way they should are good enough for me for the moment. I am happy to be in my skinny self/low-side, uber-vanity sized 4 jeans (I am not this size in reality, I know this.. but they fit my butt soo well..)  

Giving up being so hyper-focused led to a few interesting things:   I felt an immediate weight lift off my shoulders, and found some more time in my day (and more free space in my head!) My anxiety levels also dropped quite significantly.

I stopped eating by the clock (as much as my job allows me to) and actually mostly just eat when hungry, and I don't go for those last few bites anymore as often- since my foods were not weighed & tracked, my "macros" aren't messed up by leaving a few nibbles (can you tell I got a bit carried away with the measuring/tracking??) Trying to hit some arbitrary goal every day also would lead to grazing to get it all in at times if my "mealtimes" weren't spot on.. grazing started leading to eating more than I really needed.. unless tightly controlled by tracking (circular thinking issues appearing here..)

I now feel in control enough to have that off plan (lack a better term) food item or meal, without it triggering me into an all-or nothing nibble fest because I feel the drive to eat "perfect" so overwhelmingly the remainder of the time. I can have a high day or a low day without worrying excessively. That behavior re-appearing was another big clue I was doing something wrong to me & my head.

This shift in perspective led to me sliding back into my skinny jeans within just a couple weeks with No Tracking Needed, no weighing, NO STRESSING! What a shocker to me.. I am seriously happy about this. I feel like the training wheels have come off, and I haven't fallen on my face.    This may be a common sense to some, but for me- it was a big experiment in trust.. in myself. I have fabulous restriction (for the regular foods that we all know and love) and since I eat clean about 90% of the time, pretty much do the meat/veg/fat/fruit as my main food groups, and mostly eat a routine diet, I can easily do a quick mental checklist that gets me in the 75-100g protein a day range, and go about my business like a fairly normal person (with a teeny-tiny stomach capacity..) 

I have not hopped on the scale in over a month before today, my second surgery anniversary.. just checked in this morning: 142.6.   My jeans fit perfect. I am happy.  

(we all need to learn what works for us as individuals, and be ok to test and trust our own selves..)

Thanks for posting this. Really good things to think about.

Hey Chris- nice to see you!

Yeah, I was starting to go a bit nutso with things.. now I realize my most rich meals are about 250-300 cals.. no matter how I make them, that just seems the average.. so, it made no freaking sense driving myself to obsession about it. When I get stressed, and life has been a bit stressful recently, I tend to go a bit overboard.. 

I wanted to keep this off the main forum for obvious reasons, but I know folks read here.. just hoping the ones that do realize that I really still did need to be more exacting during the early part.. and hell- who knows, I may start to puff-up at some point again and need to fall back on familiar behaviours to nip it in the bud.. I tell you though, a 7-10lb gain really, really feels like crap, partly water or not- still feels like total ****e and needed to be dealt with.. I just needed to find a better way to deal than fall back on what I think started it rolling in the first place.

I know just what you mean.  I'm definitely know role model and it's so true about people finding what works for them.  I've been fighting complacency and realizing that I need to be more active or the weight will come back.  It's frightening!

I responded to your post on the main board, but this is the one I really needed to read.  I'm about 16 months out and my rose colored glasses from weight loss are wearing off.  I too have "all or nothing" issues (a recurring theme in therapy for me is "finding a third position" instead of just all or none) and am also afraid to trust myself.  I'm glad you've found what works for you - in fact I envy that.  It sounds peaceful. 

Thanks for posting.

Fiona

Thank you. 

It is still a bit scary for me.. the first few weeks not weighing, not tracking had me slightly freaked and questioning whether I was gaining/losing.. failing.. until I started feeling and seeing that it was working.

My need for instant results also can trip me up really bad. I have to keep in in mind every single day that this is a battle of averages.. and patterns. One day/meal will not make a significant change, but over time- for good or bad, it will. We both have the power to stop the all or nothing thoughts, and they are one of the most dangerous things for me.. falling off, and continuing to fall vs realizing I can just stop and go back to normal/health vs swing the other direction and overly restrict.. which sets me up for the next cycle.

I struggle with the constant internal dialog about my different, daily choices of foods. Will that food help me lose? Will this food show a higher number on the scale tomorrow. I want a snack, but after 18 months I'm STILL in the weight loss phase, so do I grab nuts? My nemesis - the protein bar? Nothing? WHAT DAMNIT???

Yes, the crazy runs deep in me.

I've been told by a friend who likes to tell me all about their time with a counselor, that the "all or nothing" feeling is actually a sign of depression. People that suffer from depression tend to run the extremes. Well, I say **** Everyone can get in line behind me.

I got to my doctor's goal of 150 and mentally gave up. I look ******g fabulous. Really. I love my shape. I'm in 10-12's. Medium and Large shirts. I'm a hottie - well, excepting the flapping boobs and sagging skin.

But, one thing nags at me. Goal. I do want it. I feel like after all of this time I really kind of need it. I need to try on 135 - see what it feels and looks like. I need to take 135 out for a few dates...maybe a conjugal or 50 with the hubsters. I need to feel it.

SO, I am back to being mindful of food - even though I really really really really really...want to be moving onto the next phase. But **** me, how different is the next phase going to be? I will still have all the head **** to work through.

So, my words *****slap me in the face - what the **** else am I going to do?

All of this is to say congratulations on working through the hardest thing - what our brains think. I hope to get there some day. I'm definitely not there now.

Sorry for the ramblings. If it makes you feel better, picture me saying all of this to my dog while she whines and runs away. Poor thing.  

Obviously, I still have some things to work though.

Ramble away.. obviously from my long posts, I certainly do.

re: depressive/all or nada stuff- I do think there's something to it, probably more likely to engage in that sort of thinking if you are a depressive personality type- I know I am. If I don'****ch myself I frequently fall into the worst-case-scenario mindset. I have been working on this.. recently tore out and posted an article on the fridge next to hubby & mines health graphs (yes, we both graph **** we want to keep tabs on..)

The article was about distorted thoughts and feedback loops, the negative thought spiral that happens.. and battling it in a few ways- one being cognitive therapy. There is the little bit I underlined that said ".. catch their own thoughts, write down the distortion, name the distortions.. and then find more productive, accurate ways of thinking." I have not done the "write down" part.. but I have been catching the thoughts and recognizing the distortions, and re-wording my thinking.. 

I put it up there to try to get it to sink into my stubborn brain.. sometimes it works, sometimes Todd just needs to walk past it and poke it to remind e when I'm dooming & glooming myself into a bad mood.. 

Yes. My friend said that she was told to take the absolutes that come along with the "all or nothing" way of thinking and break them down. Name the parts and replace each part with a thought that falls somewhere in the middle. She is also supposed to say them out loud if she doesn't write them down.

I already talk to myself so much, I'm worried someone might call the authorities.

I think I do run through a mental dialog that forces me to not go to those extremes and when I do, I tend to shy away from the extreme thoughts pretty fast. I still seem to need to "go there" in my thinking, but I no longer stay there.

It's a journey.

"Will this food show a higher number on the scale tomorrow."

No. And it doesn't matter what the food is. Scales don't work that way!