Hi again,
I went to a waterpark with my goddaughter today, and I was in a swimsuit.  My thighs are probably my biggest self esteem struggle when it comes to body image self-hatred.  I am a thin skinned European women, with larger hips than waist, and cellulite, with sagging skin.  

The first hard thing was coming out of the dressing room in my swimsuit.  I am 31 and I felt at least 20 years older in the way I looked than my age.  My legs flap in the wind, and they are puckered and dimpled plus have veins.  I told a friend later, it was like my tight swimsuit was holding my organs together like a corset, while everything not "bound" by my swimsuit (my legs, arms, etc.) was flapping in the wind, unraveled, and completely loose. My horror was accentuated when my friends 4 year old little girl walked over to me and put her hand on the front of my thigh (a place where there is a pouch of sagged almost bloated skin) and cupping that pocket under my waist, said, "what is that?".  My friend didn't say anything, but I knew she also had never seen me without pants covering me up, and I think she was also a bit shocked.

It hurt.  It was humbling.  I struggled with watching the other people around me with bikinis on (something I have NEVER worn before, because no matter if at times I had a decent waist, I always had thunder thighs). I saw girls sitting cross legged, in a swim suit, and some that clearly looked like they had eating disorders :(.  

I looked for others "like me" and came up feeling like a freak.  It was hard.  I feel like if someone liked me they would be trying to take advantage of me, be patronizing, etc.  I am that SURE of my unnatractiveness, and it hurts.

To me, it isn't all about losing weight anymore.  I have done a lot of that (at this point I am maybe 40 lbs over weight).  It's a little about "what's the point"?  I am hideous in my scars and sagging skin, it's over.

I went and saw a plastic surgeon last year.  Standing before him naked (a brown-haired ken doll looking doctor), he told me about my legs, he told me that he couldn't do much.  I wanted like a 'face lift' on my legs, you know pull up the sagginess, and thus smooth out the cellulite, and he told me that doesn't really exist, cause gravity pulls it down, and would rip open the scars if that did exist.  My legs could be vacuumed a bit of extra fat, but the skin is here to stay.  ouch.

He said he could give me a breast lift, but i didn't want the anchor scar.  The only option away from the anchor scar was to have implants added.  My skin is too thin for implants, they would separate, and need to be replaced in 10 years, not probable, what would i do then, at 41, implants again, and again, and again?  seems crazy.

My arms, I am still considering, and my stomach needs it.  But they aren't the things I feel the absolute worst over, my legs, butt, breasts, arms, then stomach are the order of how I am bugged by the skin.  I gain weight in my legs, not stomach.  Well I used to.

Either way, I realized my skin is too thin for plastic surgery options to really "make me beautiful" (ie: not cottage cheeze lumpy, and flappy, vericose veiny, etc.) again.  I told my friend about the implants that it would be like "why put beautiful gold-plated door handles on a junk-car."  That's how I feel. It would look ridiculous, just a drop in the bucket compared to facing the facts that my skin is loose, and hanging, and men don't look at it much.

I know I suffer with a lot of strong fear and shame in my stomach when I address these things, so that is why I am here.  This may seem like a "pessimistic" vent, but it is a beginning to healing.  

Tough day, but I actually, by the end, had healing in seeing how my 4 year old little companions kept wanting to touch my thighs.  There was something jiggly, and interesting about them compared to the skinny ones around them, and they liked them.  In some ways, that made me feel beautiful.

Welcome! 
I added this as the first blog to my page, but am not sure exactly that I know how to navigate this site yet, so I am copying it here!   I will give you a little introduction regarding what brings me here, and hope to hear from you as well!

I am blogging about a subject that actually is probably still one of the biggest emotional pains in my life, my dilapidated skin due to excessive and quick weight gain and weight loss.  I started this forum because after searching for 7 months I could not find help that fit my grief.  I tried Eating Disorder clinics, but don't have as much problem with food as I do a general loss of self esteem.  I hide my sagging skin (breasts, arms, thighs, butt, stomach, waist) ALL of which are scarred by stretch marks as well.  I haven't been in a love relationship where I have any comfort naked with a partner, and it hurts.  I am not sure how private this is, so that's a concern.  Can people find out my info since I started a group, can anyone read this blog?  Is it attached to my name?  I guess I should have asked before leaping, but I am not technologically the most "involved".  

Back on track with the subject, I am hoping to find some people who also struggle with this issue.  I am 31 years old.  I gained over 100 lbs in 3 months when I was 21 because I was diagnosed with a severe and persistant mental illness that put me on medication which in turn (coupled with overeating) caused this excessive weight gain.  I lost the weigh almost as quickly.  I now feel that my body looks 20 years older than it is, and I have never been in a real intimate relationship, and have so much comparison envy with other women my age that it consumes me with pain. 

I am learning tools in Recovery, Inc. and Emotions Anonymous to help with the struggle, as well as having a therapist that I see once a week.  I am now on disability for my illness, and so my work hours are only at 20 some per week, so THAT is a huge blessing.  But now that the dragon of my illness is tamed, the scars and past regrets of my weight gain are residual and fairly constant pain every time I look in the mirror.  

There are so many groups here I don't even know where this one will be posted or if it will be out there enough to attract others who are in my shoes.  I am also aware that this site is mainly for people who underwent or are considering gastric bypass surgery, which isn't me.  So thank you for letting me be here, it's just that the weight gain and loss that I experienced left similar skin and body issues as the surgery does, but definately no insurance options to have plastic surgery to take care of it, and I have no money for that.  So I fall between the cracks. 

My therapist thought I should try a gastric bypass support group, and a hospital I called led me here, knowing I didn't fit well into any category.  I AM PRETTY SURE I AM NOT ALONE IN THIS PAIN. But so far after at least 6 months of searching, I have found NO support groups specifically dealing directly with the body image issues that hurt women and men after they LOSE weight. 

The emphasis often is on losing the weight, but the skin has left its mark on my self esteem, and with feelings of hopelessness.  If, in fact, I don't get any posts here, and I am barking up the wrong tree, and end up on my own in these posts. I may still use this blog space as a place to motivate others and keep me accountable as I work my own way through the recovery process of grieving a dilapidated body shape post significant weight-loss.  That way even if I don't find others with similar needs, I may have a safe place (it is safe right?  People cant google my name and find this blog can they? It's pretty personal, and as the leader I still put my real name in signing up so I am worried...) to blog and feel accountable and a sense of accomplishment as I work the road to ultimate self acceptance, and eventual hopeful self love. 

Welcome, thank you for being here, with me.