Sagging Scars - Body Image Grief Post-Weight Loss
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Braving the Great "outdoors"posted 5/19/11 2:16 pm
I have thought a bit about starting a blog on another site. But to be honest, I am concerned that I won't feel as safe to talk about my self esteem and terrible scars, and body image, because I feel naked when I am talking about it with other people that haven't "been there".
I guess having been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I remember the years I had when I was quite young (even as young as 7 years old...) wherein I had thoughts and emotions that others "couldn't relate to" - including my own mother. It was always very healing to come to a group for emotional illness where I could "let it all hang out". But talking about my hanging skin, my weight gain - and my fairly young age of 31 which leaves me vulnerable is scary. In other words, I seem to feel those same "blank stares" from others when I talk about how deeply my flappy, cellulite, very thin skinned, and often overeating body affects my self esteem. They were similar to the reaction I got at the water park from the two 4 year olds I was with "what IS that, auntie??". They seemed to say straight out what my adult friend with me, of course, wouldn't say, but was probably thinking. That my legs (especially, although my arms and other parts of my body are scarred as well, and loose), look much older, and "worse" than the average 31 year old. This same friend has anorexia problems, so it most likely was amplified, her body hatred I don't think could even comprehend what it is like to have "my legs". I am not sure she knew they "existed" out there. Perhaps I just sound paranoid and self-involved, but the two four year olds didn't go up to put their hands on the "hanging dimpled fat pouches on anyone elses legs" because they hadn't seen that before. And I was searching for a "kindred spirit" with my same skin and scars, and hanging skin (and maybe even general age so I didn't feel so terrible), and it wasn't to be found easily. All this to say that I assumed I wasn't that extreme, until I was out practically naked (in my swimming suit) with over 2000 other women and children. Then, just like the times I felt very strange when I brought up, in conversation with others, the anxiety I felt constantly among other people, or when I talked confidentially (with any soul who would lend an ear) about the deep dark pit of depression that robbed my attention and vitality as a young woman, I felt odd, almost "contagious", like I should be "repelled" from social contact with those who "didn't understand" because it wasn't translatable, and in that instance it also "brought them "down"". In such a way, I also feel that if I talk about sagging skin, about gaining over 100 lbs in three months, about, excessivly dimpled legs, about stretch marks and saggy skin all over my body (a body that has never born a child) I also hear my echo, because, like it or not PEOPLE WITH THIS BODY SCARRING TO THIS EXTREME, ARE NOT AS PREVALENT AS I HAD WISHED. I am an EXTREME. And as a result oftentimes the silence I feel from others as they nod but don't "get" what I am saying, amplifies my shame for ever gaining "the weight" and "ruining my looks". I know that is extreme phrasing, and I don't mean to be "debbie downer" at all. My point is to purge a bit, and then to get beyond the "confession" period. You know, the period where I come out and wear a swimsuit, the period where I talk about my eating problems, my past, my scars, my body as it is instead of pretend with smoke and mirrors that I can just keep "covered up" so I don't get rejected for the rest of my life. Beyond that place, which like this post, might bring about other posts just as seemingly "bleak". But the truth is, I believe the "truth" will set me free. I don't think my extreme judgements are Truth, but I do know I have been believing them for a very long time, and as a result they have been MY truth and they are painful. So, I hope, that if I start out telling my truth, at least getting it out so it doesn't threaten my life inside me anymore, so it's rid of it's "sting", then and only then I can look at The Truth. All that to say, I want to blog elsewhere that might not be about gastric bypass, cause I don't want to be on a wall that isn't fitting, but this I feel the safest being here, I have extreme weight gain and loss, I have scars, I have a lot of work to do accepting myself. Again, I would like to go elsewhere, maybe blog somewhere, but I feel panic at the thought. It would feel like prostituting my pain out there among a sea of supermodels. I am tired of being a "sacrifice", I want to be among "friends" who understand. I have had SO much touble finding any, I am glad I am here, and thus a little closer among "good company". I feel like I should be "out there", but I also need a home base before I can venture out. hmmmm...unsure of how to proceed sometimes...feel a bit alone at times...still so glad I can describe my vivid body "issues" here without feeling like a grotesque untranslatable alien. that is huge. praying for even more than that...for a community...for a home to heal in. 0 Responses to "Braving the Great "outdoors""Be the first to comment!Sign in to comment! Login Now. << Blog Home |
