Sagging Scars - Body Image Grief Post-Weight Loss
BLOG
Swimsuits And Humilityposted 5/15/11 3:21 pm
Hi again,
I went to a waterpark with my goddaughter today, and I was in a swimsuit. My thighs are probably my biggest self esteem struggle when it comes to body image self-hatred. I am a thin skinned European women, with larger hips than waist, and cellulite, with sagging skin. The first hard thing was coming out of the dressing room in my swimsuit. I am 31 and I felt at least 20 years older in the way I looked than my age. My legs flap in the wind, and they are puckered and dimpled plus have veins. I told a friend later, it was like my tight swimsuit was holding my organs together like a corset, while everything not "bound" by my swimsuit (my legs, arms, etc.) was flapping in the wind, unraveled, and completely loose. My horror was accentuated when my friends 4 year old little girl walked over to me and put her hand on the front of my thigh (a place where there is a pouch of sagged almost bloated skin) and cupping that pocket under my waist, said, "what is that?". My friend didn't say anything, but I knew she also had never seen me without pants covering me up, and I think she was also a bit shocked. It hurt. It was humbling. I struggled with watching the other people around me with bikinis on (something I have NEVER worn before, because no matter if at times I had a decent waist, I always had thunder thighs). I saw girls sitting cross legged, in a swim suit, and some that clearly looked like they had eating disorders :(. I looked for others "like me" and came up feeling like a freak. It was hard. I feel like if someone liked me they would be trying to take advantage of me, be patronizing, etc. I am that SURE of my unnatractiveness, and it hurts. To me, it isn't all about losing weight anymore. I have done a lot of that (at this point I am maybe 40 lbs over weight). It's a little about "what's the point"? I am hideous in my scars and sagging skin, it's over. I went and saw a plastic surgeon last year. Standing before him naked (a brown-haired ken doll looking doctor), he told me about my legs, he told me that he couldn't do much. I wanted like a 'face lift' on my legs, you know pull up the sagginess, and thus smooth out the cellulite, and he told me that doesn't really exist, cause gravity pulls it down, and would rip open the scars if that did exist. My legs could be vacuumed a bit of extra fat, but the skin is here to stay. ouch. He said he could give me a breast lift, but i didn't want the anchor scar. The only option away from the anchor scar was to have implants added. My skin is too thin for implants, they would separate, and need to be replaced in 10 years, not probable, what would i do then, at 41, implants again, and again, and again? seems crazy. My arms, I am still considering, and my stomach needs it. But they aren't the things I feel the absolute worst over, my legs, butt, breasts, arms, then stomach are the order of how I am bugged by the skin. I gain weight in my legs, not stomach. Well I used to. Either way, I realized my skin is too thin for plastic surgery options to really "make me beautiful" (ie: not cottage cheeze lumpy, and flappy, vericose veiny, etc.) again. I told my friend about the implants that it would be like "why put beautiful gold-plated door handles on a junk-car." That's how I feel. It would look ridiculous, just a drop in the bucket compared to facing the facts that my skin is loose, and hanging, and men don't look at it much. I know I suffer with a lot of strong fear and shame in my stomach when I address these things, so that is why I am here. This may seem like a "pessimistic" vent, but it is a beginning to healing. Tough day, but I actually, by the end, had healing in seeing how my 4 year old little companions kept wanting to touch my thighs. There was something jiggly, and interesting about them compared to the skinny ones around them, and they liked them. In some ways, that made me feel beautiful. 0 Responses to "Swimsuits And Humility"Be the first to comment!Sign in to comment! Login Now. << Blog Home |
